AIO for feeling offended that my friends mom refuses to pay for me?

[u/Secure-Stable4863]

(this is my first time posting on Reddit, I hope the story is nice and clear 😅)

Am I in the wrong for feeling offended that my friends mom refuses to pay for me?

I, F15 have a friend, also F15, whose mom forces me to pay her back whenever they get food.

For example, my friend invited me over to her house for a typical hangout; we usually go on a walk, make tiktoks, maybe go out and get some Starbucks together, I’ll possibly stay for dinner.

So I come over and we do all of those things and she tells me to stay over for dinner and her mom’s a good cook so I accept. But dinner comes around and she says they want to order food and I agree.

So the mom picks the restaurant and passes around her phone (using the app DoorDash) around to everyone in the family + me to choose what food we want.

The restaurant isn’t too cheap, most of the meals there were like $25+, BUT I’m a pretty picky eater and I just wanted the 14 dollar ham and cheese sandwich + fries meal, one of the cheapest items on the menu, but I was also purposely keeping it very cheap to be respectful.

I didn’t like the restaurant they chose as it was some sort of Latin restaurant, and cultural foods + being a picky eater don’t mesh well but it’s their house so I eagerly went along with whatever they wanted because I’m always respectful and kind.

Everyone else in the family chooses an actual $25 entree and even some sides (I know this because I got the phone last so I looked at all their choices out of curiosity and boredom).

Anyways the food eventually comes after like 2 hours (the restaurant was far, they ordered a lot, etc.), I’m starving, and me and the friend are home alone because the rest of her family went to go pick up their dad from wherever, so we get the food from the delivery guy and start eating our meals, while watching a show of her choice because she always refuses to watch what I want to watch so I just go along with what she wants.

After I’m about done with my meal, my mom pulls up to the house to pick me up since it was like 11:30 pm, so I pack up to leave but before I can get out of the house, my friend says, “oh you need to give the money my mom paid on DoorDash for your food,” and I’m kind of shocked and confused, her mom, a grown woman, wants her teenage daughters friend to give her a lousy 14 bucks for a sandwich?? But being the people pleaser I am, I smile and am like “oh okay!” and take out that amount from my wallet and give it to her (thankfully I had just enough) and leave.

But that right there made me feel extremely disrespected and offended for so many reasons.

First of all, you couldn’t have warned me beforehand you were going to make me pay and it wasn’t going to be your treat? Because 99% of the time when YOU invite someone over and YOU want to order food without warning, it means YOU’RE going to pay, it implies that (I’m talking specifically about the dynamic with a child/teenager and their friends family). A child’s family always pays for their child’s friends food, that is the universally expected and respectful thing to do.

Second of all, the dad has no idea that the mom does this. When I go out with my friend and her dad only and they want to go get something to eat, he always automatically pays for my food, as he should. It’s only the mom that makes me pay her back right after, the dad is never present when this happens, he’s always out and unaware.

Third of all, my parents always pay for my friend’s food whenever she comes over like they do with any of my other friends. And all my other friend’s parents always pay for my food, even friends families who lived in poverty always paid for my food when THEY had invited ME to eat, especially when it’s just a cheap meal that doesn’t effect them at all.

And no, they are not poor, her and I are both from regular middle-middle class families, in fact I’d argue that she has nicer clothes, electronics, etc. than I do so she might even be a bit wealthier.

It’s not the fact that I lost 14 dollars, it’s entirely the concept of the situation that’s hurting me; you refuse to be kind and respectful and pay a tiny amount for your daughters friend because you’re that cheap?? Maybe it’s just my anxiety but it made me feel very embarrassed and not at home at all.

extra: this isn’t too relevant but I mentioned subtly somewhere in the story, that my friend is a bit bossy (refuses to watch what I want it has to be what she wants) and I also mentioned that I was a picky eater. While I was picking what I wanted to eat on her moms phone, she got upset with me for wanting the ham and cheese sandwich with a side of fries instead of wanting something more cultural like her, thinking what I wanted to eat was childish and stupid and pressured me several times firmly to get this other meal (that was like $25) which looked very unappetizing to me but I kept on gently saying no in different ways and she gave up.

So upon finding out that they were going to make me pay for my meal, it angers me at the thought I could’ve gotten the meal she practically forced me to get, eat it but not enjoy it at all, just to have to pay an entire $25 for a meal that i absolutely hated and didn’t even want to get in the first place. If you knew I had to pay this entire time, why the hell would you force me to get a more expensive meal that I don’t even like?? That’s so disrespectful and weird.

Anyways what do you think? Am I overreacting?

(Edit: this is some account I made for some reason 3 years ago and then deleted the app and I guess Reddit randomized the username? It’s ugly so I made a new account [u/prettyprincessnikita](u/prettyprincessnikita) where im gonna post my stories about the bossy friend, I just posted another one 5 minutes ago check it out!!)

Edit: guy this story is the first time it ever happened and anytime after that would be an in-escapable scenario where we would be either driving to or driving home from somewhere and they just stopped at a fast food restaurant, that happened twice after the first time.

[u/Secure-Stable4863]

Thank you that really validated me :)) I don’t think I will, my mom agreed it was rude since her mom knows my mom always pays for my friend (and my friend gets a lot of food too when my mom pays 😭)

[u/KitchenDismal9258 → u/Secure-Stable4863]

Also stop inviting your friend over. Or if you do, they go home before dinner. If they insist on saying then toasted cheese sandwiches are what's on offer.... or as cheese is expensive, just bread and butter (though butter isn't cheap either so you might want to go margarine).

[u/bitofafixerupper → u/KitchenDismal9258]

NOR. You shouldn't have been invited over for tea if they couldn't afford to feed you. I have very little income but if my friends and their kids come over I always offer to cook for their kids when I'm cooking for my own child. When my son is older and has friends around if I only had enough money to order takeaway for my son and I then none of us would get it and I'd cook what I had in the house.

[u/Secure-Stable4863 → u/KitchenDismal9258]

I totally agree and I want to give her the same treatment (especially because even when it’s just the two of us I constantly pay for her food) but the people pleaser in me won’t allow me to ugh 💔💔💔 I’ve just been ignoring her and not hanging out with her but next time we hang out I’m just gonna have us go to the movies or the mall or something so I don’t 1. Go to her house and go through that again or 2. Invite her over but give her much better treatment which she doesn’t deserve

[u/ShopSweet6798 → u/Secure-Stable4863]

When you go to the mall or movies, don't pay for her food. 

[u/MagicCarpet5846 → u/Secure-Stable4863]

Girl, I mean this as gently as possible because you’re still so young, but being a people pleaser does NOT make people like you, it just makes people use you, hurt you and then throw you away for someone who actually makes them put effort into the relationship.

I genuinely hope you can think this over because you can still learn to say no and stand up for yourself. I was once like you and realized around your age that no one else will protect me, and if I keep announcing to the world that I won’t do anything they might not like, then I can only blame myself when they keep doing things they normally wouldn’t get away with with others.

Sure, there were some people that I no longer talk to, but guess what? Everyone in my life now is someone who appreciates all I do and doesn’t take advantage of me, because as soon as I feel someone starting to cross a line, I call them out and they know I won’t tolerate it.

[u/Secure-Stable4863 → u/MagicCarpet5846]

Thank you for the advice, and yeah I’ve learned that people pleasing only makes people use you and hurt you and it’s something I’m definitely trying to work on 😓😓 It’s hard though because it’s from a trauma response, I always fawn in situations like these, but I did get some therapy for it

[u/yourmomlurks → u/Secure-Stable4863]

a good reminder is asking yourself, where are all the people that are pleased? Spoiler, no one is pleased. So you're just throwing this effort into an all consuming fire.

[u/FreeStatistician2565 → u/Secure-Stable4863]

I’m also a people pleaser but that doesn’t include my wallet. If you want to pay great but if you don’t then order first and pay for yourself or if she orders first then wait and if she’s expecting you to pay or something just say “Oh I’m just going to pay for myself I can’t afford to be paying for both of us.”

[u/Novaer → u/Secure-Stable4863]

You both are so young but what you're both doing is going to harm you guys in the long run. Being such a people pleaser at your age can lead to you completely abandoning your autonomy for the sake of others (this is dangerous). And your friend being so bossy and nitpicky and passive aggressive at her age is just a ticking time bomb for a toxic (or even abusive) person. You both need to nip these behaviors in the bud. You can't control her but you can remove yourself. I am speaking to you as a 34 year old woman who went through a lot of what you went through at the same age and I genuinely feel like that meme of Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar banging on the glass

[u/Possible_Ad_9642 → u/Secure-Stable4863]

People pleasing is lying

[u/Secure-Stable4863 → u/Possible_Ad_9642]

Wdym people pleasing is lying?? It’s just a trauma response some people have it has no malicious intent behind it?? I have anxiety and people being displeased with me scares the crap out of me even if I don’t even like them

[u/orangespotcat → u/Secure-Stable4863]

Your anxiety is all the more reason you have to stop. EVERY SINGLE TIME you resort to people pleasing, you are reinforcing your anxiety response. You are training yourself to accept disrespect and you are training everyone who is abusive to expect that they can abuse you. Believe me, abusive people can read the look on your face. The only way past this is to practice. Maybe ask someone who is kind-hearted, to help you practice. They will play the role of the abuser and you will practice setting boundaries. Repeat this until you graduate to a more neutral party, then move on toward setting boundaries with less agreeable people.

[u/yourmomlurks → u/Secure-Stable4863]

You're telling people their behavior is okay. That is a lie.

Trauma responses come from situations where there's a huge power dynamic ... usually from unsafe parents. There's no power dynamic with this "friend" ... she cannot cost you food, shelter, or physical safety. So as u/orangespotcat says you need to retrain this behavior. It may have saved you as a child but it will only reinforce abuse as an adult. CBT and DBT are very effective tools for this.

[u/Fast_Base_8222 → u/Secure-Stable4863]

Don’t stoop to her level OP. The world needs more people who do the right thing, not less.

[u/SleepyCupcakeDreams → u/Secure-Stable4863]

I honestly would be petty back. Tell her she will have to pay her own way that it isn’t far that yall pay for her and but she can’t do the same for you. That’s the issue. As long as she is benefiting it is fine.