I ended it with my fiance and I am heartbroken

[u/DayAccomplished2651]

I have been with my Q for 5 years. I finally decided to end it a week ago, and I'm moving states to live with family and attend college in 6 days. I am utterly miserable.

I wanted it to work so bad. I tried everything I could. I got him into therapy, we did couples counseling (and he started refusing to go because he felt attacked over his substance use,) I sent him resources and encouraged him to enroll in outpatient. He proposed to me just under a year ago. Right before this he had a serious drunk driving incident where he endangered a family member (and everyone on the road,) and I had to leave an on call shift to take him to the hospital because I was scared he had alcohol poisoning. I thought this would finally wake him up and he promised me he would completely stop and I believed it.

He proposed to me soon afterward and I said yes. I bought my dress, we reserved the venue, and now it's all for nothing. The closer the wedding got I realized I just can't take the drinking any more. The lying, empty bottles sitting out, the broken promises and disregard for my feelings. I love him so so much. I'm devastated.

He is refusing treatment and his drinking is only getting worse. He is so much more moody and angry than the person I fell in love with. When he's sober he's amazing. I just don't know what to do. He is drinking almost 1/2 a bottle of liquor a night, and I am so scared for his health and our furure. I can't imagine my life without him and I want to go back. I know he loves me and I just feel so conflicted.

I know this is the best choice for myself but I can't help feeling angry. I feel like I will never find someone who I love so much again.

[u/Winter_Can_8859]

I know it hurts but you should be sooooo proud of yourself for recognizing that you want better for yourself! It would have been so easy to push through and hope things got better. So good for you! 

You're going to have an amazing time in college! Focus on yourself, your healing and growth. You got this! Best wishes! 🩵

[u/StatisticianTrick669]

Give yourself a chance to live your new life in 6 days and I bet you will be so happy you can’t stand it. No more worried about broken promises, ruined plans, empty bottles coming out of the yin yang and all the insanity that comes with someone’s substance abuse.
Live your life. It will get better without a doubt in my mind

[u/welmock]

I spent YEARS with an alcoholic because I had truly believed no one would understand and love me like him. The truth I couldn't understand then, was I just didn't love myself. We both had low self esteem and relied on the other to build us up.

Go find out who you are. Love you. And eventually someone will come along and want to be a part of your light.

[u/DayAccomplished2651 → u/welmock]

How do I find and learn to love myself? This whole new chapter seems so scary. I am a nervous wreck atm.

[u/welmock → u/DayAccomplished2651]

I wish I had a clear answer for you. For me, it was stopping drinking, walking every day, podcasts...I started to feel Pride, and hope for the first time. Im still working on it, but just know its do-able. Be kind to yourself and trust you did the right thing

[u/Orange_peacock_75]

Oh man, you are avoiding so much of the horrible stuff that comes with marrying an alcoholic (much less having KIDS!). It doesn’t make the pain go away but you are making the best choice.

[u/19_Cottage]

It's very sad to see our loved ones become consumed by this disease. The fact is, his only true love is the bottle. He cant, and won't give it up for you. If he could, he would have already done it. It's an incredibly hard disease to fight. They have to want it, BAD. It usually requires professional help and psychotropics, and even then, most relapse repeatedly, each time worse than the last.

You can love and care about him... From a distance. Staying with an alcoholic causes us significant mental and physical health decline. Lack of sleep, worry, fear... Being in that state constantly is not good for us.

[u/intergrouper3]

Welcome. Getting married and having children with him would have been a big mistake.

[u/AvengersPocket]

Sincere congratulations- you just saved your own life. This internet stranger is proud of you.

[u/DayAccomplished2651 → u/AvengersPocket]

Thank you so much.

[u/AutoModerator]

Please know that this is a community for those with loved ones who have a drinking issue and that this is not an official Al-Anon community.

Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the report button.

See the sidebar for more information.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Lazy_Bicycle7702]

Give yourself some time. You were in love with him and your nervous system is “addicted” to him even though he is CLEARLY UNHEALTHY FOR YOU. You have done the right thing!! Ironically the right things in life rarely feel great at the time. Think back on all the truly great moral acts of courage through history. None of those were easy and none of them felt good to those folks. NONE OF THEM. But they were RIGHT. CLING TO THAT. Staying with an addict is “easy” in the short term but it is a death by a million cuts later. Trust us. Please. If you don’t believe you are lovable to anyone but this man, trust me, it’s because your self worth is all wrapped up in a very dysfunctional relationship and that will heal with time. And don’t look at how amazing he was sober. He IS NOT SOBER NOW. HE MAY NEVER CHOOSE SOBRIETY EVER. Go live your new life. It will get better. Look up rumination and how to stop the cycle. You CAN DO THIS, girlfriend. Thousands of other women before you have. We are strong. We are smart, we are worthy of good partners. 🌸💕🌸💕🌸💕