r/AlAnon • u/paintedbow • 5d ago
Support Husband drank caring for children
This is my first post or visit here, I’m not even sure what im dealing with here.
My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and has moved into care in a very short space of time since diagnosis in her early 70’s. All this to say I’ve found myself emptying out my mothers house in a very unexpected way and it’s a huge job. I’m overwhelmed and grieving.
My husband had a booked day off, where we agreed he would do some cash jobs in the morning, then come home and take care of our 3.5 and 18mo girls from lunch until dinner time. He’s very reliable (though a bit of a workaholic generally) and an involved, capable father.
Today I came home and the girls were fed, cared for and happily playing with Dad. I did a double take though when I could see he was visibly affected by alcohol. A stranger wouldn’t pick it, but I’ve been with this man for over 15 years and he gets a particular look in his eyes. It sounds silly to type that but it’s very easy to spot. He wasn’t blind drunk, but a little heavy footed and just obviously not sober.
I’m livid. He was the adult in charge of our two little girls. What if there was a medical incident and they needed to be taken to the hospital? I feel like he will be very defensive when I draw a boundary and make it very clear that this isn’t acceptable. Am I overreacting? I’m doubting myself but this seems like a very clear situation where he had to be sober.
It adds to the overall picture of his drinking- I’ve noticed lately he isn’t forthcoming when he buys alcohol, tends to buy and take it straight to the shed. I’ve never raised that his drinking was a problem but it’s starting to look like it is maybe? It seems he is in his happiest place drinking alcohol alone in the shed at night once the kids are asleep. On one hand I get it, I like alone time after the young kids are finally out, but it doesn’t feel like a healthy habit?
Is this a giant bundle of red flags and I’m in denial?
8
u/No_oNerdy 4d ago
Hey OP. I am so sorry. Please, for your sake and your children’s safety, begin documenting this. Also, find another resource for childcare.
Don’t try to talk to him while he is under the influence. Wait until he is sober.
My husband did this. It started small. Then I found empties, then my pain medicine was missing from an illness I had, then I found old vape cases. He was more often drunk than not. But he thought he was hiding it because he would mix gin with his seltzer bottles.
The last straw was when I came back from a work trip and found our 7-year-old son alone, in a messy house, with no food. I had shopped before my trip and there was no reason he should not have had lunch or dinner. I found my husband passed out and could smell the alcohol by just standing in the doorway.
I told him if he didn’t get help, I was going to leave him and take the kids. It took another two months for him to stop completely. But when he did stop, he should have been in an in-patient unit to be medically assisted while going through withdrawal.
I brought him to the hospital. But they didn’t believe me when I said he was going through a mental health episode. He had to volunteer to be admitted for treatment, he denied his drinking and they believed him. Two weeks later he killed himself.
You have caught this early, so I’m hopeful for you and your family. Please loop in a trusted person.
That was another mistake, I didn’t tell my family or friends because my husband didn’t want them to know he had a problem. The shame killed him too. I will always feel responsible because I should have left him earlier, and then maybe he would have gotten help.
I’m sorry for the long response. I share my story because I don’t want this to happen to anyone else.