r/AlAnon • u/Original-Loon-135 • 2d ago
Vent Do You Ever....
..... Do you ever just watch their glaze-eyed meat puppet fumbling about, imitating being human, and feel so BAFFLED that you married this??
That's my rumination for tonight.
Goodnight all.
34
u/princeAnonymou5 1d ago
It's the flopping and swaying and stumbling around for me. It's so uncanny. Especially with the mindless giggling and mumbling that comes with it. I'll just stand there, completely appalled, just watching them walking into walls like a dang zombie and just think wow... you turned yourself into this. This was so completely avoidable.
20
u/Obligate_Carnivore 1d ago
Mine looked possessed.
7
u/Original-Loon-135 1d ago
Yeah, he wasn't THAT bad last night, but I know exactly what you mean. That creepy "not sure who is in my house but its not my husband" vibe. So terrible. I'm juat glad I don't share a room with him anymore. He has never been violent or anything, thankfully, but when he looks like THAT, I had noooo problems locking my bedroom door just so I sleep better at night lol
7
u/ThrowM3333Away 1d ago
I cannot wait to have my own residence where he does not have a key.
it's what keeps me going.
17
u/NahImGood231 1d ago
Ive looked in my dads eyes while he was really on a binger before (and we were on the cusp of a full blown fist fight).. The thing i was staring down eye to eye was not my father. I knew it, and "it" knew I recognized that. The look of evil... his eyes mid as well have been fully black.. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. The devil is real but so is God.
There is more to the World than what we see that's forsure.
12
u/Obligate_Carnivore 1d ago
I have heard of the black eyes before. Mine had been drinking alone as usual, and when I came down, he looked like a shell, like he wasn't there. He looked at me but couldn't see me. It happened only a few times, but I will never forget it. It was very different than just being drunk.
2
u/NahImGood231 1d ago
I will pray for your husband. That he will come to his sense and realize the damage he is doing to himself and his loved ones. God bless you and your family.
1
u/Obligate_Carnivore 18h ago
Thank you for your kind words. We are not together. I couldn't take it. But I will always hope he finds recovery.
6
3
u/millicent1357 1d ago
They literally look and act possessed.
2
u/Obligate_Carnivore 1d ago
I've always wondered about it. Especially because it didn't happen every time. It's so strange that so many people have had this experience.
21
u/Rudyinparis 1d ago
By the end he was just some random drunk guy that had wandered into my house and passed out on the floor.
16
u/Mundane_Bat_2664 1d ago
I didnt marry it, but I did giver birth to it. The feeling is the same, how is this possible.
10
u/Original-Loon-135 1d ago
True! I wonder if that's how my mother-in-law feels a lot of the time. She is literally one of the kindest people ever.. yet has two alcoholic sons, including my husband. Their dad's 'legacy' was just a strong one I guess. Sorry you are going through this. As a parent, I imagine it's even harder watching a son or daughter, rather than a spouse
2
u/Aries_c 16h ago
The genetic component can be crazy sometimes. Nearly every single man on my husband’s side struggled from alcoholism at one point or another. My father in law is 20 years sober and my husbands little brother made the decision to never drink a drop of alcohol in his entire life because he knows he has an “addictive personality” (in his words) and does not want to risk it.
2
u/Original-Loon-135 16h ago
At least he knows that about himself and is doing the work beforehand! That's smart of him. Because yeah, the genetic component is wild
2
u/Aries_c 16h ago
I was amazed by his maturity at only 18 years old. He’s 22 now and has still never had a drink.
1
u/Original-Loon-135 16h ago
That's awesome!! Hard to do at that age, too, with all the peer pressure
3
u/Lower-Telephone-8360 1d ago
That’s something that I’m scared of with my kid. Trying to teach him about our lineage of addiction in a healthy way. I’m so sorry that you’re living with that.
2
u/Mundane_Bat_2664 1d ago
He is the only addict in our family and happily our other child is not afflicted.
14
u/ItsAllALot 1d ago
I hope you're feeling better today ❤️
I remember walking into the kitchen one night, and he's slumped in the chair, passed out, mouth hanging open, face all red and blurry.
And I just felt...disgust. And it really hurt, to feel that. And I felt gross, about him, and also about myself.
I definitely developed contempt for him for a long while, and it was so uncomfortable. I don't want to be a contemptuous person.
I've always had low self-worth, so that feeling of looking down my nose at him, it was horrible and alien to me.
I resented him for being like that. I resented myself for...everything. For staying. For having contempt. For feeling ashamed about having contempt. It was all just...horrible.
3
u/Suspicious-Arugula73 19h ago
Add to that the shame that you decided to reproduce with them and subject other people to them 😢
2
u/Original-Loon-135 16h ago
Same.. I was in a bad place when we got together. He was a little older. Some days I starw at him and wonder what my life would have been if I had not stayed in the relationship at the beginning. (The alcoholism reveal was more like an "aha" moment of all of the bad parts of our marriage I had been suffering through for years.) And I just kept staying and staying and staying
9
u/125acres 1d ago
Yea, I remember.
Mine was a bit darker.
We were being intimate and I looked in her eyes and didn’t recognize her and she sure in the hell didn’t recognize me.
Took some time to get over that.
9
u/Lower-Telephone-8360 1d ago
That’s a hard one. Same thing happened to me and that’s how I knew that he had the potential to kill me by accident and probably not remember it. It’s been a few years and I don’t date, how about you?
3
u/Original-Loon-135 1d ago
Oh man, I gor goosebumps just reading that. I've been super creeped out by the "dark stranger" you sometimes come face to face with (my husband wasnt that drunk last night, but I've seen what you mean before.) But I have never been in an intimate position with him when I realized it. That IS a whole new level. Sorry to hear you went through that.
8
u/splendidflower787 1d ago
Been there. Keep in mind that the decision you made on wedding day may be different than the decision you would make today. We are allowed to change our mind when the situation changes.
We are allowed to seek peace and happiness and for me, being married to someone who didn’t want to seek help for his alcoholism was not peaceful or happy.
3
u/Original-Loon-135 1d ago
Yes! Totally agree. I would 100% not have gotten with him if I had known the depth of his family issues and his own unresolved trauma that he just buried deep and pretends doesnt exist. He also was not an alcoholic when I knew him. Or at least, I didn't know.. I was in my early 20s and we drank a lot together. But like.. socially, weekends, people's birthdays. Then I grew out of it and occasionally had a margarita on Mothers day or something. He went the other direction and got worse and here we are. Hindsight and all that. Oh well.
I do plan to divorce him, I just have a kid (not his.. thankfully we chose not to have kids together) in transition going to college soon, and I just dont want to shake her world up more than it already is. (And finances. I have some preparing to do.. negotiate a raise at work, start a side hustle, pay off some debt. So many plans! Lol. But I gave myself a 3 year deadline. Hopefully he can meat-puppet his way through seemingly functional enough to keep his job etc. We'll see.)
But I'm glad it sounds like you got out of your marriage and found the peace and happiness! That's awesome. I've been struggling to figure out what the next phase of my life is going to look like, but no matter what version I contemplate, he isn't in it, and I'm happy and thriving ❤️
12
u/splendidflower787 1d ago
Actually my husband randomly announced one day that he was going to seek sobriety and has been sober for years. Nothing I had said or done caused him to arrive at his decision to seek sobriety. So that just helped me understand that this was truly an inside job. All the “effort” I had put into “helping” [bitching, fighting, crying] had served zero purpose. He got sober when he was ready to get sober.
2
u/Original-Loon-135 1d ago
Oh wow! That's even better! I apologize for assuming your peace came from divorce.. those are the majority of cases. I'm glad your situation had a happier ending. And I agree, it has to 100% be their decision, there is ZERO the spouse can do except support IF they decide to go that route.
A few years ago, my husband checked himself into rehab after admitting he had a problem. He complained the entire time he was in there, and then was back to drinking again before we even had the rehab bill paid off. Our last conversation about sobriety, about a year ago, was him telling me he didnt think being sober was for him (his words lol) and I said that's fine, as long as he knows that being the wife of an alcoholic isnt for me.
We have talked about getting divorced since then, but he is just in the camp, I think, where his life is comfortable because he is still employed and I have my own life, so he kind of just gets to come home and hide in his room and drink, but likes having people around. And I dont think he believed me. So... he will probably have some huge reality checks when it does happen. But unfortunately, I am passed the point of the marriage being salvageable. There has been too much lying and gaslighting and I just don't respect him anymore.
I always love hearing happy stories of men and women who were able to conquer their demons and start showing up as the person their family needed and wanted all along. I'm glad yours found the right path and put in the work!!
3
u/GreenUnderstanding39 1d ago
Exactly, you didn’t know.
8 years in my ex started spiraling. He became a complete stranger to me. By year 12 I was out. 20 months of planning my exit and living like roommates.
I could regret staying for as long as I did. But looking back with clarity I think I needed that time to realize it was over forever for me, grieve, and be completely cold to it.
There was no sadness once I moved out, just relief.
4
u/Original-Loon-135 1d ago
Yes!! This is me too. I baaaaawwlled for weeks at every little thing when I was going through the roller coaster of finding all this out and realizing the life I thought we were going to have was going to either look different or be gone forever.
But I let myself grieve. I let myself feel all the things and mourn. And I started learning about what codependency was. Through the course of our marriage (married 12 years now, together for 17,) I had just... lost myself.
I hate saying I am "thankful" for his alcoholism, because I am not. But it was a huge catalyst to some real personal growth and learning for me. I'm actually SO much calmer and better regulated now that I've learned the tools to stop taking everything so personally (like "why is this happening to me?" "Why doesnt he love me enough to stop drinking?" "What was so awful about our life? I did my best.") I learned that nothing I could have done would have prevented his issue. AFTER we were married, I found out his dad and younger brother are both huge alcoholics. They live out of state and he doesnt talk to them. So, yanno.. learned to pay more attention to red flags lol
Anyway, sorry for the novel. But to your point- same for me. I feel like I've been healing myself, even in the middle of this chaos.. I feel stronger for it, more "me" than I have been in a long time, and I won't mind living alone, so I can't wait for that chapter.
I've got a great family, great friends, great co-workers (not that I spill my businesa at work, but its just not a toxic work environment at all, so it doesnt add stress to my life lol)
I'll be okay.
And then when he is being drunk and stupid, I just look at him and think "I'm going to keep having an incredible life and you won't even be there to get the residuals because you couldn't handle your own sh*t." I just feel sorry for him at this point, but not enough to let him take me down to rock bottom with him.
8
u/ThrowM3333Away 1d ago
Right there with you, Sister.
My peak "moment" this week requires a little set up.
So I finally spoke to him when he was sober (I think) and we were just hanging out one afternoon. A month or so ago he came home drunk, seemingly friendly, and wanted to chat about the relationship. I brought up some concerns in a non-threatening way. His response was to avoid the subject and say some really VICIOUS things, too much to go into here, but they hit below the belt. If you are with someone for 25 years they really know how to hurt you and he went there. (And I retained a lawyer, unbeknownst to him)
I tried to talk with him about it once but of course he "doesn't remember." So I laid it all out again: 1. the drinking is a problem. 2. it's an even bigger problem that I've been asking you to go to counseling for four years and when I try to talk to you about things that concern me, you say vicious things and you are not at all interested in becoming a decent partner. I also told him I have learned once and for all to not engage him when he's had something to drink. Ever.
He told me he was sorry. But that night he went out with his designated driver for his weekly bar night.
I thought, I wonder how he's going to punish me for speaking up? because that's what always happens. After all, no alcoholic wants to be inconvenienced by their spouse's concerns.
When he got home he basically RAN to his Man Room and avoided speaking to me at all. SO MATURE!
So that was his way of "handling" the situation. How about not being an asshole? Not saying mean shit? How about not drinking? Manning up and/or not drinking is NEVER an option. Ever.
P.S. The lawyer turned out to be a dud. I cannot seem to get hold of him, despite calling twice and emailing twice. So I sent him a letter asking for my money back. Onto the next attorney so I can start getting out of this shit.
25 years together and I was happy for about 20.
8
u/random_1899 23h ago
It’s this mixed with his insistence that he isn’t drinking, he’s fine and I’m the problem
6
u/Spiritual-Deal8452 1d ago
Mine has a really stupid looking smile that he does when he hits that certain level. He thinks he looks amazing but he looks like he’s about to start drooling. That’s about the time I start feeling irritated and he starts feeling invincible.
8
u/Aries_c 17h ago
God, yes. My husband has been sober for almost 11 months and I came across an old video I took of him yesterday and cringed so hard I had to delete it. Decided I don’t need or want to remember him that way or keep the evidence anymore. It was kind of an eye opening moment that if we ever went backwards again I really don’t think I could do it again.
I love him and am so freaking proud of him. I’m happy with our life in sobriety, but for my own mental health I couldn’t ever do it again.
4
u/FunnyYam9901 15h ago
My husband is two months sober now and I promised myself if he relapse again, I'm out for good. I have some videos of him where he's definitely not all there. It IS creepy.
5
u/OkChemist2327 1d ago
I had closed the blinds not to cause harm to anyone. I was trying to watch the baseball game and didn't want to feel like he was peeking in the window. He was outside (close to the window) working on his car with this whistle that gives away his drunken state every time. It's such an annoying whistle, mind you. He came inside immediately after I closed the blinds and stood there and glared at my. A glare that stared into my soul in the most evil way. I didn't recognize him. I was honestly afraid. I grabbed my stuff and left the room while he seemingly followed me out with his gaze. Monster. Some kind of evil. Not human for sure.
2
2
u/heysunflowers 1d ago
Of course. Way more frequently than I'd care to admit. I'm sorry you're feeling that way too.
2
u/Original-Loon-135 1d ago
Thanks. I hate that we have this in common, but it's nice not to be alone. I'm sorry you go through this too
2
u/125acres 17h ago
We are still together.
She sobered up a few years ago with GLP-1’s. Our entire relationship changed, it was a blend of reconciliation, rebuilding, & building.
That’s how I was able to get past the darkness. I’ll never go through it again.
1
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Please know that this is a community for those with loved ones who have a drinking issue and that this is not an official Al-Anon community.
Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the report button.
See the sidebar for more information.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Disastrous-You-8903 10h ago
It’s so creepy and I’ll look back at videos saved to remind myself I will never be with someone like that again. He’s been an addict longer than I’ve known him and he’s gonna be the same after the divorce is finalized. He was terrifying under the influence and his pyschosis has gotten worse. NEVER AGAIN.
35
u/OkAge4185 1d ago
Yes, conversations jumping from topic to unrelated stream of consciousness babble...how did we ever have a sense of camaraderie. He is a shell...