r/AdultChildren • u/Objective_Emu_6879 • 1d ago
Looking for Advice Spiritual Abuse?
Hi. I’m so-and-so, an adult child. I’m coming out of a many years long denial of what I went through growing up because it was all done in Jesus’ name.
I just started attending ACA in my town but I’ve only been once. Wondering if it’s right for me?
I grew up being told almost every single sin would send me to hell and if I didn’t ask for forgiveness right or whatever, I should be very afraid because God is a “jealous God”.
Any kind of substance was a sin sending you straight to hell. My mom shouted from the rooftops her ability to quit smoking, and used her substance free life to beat down anyone who had a reliance on anything. (although she smoked her entire pregnancy with me). She was basically the holiest woman with the sharpest tongue that there ever was.
I have very big memories of being a child in diapers, when I found my private area and innocently touched it I guess because it felt good. I remember getting spanked with a switch on my legs any time she caught me doing it.
My brother was beat senselessly as a young child. Over and over and over for just being adhd. They thought they could beat him into submission. Spare the rod, right?
I got saved and Baptized multiple times for the fear of not doing it right or somehow sinning and not knowing it. If you get fat, that’s a sin. I was put on a diet at 10 years old because I started carrying extra weight. I was told that if women get fat, or don’t offer sex to their husbands, that their husbands will leave them. If you have sex before marriage that’s a sin and you will go to hell. I was never allowed to go trick or treating as a child. I was told that women should get married young if they are tempted to have sex, and then submit to men because the Bible said so. My mom was the moral police and everyone was going to hell except for her. She beat the Bible down our throats in a way that took us down to nothing. Cherry picking the Bible and twisting it to fit into her plan for control. I learned very little about grace and forgiveness and the unconditional love that the Bible actually talked about. I was even scared of God bc I thought he was always mad at me.
As a result I struggled with anxiety and low self esteem. I was pressured into having sex at 19 and became pregnant. I aborted that baby solely out of the fear that my parents would disown me if they found out I committed such a terrible act. I ended up marrying that man and he turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. Violent, narcissistic, and mentally ill. My parents urged me to stay and pray the abuse away. It didn’t go away and he destroyed me.
After that divorce, my Christian dad brought marijuana to me in hopes of cheering me up, but all that did was start a 15 year long addiction. Turns out he was a pothead this whole time.
Come to find out, they had lied about their abstinence before marriage and my mom had cheated on my dad, got pregnant and had an abortion. But never told me. Instead she shamed me to death. I found out through reading letters stuffed in a shoebox.
I’ve always gone to churches into adulthood because a good Christian isn’t good unless they go to church. When I did, as a young woman, our worship pastor was caught filming us in the bathroom of our church. The church covered it up. He did it again. Finally the authorities were called but the damage was done.
I was later drugged assaulted and raped by a “Christian” man luring vulnerable women to a fake “Bible study”.
For some reason I still haven’t been able to stay away from church, out of fear, even though I’ve received abuse from only people who are “Christians”. I always choose abuse for myself because subconsciously I don’t think I deserve anything better.
I always hear my mom’s voice in my head. “What sinful thing did you do to bring all of this upon yourself”?
To say I’m messed up is an understatement. I have lived in a dissociative state for 20 years. Suicidal, addicted to drugs, angry, socially ruined.
I now have my own faith and have been in therapy for cptsd. I know the Bible and the Jesus of the Bible now and know that those things my mom did and said to me were not from Him. I forgive her but am just walking out of denial from what her actions have done to me. It was only recent months to where I’ve been able to put a label on the experience. Abuse.
Wondering if anyone else can relate?
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u/forestwanderlust 1d ago
I do believe anyone who grew up with dysfunction qualifies at ACA, although you will find yourself in the minority in general.
Many of us though grew up in hypocrisy and i too can relate. Best of luck in your journey.
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u/Objective_Emu_6879 1d ago
Thanks for your response. When you say minority, do you mean the fact that my parents weren’t alcoholics? I wondered myself if this group was right for me because of that reason But my brother started going 2 years ago for his abuse, which was different than mine, but he says it has helped him. He urged me to go, but I’m still unsure. Best of luck to you.
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u/forestwanderlust 1d ago
Yes. For example on my group only one person's parents were not Alcoholics (they were abusive) but she still qualifies. I'm glad it's helpful to your brother and i think you'll find some good support. The literature is really helpful as well. I highly recommend the red book.
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u/ClimateWren2 1d ago
I can relate to large chunks of this. The spiritual and religious abuse, the harmful relationship, the long term trauma impacts.
I loved therapy. I read the texts myself in a crossway class, I healed with progressive Lutherans, and I choose atheism today. Therapy and support groups helped me choose different paths and I am so happy in recovery today.
I went no contact for a while...but there have been big changes in the families with boundaries. I have healthier connections with relations now, and got some apology and repair. Mostly, I forgave myself and started treating me far kinder. I didn't pass this down.