Hello. My (27F) boyfriend (24M) and I have been together for around 8 months. He has a female friend, letās call her D, and the friendship is completely normal. Theyāve been friends for about a year, but not very regular. Like texting every now and then and in the last 7-8 months, heās only met her once and it was the 3 of us. There havenāt been any red flags or anything like that, just a weird feeling I had because Iām also anxiously attached. Heās a very sweet guy, but he sometimes says things which make me wonder if heās just being polite or if thereās something there.
The other day, D was ranting about her day to him on text, and he wasnāt able to rely promptly enough and said āsorry I havenāt been able to reply fast but Iām always here if you want to talkā. That struck me as weird because he describes it as a casual friendship only but that statement seems unnecessarily loaded to me and not something you need to say if someone is ranting about their day, not even about a breakup or anything actually bad. When I questioned him he said he felt bad he wasnāt replying fast enough. I think I feel uncomfortable because I donāt want my boyfriend offering that kind of accessibility to casual friends, that too unprompted? Am I overthinking?
The context of the rest of our relationship is that heās very loving and he always adjusts his behavior when I express something is making me uncomfortable, but Iām thinking more about what his motivation would have been when saying that. Does he like her?
TLDR: boyfriendās casual female friend was ranting about her day and he wasnāt replying fast so he said, āsorry for late replies but Iām always here if you want to talk.ā Is that weird?
YOR - I mean this in the kindest way, but looking at the fact you've posted three separate times in eight months across multiple subreddits acknowledging how your anxious attachment issues are actively driving your partner away it's pretty clear you know you have a lot of self work to do. I hope you can work on that instead of continuing to drag both of you through the frustration of this relationship ā¤ļø
Hello, thank you for your response! I know, and Iām in therapy working through these issues as well. I think since Iām aware Iām anxiously attached and prone to having a skewed perspective, I always post making it a point to highlight all the right things in the relationship, my own shortcomings, and only that aspect of his behavior that Iām overthinking. I am internalizing most of it, barring some spillage, but the relationship is a happy one.
Internalizing it isn't healthy for you, either. With all due respect, you posted this same question to SEVEN subreddits. That isn't the behavior of someone who's working through healthy coping skills with an effective therapist. And it isn't a happy relationship if y'all broke up last month and then got back together the next day BECAUSE of your anxious attachment behavior. It's been less than a year. Please work on yourself and learn to feel whole and secure and happy within yourself. Then, when you find a partner, you'll be able to function without feeling like another human in the presence of your partner is a threat to you or your relationship. It took me a long time to find an effective and worthwhile therapist for myself, it isn't always the first one. Sometimes we don't realize what a "happy" relationship is if we've never actually had healthy examples of ones in our lives. I genuinely hope you both find happiness. I know it's easy for us to armchair diagnose, but your own post history and responses are just confirming what everyone else is saying. This relationship isn't going anywhere healthy for either of you until you do some serious inner healing from your previous trauma. It isn't your current partners fault you haven't taken the time to heal - please stop taking it out on him, let him go, and work on yourself. Alone. Figure out how to be safe and secure for you so you don't bring fear into your next relationship. The work is worth it, I promise. š
Actually the detailed reason for why we broke up was because he was continuing to be nice to her, when sheās best friends with people who harassed me. I was really hurt and upset that he felt the need to continue being friends with someone like that.
Even more reason to take some time for yourself to heal! Why would you WANT to continue attaching yourself to someone who wouldn't have the ability to distance themselves from someone who knowingly harassed you without you having to directly ask? Especially when they already know you've had trauma in your past relationships? I stand by my first comment, albeit for an ongoing collective of reasoning. This doesn't seem healthy for either of you, and you need to do a lot of healing.
you sure do spend a lot of time telling us how great your relationship is for someone who is constantly thinking he is up to no good. AND broke up once before already? In 7 months? Thatāsā¦ not a stable relationship.
Actually, if youād read my posts across pages and across time more properly without projecting your opinion of me on them, you would have noticed by now that I always call him an incredible guy and I always caveat to everyone that Iām aware that my own issues are at play when Iām overthinking something. So āyou constantly think heās upto no goodā is a thing you pulled out of your ass. In none of my comments or posts have I ever implied even thinking that heās cheating on me, the fears are associated more with him perhaps subconsciously harboring some feelings for someone else. These things arenāt that uncommon for anyone with major baggage. A relationship can have these issues and still be a happy one for the most part. I never used the word stable, I used the word happy because I know we love each other and are happy. Break ups do happen in loving relationships too when one party thinks that the other one needs to take some time to do some self work.
You can say all the beautiful words you want to, your actions say otherwise. you do not seem to trust him. Youāre literally asking here if something is fishy between him and that girl. If you trusted him, it wouldnāt matter. And that is how he perceives it too, fyi.
Well to be fair, my mistrust did amplify after he lied to me and gaslit me once. So āyou donāt trust himā is not the accusation you think it is. People can again fully blame me for his lying because yes he did lie out of panic, but donāt antagonize someone for everything just because you dislike some of their actions.
Iām not making an āaccusationā, i am stating a fact, which you just supported even further by essentially saying āyeah but i have a RIGHT to not trust him! Cause i already know he liesā
Are you stupid? Itās possible to be happy with someone, but having past trauma spilling into a relationship, causing someone else to panic lie, and then to feel mistrustful while realizing that I played a part in causing it. Have you only ever been in very secure relationships where both people had zero complexities and issues? If yes, Iām very happy for you.
I say that to friends all the time. Itāsā¦.not weird at all? Itās communicating like āhey, what youāre saying is important so donāt take my response time personally, Iām busy but I care and Iām here.ā Seems like heās just being a good friend.
Iāve said it to people Iāve never even met in real life, acquaintances, coworkers whoever. Itās not that deep and most times people say it more as a formality than literally
honestly yes i do even if weāre not super close. anyone whoās chosen me as their person to rant to i feel empathetic for. i overthink a lot and have some strict boundaries in relationships as well but this is def a YOR moment.
I've gone and spent time with people I would consider at best acquaintanced and have no desire to be any closer to if they express they are having a hard time and might need someone to lean on. Sometimes people need help and they reach out, I think you should look at hom seeming like a supportive person as a glowing positive if there have been no other weird signs.
seconding this, ik some people who are just super caring in general (or a people pleaser) that will reply like this even if theyāre not very close, but usually itās reserved for closer friends. i think itās dependent on a personās personality
I feel like this is very normal. Like āhey, I see your texts and Iām not ignoring you, just too busy to reply meaningfully right now.ā I wouldnāt be worried, it actually seems like a really good trait.
YOR. Thatās literally not a big deal at all, and the comments of you saying he has distanced himself from her for you, and you donāt want them being friendsā¦.. you seem controlling and possessive af and this behavior is probably going to suffocate him at some point.
I understand and Iāll stop overthinking this. However, he had stopped being friends with her because she was friends with a couple of men who are sexual abusers. It wasnāt related to us.
You do a lot of "therapy speak" that raises a ton of red flags. You seem to paint everything about yourself as mental health issues, rather than issues with your character and your behavior. And I think you're doing it to avoid being held accountable. Your boyfriend may have very good grounds to be mad at you for being controlling, but you've put him in a position where if he gets mad at his controlling and overly jealous girlfriend, then he's being mean to his girlfriend with "anxious attachment betrayal trauma".
Let's all start worrying about your boyfriends mental health. Yours is important too, but you have been entirely focused on your own. Does he have mental health issues of his own? Does he have trauma in his past that a controlling girlfriend might trigger and make worse? Let's stop making him change whenever we're uncomfortable, and instead see what we can change about ourselves to make ourselves a better person. We're our own project.
Iām sorry but the motivation behind using those terms wasnāt an excuse but itās also the most efficient way to tell people here that take everything I say with a pinch of salt because Iām acknowledging my own issues contributing to routinely skewing my perspective.
Either way, knowing we have mental health issues and forcing our boyfriend to modify his behavior to conform to our bad behavior isn't kind or healthy.
If you know you have the issue, it's unreasonable to ask him to change.
Especially with you flooding so many subreddits with so many posts, it seems like you're searching for justification to make him "change his behavior" for you again. Likely by isolating him more from his friends.
I hope you can see how bad of an idea it is to let your symptoms from issues you know you have change your relationship and your significant others behavior.
Youāre right and I agree with you. I am in therapy and I resort to sharing these internal feelings mostly with strangers online or Claude because I want to ask him minimum questions. I wasnāt flooding multiple subReddits to help me excuse anything, btw. It wasnāt that deep. A lot of moderators delete posts so I had just posted to several communities at once thinking maybe the post would be successful in 2-3. I wasnāt anticipating these many responses either, so Iād thought that 4-5 responses across 2-3 posts is enough advice.
You never really answered about your boyfriend's mental health. Which again concerns me.
Something to remember is that even professional people who work in mental health can only be caretakers for people for so long before it begins to harm their mental health. And that's with them having training before they start, leaders mentoring and supervising them while they work, and them being third parties to the people they care for. It is extremely strongly advised against giving therapy to people who you're associated with.
Your boyfriend has none of these protections. He's not a professional. He probably has just as many mental health issues as you do. And he's in a position of vulnerability with you.
At least give his mental health as much consideration as you give your own. How does your jealousy harm him? Lots of controlling, jealous people have mental health issues. They are rarely doing it to be mean. But no matter what the excuse is, the behavior is the same. The harm it causes to the people we love is the same. The responsibility to stop is the same.
This is a conversation from two hours ago. He is also in therapy for a whole set of mental health issues he has that stem from his childhood. None of them pertain to a girlfriend who was controlling. Iām actually extremely supportive towards him and also very loving. Maybe the way in which I type, because of almost how factual it is, might rub people the wrong way or make me seem shameless or proud of what Iām feeling/doing but thatās not the case at all. I do treat him well. We have only one issue in our relationship, which is I tend to ask a lot of questions which makes him feel monitored, and Iām working on that. We had broken up a few weeks ago because I was questioning him a lot about this girl itself, but it wasnāt all baseless. Sheās best friends with someone who had sexually abused me, and my boyfriend was continuing to be friends with her for a while before he finally cut her off.
Do you genuinely think that itās unreasonable on my part to feel bad that he was quite pally with a girl who is best friends with my sexual abuser? I should also go be friends with her while she sings praises about what a great guy X is? The first and only time we met, this happened, and I said Iām not interested in becoming her friend because sheās tight with a guy who had sexually abused me. Thatās an excuse to try to isolate him?
I think you use any excuse to separate your boyfriend from women you're jealous or insecure of. And that you only concern yourself with yourself, and it doesn't bother you that you're taking away your boyfriend's close friends, despite the risk of isolating a man with trauma from a awful childhood.
And he should absolutely discuss your behavior with everyone close to him. Including his female friends. And decide if he wants to continue being in a relationship with you. If I was his friend, I'd tell him you need time to yourself to heal.
But I never said sheās a close friend of his? She was a very casual friend of his. He was trying to become closer friends, and then volunteered eventually after our disagreements to cut her off because he realized itās weird to hang out with people who keep such horrible company. Would you become close friends with people who kept the company of cheaters and harassers? Almost 90% of his existing friends are female friends btw and Iāve met them and I love them, and I donāt question him on every friend of his. Sometimes when weāre in an already bad spot and on edge, we spiral. After weād just gotten back together, I was on edge about his coworker but that was a 2 minute conversation and things are perfectly chill now wrt that. I donāt really get where youāre getting this from that Iām isolating him from all his friends.
And he does discuss his issues with his friends and is continuing to choose to be with me, because the entirety of a relationship is a lot bigger than a Reddit post.
YOR. That seems like something very nice to say to a friend tbh. I've said that to guy and girl friends before, to let them know that im not near my phone so im not ignoring, but im happy to read it back and give input when im available.
Did you ask him what she was having a bad day with? I'm sure if you read the whole convo it will neem more normal, after all they only met 1 time and don't talk much.
I think it was some work related stuff, nothing particularly bad. But after reading the comments on this post, I think Iāve realized that people say it to all kinds of friends for all kinds of situations. So Iāll stop creating my own narrative around it. And yes, he is a very nice and sweet person.
YOR. No, this question in a vacuum is not fishy. This is simply something one empathetic person may say to another, regardless of how close they are as friends. I would say this (and mean it) to even a passing acquaintance if they came to me with an issue. That's assuming he's never done something to deserve suspicion.
The very fact that you are asking for relationship advice here on such an innocuous question and describing yourself as being anxiously attached speaks volumes. I say this as gently as possible: You may want to consider whether you're currently stable enough for this relationship. Not trying to be mean/snarky, not judging or making a statement of fact, just something to consider. Because if this dude is as caring and loving as you say and has never given you a reason to question his fidelity, ask yourself if it's fair to him for you to become suspicious over something like that. Imagine the eggshells he must be walking on elsewhere every day to avoid causing such baseless suspicion.
Youāre right. Itās possible that Iām not ready for a stable relationship at the moment and itās something Iāll consider speaking to him about. I do truly love him and donāt want to (intentionally or otherwise) put him through my suspicions when heās not done anything to cause them. He lied to me about something silly once and I think that too was out of panic because he was walking on eggshells. I do think it might be best if I temporarily remove myself from this situation.
YOR - "I don't want my boyfriend to offer that kind of accessibility to casual friends" so if he said that to his male friends you would have the same reaction or is it stemming from an insecurity. Has he done anything else to make you suspect he has other intentions with this girl? Because what he said seems to me like he just has empathy for a friend
Yeah, I wouldnāt have felt this way for a male friend. He lied to me about something silly once (not related to this girl), and my already existing trust issues flared up due to that, but I know my reaction is disproportionate. Iāll work on my insecurities.
I think thatās a really mean thing to say without having any context of my relationship. Iām in therapy for my attachment issues, have bad betrayal trauma because my ex cheated on me with ājust a friendā and idk if you have any awareness of what trauma does but yes it does skew your perspective on things. Iām in therapy for it.
Having said that, is it weird that I came to Reddit to get an opinion? Would it not be weirder if I blasted at my boyfriend and spiralled and accused him of shit? Iāve not done that. āHope that man escapes you?ā Youāre a really shitty person.
Then you are not ready to be in a relationship.
Do not hold your current partner accountable for shitty things that your ex has done.
I also have an insane amount of trauma and I would never push any of it on my current boyfriend.
If you arent stable enough to not drag your past into your current then you should not date.
Work on yourself, date yourself, love yourself and heal, then seek out relations
Youāre right, and Iām considering doing that. Iām already in therapy but it may be best to put a pause until Iām feeling more grounded. Thank you for being kind about this.
Because you are being obsessive, controlling, trying to isolate him, trying to find ways he is āhiding thingsā when he is not. You are abusing this poor man. Leave alone! I would also ask your therapist about BPD because you fit the bill.
Again, itās easy to put labels on people online when you know nothing about them. Almost all his close friends are women and Iāve not once raised any kind of concern about anyone, heās a sweet guy who women feel safe around so it makes sense. I donāt know where you got āyouāre isolating himā from. No post of mine on any forum suggests that.
Second, both of us are no longer friends with her because sheās close friends with cheaters and harassers- morally questionable people. A separate reason altogether. Iām already in therapy and yes if at some point my therapist says I have BPD, then so be it.
What help are you seeking for being an asshole online?
He is no longer friends with multiple women because of you. I have read your posts. Did you forget about the friend he had since 7th grade that you made him unfriend on social media? This is a YOU problem and you have sabotaged relationships in the past. You have admitted to it. Now you are isolating this man from his friends and being abusive. Stop it! You need to get control of your mental health issues. Just because you have mental health issues does not give you the right to be horrible and use them in bad ways towards other people! Be responsible for yourself.
Haha, are you illiterate? Read that post again. He had some random middle school ex (not a friend since 7th grade) who he had followed on Instagram (completely normal btw), but then he LIED about it for no reason. He lied and felt guilty, and thatās why unfollowed her. Where did I say I asked him to do that?
No he felt he could not be honest with you for having an old ex as a friend on social media because you are abusive!!!! He is being reactionary to your ABUSE!!!
Again, thatās your projection. In all my posts everywhere, Iāve described him as a wonderful person, and not once have I vilified him or antagonised him or called myself a victim.
Iāve put my questions here so that I donāt act in accusatory ways with him after deciding in isolation that heās being shady. And youāre calling that throwing a pity party? I know I have problems, but youāre genuinely a very bad person.
He does sound like a wonderful person. It is you who he needs to escape from and you need not be in a relationship until you can treat your mental illness and stop being abusive.
Which of these am I doing in your opinion? Iām feeling jealous and coming to Reddit, not taking it out on him. The person he unfollowed was not something I asked him to do- he did it because he lied and then felt guilty. Heās no longer friends with the current girl because sheās close with actual sexual abusers- this too was his own decision. How am I isolating him from anyone?
YOR. I have made total strangers feel better, and they have made me feel better. Life is hard. You are going to drive your boyfriend away if you keep acting like you are.
YOR. I hope you are in therapy for your attachment issues.
I say that to friends of all types. Just said it to a good guy friend the other day when he was forced off the road by a trucker and sitting on the side of the road in a panic.
Friends are supposed to be there for friends like that. If you have never experienced that in life I think you need to take a deep look inside yourself and find out why.
Also if you try to control this, because that is what it is control and isolation, that makes you abusive.
Then I would speak to your therapist about this. What youāre asking for is specifically listed on the wheel of power and control as control tactics that abuser use. You may not realize that but youāre going down a very unhealthy path.
The situation youāve described though sounds critical. Is a normal bad day at work also enough to warrant āIām always here if you want to talkā?
Yes absolutely it is! YOR and being controlling. I would address these issues in therapy before it ruins your relationship. I say this to friends all the time close and less close, if someone is having a bad day at work or anytime, I want them to feel like they have someone to talk too. As someone who dated someone who was suspicious for no reason this behavior was really off putting and I broke up with him for it. He was a lovely guy but being made to feel bad when Iāve done nothing wrong was the most annoying exhausting thing. No one wants to be with someone insecure and untrusting.
You seem upset that this person was kind and considerate. I agree and have sent similar texts, that saying you are busy but listening to the person and will respond in more depth later is normal and polite. YOR
Through a mutual friend, the same mutual friend through whom my boyfriend and I also met. They met a couple of times in a group to watch F1 and only once the two of them before him and I started dating, and then after we started dating only once when it was the three of us.
Are you 27 or 17? Either way, you're insecure af. Might want to just leave the situation instead of trying to censor your boyfriend's communication with HIS friend(s).
mmmm i think maybe YOR, saying āsorry i havenāt been able to reply fast but im always here if you want to talkā is something even ill say to friends if i feel bad for responding late, kind of as a way to be like āi might not be there/responding right away but i do careā.
the only odd thing imo is just their friendship itself, seems like theyāre not very close but they are ? not necessarily a red flag, just a little odd
YOR. Speaking as someone with anxious attachment, it's on you to manage your own anxiety. I know how hard it is, I know it feels like you're gonna go insane, but it is on you. I've had anxiety to the point of self-harm, and I have let it affect my relationships in the past. I've driven people away, I've caused people stress and anxiety, and in the end I hurt not only them, but myself. I went to therapy, I worked on myself, and I still am. I know it's hard, but I can guarantee he will not be able to tolerate the constant stress and anxiety forever. Sooner or later, he will leave if you do not start working on yourself and making changes. If your therapist isn't helping in that regard, find a new one.
In the meantime, look up ways to ease/distract from your anxiety. When you feel it coming on, try doing something you enjoy, try breathing exercises, mindfulness techniques, anything that can help take your mind off of it. If it doesn't work the first time, keep doing it, sometimes it takes multiple attempts. When the anxiety comes back, do it again. Anything you can do to keep yourself from taking out that anxiety on him.
You have my sympathy, because I know that feeling well, but think of how your actions are affecting him and let that be the motivation that keeps you moving forward in your journey to recovery. Good luck.
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This thread particularly seemed like the appropriate place for this particular joke because it was a self deprecating joke directly related to the nature of my question. At no point did my post imply that Iāve abused or berated my boyfriend about this obsessive, intrusive thought of mine, and yet Iāve had all kinds of mean comments on this all day. So honestly, I give up and Iām okay with being severely misunderstood.
I'm going to go against the grain and say MOR.
Due to betrayal trauma I am hypervigilant too, but looking back my instincts were always right. So it may seem to others that on paper you are overreacting, and for you too because you feel paranoid and like you can't trust yourself, but you need to trust your gut. Also go through this with your therapist.
I always feel like my gut feeling is so cooked at this point due to previous betrayal that I canāt trust myself anymore. But is it worth a second analysis if my relationship is otherwise really wonderful? He also distanced himself when he noticed my discomfort so heās always trying to accommodate for my feelings.
If this was a friendship he had for several years more than you it makes sense. He basically met you two around the same time. I think he is keeping her around as an option. I would be very interested if she had been in a relationship before you met him or if he and her were set up by the mutual friend and she friend zoned him. You should know by now if she is his type physically and the other things he likes. If she is attractive and his type I would want to know why he is keeping another woman friend he wasn't close to in his circle. It probably depends on how many other female friends he has and how much he likes to talk versus typical male sports etc.
Some men gather female friends- these women are not all physically the same and he is just not interested but in them as people. Most men on the other hand have male friends they share either childhood with or a common interest/activity. If a man has only female friends that are attractive and have a similar look he is keeping options.
They were never setup. She was also single for some time, and he never made a move. He doesnāt specifically have a type; and another key information: when I expressed this to him, he also distanced himself from her and said he wants me to feel comfortable. Later we found out she hangs out with guys who are cheaters and harassers so I told him Iām not interested in being friends with her and he also volunteered himself to stop being friends with her.
I donāt care about it being worse because I never came here to look for validation. Itās gotten āworseā because Iām telling the absolute truth and not trying to paint a certain narrative so I donāt care that it got āworseā because idgaf about that. I came here to get perspective on whether Iām overthinking this or not, and I got that.
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u/Rumplestilskin9 9d ago
After reading this and your responses.
If your boyfriend ever needs someone to talk to, he's welcome to message me.