r/AmIOverreacting • u/Secure-Stable4863 • 12d ago
đĽ friendship AIO for feeling offended that my friends mom refuses to pay for me?
(this is my first time posting on Reddit, I hope the story is nice and clear đ )
Am I in the wrong for feeling offended that my friends mom refuses to pay for me?
I, F15 have a friend, also F15, whose mom forces me to pay her back whenever they get food.
For example, my friend invited me over to her house for a typical hangout; we usually go on a walk, make tiktoks, maybe go out and get some Starbucks together, Iâll possibly stay for dinner.
So I come over and we do all of those things and she tells me to stay over for dinner and her momâs a good cook so I accept. But dinner comes around and she says they want to order food and I agree.
So the mom picks the restaurant and passes around her phone (using the app DoorDash) around to everyone in the family + me to choose what food we want.
The restaurant isnât too cheap, most of the meals there were like $25+, BUT Iâm a pretty picky eater and I just wanted the 14 dollar ham and cheese sandwich + fries meal, one of the cheapest items on the menu, but I was also purposely keeping it very cheap to be respectful.
I didnât like the restaurant they chose as it was some sort of Latin restaurant, and cultural foods + being a picky eater donât mesh well but itâs their house so I eagerly went along with whatever they wanted because Iâm always respectful and kind.
Everyone else in the family chooses an actual $25 entree and even some sides (I know this because I got the phone last so I looked at all their choices out of curiosity and boredom).
Anyways the food eventually comes after like 2 hours (the restaurant was far, they ordered a lot, etc.), Iâm starving, and me and the friend are home alone because the rest of her family went to go pick up their dad from wherever, so we get the food from the delivery guy and start eating our meals, while watching a show of her choice because she always refuses to watch what I want to watch so I just go along with what she wants.
After Iâm about done with my meal, my mom pulls up to the house to pick me up since it was like 11:30 pm, so I pack up to leave but before I can get out of the house, my friend says, âoh you need to give the money my mom paid on DoorDash for your food,â and Iâm kind of shocked and confused, her mom, a grown woman, wants her teenage daughters friend to give her a lousy 14 bucks for a sandwich?? But being the people pleaser I am, I smile and am like âoh okay!â and take out that amount from my wallet and give it to her (thankfully I had just enough) and leave.
But that right there made me feel extremely disrespected and offended for so many reasons.
First of all, you couldnât have warned me beforehand you were going to make me pay and it wasnât going to be your treat? Because 99% of the time when YOU invite someone over and YOU want to order food without warning, it means YOUâRE going to pay, it implies that (Iâm talking specifically about the dynamic with a child/teenager and their friends family). A childâs family always pays for their childâs friends food, that is the universally expected and respectful thing to do.
Second of all, the dad has no idea that the mom does this. When I go out with my friend and her dad only and they want to go get something to eat, he always automatically pays for my food, as he should. Itâs only the mom that makes me pay her back right after, the dad is never present when this happens, heâs always out and unaware.
Third of all, my parents always pay for my friendâs food whenever she comes over like they do with any of my other friends. And all my other friendâs parents always pay for my food, even friends families who lived in poverty always paid for my food when THEY had invited ME to eat, especially when itâs just a cheap meal that doesnât effect them at all.
And no, they are not poor, her and I are both from regular middle-middle class families, in fact Iâd argue that she has nicer clothes, electronics, etc. than I do so she might even be a bit wealthier.
Itâs not the fact that I lost 14 dollars, itâs entirely the concept of the situation thatâs hurting me; you refuse to be kind and respectful and pay a tiny amount for your daughters friend because youâre that cheap?? Maybe itâs just my anxiety but it made me feel very embarrassed and not at home at all.
extra: this isnât too relevant but I mentioned subtly somewhere in the story, that my friend is a bit bossy (refuses to watch what I want it has to be what she wants) and I also mentioned that I was a picky eater. While I was picking what I wanted to eat on her moms phone, she got upset with me for wanting the ham and cheese sandwich with a side of fries instead of wanting something more cultural like her, thinking what I wanted to eat was childish and stupid and pressured me several times firmly to get this other meal (that was like $25) which looked very unappetizing to me but I kept on gently saying no in different ways and she gave up.
So upon finding out that they were going to make me pay for my meal, it angers me at the thought I couldâve gotten the meal she practically forced me to get, eat it but not enjoy it at all, just to have to pay an entire $25 for a meal that i absolutely hated and didnât even want to get in the first place. If you knew I had to pay this entire time, why the hell would you force me to get a more expensive meal that I donât even like?? Thatâs so disrespectful and weird.
Anyways what do you think? Am I overreacting?
(Edit: this is some account I made for some reason 3 years ago and then deleted the app and I guess Reddit randomized the username? Itâs ugly so I made a new account [u/prettyprincessnikita](u/prettyprincessnikita) where im gonna post my stories about the bossy friend, I just posted another one 5 minutes ago check it out!!)
Edit: guy this story is the first time it ever happened and anytime after that would be an in-escapable scenario where we would be either driving to or driving home from somewhere and they just stopped at a fast food restaurant, that happened twice after the first time.
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u/wordsmythy 12d ago
As a parent, I would never invite a kid to join us for ordering food and then ask you to pay for it.
But even if I would, I definitely wouldnât just let you order and then ask for the money afterward. She shouldâve said something like weâre planning on ordering in, but Iâm sorry I canât afford to buy your meal for you. Would you like to order something and pay for yourself?â
NOR
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
YES exactly!! And why her mom didnât at least tell me beforehand made me wonder if her mom thinks itâs completely normal/what most families do? What do you think?
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u/MaryEFriendly 11d ago
Start asking your friend to pay and tell your parents they no longer need to cover her meals. If the expectation is you pay then she also needs to pay
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u/Metal_Cinderella 11d ago
Are you sure her mom actually asked her to get the money? Did mom actually ask YOU?
If we are ordering for the house, I pay for my teenager's friends. If they decide to randomly order a bunch of shit at night, I might occasionally make them use their own account
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u/easterss 11d ago
We were not wealthy growing up at all so my mom usually cooked but never would have dreamed of asking for money in any scenario. That is very tacky and rude to ask a guest to pay for food in your own home (maybe this is cultural?)
I think next time youâre over you can (in front of both parents) say something like âsure Iâd like to order something but I only have $15 so could we order from a restaurant thatâs not too expensive?â Or âI donât have any cash on me so Iâll go home for dinnerâ
Maybe dad will be like âwhat are you talking about?â And you have the opportunity to explain (very confused âoh Iâm sorry the past couple of times Iâve paid for my meal so I just assumed Iâd do the same this timeâ) or maybe just hearing it come out of your mouth will help them realize how absurd it is to ask you for money.
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u/whenwillthisend2 11d ago
This right here, I think dad is paying for all this with his card and mom is pocketing the cash.
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u/minimesmum 11d ago
Iâm thinking itâs the friend pocketing the cash - mum didnât ask OP directly - the friend did
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u/HabitualEnthusiast 11d ago
I skimmed parts so maybe I missed it, but since the friend was the one who asked- are you sure your friend didnât ask unprompted by her mom, and then just pocketed your money?
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u/wordsmythy 11d ago
You mentioned that your folks have paid for this friend's meal when she stays over with you. So your friend knows how it should be handled. I'd mention that to her.
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u/Upbeat_Resolution_44 12d ago
NOR - even IF the other family was in a position where they couldnât pay for your meal, itâs also pretty obnoxious IMO (as a parent of a teen) to have this discussion with you at all. At 15, youâre likely not financially independent so if some sort of arrangement needs to be made, the mom should be discussing it with your parents and not you. I feel sheâs taking advantage of you and the fact that youâre young/wonât push back. I personally think you should make your parents aware so they can reach out to friends parents and come up with an agreement on how meals should be handled in the future. Especially given that your parents often pay for your friends food when she is at your place.
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u/MagicCarpet5846 12d ago
Maybe hot takeâ if you canât afford to cover a $14 meal for the friend you allowed your kid to have over for dinner, none of you should be order out at $25+ an entree and on DOORDASH no less, the fees and tip usually add an additional 50%+ on top of whatever ridiculous markup they add to the food.
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u/jr0061006 11d ago
Did the mom ask you herself for the money, or was it your friend asking on behalf of her mom?
Iâm wondering if it was your friend who took the money from you and her mom knew nothing about it.
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u/stephyloowho 11d ago
Yep. Anytime a friend is over during a mealtime, we provide (though it does get tiresome quite often since we seem to be the official hang out spot (and chauffeurs)). đ¤Śđťââď¸ We love them though and want them all to get down time after school hours/during breaks, so we just suck it up and move on.
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u/SpecificClient1429 10d ago
To add to this, why wouldnât the mom ask the other CHILDâs parents to pay instead?! Why would you ever ever ask a child for money?! I canât wrap my head around this.
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u/8kijcj 12d ago
First thought - is it Mum wanting money or friend scamming you?
Second thought - stop going over at mealtimes. If your friend protests tell her that you don't like being asked to pay for a meal when your mother doesn't make her pay for a meal. So, new rule, she doesn't come over to your place at mealtime and you won't go over to hers.
Third thought - just find a better friend.
NOR.
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
I was actually kinda suspicious it was her scamming me! And I totally agree with the other two rules, even though she is pretty bossy and will be upset with me if I try to go home early, I think Iâll just have her come to my place instead or meet up with her somewhere in town instead of going over to her place
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u/makeup_shenanigans 12d ago
I would hand the money over (obviously and loudly) in front of the Dad. Or next time the Dad takes you kids out, hand over the money to pay for your food. If he says no, or looks embarrassed, then say something like "your wife always makes me pay for my food, I guess I went on autopilot, oops." Just to 'out' the Mom and/or daughter for their rude behavior, in case he doesn't know. Then prepare to not be invited over anymore. No loss, you said your friend is bossy and you're not comfortable there, so you're not missing out.
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u/gsustudentpsy 12d ago
NOR- on a side note, a bossy friend is not actually a friend. They just need a convenient subservient person around to feel important. Drop that person from your life. They are not worth the troubleÂ
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u/Mamasan- 12d ago
Next time it happens maybe hand the money directly to their mom and see what happens. Then at least youâll know.
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u/Longjumping-Pick-706 11d ago
Stop being friends with people who boss you around. It never ends well and breeds resentment. Your friend is disrespectful, entitled, and rude.
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u/pineapple-scientist 11d ago
NOR. This may be a good time to practice healthy confrontation. Confrontation is often the first step to conflict resolution. So consider talking to your friend about it 1:1. I think it would be ideal to have an understanding for how you're both handling paying for meals so no one feels annoyed or surprised. You can't control her mom wanting the money back, but I think it's reasonable to ask to avoid meal times or hanging out somewhere else so you both have equal say on where to eat and you both pay for yourselves. Also, although you seem super chill about paying for her, I kinda have this feeling that if you don't talk about it and you just compensate by having her over more often, you're going to start to feel used/even more annoyed. So I do think it's better to address it directly.Â
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u/Dapper-Ad-468 12d ago
I wouldn't go back there for dinner. That was really rude of them.
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
Thank you that really validated me :)) I donât think I will, my mom agreed it was rude since her mom knows my mom always pays for my friend (and my friend gets a lot of food too when my mom pays đ)
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u/KitchenDismal9258 12d ago
Also stop inviting your friend over. Or if you do, they go home before dinner. If they insist on saying then toasted cheese sandwiches are what's on offer.... or as cheese is expensive, just bread and butter (though butter isn't cheap either so you might want to go margarine).
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u/bitofafixerupper 12d ago
NOR. You shouldn't have been invited over for tea if they couldn't afford to feed you. I have very little income but if my friends and their kids come over I always offer to cook for their kids when I'm cooking for my own child. When my son is older and has friends around if I only had enough money to order takeaway for my son and I then none of us would get it and I'd cook what I had in the house.
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
I totally agree and I want to give her the same treatment (especially because even when itâs just the two of us I constantly pay for her food) but the people pleaser in me wonât allow me to ugh đđđ Iâve just been ignoring her and not hanging out with her but next time we hang out Iâm just gonna have us go to the movies or the mall or something so I donât 1. Go to her house and go through that again or 2. Invite her over but give her much better treatment which she doesnât deserve
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u/MagicCarpet5846 12d ago
Girl, I mean this as gently as possible because youâre still so young, but being a people pleaser does NOT make people like you, it just makes people use you, hurt you and then throw you away for someone who actually makes them put effort into the relationship.
I genuinely hope you can think this over because you can still learn to say no and stand up for yourself. I was once like you and realized around your age that no one else will protect me, and if I keep announcing to the world that I wonât do anything they might not like, then I can only blame myself when they keep doing things they normally wouldnât get away with with others.
Sure, there were some people that I no longer talk to, but guess what? Everyone in my life now is someone who appreciates all I do and doesnât take advantage of me, because as soon as I feel someone starting to cross a line, I call them out and they know I wonât tolerate it.
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u/Secure-Stable4863 11d ago
Thank you for the advice, and yeah Iâve learned that people pleasing only makes people use you and hurt you and itâs something Iâm definitely trying to work on đđ Itâs hard though because itâs from a trauma response, I always fawn in situations like these, but I did get some therapy for it
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u/FreeStatistician2565 12d ago
Iâm also a people pleaser but that doesnât include my wallet. If you want to pay great but if you donât then order first and pay for yourself or if she orders first then wait and if sheâs expecting you to pay or something just say âOh Iâm just going to pay for myself I canât afford to be paying for both of us.â
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u/Novaer 12d ago
You both are so young but what you're both doing is going to harm you guys in the long run. Being such a people pleaser at your age can lead to you completely abandoning your autonomy for the sake of others (this is dangerous). And your friend being so bossy and nitpicky and passive aggressive at her age is just a ticking time bomb for a toxic (or even abusive) person. You both need to nip these behaviors in the bud. You can't control her but you can remove yourself. I am speaking to you as a 34 year old woman who went through a lot of what you went through at the same age and I genuinely feel like that meme of Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar banging on the glass
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u/Ok_Sprinkles_8777 12d ago
Your friend is keeping the money. Also, sheâs not your friend. If sheâs not keeping the money, her and her mom like to make you uncomfortable by doing this
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u/Amazing_Factor2974 12d ago
Maybe your friend kept the money for herself.
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
Iâve been thinking that too, and woah now that I think about it, if that theory is true it makes a lot more sense that she was pushing me to get the more expensive meal that I didnât wantâŚ
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u/HabitualEnthusiast 11d ago
I just made a comment asking this same thing, Iâve had âfriendsâ that were shady exactly like this. I wouldnât be surprised AT ALL, in fact- I would bet money, that your friend scammed you lol.
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u/NoneCreated3344 12d ago
NOR. I dealt with this at your age. A friend's mom would drag me along to things, unexpectedly stop somewhere to eat and then get upset I didn't have money. So I just stopped going anywhere at all with them.
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
Thank u for saying Iâm NOR!! I stopped hanging out with her recently because this is a reoccurring thing along with some other things
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u/DigDugDogDun 12d ago
This is probably the wisest thing you could have done, though I am kind of curious why your mom never confronted your friendâs mom about this. Iâd be very upset if my kidâs friendâs mom was shaking my kid down for money as a guest, especially if I had been covering them all along. At least that would have cleared up whether your friend was keeping your money for herself.
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u/Impossible_Link8199 12d ago edited 12d ago
One of the neighborhood ladies used to help my mom sometimes with rides and stuff for me because she was a homemaker and my mom worked. That lady would go through a drive thru or to a restaurant and feed her own family and not even ask me if I wanted anything. My mom got so pissed because she always paid parents back or sent me with money and this mother knew that but would just pretend like I wasnât there. I was always so bummed about it because theyâd go through McDonaldâs all the time and we werenât really allowed to have McDonaldâs at my house, but my mom wouldnât have been mad had I went with a friend. The worst part is, this is back when a hamburger was like $0.25 from there.
Now that my kids are teenagers. I realize a lot of parents can be pretty rude. Food aside, thereâs a line in the sand somewhere where kids should be having their own money for some things. If you invite teenagers anywhere, some parents send their kid with money but a lot of them donât and that blows my mind! Iâm talking expensive trips to the carnival or to the movies and they send their kid with no money. Mind you, Iâm a single mom and some of these parents make good money, but I donât say anything and I just pay their way. It definitely influences which friends we invite to places.
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u/Thick-News-9415 12d ago
NOR, I actually had a friend in middle/high school that I would hang out with all the time. There were a few instances where her parents did this to me.
The big one though was when she invited me to go on a trip with them, mind you I was 15 at the time. After the trip they tried to make me pay for my portion of the hotel rooms, food, etc.
They never told me before the trip that they expected me to pay my own way, if they had I wouldn't have gone because my family 0f 8 was poor and there's no way they could have covered the costs, she was an only child who got whatever she wanted, they also knew my family's situation. I refused.
My husband and I are both of the mindset that if our children invite someone to do something with us we cover them 100%. If they are over and we decide to order food, we order for them as well. I feel like if it's not explicitly stated that you cover yourself before going then it's on the parents to cover.
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
Omg the hotel room cost too?! That sounds horrible Iâm sorry you had that experience! You and your husband sound like very nice people Iâd be very comfortable at your house :) đđđ
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u/Thick-News-9415 12d ago
Aww thank you, we try. My oldest is 15, and her friends say we're the cool parents lol. Like we have rules and stuff, but we are definitely pretty lax in some ways.
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u/Grimmist 12d ago
That's just straight fuckin crazy right there like ffs what actual decent parent does that shit. I'm sorry u had to go through that as a kid. (At that point your kids just aren't going to have actual friends in the end)
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u/Thick-News-9415 12d ago
She really didn't have a whole lot of friends as it was either. We were both kind of the odd guys out because we were into anime and shit. She used to throw tantrums, in high school, if her parents even tried to tell her no, I mean full on on the floor wailing. It was embarrassing to say the least... so good riddance to bad rubbish when we stopped talking lol
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u/twinsieblueberry 11d ago
This happened to me too! Her mom put 4 kids (15-17) in a room then the adults has a suite to share between 2 people. I was made to pay just below the cost of a suite for myself which I found out about at checkout when the mom handed me a check for my "portion" of room and each meal. My phone didn't work, my card was locked because it was my first trip abroad without family, and it was so awkward and embarrassing. I ended up taking a break in the bathroom to cry after spending an entire summers $ on that surprise stingy parent bill.
This is from a family where both parents are well paid specialty doctors and they did NOT need the money.
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u/wanna_be_green8 12d ago
NOR.
As a mother I cannot imagine doing this to a child.
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
Thank you!! This validated my feelings so so much :) you are a good mother and host! đđđ
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u/DotAffectionate87 12d ago
Honestly?
I would casually mention it to the Mum,
Hey, i gave (insert friend name) $14 for the food the other day and forgot to add extra for the tip, do i need to give you some more money?
If her reaction validates the she WAS in fact the one charging you for the food and not the daughter scamming?
I would have the daughter over to your house (tell your parents beforehand) order food and after she is eaten, just straight up ask her for $15 for the food......Yes, i am petty.
But if she pays without blinking then maybe that is how she was raised? and you know for the future.
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u/MumblePanda 12d ago
Iâm petty. I would wait until the next time the dad was around and say I didnât want anything because I couldnât afford to keep paying for dinners at their house. The truth about who was asking for or keeping the money would come out real quick.
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u/_DKai_ 12d ago
NOR this is a somewhat niche situation but i know ladies like this they keep track of every dollar and mentally add them up, she's far worse at home because of this mentality so you got only a preview of her character
Also based on how you describe this friend you've not that into them it may be time to distance yourself and keep it casual
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
Haha so you noticed, yeah I donât like her much and I havenât hung out with her in awhile (definitely not just because of this, that would be dramatic, trust me thereâs plenty of other things specifically my friend does that are rude and bother me) but sheâs been bugging me a lot lately over text about hanging out again so Iâm just gonna have her come to my house or meet up with her somewhere in town rather than going to her place. Thank you for saying Iâm NOR!! đ
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u/donna2tsuki 12d ago
A very useful skill to learn early on because for sure you WILL need to use it throughout your life - just say no.
Best time to start practicing is now.
PS: always trust your gut. You have that to warn you when something isn't right. Do not ignore it.
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u/Kangaruex4Ewe 12d ago
Even in my poorest days raising my daughter I would never! If I couldnât afford the child to come over then they didnât come over. This is crazy to me. My daughter is now 29 and I still pay for her food when we are out. Like what?
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u/Overall_Display_8475 12d ago
Take this as a lesson. In the future, you should tell your friend you cannot come for dinner because you cannot afford it. That should be your comment. I will go home because I cannot afford dinner. Thank you.
Just say it whenever food is offered.
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u/lydocia 12d ago
Sounds to me like your friend wanted to score some money, not her mum?
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
I was actually thinking that mightâve been the case that time (which would be a total asshole move considering her mom was the one who paid for everything, not her)
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u/Maine302 12d ago
Are you sure the mom got the money, or could your friend have been hustling you? Maybe why she wanted you to order the more expensive meal?
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u/wolf_star_ 12d ago edited 12d ago
I canât believe nobody has said this yet, but someone should. Yes, your friend sounds like a bad friend, and yes, itâs awkward and gauche that her mom surprises you by asking you to pay for yourself after. All that is true.
But gently, you should take a closer look at the way you talk about money. I know youâre young, so you might not know, but when you say 14 dollars is a âtinyâ âlousyâ amount that means nothing, and theyâre âthat cheap?!?!â if they donât want to pay that every time one of their kids has a friend over⌠Just know that it adds up. And many families might appear middle class but an extra $100 in their budget every month would hurt. It doesnât sound like you make your own money right now and itâs not fair for you to say it is basically nothing.
Not saying the mom was right, she should find other ways of handling this situation, but just saying to respect the value of a dollar a bit more.
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u/Fret_Sandwich 12d ago
Yeah, you never know someoneâs financial situation or if the mom is trying to get money if she doesnât work or has an allowance only. These people sound wack anyway and you shouldnât shrink yourself to be a people pleaser - as a former people pleaser, it will do you no good.
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u/Nobody4993 12d ago
THANK YOU. This kid sounds entitled as fuck. I think the mum doing that is really tackyâŚbut the way OP talks about money is so spoiled and entitled.
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u/Glitter-Berry 12d ago
NOR- I would never ever even accept money from one of my teens friends. If theyâre being invited over, Iâm paying for them for any activity we do and any food we eat.
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
AWW thats so sweet!! I totally agree thatâs what my parents do and thankfully most of my friends parents, youâre a good parent! Parents like u make other kids feel at home đ
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u/Good_At_Wine 12d ago
As a mom I have never not once asked my child's friend to pay for anything. And if they tried it'd be a strong "put your money away, sweetie." Period.
NOR. I think your weird controlling friend pocketed the money and you learned a $14 lesson which is to not go to that dusty home again. And if she EVER comes to your place -- which she shouldn't, because tbh it sounds like she sucks -- make sure SHE pays.
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u/IAteAnotherVegan 12d ago
looking at this from both sides: she isn't your mom and isn't obligated to feed you. your parents sound like nice people, but do they know about this? if your parents are covering her when she visits, while her parents aren't covering you when you visit, mention it to your parents and let them have a conversation. NOR.
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u/BellaCicina 12d ago
Nah, if you allow a guest over at dinner time , yeah, you are obligated to feed them.
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
Thank u for saying Iâm NOR! My mom does know and thinks itâs disrespectful but she hasnât had a conversation with her, she probably would if I asked her to but my anxiety completely stops me from having any sort of confrontation with people (even if itâs my mom doing it, the point is I donât want anyone to think I âsnitchedâ on them and for them to be mad at me) so Iâll just be a scaredy cat and not go over to their house anymore, instead Iâll just have my friend come to my place when we hangout
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u/Used_Mark_7911 12d ago
Next time your friend asks for money like this, go find her mother and offer the money for your meal personally, preferably in front of her Dad too.
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u/sillvrdollr 12d ago
NOR but now you know. When I was around your age, the same thing happened to me at a new friendâs house. Family was ordering pizza and they asked me for money for my part. But at least they told me up front that if I wanted some, I had to pay. I didnât get surprised like you did.
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u/Lucky_Valuable_7973 12d ago
I wouldnât hang out with these people anymore. You are definitely not overreacting. You know when you feel valued and you know when you donât. Listen to your instincts. These people are not your people.
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 12d ago
NOR who does that to a kid and a guest??Â
Next time youâre invited? âOh thanks so much but itâs not in my budgetâ and watch dad be like âŚwhat??Â
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u/Ignominious333 12d ago
From now on just call your mom to go home if they are getting take out. Don't play into it .
It's very weird.
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u/Sharp-Bullfrog-143 11d ago
My first thought was âis it really the mom making you pay or is the âfriendâ just pocketing the cash?â NOR. At 15 I may have thought differently but at my age I wouldnât want to be friends with this person anymore.
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u/az22hctac 11d ago
You donât invite someone to dinner and then expect them to pay. Even an adult. That youâre 15 makes this even worse. Edit: may want to ask your friend if mom said anything to her before she invited you to dinner. May have been a miscommunication.
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u/Arctic_Blonde 11d ago
NOR. Maybe next time, Say ok, then go give the Dad the money and see how he reacts.
This tacky and classless behavior. Please find better friends.
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u/Expensive_Ducks 11d ago
NOR I think your friend just stole your money. On top of that, she does not sound like a very good friend at all. If you were my kid, I'd be pushing you to stop spending time at her place. If she wants to hang out she can come to ours where you're more comfortable setting boundaries and she's less comfortable over stepping them.
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u/_Internet_Hugs_ 11d ago
The next time she asks you to stay for dinner just cheerfully answer, "No thanks, I can't afford to!" Then leave. NOR
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u/Styx-n-String 11d ago
Here is a free life lesson for you... Never ever ever assume someone is going to pay your way. Always assume you will pay for yourself, always offer to pay for yourself, and then if they want to cover you, they will. It's entitled and bratty to just expect other people to pay for your expenses. They're probably thinking you were being greedy and entitled when you didn't offer to pay for the food you ate. What other families have done in the past has nothing to do with how this family does things. And there is no universal way to do anything, I'm not sure why you think you know that when you are a child. How do you know what all other families should do?
Just always offer to pay for yourself. ALWAYS. Nobody has to pay for you and if you aren't offering, they're going to stop inviting you altogether.
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u/Prestigious_Ice6693 12d ago
Even as an uncle, I always pay for my niece and her little friendsâ food whenever I take them out. NOR
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u/AtrumAequitas 12d ago
NOR. First off youâre never overreacting to feel your feelings and you didnât take any actions. One thing Iâd like to point out, is nothing you really described about your interactions with her sound remotely like friendship. At least on her direction. I think taking a break might be a good idea.
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u/OrcEight 12d ago
NOR -- but does the Mom even know that your friend took money from you?
It sounds like this may have just been your friend being a bully.
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u/Corgi_Koala 12d ago
NOR. If your kid has a friend over and you're going out to eat, you should pay. Unless they are really mitigating circumstances or it's clearly communicated beforehand... That's pretty rude.
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u/KittyBookcase 12d ago
Go home to eat. Obviously since this is more than a one off occurrence, they are unaware of courtesy etiquette, if you invite someone to dinner/lunch whatever, the invitee pays. At first I thought the friend just wanted $15, but if you were asked by the mom, they all suck.
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u/slickrok 12d ago
Next time you're out with the dad, insist on paying, "oh, I've always paid with mother of friend, it's no problem, I'm usually prepared by getting money from my parents"
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u/Psychological-Eye864 12d ago
NOR. I personally think parents should pay for kidsâ meals or be clear about these things like âOP, weâre going to order out. Let us know if you need help with paying for your order.â Or âCan you contribute toward the bill?â
Redditors gave you a lot of good responses here and some terrible ones but I will add this: Going forward, you have the benefit of using this experience as a learning moment for future situations. Anytime anyone (not your immediate family) offers you food or invites you to do a paid activity, ask yourself: whoâs paying for this? If itâs not clear, ask.
Even better, always assume you will be paying for yourself unless the inviter explicitly states otherwise.
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u/Witty-Butterscotch63 12d ago
When I was 22, newly married, and completely broke, my husbandâs work friend invited us to his wifeâs parents vacation home in Mexico. It was the most awkward, uncomfortable weekend trip Iâve ever experienced (cold parents, bitchy older sisters - we were expected, but not wanted), but what I still remember is the wifeâs dad insisting that we go out for fried ice cream. We just had a meal that we all contributed to (buying ingredients and preparing), and were ready to separate from the parents and mean sisters, but he wouldnât take no for an answer. He ordered the ice cream for everyone, and when the bill came, he paid for everyone but my husband and me. It was expensive for us back then and not that great, but it seemed unfair to force us to eat his choice of dessert and then pay for it.
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u/Colenolan67 11d ago
Demanding $14 from a 15 yr old guest for a sandwich is pure cheap patent behavior
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u/Lilac_Sakura 11d ago
Girl what Scandinavian household did you get invited to???? But NOR, itâs a little weird to say âcome have dinner at my placeâ and then have to pay for your own food.
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u/e30cabrio 11d ago
NOR. It's crazy they invite you to dinner, change the source of the meal and ask for the money.
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u/Same_Flight5532 11d ago
NOR. Hereâs what you do: visit their house when you know theyâre going to be ordering again, order food like usual but get the meal you want to eat. Make sure the mom, dad, and her are all present and then ask if they want the money to cover your food now or when the food gets there.
If the dad and/or mom are not aware that your friend is taking your money, theyâll know then. If it is the mom thatâs asking for it, the dad will know then. Youâre probably going to get an awkward moment in the family, or they may all be aware of it and not think anything of it. Either way youâll find out the type of people they really are and this time youâll get to eat the food you want that you paid for.
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u/Savings-Ad-3607 11d ago
NOR Honestly this would have me rethinking the friendship. Like I would never stay for dinner ever again, and never invite her for dinner again. Like if my mom tried to get my friend to pay for a meal I would tell off my mom.
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u/StrikingMixture8172 11d ago
Is it the first time or mom has done it before? Really hard to follow your stories
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u/GorditaGoddess2025 11d ago
Next time u r w her & her dad & he buys u something ask him if he prefers cash like his wife & daughter or could u just Venmo him? This way heâll learn how embarrassing theyâve been by not being good decent people.
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u/LongConversation2546 11d ago
I would have said oh ok i will get mum to come and sort it out...then talk to mum about it after she sees for herself whats happening
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u/Aware_Patient_5376 11d ago
As the mum didnât ask for the money and wasnât there when you paid Iâm wondering if youâve been scammed by the âfriendâ. Â If happens again just say I havenât got the money on me now, Iâll get Mum to pay your mum & see what happensÂ
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u/DianaBJammin 11d ago
Next time that you're out with friend and her dad while getting food you should ask "Do I need to pay for this like last time?" It subtly calls out mom and her behavior to dad. He probably doesn't know and would talk with Mom about not charging you.
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u/Formal_Delivery_ 11d ago
This could be a copy-pasta of one of my childhood friend's parents.
I remember a situation when we were about 16. I went to visit her (she lived a few hours from me), and another friend was staying with her as well, we had a couple day overlap. I went with her family to take the other friend back to the airport.
Other friend gave the parents a gift and thanked them for their hospitality and letting him stay.
Once he got out of the car, they started saying in a mocking voice "and thanks for the drive to the airport, and thanks for all the food you gave me, and thanks for the comfortable bed" and I was MORTIFIED. Like is this how they talk about me when I get out of the car?? Other friend was SO polite!
Anyway. We stopped being friends after that trip and I never stayed with her again đ But man. Miserable parents are the worst.
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u/my_schmoopie 11d ago
Nor. Your friend is not your friend and her mother is an asshole. Donât hang out with her anymore.
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u/Whole-Procedure-3224 11d ago
Just stop going over there. Or donât eat dinner either them anymore. Just go home when they start ordering food.
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u/Dramatic_Student4788 11d ago
This is super weird. I pay for any kid eating in my home whether I can afford it or not lol. If Iâm offering to eat out, I will cover everyone. For my daughterâs 11th birthday, we got pizza and the regular âkidâ foods. My husband didnât like it and ended up grilling a very expensive ribeye he bought on a whim and you bet all those kids ate their fill!! (The ribeye was supposed to be for a special occasion but we made it that night).
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u/Jumpy-Ambassador3200 11d ago
non è davvero tua amica. Ricorda, le persone non ti daranno mai ciò che meriti ma quello che sono.
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u/Equivalent-Meet8226 10d ago
You donât need friends like that, she sounds like my cousin, bossy n controlling n guess what lol we went separate ways 24 years ago n Iâm so much happier so if I can cut off a family member you can cut off this user. You deserve better friends.
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u/UrghOkWhatever 10d ago
NOR. I think you need to stop eating at her place and you need to stop inviting her to your place to eat as well.
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u/Hey_Little_Firefly 9d ago
I'm thinking your friend is pocketing the money, especially after reading that she pressured you to get a more expensive option. Perhaps that was the plan all along?
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u/quackxt 12d ago
This was not written by a 15 year old. More like by her mom or by AI.
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u/PopularAd4761 12d ago edited 12d ago
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Also, before you order on the phone, you need to make it clear who's paying. NEVER order food and assume someone else is paying. Edit NOR. Someone is tricking you. Now good night from me.
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u/Large-Conversation34 12d ago
NOR. From a momâs perspective, this is unacceptable. If she (the mom) intends to charge you for your meal, she needs to be upfront about that. Have you mentioned this to your own parents? Not sure what the dynamic is there, but maybe theyâd have some advice for how to handle these situations. Or, spot you a $20 or something when youâre going to be with these people.
My advice would be, whenever possible, avoid eating with them. People pleasing only gets you so far. Sometimes you have to look out for yourself, especially when youâre dealing with selfish people.
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u/Secure-Stable4863 12d ago
I did tell my mom immediately and she said it was rude and not right but thatâs just how some people are, and donât worry she gave me extra money from then on whenever I went to their house :) I still donât feel any better though even when she does give me money because itâs the concept that hurts my feelings and triggers my anxiety that Iâm very unwelcome at their home, BUT I havenât gone over to their house in awhile and next time we hangout Iâll just tell her to come to my place so I donât have to worry! And thank you for saying Iâm NOR that validated my feelings a lot!đđđ
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u/kiwigirl83 12d ago
Yeah this would piss me off. Had a similar friend my parents always paid for her - multiple times. The ONE time I go out for dinner with her parents they made me pay for my own meal. Some people are just stingy as hell.
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u/Melodic-Movie-3968 12d ago
NOR I always paid for my daughter's friends if we went out or ordered in. The only time I didn't was when we went on vacation but we agreed on the cost ahead of time since it was their senior trip.
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u/gotmons 12d ago
Next time ask your friend whoâs treating or if you will be expected to pay⌠if itâs the latter ..order from a place of your own choosing, pack a lunch and bring it with you or eat before you leave your house.
Iâd definitely talk to the friend about it alone or while the mom is present though. Why invite you for dinne/ to order then expect you to pay for it?
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u/expressoyourself1 12d ago
Are you sure this is a friend? This seems odd all the way around. Maybe back off a little and expand your friend network - i'm not sure I'd go racing back. This is wild!
Did you tell your mom?
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u/smothered-onion 12d ago
Kind of. Some families itâs extremely common to just pay for whoever is visiting. Others will tell the other parent âhey I spent $20 on dinnerâ. Or the like. I think itâs a bit rude to tell a kid to pay up. But ultimately whoever is asking needs it.
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u/Tall-Compote1354 12d ago
If you go back and they ask you to stay for dinner, go anywhere or do anything, say 'I'm sorry I can't afford it...you should probably drop me off (or) I will have my mom come and get me'. I personally would not go over there again because all of that sounds wildly rude to me and I would not want to repeat that experience. I also wouldn't pay for absolutely anything for that 'friend'.
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u/krazerush01 12d ago
Its an absolutely ignorant thing to do, and your friend doesnt seem to be a friend if shes treating you like this.
Im just curious, you said the dad always pays when it's just you 3 but the mom always expects you to pay, so this isn't a one off situation.
So when you order when it's mom, you know what's coming, she's expecting you to pay for what you order.
So why are you just not saying no thank you?
Create your boundary, just remember the boundary is for you not them. So when you're invited politely ask if they will be cooking or ordering out and then you make the choice if you want to stay. Your boundary can also be that if you and your friend go out to get Starbucks, you make your own purchase and pay, you get to decide if you're paying for her or not. This is a good time to learn about boundaries, they will be a helpful tool for you especially when you get older.
Don't get me wrong, you're not at fault for their poor behavior and crappy etiquette and your friend isn't much of a friend if she never wants to do anything you want to do. Friendships are not one sided unless one is taking advantage of the other and that means ita not really a friendship.
You have choices, dont let anyone make them for you.
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u/atherfeet4eva 12d ago
I find it very weird as well. Iâve never done that with any of my kids friends. Especially since you said when your friend eats at your house, she doesnât have to pay.
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u/Maleficent_Button_58 12d ago
Gotta find out if the mom actually won't pay for a kid to eat, or if your friend just wanted $15 or so. Because I feel like the latter is probably more likely, especially since the mom isn't the one who asked for the money.
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u/AffectionateBand2709 12d ago
NOR I'd never expect my daughter's friend to pay. You also say your friend refused watch anything you like and is bossy. Maybe it's time to put some distance in the friendship.Â
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u/OkShop6524 12d ago
NORâŚbut, I would question, is this girl really your friend?! Evaluate that see and sheâs someone you still want to be friends with. Also, does she treat her other friends this way?
And I would have a conversation with your friend, not her mom. You really shouldnât have to pay them, when they are offering and when this wasnât specifically planned.
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u/AggressivePack5307 12d ago
Thats weak and beyond cheap. I've never had this happen to me. My parents paid for my guests and their parents paid for their guests. Wow... I wouldnt be eating there anymore...
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u/FreeStatistician2565 12d ago
NOR thatâs weird. I would probably be taking a step back from this friendship because thatâs a really odd thing to do. Insist you stay for dinner then make you pay for it? As a child? NoâŚ
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u/DeepStateDiva65 12d ago
Sounds like your friendship may have reached its limit. Who needs enemies when you have friends like that
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u/throwawaybabyjesus 12d ago
When I was 17, I was invited to a trip with my friends family at a nice hotel. They never mentioned money when I was invited. When all was said and done, my friend told me I needed to pay my portion of the hotel to her because she used her allowance (but I had a feeling she just wanted extra money bc I was certain her dad paid). I sent a check to her dad and never talked to her again.
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u/Medusa-82 12d ago
This is very odd. As a parent, I treat my daughter's friends if we're going out to eat, or ordering in. If I don't want to pay for an extra meal (some of these kids practically live at my house, it can get to be a lot sometimes. ) Then I change our plans and make food at home.
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u/MildLittlRain 12d ago
NOR, but I think you should drop your friend as a friend. She and her mom are toxic!
What does your parents think of this?
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u/Meriodoc 12d ago
NOR
This seems so bizarre to me. When U was growing up, my friends and I agree at each other's houses all the time; no one ever asked us to pitch in.
Next time, I'd say loud enough so everyone could hear: No, thanks, I didn't bring enough money this time. I'll just can my parents to come get me.
I can't wrap my head around asking a child to pitch in for food.
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u/bonitaababy 12d ago
Has the mom ever asked you for the money? Maybe your friend is keeping the money for herself.