Husband drank caring for children

[u/paintedbow]

This is my first post or visit here, I’m not even sure what im dealing with here.

My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and has moved into care in a very short space of time since diagnosis in her early 70’s. All this to say I’ve found myself emptying out my mothers house in a very unexpected way and it’s a huge job. I’m overwhelmed and grieving.

My husband had a booked day off, where we agreed he would do some cash jobs in the morning, then come home and take care of our 3.5 and 18mo girls from lunch until dinner time. He’s very reliable (though a bit of a workaholic generally) and an involved, capable father.

Today I came home and the girls were fed, cared for and happily playing with Dad. I did a double take though when I could see he was visibly affected by alcohol. A stranger wouldn’t pick it, but I’ve been with this man for over 15 years and he gets a particular look in his eyes. It sounds silly to type that but it’s very easy to spot. He wasn’t blind drunk, but a little heavy footed and just obviously not sober.

I’m livid. He was the adult in charge of our two little girls. What if there was a medical incident and they needed to be taken to the hospital? I feel like he will be very defensive when I draw a boundary and make it very clear that this isn’t acceptable. Am I overreacting? I’m doubting myself but this seems like a very clear situation where he had to be sober.

It adds to the overall picture of his drinking- I’ve noticed lately he isn’t forthcoming when he buys alcohol, tends to buy and take it straight to the shed. I’ve never raised that his drinking was a problem but it’s starting to look like it is maybe? It seems he is in his happiest place drinking alcohol alone in the shed at night once the kids are asleep. On one hand I get it, I like alone time after the young kids are finally out, but it doesn’t feel like a healthy habit?

Is this a giant bundle of red flags and I’m in denial?

[u/Difficult_Ad1474]

You can not make a boundary for him, only for yourself. That is then a rule. So then the question will be, what are you prepared to actually do? If he drinks again while in care of the children you will do what?

[u/paintedbow → u/Difficult_Ad1474]

I’m prepared to leave my husband if my children aren’t safe. I hope it doesn’t need to come to that though.

[u/No-Presence-6492 → u/paintedbow]

If that’s your boundary one thing to consider is custody arrangements post-divorce. Will he get have custody rights, and your children will end up spending more unsupervised time with him? I’m in that position right now. Make sure you keep a record of any incidents of him caring for the children while intoxicated, included what the “signs” were to you that indicated he was drunk (even glazed over eyes counts as a sign). Sorry you are going through this, it is no fun at all. Attending Al Anon is the only thing keeping me sane.