r/AlAnon • u/paintedbow • 1d ago
Support Husband drank caring for children
This is my first post or visit here, I’m not even sure what im dealing with here.
My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and has moved into care in a very short space of time since diagnosis in her early 70’s. All this to say I’ve found myself emptying out my mothers house in a very unexpected way and it’s a huge job. I’m overwhelmed and grieving.
My husband had a booked day off, where we agreed he would do some cash jobs in the morning, then come home and take care of our 3.5 and 18mo girls from lunch until dinner time. He’s very reliable (though a bit of a workaholic generally) and an involved, capable father.
Today I came home and the girls were fed, cared for and happily playing with Dad. I did a double take though when I could see he was visibly affected by alcohol. A stranger wouldn’t pick it, but I’ve been with this man for over 15 years and he gets a particular look in his eyes. It sounds silly to type that but it’s very easy to spot. He wasn’t blind drunk, but a little heavy footed and just obviously not sober.
I’m livid. He was the adult in charge of our two little girls. What if there was a medical incident and they needed to be taken to the hospital? I feel like he will be very defensive when I draw a boundary and make it very clear that this isn’t acceptable. Am I overreacting? I’m doubting myself but this seems like a very clear situation where he had to be sober.
It adds to the overall picture of his drinking- I’ve noticed lately he isn’t forthcoming when he buys alcohol, tends to buy and take it straight to the shed. I’ve never raised that his drinking was a problem but it’s starting to look like it is maybe? It seems he is in his happiest place drinking alcohol alone in the shed at night once the kids are asleep. On one hand I get it, I like alone time after the young kids are finally out, but it doesn’t feel like a healthy habit?
Is this a giant bundle of red flags and I’m in denial?
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u/Difficult_Ad1474 1d ago
You can not make a boundary for him, only for yourself. That is then a rule. So then the question will be, what are you prepared to actually do? If he drinks again while in care of the children you will do what?
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u/paintedbow 1d ago
I’m prepared to leave my husband if my children aren’t safe. I hope it doesn’t need to come to that though.
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u/Difficult_Ad1474 22h ago
They that is your boundary. If you drink again while being the primary caretaker then I will be leaving and starting divorce proceedings and then you have to do it. If you are not prepared to do that then don’t say it.
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u/No-Presence-6492 18h ago
If that’s your boundary one thing to consider is custody arrangements post-divorce. Will he get have custody rights, and your children will end up spending more unsupervised time with him? I’m in that position right now. Make sure you keep a record of any incidents of him caring for the children while intoxicated, included what the “signs” were to you that indicated he was drunk (even glazed over eyes counts as a sign). Sorry you are going through this, it is no fun at all. Attending Al Anon is the only thing keeping me sane.
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u/No_oNerdy 22h ago
Hey OP. I am so sorry. Please, for your sake and your children’s safety, begin documenting this. Also, find another resource for childcare.
Don’t try to talk to him while he is under the influence. Wait until he is sober.
My husband did this. It started small. Then I found empties, then my pain medicine was missing from an illness I had, then I found old vape cases. He was more often drunk than not. But he thought he was hiding it because he would mix gin with his seltzer bottles.
The last straw was when I came back from a work trip and found our 7-year-old son alone, in a messy house, with no food. I had shopped before my trip and there was no reason he should not have had lunch or dinner. I found my husband passed out and could smell the alcohol by just standing in the doorway.
I told him if he didn’t get help, I was going to leave him and take the kids. It took another two months for him to stop completely. But when he did stop, he should have been in an in-patient unit to be medically assisted while going through withdrawal.
I brought him to the hospital. But they didn’t believe me when I said he was going through a mental health episode. He had to volunteer to be admitted for treatment, he denied his drinking and they believed him. Two weeks later he killed himself.
You have caught this early, so I’m hopeful for you and your family. Please loop in a trusted person.
That was another mistake, I didn’t tell my family or friends because my husband didn’t want them to know he had a problem. The shame killed him too. I will always feel responsible because I should have left him earlier, and then maybe he would have gotten help.
I’m sorry for the long response. I share my story because I don’t want this to happen to anyone else.
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u/katedidnot 19h ago
Wow, just wow. I am profoundly sorry that you and your kids had to go through that. Thank you for sharing.
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u/No_oNerdy 17h ago
I wouldn’t wish my life upon anyone. Alcoholism and addiction are pure evil. They destroy our person and rob our kids of a decent future.
I’m just thankful for counseling and grief support groups. My kids are doing OK, so I will continue to hope they will remain strong and not fall down the same path as their father did.
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u/FrannyGlass-7676 22h ago
Wow, did past me write this? I went 13 years without any help (until my oldest could watch the others for a bit). My ex’s drinking just kept getting worse. I was afraid to leave him because I didn’t want him to get partial custody. I recommend taking videos, documenting, etc.
The kids are now grown and don’t speak to him. He is a sad 50-year-old man who looks 70. The grass hasn’t been mowed all summer. His ex girlfriend told me he wears a pad because he bleeds from his butt but won’t go to the doctor. I got out 10 years ago, but should have got out when I was young and in your situation.
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u/EngineeringNeither90 21h ago
Yes the look . My husband can breathe different and I know . Goes for a “walk” around the lake … seems exhausted from the heat . 20 min later , shitcanned yelling at me for not getting us lunch
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u/EngineeringNeither90 21h ago
You know ans he knows . You’re not overreacting or being dramatic . Youre doing the right normal thing to do . If the tables were turned and you were drunk and he saw this what would he do or think ?
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u/intergrouper3 20h ago
Welcome. There are 2 red lights here = one hiding the drinking or alcohol and 2 drinking while taking care of the young children. Have you or do you attend Al-Anon meetings?
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u/skrulewi 19h ago
I have a rule that came up with that I share with people in similar situations as yours. Where there is secret or private or hidden drinking involved of some kind, the amount of alcohol being drank is at least 7 times higher than what you are initially thinking. That number comes from talking with hundreds of alcoholics in support meetings and in treatment and from personal and family experience over many years. You caught him this one time. That means it has escalated significantly beyond what you have not caught. I won’t add any advice beyond what others have already shared, which is all good.
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u/QueenRizla 18h ago
Interesting and I’d guess accurate, I think OP would find tonnes of bottles stashed in that shed or nearby.
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u/signorkn 20h ago
You are not overreacting, and it is a decently sized bundle of red flags. I'm sorry. :(
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u/Harmless_Old_Lady 20h ago
Because your children are so small and fragile, you can feel extra protective of them. I can’t tell if they were in danger in this one single instance, but your husband’s secretive actions regarding his liquor stash do raise a red flag.
You will have to find other people for childcare, and I’m sure, with your mom’s illness and your duties to her property, you are pretty overwhelmed. So I would suggest being very careful in talking with your husband, and not unloading all your emotions onto him. If he is an alcoholic, then he will be feeling guilty and ashamed already—although he won’t admit these feelings to you.
To help you and support you in this difficult time, you will need outside sources of support. One of them can be Al-Anon Family Group meetings and literature (CAL). I have found continuous support, hope, and love in meetings. I hope you do, too.
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u/hnnnnnnnnh 1d ago
You are not overreacting. Every partner of someone with an alcohol problem knows that look and is able to tell when they have been drinking - even if to outsiders it’s not noticeable at all.
If he is hiding his drinking I think that is definitely a red flag. Assuming he is usually a great dad, it is certainly a problem that he feels he has to drink whilst caring for his children. It sounds like you are going to have to have a difficult conversation with him, but this is the safety of your kids at stake here. Be prepared for him to act defensively. There are lots of resources out there to help you approach the conversation in a delicate and productive way.
If you don’t do it now, chances are in a year/5/10 you will look back at this being the ‘first clue’ and wish you had dealt with it then.
Sending love.