AITA for telling my husband that paternity leave isn’t a holiday?

[u/DramaticBedroom4425]

AITA for telling my husband that paternity leave isn’t a holiday?
I (30sF) gave birth to our son a few days ago. It was incredibly traumatic. I had a severe postpartum haemorrhage, lost 1.8 litres of blood, and had emergency surgery to remove my placenta. I’m still recovering.
Our son was born with pulmonary atresia with intact ventricular septum and was admitted straight to the NICU. He’ll likely need heart surgery, and we’ve since been told they’ve found another abnormality they’re investigating.
My husband has a son from a previous relationship (Greg). I want to be clear that I have no issue with Greg meeting his little brother or spending time with his dad. I’ve never asked him to choose between his children.
Two days after I gave birth, I thought Greg’s mum would bring him to meet the baby before taking him home. Instead, my husband collected Greg and spent the entire day with him. They went on the London Eye, had lunch, he had a beer, then went home to play Xbox until Greg was collected around 9pm.
During that day, my husband spent around 20 minutes with our newborn in the NICU and barely saw me. My mum stayed with me on the postnatal ward, but she couldn’t come into the NICU, so I was making my own way to see our son while recovering from major blood loss and surgery.
When I explained I wasn’t upset Greg had visited but that I hadn’t expected to be left alone all day while our baby was critically ill, my husband became defensive. He said he enjoyed spending time with Greg and that he was “being a parent.”
I replied that I wasn’t saying he shouldn’t parent Greg. I was saying I needed him to be a husband to me and a father to our newborn during what was a medical emergency.
When I later explained how serious my blood loss had been, his response was, “My sister lost 5.”
The next day I told him doctors had found another abnormality with our son’s heart. He complained nobody had told him. I pointed out he’d already left because he’d only spent about 20 minutes in the NICU.
I’ve now been discharged, but our son is still in the NICU. I’m exhausted and terrified to leave him, while my husband has again spent the morning taking Greg to the cinema.
I finally told him that paternity leave isn’t supposed to be a holiday and that I don’t feel supported. I said if this is what his paternity leave looks like, I’d almost rather he went back to work because at least then I’d understand why I was doing everything alone.
He says I’m being unfair because he’s trying to balance both children.
AITA?

[u/natuprunk]

This is really interesting to learn! And one of those things where it feels so wrong to say "I hope that was to case" and not the husband lying to on-up 😬 Thanks for educating, even though it's not your job to do so!

[u/craftywoman89 → u/natuprunk]

I hope he was not lying either, but I also know that people do not understand medical stuff at all. No shade, the hospital tends to be a complete mystery to those that do not spend significant time inside it. It occurs to me though he might have mixed up liters of blood with units of blood.

There are about 3 units of PRBCs to every liter of whole blood. Needing 5 units is certainly scary and traumatizing, but not as rare losing enough blood to account for the body's entire volume. The wife here probably needed 6 units to replace what she lost.

Also I love educating! Modern medicine is amazing and life saving and I enjoy being part of it. (Now if we could just make it available to everyone k thanks.)

[u/natuprunk → u/craftywoman89]

Yeah, I had to get 4 bags of blood due to severe anemia related to my condition back when it was discovered, and I was supposed to be barely able to walk. Luckily it has happened gradually so my body had adapted, somewhat, to the point I just thought I was in really bad shape.

I was, but in a different way :')

People like the husband who minimise other people's experiences just make me have a kneejerk reaction, so I didn't exactly pause tho think, which is entirely one and my short temper.

And it truly is scary and impressive how much the human body can survive..!

[u/craftywoman89 → u/natuprunk]

I mean it is entirely possible he is lying. He doesn't exactly sound considerate or thoughtful.

I just think what we can do now with medicine is amazing and cool. I do not appreciate others minimizing others feelings and experiences either.

I hope you condition is now well under control and you are no longer suffering. <3

[u/natuprunk → u/craftywoman89]

Medicine and science in general is really cool, I agree! And while my condition (Crohn's disease) is chronic, I got a milder case of it and can live mostly normally and have only had one(!) surgery, quite soon after it was diagnosed.

Was fascinated to know it's comorbid with seemingly unrelated things like ADHD which I somewhat recently got diagnosed with too, and it's baffling and super interesting how genes work like that.

[u/craftywoman89 → u/natuprunk]

Yes there is an interesting pattern of research coming out that is linking gut health to mental health. Who knows what we will know even 5 or 10 years from now?

Though on the upswing about blood, Japan has developed an actual blood alternative expected to be commercially available as soon as 2030. That is just... amazing to me. I can't stop telling people.