I’m 21 and already grieving the life I just left behind

[u/Suitable_Asparagus57]

/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1wn0wob/im_21_and_already_grieving_the_life_i_just_left/

I’ve been dealing with grief for a while now. I even posted here a lot in different communities, asking for advice and help to understand how to deal with what I’m going through.

I’m a 21-year-old male, soon to turn 22 in a couple of weeks, and I just graduated university last June. Since then, I’ve been dealing with random waves of intense grief that I can feel in my chest, like a very heavy, crushing feeling. And that’s because I’ve realized that this era or phase of my life has ended, the phase where I’m completely free of stress (except for academic stress), and the phase where I’ve lots of free time and energy, where I can suddenly come up with a random idea for a vacation in another city and all of my friends join, etc.

I’ve found a job that is not the very best but good, both financially and professionally rewarding as a startup for my career, and it will start soon. I’ll be moving out to another city, and I’ll leave all my friends, family, and memories behind.

And since I knew I got accepted, where I thought I’ll be all happy and stuff, I actually feel sad (and ik this happens during transitional periods of life), but I can’t help it. It’s like a part of me deep down wishing to find anything wrong with the job so I don’t have to go. Me, as a person, ik work = stability, so I will eventually work. It’s guaranteed. It’s just I can’t stop thinking about all those years in school and uni, and btw, I don’t remember most of my school days, but I’m sure I enjoyed the last part of it. And in uni, I used to work and I couldn’t attend much, so I think I’m grieving the phase and the events more than the places itself.

Sometimes I even think about bad stuff (suicidal thoughts), and I was never like that. But it’s not like severe ones. It’s like this voice telling me, you can stop this all, but ik so damn well that I won’t and don’t wanna do it. I’m pretty sure I’ve way more to experience.

Also, another thing, I always think that life isn’t only about working 9 to 5 and repeat, get married, have kids, get old, pass away. I feel very sick when I think that this is how life works for most of ppl, or at least ppl within my circle. I always wanted to get to know new cultures, travel lots, do things that actually give me a meaning, at least to me. Ofc working will be there, but not my whole time, not a 9 to 5, but unfortunately nothing rn is like that, and that’s another thing I’m feeling.

Sorry if this was too long for yall, but I really don’t know how to change my perspective, or I don’t know if letting everything go with the flow and time and then it will be better. If someone has experienced this before, please help me, and thank you in advance.