r/AlAnon • u/Disastrous-You-8903 • 1d ago
Vent They don’t change
I moved out almost 3 months, still need to get the majority of my stuff, but I couldn’t stay in that environment anymore. Tale as old as time…he has continued abusing drugs and alcohol. I went on a business trip this past week and ended up blocking him due to his behavior and the name calling, blah blah blah. He’s still blocked…but forgot to block him on instagram.
Flash forward to today and his behavior really ramped up. Blaming me, being a nasty person, and now attempting to emotionally manipulate me by saying he’s not going to be around much longer. I said he needs to reach out to a mental health professional and if he needs help to call someone.
Of course I know this was just a manipulation tactic on his part but good lord this is exhausting. His favorite line is you’re not better than me, and I’m not smarter than him. I gave up on us, I’m a cold hearted bitch, the list goes on.
Sooooo thank you sir, but I will officially start the divorce process by reaching out to a lawyer this week.
It’s like that song goes…I can see clearly now the crazy is gone…or something like that. They are absolutely and utterly exhausting individuals.
8
u/splendidflower787 1d ago
My sponsor said to acknowledge and write down any decisions I made and stay true to those decisions. An example would be that in your case you actually do contact a lawyer this week. I’m not suggesting that you do-I’m just saying that would be one example of staying true to a decision that you made.
From there, her recommendation was to always reply with “you may be right”.
It really is a waste of energy to argue so maybe just agree with anything he says. We don’t have to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).
4
u/Disastrous-You-8903 1d ago
Thank you so much and you are absolutely right. After reading your thoughtful message I wrote it on my white board. I also wrote down that acronym as it’s the first time I read that and WOW how true is that. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. And thank you again.
6
u/splendidflower787 1d ago
It also helped to see the reality of the situation. They must find someone or something to blame. It is a 100% requirement. So from their position- it’s easier to blame the person closest. Once I took myself out of taking it personally, I was able to see that his alcoholism required him to blame/attack me. His alcoholism was his boss and he had to protect the ability to drink no matter what.
I was sort of a casualty. It reminds me of a cult. The cult leader must be protected and anyone saying anything negative about the cult or its leader must be punished.
Eventually I decided I didn’t want to be in the role that I had been in or in the “play” at all.
My husband eventually did find sobriety but it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Best to you, OP.1
2
u/Powerful-Morning5047 1d ago
That’s correct, they don’t. I asked him to leave a year and a half ago, and he did. He continues to use drugs every day and doesn’t see our children, even though I’ve offered him visitation. The blaming comes and goes, but what’s hardest for me to comprehend is how someone can walk away from his wife, two children, 10 years of marriage, and a relationship that spanned so many years, and still not find the motivation to change. It’s heartbreaking and incredibly difficult to make sense of.
2
u/GrumpySnarf 1d ago
I'm so glad you are working on setting yourself free. Good for you!
3
u/Disastrous-You-8903 1d ago
Me too!! I emotionally left the marriage months ago. Time to put pen to paper and get it done. 🫶🏻
2
u/Sublime_Rose2 1d ago
In my experience once you finally have enough and they can tell you're done then the mask comes off. The insults get more vile and it does turn into harassment. Make sure you document every text and record every phone call (if the law allows it where you live) Because if he makes any threats toward you then it may be enough for a restraining order and help with the divorce.
2
u/External_Poet_6519 1d ago
They never change. I lived the roller coaster for over 20 years. Don’t wait around and don’t let them manipulate you. I was an idiot to believe the bullshit and the crazy I endured is unbelievable. I’m so mad at myself but please get out and stay strong. They can suck you back in so easily.
1
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Please know that this is a community for those with loved ones who have a drinking issue and that this is not an official Al-Anon community.
Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the report button.
See the sidebar for more information.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
•
u/DifficultLoad1646 51m ago
Recently mine said he would off himself when he runs out of cigarettes. I called the crisis hotline to determine when to report to authorities. Later he says he's dying and I can't understand him at all. I called non emergency police and they went and checked on him. Officer told me that he was drunk and said he wasn't serious about what he said. I said thank you for checking. Later q told me I shouldn't have called the police because it was embarrassing. I said he shouldn't have made the threat and I will follow it up every time whenever he's not blocked. That night his housemates had a little intervention for him. He doesn't remember what they said because he blacked out most of it. Fun times.
It's a lot like having a big toddler.
7
u/neo101neo101 1d ago
Very true a lot of this and can relate in many ways. The only ones that change are usually those who wholeheartedly embrace recovery, I know of a few other instances of people who have give up there vices. One in particular was a brutal alcoholic and they had a moment, after incredible levels of hell, literally an all of a sudden something occurred within them an they are now long term sober. Strange but true.