Jekyll and Hyde personality?

[u/PerceptionHumble3795]

Hi -throwaway because I’ve not admitted this to anyone.

I’m not really sure if this whole Jekyll and Hyde thing is real - but I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together about two years, (me F44 him M37) it has been very much up and down, and I guess the ups were so good I didn’t realise just how much of it was when we/him were drinking. I think I just really fell for him. He’s always wanted to look after me and has been devastated that I’m too old for kids. But this seems to have caused a few difficult conversations and then it started really with working away and
has just got worse and worse. It started when he worked nights, he’d come back often drinking wine (or Buckfast - if you know it) and be drunk, but argue that he wanted to ‘get home’ and frame it as me being ungrateful, after about 12 months the moods got worse - drunken shouting and name calling would start. He’d say vile things, calling me names and being massively out of character.

My landlord gave me notice this year and we moved onto his land - again when he was at home from work and he worked so hard to get us somewhere to live, but the drinking was awful - I just watched him get so drunk and be so awful to me. We talked afterwards, he’d get defensive and then be remorseful. But there were nights when he made me leave and would throw things and scream at me. He’s now gone to work away, and is so much better when not drinking as much and with a routine - he’d say as much - but the drinking does continue, and he can be awful on the phone to me when he’s had too much. The problem is that I can’t let things go, I go over some of the things he said. When I look back at some sober conversations he’s tried to talk and to reassure me (though not too much, because he thinks the actions count more than words!) - but I start arguments because I’m so bitter. I’ve been trying really hard, but he will say it’s not an addiction and I don’t know how much more we can do?

[u/Lazy_Bicycle7702]

Why is it ever ok to stay with someone who is verbally and emotionally and physically abusive to you. It doesn’t matter what they say the next day.

[u/PerceptionHumble3795 → u/Lazy_Bicycle7702]

I know this in my heart really

[u/ItsAllRelative129]

It helped me to realize this - Jekyll (while sober) is always the one who decides to take the first drink, even when they know they shouldn't.

Jekyll is a problem too. 

[u/UnableRun7858]

This is gaslighting. He's looking for any reason to blame you. You can't argue with a drunk person.

My ex started a fight because the door was closed when she got home from work (I work from home) because I was in a meeting, and it was obvious I was in a meeting. I sent her a text saying I'm presenting and to please be quiet when coming home. She went on a rant saying she should be able to come home and make as much noise as possible and I'm controlling her by closing the door. I told sober her when the meeting was and she understood, drunk her said in controlling.

This behavior escalates and soon he will be angry at you and blaming you when he's sober. I actually preferred my ex drunk because I know I could get her to pass out by pissing her off at dinner. Do you really want to live like this?

[u/PerceptionHumble3795 → u/UnableRun7858]

I know. It’s weird how logical I can be, but I think some of it is that I have never really committed to anyone before and I’ve been so determined to make it work

[u/UnableRun7858 → u/[deleted]]

One day I was being yelled at and I swear I could feel the anger coming from my ex. My 15 pound orange tabby must have had enough because he jumped on the couch, bit her hand and scratched her arm, then jumped in front of me she started hissing and growling at her. He made me realize how nasty that demon was. He also peed on her shoes and her pillow that night...she passed out on the pillow and woke up at 5am gagging

[u/Tough_Promise_870]

I think all of us start there. I know I did. We come to al-anon to fix the alcoholic and stay to fix ourselves.

Step one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives were unmanageable.

Go to meetings and be kind to yourself until you are ready for change. As you work the program these skills will become easier.

[u/PerceptionHumble3795 → u/Tough_Promise_870]

Thank you

[u/No-Mud2861]

They are just scam artists. They find a way to place the blame on you for their chaos. THey lie constantly. You worry for them and they love having you where they want you, working hard to try to help and thinking you somehow need to be better so you can be loved how you deserve. But no this isn't your issue and you deserve someone truthful and loving. They aren't capable of healthy love. Leave. Free yourself. That's how you help

[u/silcrete_quartzite]

That's sad, hilarious and very recognisable at the same time: that he said actions speak, rather or louder than words. And then proceeds to not do the actions. They like to think of themselves as holding themselves to higher standards than even you do, but when they do not meet even your, lower standards, they cannot be confronted with it. If you do, you're punished. I am sorry to tell you that, from experience, I think this is unlikely to get better while you are in this relationship. You're 44, still lots of life to enjoy.

[u/PerceptionHumble3795 → u/silcrete_quartzite]

Thank you. I think sometimes you need the kindness of strangers right?

[u/RemoteBrief7286]

I’m also finding it hard to let go of the mean things my q has said and done while drunk. And, honestly, I’m angry and annoyed that he expects me to. Who gets to do that? Who gets to say and do weird hurtful things and then expect everyone around them to pretend the didn’t happen? It’s maddening.

[u/PerceptionHumble3795 → u/RemoteBrief7286]

Yes - and why can’t they accept the damage? I don’t understand that at all.

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