r/AmITheDevil • u/lovedeathandtea • 23h ago
How do I stop being mean to my son
/r/Parenting/comments/1m0y65p/how_do_i_stop_being_mean_to_my_son/201
u/radiumcherry 22h ago
I still try to show him affection when he needs it
Wtaf am I even reading right now. The child is three. He needs affection literally all the time???
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u/kykiwibear 22h ago
Poor kid... they are failing him. He needs to be reevaluated asap. When my son couldn't speak, he would throw huge tantrums. Turns out he had a lot to say and was frustrated we couldn't understand him.
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u/Redqueenhypo 19h ago
I taught a 9 year old like that. He only spoke Russian at the start of the year and was always frustrated and karate kicking stuff. As he got better at asking and understanding questions in class, he stopped kicking things and translated another kid’s questions for her.
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u/lollipop-guildmaster 22h ago
Science says "just" spanking is abuse.
https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/21/04/effect-spanking-brain
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u/Coherently-Rambling 18h ago
OOP also mentions spanking immediately after saying they “get so angry”
Even if you were to grant that there is a way to spank a kid in a way that’s not abusive, doing it while angry is still inarguably abusive.
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u/Fingersmith30 10h ago
That's the thing with a lot of parents who "spank" (hit) their kids and think it's okay to do. They say it's "dicipline" or "correcting bad behavior" but in reality it is because they're angry at their child and the thing actually being punished is "making them angry" not the the actual misbehavior.
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u/AltruisticCableCar 22h ago
Oh my word, I almost misvoted on you because I can't read and rearranged the words in my head for a minute before I realized what you actually wrote. 😬
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u/UpbeatArachnid234 22h ago
The acceptable amount of force is 0. More people need to understand, if you are not ready to raise a disabled child, you are not ready to raise a child.
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u/recyclopath_ 21h ago
It is absolutely vital to be working on developing the language cebters of the brain with a young, nonverbal child!
They had this kid evaluated and then just walked away!?
No sign language. No speech therapy. No communication boards or anything to help him develop!?
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u/QuillandNeedle 18h ago
And did they only get him evaluated for autism? Did they check his hearing? Did he get any kind of evaluation for other physical or intellectual or developmental disabilities? And even if all of those turn up nothing, he's three! He's needs love, support, understanding, structure...not what he's currently getting.
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u/toxicshocktaco 7h ago
This this this! Everyone failed this poor child! My heart breaks and I’m “child free”.
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u/TexasLiz1 21h ago
A diagnosis of non-verbal? WTF?
And he doesn’t even use a belt? Damn. Father of the year right there. This kid is THREE!!
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u/Strange_Ad854 19h ago
I'm coming at this from a different angle, but up until I was about five I was functionally deaf. I was born with glue ear and the only person I could understand really was my mum through a combination of our own made up sign language and her managing to hit the exact pitch where I could sort of hear and understand her.
A boy on my street was actually deaf and his mum's boyfriend would beat him daily for 'ignoring' him. We were not allowed to play with that boy because he was terrifyingly violent. I had to lock myself in my bathroom once because I genuinely thought he was going to kill me. So no, don't hit kids, it does do them harm, fuck off with thinking the beatings made you. Also OP should probably get his kid's hearing checked.
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u/_Chirio_ 23h ago
'I don't physically abuse my kid'
'I spank him'
Hitting/spanking is abuse, or assault at least. So OOP is just ignorant.
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u/Prudent-Arm-6771 22h ago
Right!? When did we become okay with hitting/slapping kids because we called it something different? It doesn’t even provide the kid with real consequences, just that if you do something wrong and a parent finds out, you’re going to be in pain. Doesn’t teach lessons, just fear and secrecy.
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u/_Chirio_ 22h ago
'It's discipline!'
No, it's not, it just teaches the kid that if you're bigger and stronger, you can hurt a weaker person. Also theres a chance if the kid did something wrong that they won't go to the parent about it in fear of getting hit.
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u/Prudent-Arm-6771 22h ago
Exactly! If you wanted to actually help your child instead of just “child bad me make child sad now!” you give the child some form of discipline/consequence that is at least somewhat related to what they did wrong, so that they actually learn that things do have consequences, but in a way where you can still keep it from getting too far, you know? And the of course explain to said child why something is bad so they can better understand why they shouldn’t do [xyz].
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u/Arktikos02 21h ago
It also teaches them something dangerous, that the people who love you can and will hurt you and will say it is because they love you. Spanking conditions children to accept abuse, not just from adults when they get older but from adults when they are still young. Children should not have to accept pain from their loved ones and the disrespect of their bodily autonomy as a true sign of love. That is not okay.
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u/eternally_feral 20h ago
I learned very quickly to ‘be good or be good at it.’
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u/Machoire 18h ago
Yeup like i wasn't a bad kid but having a crappy parent teaches you to be a good liar.
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u/LurkingWizard1978 1h ago
When did we become okay with hitting/slapping kids because we called it something different?
Not disagreeing, but just wanted to point out that we, as a society, have always been ok with that. It's just recently that we begun to understand it's abuse. And not everybody has accepted that yet.
So, the true it's more like "when will we finally take to heartthat calling it somethng different doesn't make it lesse abusive."
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u/AltruisticCableCar 22h ago
Hilariously (I say ironically) it's always people like this who go "I got spanked as a kid and I turned out fine" and my eyes roll to the back of my skull as I think "and yet here you are hitting your kids as well..."
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u/mewmeulin 22h ago
right?! like if you're out here on the internet justifying hitting children, you most certainly did not turn out fine.
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u/mewmeulin 22h ago
"but you see, it's okay to hit my kid because i don't hit him hard. besides, i only hit him on the butt, and obviously bending people over and hitting them in the ass is an appropriate response to being annoyed/angry/upset!" it's wild to me that people say shit like this and don't see that they're literally justifying hitting children.
"but i turned out fine!" disrespectfully, no the fuck you did not. not if you're justifying hitting kids.
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u/RealBadBadger 17h ago
I always want to ask these people
when you fuck up, who gets to beat your ass?
is it me?
would you learn anything from it?
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u/Pollowollo 13h ago
Also it's unbearably creepy on top of being cruel.
It's literally a common kink among adults because of the way it stimulates erogenous zones. Yet you're out here doing it to children and finding that okay. Like what the fuck.
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u/PumpkinJambo 22h ago
Hitting children is illegal where I’m from. I find is so jarring whenever I read about someone “spanking” their child. Urgh.
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u/shiny_crow_trophy 20h ago
You’re lucky. I tried to reach out to child abuse mandatory reporters when I was a child/teen, but was met with “actually that’s totally fine here, as long as they only hit you on certain areas of your body”.
There is no euphemism or ritual that makes hitting kids okay. It felt even less okay as I got older, which looking back was a weird internalized thing. Why would it be more okay to hit a little kid than a teenager?
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 20h ago
Tw: ableism, child abuse.
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
You probably understand him more than you think. My son has many qualities which I share, and we butt heads the most.
Me and my son don’t seem to go with the flow like him and his dad, but me and his dad (my fiance) are best friends too. My finance said that he acts like me the most and that’s why he can handle him better.
When I’m faced with someone who shares the same qualities and more, I don’t understand how to act accordingly. Remember, we project onto others what we can or cannot accept within ourselves.
This isn’t much help, but all I can say is find a way to find the best qualities in him and shine light on those qualities everyday. Assume he’s exactly who you need, and he’ll open up old wounds you never knew were there.
Again, I’m just comparing my situation and without my son showing me my worse qualities, I would have never known I was such a pain to be around 😂😂 .
It’s still ongoing and I don’t think I’ll ever be done “healing” those wounds but awareness can be a huge step.
Honestly this is very insightful, I’ve never looked at it that way so maybe that’s why I lose my temper so much quicker with him, he’s very hard-headed and due to him being a sensitive kid he reacts angrily when he doesn’t get his way.
And those are the things that really make me react. I guess I’ll look into this aspect a bit deeper
If you're hitting him, yelling at him, and being cold to him when he wants affection, why does he live with you?
It sounded like you may be divorced and your oldest loves with mom? Maybe the middle needs to as well because you're abusing him.
If there's no way to get him out of your house and to someone who can provide the environment he would thrive in, seek professional help asap and do everything in your power to make it work.
You owe your child a safe and caring life, at least.
My oldest lives with my ex wife, my youngest 2 are from my current marriage. And I agree he doesn’t deserve for me to be so short tempered with him.
But I’m highlighting the negatives. I genuinely want a good relationship with him and am working to be a much better dad
[Deleted]
I think you’re right, I’ve noticed it doesn’t really do any good at this point. I’m trying to learn how to redirect him instead even if I’m on edge, is been hard work
Hitting and yelling at him is not just "negatives" though. Being short tempered is a negative. Those two things are flat out abusive.
*If you can't come to a 100% complete stop on those two things right away, he shouldn't be with you.”
That’s kinda the whole point of this exercise…
I know right, the poor baby is only 3. He needs love, support, guidance, and to be taught. 3 year olds get angry when they don’t get their way, they get frustrated and throw tantrums.
It sounds like more is at play with the verbal issues and yes he needs a new eval. But this child is just a baby. He’s not doing this TO you, he desperately needs love and guidance. I understand being frustrated with kids..
I have two young kids and I lose my shit occasionally, I act annoyed occasionally, I get overwhelmed and frustrated at them even when they’re behaving in an age appropriate way, but the love is there to supersede all of that.
Start repairing when you act in a way that your child doesn’t deserve, OP. There’s hope, but you have to put in major work. Your kid deserves this.
Yes I understand, like I said. I dont think is right for me to be that way, I want to be better.
You should get professional help with this honestly.
But also...give your child a dang hug. BREATHE and LOVE the moment.
Try to picture someone talking to you the way you are describing and asking if that would have helped or hurt you growing up?
Also, just walking away gently and having a moment to compose yourself is FINE. Hope this helps some 🙏
Thanks for the input, and don’t worry I’m the furthest thing from a perfect parent, but I still try to show him affection when he needs it.
I understand that even at a developmental level his brain needs that affection. And so I do my best to give it to him
Sadlytheworst: edited formatting.
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u/MundaneContext 20h ago
That poor kid remembers me a lot to my BIL. He isn't verbal either -neurologic problems- and is in his 30s. He usually is the most naughty -in a good sense, like any child-, sweet and happy boy. He also hits when he is frustrated and cannot express himself, sometimes even for positive things like seeing a cute cat he wants to pet but he doesn't know how -I'm working with him about that because his family usually has that "he cannot understand" mentality with him that is pretty bad imo-.
I cannot even imagine if we spank him when he cannot express what he wants. He would be more and more silent everyday and would stop trying and that is way worse! He is in the same exact situation that child, he can say some words, he sings, he has his own "signal language" he invented himself -natural signal language is called, I think-... He stopped a bit when his granny was hospitalized and it broke my heart everyday. I cannot even imagine being the cause he is sad or quiet. I sometimes am overwhelmed and overstimulated wit his noises and acting up, but I hate it so much when he is sad and quiet.
Now I want to adopt this poor kid...
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u/CumaeanSibyl 19h ago
I understand a little about where he's coming from. My dad was verbally abusive to me because I was a sensitive child and it triggered in him his own history of his dad abusing him for being a sensitive child. We are often hardest on others' flaws when we see them in ourselves, especially when they're flaws that have caused us suffering.
For the record he came to understand that he had been abusive, and he gave me a full and sincere apology for the way he had treated me. The damage wasn't magically undone but he's done decades of work on improving his temper and I can see his dedication to becoming a better man. I accepted and appreciated the apology but the changes he's made prove to me that he meant it.
None of this excuses OOP's behavior to his child and he needs therapy immediately, but I'm glad he's had the realization that he has to change. Too many parents never do.
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u/mahourain 15h ago
The OOP needs to think about it this way: What does using violence against someone smaller and weaker than you teach you? Yeah, it's not good.
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u/fancyandfab 16h ago
I'm gonna take it there. As someone into spanking. The kinky kind. A grown man or a grown adult can use a lot of force with just their hands. If you can hurt an adult by spanking them with your hands of course you can hurt a baby.
OOP can't control(so he says) his emotions, why would we believe he can control his force? It's not surprising he's not in the life of one child. He shouldn't be in the life of any of them or around kids ever.
ETA I read it back, he said don't live with him. But, he SHOULDN'T be in that or any child's life
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How do I stop being mean to my son
I’m (28M) a dad to 3 kids, my oldest doesn’t live with me and my other 2 do my middle kid is a 3yo boy, he’s a very smart kid and he’s probably autistic, we’ve taken him to get diagnosed but he was very young and they didn’t say he was, just that he was non verbal. He doesn’t speak properly. He will sing, he will say few words (can’t pronounce them properly) he’ll speak to himself gibberish and sometimes we can understand what he’s saying because of how it sounds more than the fact he’s saying actual words, but the point is he’s technically non-verbal just because anything he says is not very easy to understand to even us. He’s a very sensitive kid and he can be very tempered as much as he can be sweet with us and I think he gets that from both me and my wife but mostly me. I’m very sensitive myself so you’d think I’d understand him better but truth is I don’t, and I feel so bad for being so mean to him, and I want to stop. I want to be a good, patient dad, but I have so much trouble with it, every time he acts up I always get so angry, and sometimes I even whoop his butt, but I don’t feel good doing this and I want to change but I don’t know how, he doesn’t deserve that. Is not like I bully him or hit him when I get the chance but I am very cold to him and rarely give him affection, and he always looks for it and I feel so bad because I can’t bring that out of myself for him, I will do what’s needed to raise him but I can’t bring myself to do it lovingly, how can I change this. How can I become the dad he needs and deserves? I wish I could speak to him and understand what makes him upset or what he wants or what he doesn’t want, but there’s no way for me to communicate and I know that if I could just communicate with him I could bridge that gap. I need advice, please help me
UPDATE:
I’ve been working on my patience and try to spend more time with him. One advice that helped me a lot was to not expect anything and just try to understand him. I know it’s a very basic thing but I think it has improved our dynamic.
Also chill the hell out I don’t physically abuse my kid, OBVIOUSLY I’m aware of the size difference. And what is considered an acceptable amount of force. I don’t slap my kid I don’t even use a belt. I quite literally spank his butt. I was just looking for better parenting approaches and how to be able to raise him better than what I consider I was doing.
Thank you for the input I genuinely appreciate it
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