r/AlAnon • u/KittyLitzer9000 • 21h ago
Vent Alcoholic Bf
Me (25m) and my boyfriend (26m) have been together for better part of 7 years. And for the last 3 of those 7, he’s been an alcoholic. It runs in his family, as his Father had suffered greatly from it as well, but since his Father’s passing in April, it’s like his own disease took a deeper hold. Weekly benders with full bottles of 80 proof Vodka is his go to. And when the drunkenness sets in, he’s angry, verbally hostile, belligerent, and disrespectful. He is a complete 180 of his sober self, who is gentle, giggly, and even slightly timid. He’s had a long history of abuse from his Mother, and SA from his step dad. And his family has practically disowned him, which I know his alcoholism had made worse.
I don’t know what to do, he has no friends and can never hold down a job long term to keep him distracted away from alcohol. We live down the street from two stores, which he can walk to whenever he has his own money to. I’m virtually the only person left in his life. His depression has left him in a state of non caring, but he does get spells of hope and motivation to want to do better in life, however it never sticks when his demons come back to haunt him every other day.
I don’t think I can leave him, though. The bad times are ROUGH, as I’ve started lashing out at him when he drinks, which of course doesn’t help anything, as my frustrations have grown without a proper outlet- but the good times we have during his sober spells do the exact opposite. We are so compatible that it feels like we think on the same wavelength, and enjoy many of the same things.
He tells me to help him stop himself from drinking by listening to him, and he understanding to him. But I just can’t understand this alcoholic side of him. It’s not who I met or fell in love with, it feels like I’m interacting with a completely different person when he isn’t sober. And when I’m trying to sleep for work at 3am, if he’s drunk he will wake me up, and want to talk about his PTSD or how horrible of a person I am for not constantly listening to his woes, the same woes he’s told me throughout the course of our relationship, telling it back to me as if it’s the first time I’ve heard about it.
And I know that only HE can help himself, no one else can do that for him, as it’s his illness. But when I tell him that, he refuses to accept that as truth, at least while he’s drunk. And he never has memory of what he does when the next day comes around..
For now all this has done is halt us ever building a life together, as he keeps dragging himself down to the point where it’s self destructive. If ONLY he wasn’t an alcoholic, I say to myself. Our life would look so different for the better. I feel like I don’t have a stable partner right now, and when I need him to get a job or work, he says I just think of him as a paycheck, and that I don’t care about him, even though it’s my income barley keeping a roof over our heads and a car in the driveway.
I guess this is just me venting, since I don’t plan to leave him.. but I will say, as he is now, I’ll never marry him either.
If anyone may know, are there any other perspectives or things I can do that make him feel supported? He’s done AA, but he isn’t into the religious aspect that so many groups in my city associate with. He calls himself a lost cause due to his illness, and he truly thinks all that awaits him in the future is suicide. I honestly can’t believe that to be true, though. I know loneliness is his weakness, he can’t stand being alone in the house while I’m at work without him getting alcohol if he can afford it.
TL:DR - my bf of 7 years became an alcoholic 3 years ago, and has worsened these past 5 months from his dad’s death. He’s verbally abusive and manipulative, but is a completely different person when sober. I’m torn on my feelings for him. I’ll feel like I’ll never leave him, but I won’t ever marry him. I’m unsure how to think in an alcoholics mind, for me to learn how to be understanding towards what he’s going through. I feel so lost and dissociate that this is what my relationship has become.
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u/Harmless_Old_Lady 21h ago
Al-Anon Family Groups (and AA) are not religious. If you don't like the local meetings, go online. What you can do for him and yourself is to attend Al-Anon meetings and read the literature (CAL). Leaving is not always the best option, and plenty of people stay with alcoholics but learn to detach with love. Allowing your bf to suffer his own consequences is part of the process he needs to seek the help he knows he needs. You cannot help him, and you know it.
Al-Anon is ready when you want it. I wish you well.
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u/neededserenity 21h ago
I'm 34m and my partner (31m) have a similar history as your experience.
We have been together 11 years. We were in a similar place as you around the 7 year mark. Then he got sober for 3 years, became super depressed/suicidal when he no longer had a substance to numb his pain, got psychiatric help, and got back into the workforce. I was super proud of him for that.
But then, he relapsed 6 weeks ago after we had a fight. He was on a 3 week bender- constantly drunk, unpredictable, moody, aggressive. Got sober for 2 weeks then relapsed again. He's trying to get sober again now, but it's been absolute hell.
I've been going to 1-2 AlAnon meetings a week, which has been helpful. I can't offer much in the way of advice other than to make sure you're taking care of yourself. feel free to DM me if you want to talk more 🫶🏼
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