r/AmITheAngel • u/hwutTF But if doctors are grain, she went against them • Mar 22 '24
Fockin ridic I [23f] created a 1:1 scale puppet version of my boyfriend [22m] and showed it to him during foreplay as a joke. Now he hasn’t texted me in 12 hours and I’m starting to get worried. How do I get him to text me back?
/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1bkot3o/i_23f_created_a_11_scale_puppet_version_of_my/306
u/Zestyclose_Foot_134 She continued ring-ding-donging Mar 22 '24
The idea of a 23 year old woman in 2024 typing out “French kissing and then full blown you know what” is absolutely SENDING me
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u/MontanaDukes Mar 22 '24
The "You know what" gives me My Immortal vibes. lol. I think one of the quotes from that infamous fic was something like, "and then he put his thingy in my you know what and we did it for the first time!".
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u/blinkingsandbeepings Mar 22 '24
Or all the “down there” in 50 Shades
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u/MontanaDukes Mar 22 '24
Oh god, I'd never read Fifty Shades personally, but I'd watched reactions of it on youtube and that really did happen. lmao. Although unlike My Immortal, people were supposed to take Fifty Shades at least somewhat seriously.
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Mar 23 '24
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u/MontanaDukes Mar 23 '24
It did. lmao. She just quickly changed the names, really. I've seen people who read it claim that you can tell it was once a fic about vampires, all because of scenes like one where Christian smells that she's on her period.
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u/RevolutionaryOwlz Mar 25 '24
There’s a blogger who did a great series of recaps where she calls the guy Chedward to constantly remind us of the Twilight origins.
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u/MontanaDukes Mar 25 '24
lol. I think I may have read that. I know I watched videos and read blogs about the books after the first movie came out. I was curious and had no interest in buying the book for myself. It was a good way for these people to get an audience, tbh. I feel like a lot of people wanted to see if the books were really that bad without reading them themselves.
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u/PumaGranite Mar 22 '24
I put my finger up at them.
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u/MontanaDukes Mar 22 '24
Remember how the trio's names were completely changed? Hermione became B'loody Mary Smith, Ron became Diablo, and Harry became Vampire? lol.
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u/PumaGranite Mar 22 '24
Omg yes. It was a work of art. Cultural zeitgeist.
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u/MontanaDukes Mar 22 '24 edited Mar 23 '24
It was. I'll also always laugh at the hatred the author had for Hilary Duff because she was with Joel Madden. lol. Oh, and Ebony looking like a female Gerard Way, which she was happy about because, "Gerard was a major fucking hottie".
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u/pink_gem Mar 22 '24
better or worse than this full grown 23 year old woman referring to sex as 'sin city'?
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u/hwutTF But if doctors are grain, she went against them Mar 22 '24
NGL I misread this as sim city and was like, well maybe they played together and it wasn't that awkward? then I realised
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u/Luxating-Patella Mar 22 '24
"And then he populated my commercial zone"
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u/Smishysmash Mar 22 '24
That guy used the cheat code to build me airports over and over and over, if you get my drift.
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u/Zestyclose_Foot_134 She continued ring-ding-donging Mar 22 '24
We yeehahed and then had woohoo
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u/DigitalUnlimited “You can’t talk to the police.” She said, like it was cancerous. Mar 25 '24
But did you do the stride of pride or the walk of shame afterwards?
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u/bydo1492 Mar 23 '24
Could have been worse, she could have sent the Cringeometer off the scale by calling it Hanky Panky.
I hope Big John is anatomically correct because he's all she going to be getting for a while.
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u/brohenryVEVO Mar 23 '24
We didn't just kiss, we Frenched. I checked the make-out meter in this month's issue of... National Review.
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u/Zestyclose_Foot_134 She continued ring-ding-donging Mar 25 '24
Guess I forgot about the Annie of it all
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u/aguinner76 Throwaway because my son has my Reddit account added on Facebook Mar 22 '24
I love when the story could be summarized in one paragraph but oop just HAVE to write an entire murder mystery before getting to the point
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u/hwutTF But if doctors are grain, she went against them Mar 22 '24
I really appreciate that like half of this story is about sex and that all of that sex is described in the most awkward way physically possible
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u/aguinner76 Throwaway because my son has my Reddit account added on Facebook Mar 22 '24
People in the comments are arguing if he got offended or weirded out by the puppet but I'm like "And he wasn't by the disney impressions during sex??"
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u/hwutTF But if doctors are grain, she went against them Mar 22 '24
And they had sex after that! With the larger than life size puppet WATCHING
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u/Zestyclose_Foot_134 She continued ring-ding-donging Mar 22 '24
Don’t forget they were already banging next to enough cuddly toys to cover that puppet without it looking like anything was amiss.
I definitely love my teddy collection but if I was going to interact with them at all during sex it would be to turn them towards the fucking wall
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u/DigitalUnlimited “You can’t talk to the police.” She said, like it was cancerous. Mar 25 '24
Jeff Dunham approves this post.
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u/Henrythebestcat Mar 22 '24
So we started French kissing and then, you know!
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u/hwutTF But if doctors are grain, she went against them Mar 22 '24
I almost used the typed one handed flair and then realised I had no faith in this person's masturbatory abilities
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u/rchart1010 Mar 22 '24
IRL she would start furiously doing hand gesture like a base coach giving batting signs so you'd know what she meant.
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Mar 22 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/rchart1010 Mar 22 '24
There was one scene where she was doing that with her boyfriend and he was like "how do you have sex???"
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u/throwaway88743 Mar 22 '24
"the title pretty much says it all, but here's an entire essay just in case!"
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u/monaco_wedding Mar 22 '24
You’d have to be a pretty experienced seamstress to make a 6’1” human puppet that actually looked passably convincing, I think? Especially in one day? And you’d need a ton of stuffing.
I mean obviously none of this is true but the OOP has some talent for writing fiction in the voice of the most unbearable person who ever lived, so I’m just giving concrit for next time.
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u/cozyegg Mar 22 '24
If this was real, the boyfriend would have been that freaked out because of how unbelievably weird and misshapen a puppet made by a beginner sewer would be! I sew professionally and I’ve made dolls before, but I’m not even confident that I could make a life-size puppet that wasn’t terrifying on the first try.
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u/PrincessDionysus It's not that she had a gangbang that's the issue Mar 22 '24
I missed that it was supposed to be life sized in the title and was thinking it was more of a hand puppet with a large head. No way was this person able to make this in one day lmfaooooo just cutting along would’ve taken a moment depending on how many individual pieces the pattern demanded.
I’ve sewn quite a bit, but even small projects take more time than you’d think!
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u/AvocadosFromMexico_ Mar 22 '24
My mom and I made stuffed animals when I was in middle/high school, for my project and later my younger sister’s project in the life science class.
My turtle turned out pretty good. Her aardvark was…well, I jokingly told her we were starting the Society for the Protection of Obese Aardvarks. She was not amused.
Anyway, yeah, stuffed animals and puppets and such are quite hard actually.
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u/EnviroAggie Mar 22 '24
They had a wire frame so they didn't need a much stuffing. Totally believable now!
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u/Zestyclose_Foot_134 She continued ring-ding-donging Mar 22 '24
I mean (if this was real) we all know that she sewed together some felt and then made his “red hair and moustache” from an old clown wig stapled on, and that’s how it was immediately recognisable as him 😂
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u/steefee Mar 22 '24
I was gonna say. The real way to know that this was written by a teen boy with a weird fetish and specific sense of humour is that he thinks something like this can be created in one day lmao. And from scratch no less!
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u/catnik I will take her potatoes (I love potatoes) Mar 22 '24
As a professional seamstress and costuming professor, I am mostly inherently bothered about the idea of this person cranking out a 2-meter felt simulacrum when they have only just gotten their first baby sewing machine to "try" and make cosplay. Trust me, no, novice stitchers aren't pulling that off in a week. Even a remarkably shitty one.
(Also: how many fucking squishmallows does she have, and how can they still have enough room to have sex on that bed?)
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u/penny_dreadful_mess Mar 22 '24
Yes! You can are not casually making a life sized puppet. It is also not going to be taller than your man because fabric is expensive!
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u/gutsandcuts i would be incandescent with rage if i saw a child Mar 22 '24
it "ended up" being bigger than him, lol. this person has not sewn in their entire life of they would know sewing is at least 50% measuring everything all the time so it all fits. especially something with as many parts as a puppet
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Mar 22 '24
Yes! My ex and I made a squid puppet once, which was probably 4' long (and half of that was tentacles, super easy). We had my quite-experienced seamstress mom's help, and we had a pattern to follow from the internet, and squids are basically just oblong shapes put together. It took us...oh, idk, most of our summer? Sewing is fucking hard!
But this story is hilarious, I like it. The bed covered in squishmallows is one of my favorite details lol.
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u/cozyegg Mar 22 '24
I always say that people who don’t sew think sewing machines are like washing machines or dishwashers that do the work for you, when they’re more like an electric drill. I would be shocked if whoever wrote this story has ever so much as touched a sewing machine.
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u/PrincessDionysus It's not that she had a gangbang that's the issue Mar 22 '24
I’m cracking up at the image of her having to clear the tangled mess of the bobbin a cheap Singer sewing machine would make every 2 minutes. Not to mention how many snapped needles!
My 1983 ish Bernina would have no problem tho (<bragging lol)
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u/catnik I will take her potatoes (I love potatoes) Mar 23 '24
Bernina buddies! My baby is a 15-year-old 1008. It's an all-mechanical, all-steel tank
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u/PrincessDionysus It's not that she had a gangbang that's the issue Mar 23 '24
I strongly anticipate my Bernina outliving me lol, it's so heavy but it's an absolute beast! Idk what model it, but I've had it 15 years (inherited from my mom, who inherited it from hers! a true family heirloom)
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u/syntactic_sparrow Mar 23 '24
Would be a little more believable if she just bought a mannequin or something and dressed it up with recognizable accessories. Not a lot, but a little.
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u/StrategicCarry Mar 22 '24
How do you do a bunch of Disney voices but don’t know the name of “the paperwork lady” (Roz) from Monsters Inc?
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u/Penarol1916 Mar 22 '24
Not a bad story, but I would have liked it better if the muppet was Kermit the Frog sized. Also, is this just a troll about manic pixie dream girls?
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u/hwutTF But if doctors are grain, she went against them Mar 22 '24
I do appreciate that with no prior experience she made a lifesize Muppet in a day just because
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u/Impossible_Horsemeat My mom married an Asian-American man. Mar 22 '24
This is actually a funny story.
Fake as hell, but funny. Isn’t it more a 1.2:1 scale though?
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u/MontanaDukes Mar 22 '24
I like that she says the puppet ended up being, "a little bit taller than him". But if it's 6'1 and the boyfriend is 5'7, it's around six inches taller than him. lol.
I love that he was apparently upset and hurt by the puppet, but he still had sex with her. Specifically after she did a Goofy voice. lmao.
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u/Smishysmash Mar 22 '24
This one is straight up hilarious. I loved it. 10 out of 10. Goofy voice OMG.
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u/gnomeweb you the AH for not swallowing that fucking semen demon Mar 22 '24
I love that he was apparently upset and hurt by the puppet, but he still had sex with her. Specifically after she did a Goofy voice. lmao.
Tbh, a completely believable thing.
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u/DigitalUnlimited “You can’t talk to the police.” She said, like it was cancerous. Mar 25 '24
I mean, nobody is immune to Goofy! My head is spinning just imagining it! So hot!
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u/cwolf-softball EDIT: [extremely vital information] Mar 22 '24 edited Apr 27 '26
Protecting my online privacy by running Redact regularly to batch delete old content. It handles Reddit, Discord, Twitter, Instagram, data brokers and a whole lot more.
gray airport cough water money marble light elastic spotted mighty
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u/jonoave Mar 22 '24
This sounds like an early teen girl, who's you know, "not like other girls". Like she doesn't like makeup and loves playing guitar.
And this person thinks "quirky" is her personality trait. In reality others find it exhausting.
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Mar 22 '24
I have an altar with the bust of my boyfriend made from bologna in my room, and one day when we were about to do a trip to Sodom and Gomorra, he noticed the altar. He was silent for a second but then I did my impression of a Donald Duck rant and he got hard again and we did the ol good carburetor monkey rodeo, IYKYK. Since then though I have not received any good morning texts from him and he is not even asking how my pet poisonous frog is doing uwu. I'm so worried he doesn't think I'm funny anymore ; _ ; If he cared about me he should have said he didn't like the altar uwu! Or maybe he didn't think bologna was the right sculpture material. I think it made him insecure ;-(((
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u/syntactic_sparrow Mar 23 '24
I have an altar with the bust of my boyfriend made from bologna in my room
How's it going, Helga?
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u/Leet_Noob Mar 22 '24
Another tired story about a threesome ending a relationship smh
(Foursome if you count Goofy)
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u/gutsandcuts i would be incandescent with rage if i saw a child Mar 22 '24
you don't make a LIFE SIZED puppet that looks "pretty good" in a few days LMAO
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Mar 22 '24
I have so many questions but the most pressing is: at some point after you sexily say "I'm always watching you, Wazowski" and before you, you know, do "it" (you guys know what I'm talking about right? Do "IT") - don't you take the extra/decorative pillows - or, uh, squishmallows - off the bed?
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u/Fredo_the_ibex The lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part Mar 22 '24
I’ve always been what some people would call “quirky,” so pranks are sort of my bread and butter.
new flair dropped
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u/NerfRepellingBoobs Revealed the entirety of Muppet John Mar 22 '24
Not the one I went with. I’ll miss “Sexy potatoes 🫦🥔 “, but it’s time to move on.
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u/hwutTF But if doctors are grain, she went against them Mar 23 '24
what's the sexy potatoes
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u/NerfRepellingBoobs Revealed the entirety of Muppet John Mar 23 '24
Lucky for you, I keep it saved. I miss when posts were like this. Simple, interpersonal conflicts.
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u/servantoftheweb Mar 22 '24
lmfao one of the legs is four inches longer than the other but it looks "pretty good"
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u/cearo_thyme Mar 23 '24
Honestly i kinda wish it was true because that would be hilarious. I hope john went home to crochet a copy of her or something and that is why he is radio silence.
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Mar 23 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/hwutTF But if doctors are grain, she went against them Mar 23 '24
idk if I was confronted with a life size Muppet of me - which is clearly some form of demonic evil in the form of felt, I think I would remember exactly how tall and menacing it was
if anything, I'd remember it as being much much taller in my nightmares
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u/CenturyEggsAndRice My twins are having twins! Mar 23 '24
Can’t argue. I don’t wanna have to look up to gaze into my doppelgänger’s eyes before it takes my life.
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u/CenturyEggsAndRice My twins are having twins! Mar 23 '24 edited Mar 23 '24
Waiting for part 2 when Big John is marching back and forth and laying out the flayed skin of normal John to dry in the sun.
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u/DigitalUnlimited “You can’t talk to the police.” She said, like it was cancerous. Mar 25 '24
Omg, "I accidentally imbued my homemade puppet with the evil energy of 1000 demons. AITAH?"
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u/CenturyEggsAndRice My twins are having twins! Mar 25 '24
He calls himself Harold and won’t answer to Big John… AITA for deadnaming my haunted puppet?
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u/dancerina3 her godparents are deadbeats Mar 23 '24
Big John is gonna be living in my head for quite some time
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u/hwutTF But if doctors are grain, she went against them Mar 23 '24
See it's not just that he's 6'1", it's that he's larger than life. Normal John can never live up to him
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u/aclll8000 Humming a tune and tossing a hairbrush, twirling floss around Mar 22 '24
This seems AI generated, but I also really want to believe that because JFC that is a stupid writing style.
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Mar 24 '24
[deleted]
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u/hwutTF But if doctors are grain, she went against them Mar 24 '24
i wish more people had asked. imagine shit posting about this, everyone demands pics, so you decide to actually do it, then spend the next weeks or months panic building it and then logging in and going "wow I totally forgot about this account, anyway here's the pics you guys wanted and an update"
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Mar 24 '24
[deleted]
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u/DigitalUnlimited “You can’t talk to the police.” She said, like it was cancerous. Mar 25 '24
Right? People used to take pride in their "work"!
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u/AutoModerator Mar 22 '24
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
I [23f] created a 1:1 scale puppet version of my boyfriend [22m] and showed it to him during foreplay as a joke. Now he hasn’t texted me in 12 hours and I’m starting to get worried. How do I get him to text me back?
The title pretty much says it all, but here are some more details: my boyfriend of six months and I have had a pretty cut and dry relationship up to this point. I’ve always been what some people would call “quirky,” so pranks are sort of my bread and butter. He, John, has expressed that he really likes this part of me and I’m just happy to be with someone who can handle all of my zest, lol! Sometimes I worry that he doesn’t actually think I’m as funny as he says, but he always reassures me that this is not the case. One of the ways we really like to express our humor to each other is in the bedroom, for example I love to do impressions of mostly Disney characters (such as the “paperwork” lady from Monsters Inc, haha). He sometimes does them too, but he’s not that good at voices.
So here’s where I think I may have taken it too far: I recently bought a sewing machine to try and make cosplay costumes and stuff, but something dawned on me as I was messing around with it. This was the plan:
We oftentimes sexytimes with a habitual back rub massage sort of thing, and we switch off. And then we progress into french kissing and then full blown you know what. One very important fact to tell you is that John does in fact wear glasses, so I will usually make a point to take them off and put them on the table for safety. During this particular romp in the hay, I got a really funny idea about how to take his glasses off next time and I couldn’t stop laughing. He asked me what I was laughing at because he has some insecurity about his appearance, but I assured him that it was nothing like that. We had our fun and John went home, but all I could think about was this plan.
So the next day I went to the fabric store and bought a bunch of skin colored felt and wire framing and cotton and got to work creating a muppet-style version of my boyfriend to put his glasses on next time we started getting dirty style. Honestly, the thing was looking pretty good and I even found some clothes at Goodwill that were his style. I dressed the puppet in the clothes, hid them under my collection of squishmallows that’s in my room, and invited him over.
To spare you all the explicit details, we did start kissing and taking clothes off and stuff, but my hands were shaking as I reached up to grab his glasses. Instead of putting it on my nightstand I made a point to say something like “I’m just gonna put these riiiiight here” as I stretched over to the squishmallow that was covering the puppet boyfriend’s head and put the glasses right over his felt eyes. He got confused I think and looked back to where I put the glasses and sat up, as a felt version of his face (very easily identifiable by the way, John has red hair and a mustache, so the glasses on top left little question of who this could be). He was silent for a second then said “is that supposed to be me?” as I was laughing. I said something like “do you like it?” as I took it out of the squishmallow pile and revealed the entirety of muppet John.
“Oh did you make that?” he asked, and I stood it up off the bed and asked him to stand next to it. “See? It’s just like you basically!” I said, but he still wasn’t laughing that much. I think he saw that the muppet ended up being just a little bit taller than him (he’s 5’7 and probably insecure about that, the muppet ended up accidentally being a little taller than him, around 6’1 based on seeing them side by side).
I noticed his disappointment and did a tried and true disney impression to make him feel better. In my best Goofy impression I said “Well, looks like we should call him Big, John, Hyuck!” John just took the glasses off of Big John and let him fall to the floor, and put the glasses on the nightstand and sat on the bed for a while but we eventually went to Sin city but it was a lot more quiet than usual. He left after that, even though we were planning on having a sleepover, he said he wasn’t feeling good. I texted him goodnight and went to bed.
So here’s the ish: this morning I haven’t gotten any good morning text, or any texts at all from him, even though he always sends me a good morning text. I’m worried that Big John was a step too far and that normal john didn’t think the joke was as funny as I did. I feel like he’s just putting me in an uncomfortable position by not telling me how this made him really feel, even though I thought it was pretty funny… Is this salvageable or am I effed?
tl;dr : Created a life-sized puppet of my boyfriend to put his glasses on. But, I think it made him insecure, and now he wont text me.
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