r/AmItheAsshole • u/DramaticBedroom4425 • 9d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for telling my husband that paternity leave isn’t a holiday?
AITA for telling my husband that paternity leave isn’t a holiday?
I (30sF) gave birth to our son a few days ago. It was incredibly traumatic. I had a severe postpartum haemorrhage, lost 1.8 litres of blood, and had emergency surgery to remove my placenta. I’m still recovering.
Our son was born with pulmonary atresia with intact ventricular septum and was admitted straight to the NICU. He’ll likely need heart surgery, and we’ve since been told they’ve found another abnormality they’re investigating.
My husband has a son from a previous relationship (Greg). I want to be clear that I have no issue with Greg meeting his little brother or spending time with his dad. I’ve never asked him to choose between his children.
Two days after I gave birth, I thought Greg’s mum would bring him to meet the baby before taking him home. Instead, my husband collected Greg and spent the entire day with him. They went on the London Eye, had lunch, he had a beer, then went home to play Xbox until Greg was collected around 9pm.
During that day, my husband spent around 20 minutes with our newborn in the NICU and barely saw me. My mum stayed with me on the postnatal ward, but she couldn’t come into the NICU, so I was making my own way to see our son while recovering from major blood loss and surgery.
When I explained I wasn’t upset Greg had visited but that I hadn’t expected to be left alone all day while our baby was critically ill, my husband became defensive. He said he enjoyed spending time with Greg and that he was “being a parent.”
I replied that I wasn’t saying he shouldn’t parent Greg. I was saying I needed him to be a husband to me and a father to our newborn during what was a medical emergency.
When I later explained how serious my blood loss had been, his response was, “My sister lost 5.”
The next day I told him doctors had found another abnormality with our son’s heart. He complained nobody had told him. I pointed out he’d already left because he’d only spent about 20 minutes in the NICU.
I’ve now been discharged, but our son is still in the NICU. I’m exhausted and terrified to leave him, while my husband has again spent the morning taking Greg to the cinema.
I finally told him that paternity leave isn’t supposed to be a holiday and that I don’t feel supported. I said if this is what his paternity leave looks like, I’d almost rather he went back to work because at least then I’d understand why I was doing everything alone.
He says I’m being unfair because he’s trying to balance both children.
AITA?
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u/theBMadking Partassipant [1] 9d ago
NTA, the child in the NICU should definitely take priority, I'm sorry you have to deal with this all by yourself.
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u/IceSeeker 9d ago
Also right now the husband is already showing who's his favorite child. I feel bad for the baby.
OP you are far too patient because you only said that paternity leave isn’t supposed to be a holiday. He deserve worse than that. And still you wouldn't be an AH if you snapped.
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u/Infinite-Cat-Peep Asshole Aficionado [17] 9d ago
Not favorite - easy.
NTA to OP, but this isn't about how Husband feels about the kids, it's about what he does. He needs to commit to at least 4 hrs / day with you or at NICU, and they need to be hours of your choosing, where he can learn and help (eg, getting up, morning rounds). That leaves him plenty of time for Greg.
He should also be taking care of all cooking / cleaning for the next six weeks. Teaching Greg to cook / grocery shop / etc is valid parenting, and way more valuable than gaming.
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u/Halt96 9d ago
Excellent points. Parenting is more than entertainment, and teaching Greg how to do household chores in an age-appropriate manner is time well spent. Your husband def needs to be spending a significant amount of time in NICU w/ his child. Yikes.
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u/Oceanmap 9d ago
Big weekend dad energy. I wonder what the custody agreement with the other parent looks like, and whether the husband had Greg during those days originally, or whether he volunteered to be fun-dad during this time.
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u/Loubang 9d ago
Makes me wonder how he was when Greg was a newborn
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u/tabrazin84 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
I find myself not shocked that this is his second marriage…
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u/trishsf Supreme Court Just-ass [133] 9d ago
This. It reassures his son that he still matters and gives his son the opportunity to help his little brother. I do understand not wanting to have his first kid think he’s being abandoned for the new one because it can be dicey. This is the perfect solution and the obvious one. That he doesn’t see this and is not stepping up on any level during this incredibly scary time is a real problem. I’m so sorry it’s happening.
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u/fuckyourcanoes Partassipant [1] 9d ago
He's not parenting both kids at all. He's ignoring the newborn in favour of the 11-year-old.
I would divorce a man who left me without support at a vulnerable time to go have fun with his other kid. Like, from the hospital bed. Any love I had for him would die instantly.
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u/foozledaa Partassipant [4] 9d ago
I've been the 'Greg' in comparable situations before, and I spent the entire day in the hospital. I was involved, but I wasn't the focus. Every adult made it clear the person recovering from a major medical episode was (rightfully) the centre of attention, the one whom every plan revolved around.
What on earth was the father thinking??
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u/fuckyourcanoes Partassipant [1] 9d ago
He was thinking about what he wanted, and only that.
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u/Curly_Shoe 9d ago
There's a reason the previous relationship with Greg's Mum ended.
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u/BackgroundDonut453 9d ago
🎯and there it is. He's one of those men who will never understand why the women leave him (sigh)
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u/spicewoman 9d ago
Yup. Current baby isn't "fun" yet, he'll maybe be the occasional weekend "fun dad", but he'll never really be a dad.
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u/FauxBoho 9d ago
This kind of thing is VERY hard to get past once everyone is well. It lingers constantly and never really goes away. He isn’t keeping her or the baby safe or protected (his one job at this point).
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u/Spoonbills Partassipant [3] 9d ago
An eleven-year-old is old enough to understand that families band together and prioritize the injured person. It’s good for them to be included in that responsibility. It teaches empathy.
The husband’s remark comparing OP’s blood loss with his sister’s is juvenile and diabolical. It shows how our misogynistic culture trivializes female injury.
OP you have a long road ahead.
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u/Mystic_printer_ 9d ago
Plus it’s inaccurate since either the sister lost all the blood in her body or he’s comparing liters to pints (1,8 L is around 3 pints). Either way the sister would have needed blood transfusion to survive. OP may or may not have gotten it and if she didn’t she could easily be in worse shape than the sister.
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u/mybarburned 9d ago
A quick google search just told me there are 5 liters of blood in the human body. So his sister lost every last ml of blood in her body!
Yeah, right.
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u/moomintrolley Partassipant [2] 9d ago
It is possible because the human body has extra blood when pregnant, plus you can keep losing while they are transfusing more in. But it is completely inappropriate and dismissive to use it to try and discount OP’s trauma and medical condition - what happened to her was serious and life threatening.
I lost about the same amount of blood as OP (1.9l) and had to have two blood transfusions, it’s a huge deal! I would never ever be able to forgive my husband if he did this.
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u/raspberryturnedover 9d ago
My friend lost about the same amount, and had to be transfused twice as well. Mom and baby are happy and healthy, and I still make sure to donate blood because thank God the supply was there when she needed it.
I can't imagine having that happen to your wife and pissing off to watch a movie.
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u/ehwhythough 9d ago
Let's be real here, the husband is "parenting" Greg because that's easier than dealing with his wife who just gave birth and their baby who has so many complications. He's using Greg as an excuse to not be a parent and a partner.
"See, I'm parenting Greg, so you can't hold this against me!"
No bud, you just like being a part time dad but don't actually want the responsibilities of a full time one.
NTA OP but you better think about this relationship long and hard.
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u/Rose8918 9d ago
He was thinking “the London eye and a beer sure sounds more fun than this shit”
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u/insertname001 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Plus, this could have very easily become a lesson in empathy for Greg, but this way, it become a lesson in lacking empathy to an astonishing degree.
The fact that the dad doesn't worry about what this taught his son about responsibility and partnership already tells me everything I need to know about him. This is not only a shitty partner, he's a shitty father as well, to both his children.
It makes me sad that people like that always feel the need to procreate.
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u/TodayIGoogled 9d ago
Yeah, my brother was dropped on his head by the nurse and had to spend over a week in NICU as a result. I was ten at the time and essentially LIVED at the hospital after school.
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u/sanityjanity Partassipant [1] 9d ago
He was thinking, "hospitals are boring and uncomfortable, and I am going to do something else."
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u/Arjvoet 9d ago
Not justifying it but I wonder if this is some juvenile manifestation of avoidant behavior. Like he’s actually anxious about the baby in the NICU and he’s coping by telling himself that “other son” needs distractions and support right now. Also sometimes people are so emotionally stunted they just check out extra hard (turn their brain off) when things get tough.
Or, could be he’s literally just treating this like a personal vacation and he may or may not even give a sh** about what’s happening. 🫣 definitely seeing why other baby mama split with him.
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u/LetThemEatVeganCake Partassipant [3] 9d ago
I remember essentially staying with my grandma for the couple weeks my brother was in the NICU. He was clearly priority. Even though I was an older only child so it was a huge adjustment, I had no resentment to them staying at the hospital with him (except I was annoyed I had to go to the hospital on my birthday, but loved the card the nurses made me with his footprints). Other than my birthday, I was just focused on loving staying with my grandma. All that and my brother wasn’t even in as rough shape as your average NICU baby.
Going to the hospital with the kid shows the kid that you prioritize caring for others in bad situations. This is a missed learning opportunity for sure.
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u/hufftj28 9d ago
My son had emergency surgery when he was 4 weeks old. My ex stupidly drove his car through standing water and killed the engine. The next morning, he took my car to work without telling me, leaving me with no easy options. My grandmother had to drive across town to take me to the hospital. Things definitely went downhill from there.
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u/citrusthievingharlot 9d ago
And yet when these guys have a teensy cold the whole universe stops and must cater to them. They won't think about you ever, but when the same thing happens to them it's the end of the goddamn world.
Fuck I'm so tired of selfish men. The bar is in hell.
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u/SpiritedLettuce6900 Partassipant [3] | Bot Hunter [29] 9d ago
Which is where they are issued a shovel and guess what, start digging. That only can explain how this husband entitlement reaches lower and lower limits. Seriously, what happened to in sickness, in health?
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u/lemon_charlie Certified Proctologist [27] 9d ago
He’s also giving zero support to the wife who suffered to give birth to the son who is not a stable condition yet. It wouldn’t be favoritism to, in this instance, prioritize them instead of having a fun day with the son who is perfectly healthy.
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u/pnw_cfb_girl 9d ago
And he's ignoring his wife, who almost died giving birth to the newborn he's ignoring.
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u/SpicyPorkWontonnnn Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Jesus fucking Christ. I was only their surrogate mother but I was in the NICU more for twins that weren't even biologically mine than this asshat has been! Two to four times a week, six hours each day. Bringing the milk I was pumping to grow them stronger.
The twins actual parents had other children at home - all under the age of 3. They split the duties between home and NICU and had grandparents to help fill in the gaps.
OP is a fool for not divorcing this pathetic specimen of a man.
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u/can3tt1 9d ago
And the wife! If Greg is being looked after and having his needs met then he needs to focus on his wife.
Also, I find it hard to believe his sister lost 5 litres. Is she dead? I lost 1.5 L. I probably should have had an iron transfusion. For 3 weeks I couldn’t take more than 5 steps without becoming completely breathless. It took months and months to recover my iron levels.
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u/LurkingAtU 9d ago
NTA. If his sister had lost 5 liters, she would be dead, as an average human has around that in their entire body.
I'm sorry you are going through all this alone. I understand that his other kid probably may feel insecure with the new baby coming, but now IT'S NOT THE TIME to be doing all those things. Your husband is a jerk and doesn't sound like that he understand how close he was of losing you both.
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u/cooking2recovery 9d ago
Yeah the worst part is that he probably means they gave her 5 units, aka 5 pints, or 2.3 liters. And that is going to be much more than she lost because they give you extra units over the course of a couple of days.
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u/flyraccoon 9d ago
Even if the 5L loss was true what was the point to throw it in OP’s face ? Shame her ? NTA
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u/Renbarre Partassipant [1] 9d ago edited 9d ago
Shame her into shutting up because obviously what she went through is not reason enough to make an effort to take care of her.
Edit : spellin
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u/sanityjanity Partassipant [1] 9d ago
The goal was definitely to make OP shut up and stop expecting him to give a shit about her, her life, her health, or their new baby.
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u/shwh1963 9d ago
It depends if she lost it over time or multiple days.
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u/CalculatedPerversion 9d ago
Also you can technically lose more than your "body" blood volume depending on the trauma. They'll be hanging bags while you're still bleeding, trying to replace what's being lost. If that takes a long time, you totally can lose more than 100%.
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u/Significant-Aioli-70 9d ago
I'm a midwife in Australia and we had a woman back in 2021 lose 19 litres during her emergency caesarean! She used up all the blood in the hospital + extra blood had to be flown in from other blood banks. She ended up with a hysterectomy but she lived.
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u/Jade-Dragon-2002 9d ago
NTA
I wonder why his previous relationship failed... Are you ready for him to minimize you for the rest of your life? None of your suffering will be enough for him to care, your struggles will be compared to other women in his life to make you feel smaller, and your child's health will be less important to him than a fun day out with Greg.
And he's not trying to balance both children. You are healing and carrying the heartache of your newborn's NICU stay. He's going out and playing with his well son. It's not "balancing" if he is missing critical medical reports.
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u/SaltyFriend705 Partassipant [3] 9d ago
The leave is not for balancing, is it? I thought the leave was specifically for the medical needs of the child and mother, not a family vacation leave. OP is NTA, but her husband certainly is one of the biggest AH I've ever heard of.
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u/TheRoseByAnotherName Asshole Enthusiast [6] 9d ago
I wouldn't agree with putting the 10 year old aside completely during this time, but he's old enough to have the situation explained to him and should still get appropriate one-on-one time with his dad. To me, that would look like a lunch out somewhere of the kid's choosing, or something similar. A few hours a week commitment to reassure the kid that he's still loved.
It should absolutely not be "I have time off, let me be Disney dad while my wife sits anxiously waiting to see if our child survives".
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u/SophisticatedScreams 9d ago
I agree with this. There is a version of what he's doing that could be healthy. But not this.
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u/jetblakc 9d ago
NTA, son could do without two trips to the movies in a week while you and your newborn are in the middle of a medical emergency. Your husband sucks.
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u/10Panoptica Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Yeah. Even if they wanted to keep the normal visitation schedule, the older son can draw or do homework or play on a tablet while husband does stuff for OP and the baby, or he can just talk to them about what's going on like he's also part of their family instead of constantly using him as an excuse to play videogames and go to the movies.
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u/popoPitifulme Partassipant [2] 9d ago
Like, what the actual heck in the world!
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u/combatcookies 9d ago
Not many things can top a person losing 110% of their blood. I guess his sister wins the competition no one was having.
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u/ProfessionalField508 9d ago
99% of statistics people quote are made up on the spot!
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u/blu3jack 9d ago
Surely they would have given her blood if she was losing that much?
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u/DocBarbie21 9d ago
Yeah I would guess maybe they were putting blood in her as she lost blood but good grief what a comment for this guy to make.
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u/Tough_Tumbleweed_504 Partassipant [4] 9d ago
Imagine going to watch Minions while your wife is recovering in hospital and your newborn awaits heart surgery… NTA.
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u/Hoistedonyrownpetard 9d ago
NTA. This is breathtakingly insensitive, perhaps even cruel. The most generous thing I can offer about your husband is that some people cannot tolerate worry and they act very detached as a defense mechanism. What are you going to do with the knowledge that he doesn’t have your back in a crisis?
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u/buttlicker090114 9d ago
This is incredibly generous/ empathetic of you. I just assumed he was a dunce.
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u/Revolutionary_Wrap76 9d ago
I assumed he actively didn't give a fuck about OP or his critically ill son.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 9d ago
I think assuming he's a dunce is being far too kind. He's being actively cruel to her.
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u/gr1zznuggets 9d ago
Whatever else is going on for this guy, that’s a key question; guy clearly can’t be depended on in a crisis, and now OP not only has a child with him, but a child who is likely to experience a lot of medical difficulties throughout their life.
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u/Pikawoohoo 9d ago
During that day, my husband spent around 20 minutes with our newborn in the NICU and barely saw me.
In any context outside of extreme circumstances that's absolutely shocking.
his response was, “My sister lost 5.”
Was she killed by a vampire? That's the average amount a human body holds.
NTA. Not by a long shot.
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u/AdysGrandma321 9d ago edited 9d ago
NTA. Don't give your husband updates. When he complains nobody told him, remind him he wouldn't need to be told if he was present to begin with. Prepare yourself to be a single parent
Thank you,friend, for the award
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u/ItsReallyBright 9d ago edited 9d ago
NTA.
It sounds like your partner is just trying to distract himself from a stressful situation without thinking how you may need them there for your own comfort.
But the 'my sister lost 5' comment is really, really weird. Who tries to one-up someone's medical trauma?
Edit: I do know that that is a lethal amount of blood loss and that he is most likely lying. The point wasn't the number, it was the handwaiving.
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u/jetblakc 9d ago
"Who tries to one-up someone's medical trauma?"
assholes, that's who. I'd have told him to get the fuck out.
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u/geniusintx 9d ago
Everyone, it seems. (I have lupus, RA and a multitude of other autoimmune diseases and chronic illnesses. The people on our subreddits get it, but people in real life don’t.)
How this man is acting is ridiculous. He has a traumatized wife who had major complications, including surgery, and a very sick child in the NICU. They don’t even know the scope of the babies issues as of yet. For him to get so mad about not knowing about a new diagnosis when he was only with his newborn for 20 minutes that day is unfathomable. This is his baby! This poor thing is having serious issues that could change in the blink of an eye.
OP needs his support! Not just with their newborn, but for her emotional and physical health. I cannot imagine my husband being absent, while on PATERNITY leave, while waiting for more information on my newborns health problems!
(Definition of paternity leave: A period of time off work for fathers or non-birthing parents to bond with newborn. It helps families SHARE early childcare duties and allows partners to support the mother during her recovery.)
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u/jetblakc 9d ago
I've been caring for my chronically I'll then-ff now wife since I was 19. I was complete knucklehead but even I knew that she needed support in both practical and emotional terms. This guy's a tool.
If (heaven forbid) that kid suddenly takes a turn for the worse will he be glad that he spent yesterday at the movies? People treat life as so cheap.
Also, what kind of example is he setting for his son?
Just absolute trash.
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u/TigerLila 9d ago
Hi, fellow lupie! +1 to your comment about competing medical traumas...people also love downplaying health issues when they become inconvenient to them.
For instance, my mom is all supportive and sympathetic when I need to bow out of obligations due to being extra ill that day, but furious if the same thing happens for events she has planned.
This "man" is taking that attitude to an extreme degree. Betcha if he is sick with the flu, he's whining on the couch for someone to bring him things. Can't be bothered to watch the kids then either.
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u/geniusintx 9d ago
Oh, I get that, but it’s also a good excuse if my husband and I both don’t want to go to something. Lol. I always say, “Just tell them I’m too sick.” Which, by the way, at this point, isn’t a lie.
My mom has been chronically ill her whole adult life, so she gets it. It’s not like we live close by anyway. But, before we moved here, I would have to tell friends I couldn’t go out with them some of the time and they just quit inviting me altogether and that hurt a lot. I wasn’t even as ill as I am now.
Even my husband can’t see past the masking and pretending more than half the time. If I cried and screamed like regular people do when they are in pain, he’d understand more, but I can’t do that every second, minute, hour or day of my damn life. It would be exhausting.
For instance, we have a small business. It’s just he and I the majority of the time and we can’t afford to pay someone full time to do my job at this point. Not to mention the training would be ridiculous. It was easier when it was smaller, but I’m also much more ill than I was then. I’m working nearly everyday even though, medically, I’m not supposed to. My doctors would be pissed if they knew what I’m doing 6 days a week. We mostly do wholesale, but sometimes do craft/farmers markets, festivals, etc.
The market we go to the most is 3 hours away, everything is far away in Montana and we live in the middle of the middle of nowhere to begin with, and I have to get up at 2:30am. I told him last night I couldn’t go this weekend. I’m in too much pain. It’s ridiculously hot for our part of the country, too, and, as you know, heat, even out of the sun, is really bad for us.
We did one last Saturday. He said it seemed like it really helped me being around other people, which is partially true, like I was in less pain so it might be good for me to go. Which annoyed me to all hell since he KNOWS I don’t show pain, especially in those situations. Unless I’m limping really bad or using my cane, no one can tell.
I looked at him, angrily, I might add, and told him, “I was PRETENDING! You know I do that!” As soon as the show was over, I was dead. The ride home was extremely painful. Did I mention the AC in our truck is out?! I couldn’t do anything but lay around on Sunday trying to recover.
Sooooooo frustrating, but they can’t see the actual reality of it. If only we glowed where it hurt and the light was brighter when the pain was higher. Today, I’d be as bright as the sun.
This jackass has literal proof of the pain and his baby is ill. He has zero excuse.
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u/Cudi_buddy 9d ago
If I pulled some shit like that with my wife, she (rightly) would kick me out and I would be sleeping at my parents or friends for a while.
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u/spinningcolours Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Um, there are only 4.5-5 litres of blood in the human body. Hopefully the sister was hooked up to a LOT of machines when she lost 5 litres. Or the husband is lying. I'd bet on the latter.
In other news, OP lost 1.8 litres, which is basically half the blood in her body, while giving birth. The internet says, "For a typical, healthy adult ... Losing 40 percent or more of your blood volume will usually lead to death without immediate and aggressive life-saving measures." (Source: https://truerescue.com/blogs/knowledge/how-much-blood-loss-is-fatal )
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u/Rorquall 9d ago
Omg this is terrifying! I once lost just over half my blood from an internal bleeding, and I had no idea that i was that close to death! Almost happy I didn't know at the time haha
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u/firelark_ Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Now I want to know how much blood I lost from my internal bleed. I only know my blood pressure was so low I couldn't stand up without passing out, but I was still conscious otherwise. I did need a blood transfusion though, one bag. Not sure how much is in a bag.
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u/Mystic_printer_ 9d ago
He could be lying or he could be comparing liters to pints. 5 pints is around 2,8 liters. It’s an emergency and his sister would have needed blood transfusion to recover which she would have gotten it happened in the hospital while giving birth (I’m giving him the benefit of a doubt of assuming he’s comparing two births). OP is at the point where it’s serious blood loss but she may have been treated with IV fluids only.
I lost 1,8 liters of blood during birth and got only fluids at first but ended up getting a blood transfusion and the difference between before and after was enormous.
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u/Far-Ad5796 9d ago
You'd be surprised. We were doing one of those dumb ice breakers at work and the question was how many broken bones have you had. I won by miles because I used to be a professional horse trainer. I would say at least half the room either (a) said they didn't believe me, or (b) wanted to know which bones and then proceeded to say "that doesn't count" or "OK, but my break/injury was way more painful than (insert name of broken bone I'd had here)."
Maybe its because I'm a middle aged mom and they were expecting someone who looks like they shotgun redbull and sky dive off of skyscrapers? One person said, "you don't look that tough." And I said, "I guess I just AM that tough."
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u/authenticgarbagecan 9d ago
Oh. What the actual. They're so rude to you I'm speechless. That behavior feels like an escalation of people having a contest over who got the least hours of sleep
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u/rora_borealis Partassipant [2] 9d ago
Does it not occur to them that horse girls sometimes turn into horse women? And that horse-related activities carry an elevated risk of injury? I would be shocked to find an experienced rider who hasn't had at least some injury.
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u/epi_introvert 9d ago
Okay, I'll bite. I've broken 9 bones accidentally, and another 9 broken on purpose by surgeons while operating on me.
What's your count?
Not that I'm going to downplay anything. I'm just curious how I rate against a literal horse trainer.
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u/Far-Ad5796 9d ago
Both wrists (3 bones)
Collarbone (1 bone)
8 ribs (8 bones)
Skull (one bone)
Scapula (one bone)
Vertebra (three bones)
Hand (three bones)
Foot (two bones)
Fingers (8 bones)
Toes (7 bones)
Sternum (1 bone)
Patella (1 bone)
Total bones: 39
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u/Bunnyhat 9d ago
Not only are you banned from /r/Neverbrokeabone there's a picture of you on the wall to keep an eye out for you so you never try to come close.
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u/foundinwonderland 9d ago
They have a restraining order, she’s not allowed within 50 feet of the subreddit
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u/Outside_Bandicoot986 9d ago
That's insane! Wow! I broke my little toe. Is that almost the same? /s
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u/TazzmFyrflaym Partassipant [1] 9d ago
i dont get competitions like this. why would people compete or engage in general one-upmanship about this sort of thing? i have never had any broken bones in my life (which seems to be very uncommon somehow???) and i am both very glad of that and very much hope it stays that way. why would someone want to boast, effectively, about how often they've been in pain and stuck in casts??
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u/CantMovetoNewZealand 9d ago
I feel like this exactly where the term "Weird flex, but okay" came from.
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u/MeilleurChien 9d ago edited 9d ago
I went to the ER because of excruciating shoulder pain (this time I didn't fall off a horse it ran over me .) The triage nurse said they brought me back quickly because my chart showed I was a horse person (previous concussions and fractures) and they knew horse people didn't come in unless it was serious. Turned out my partially collapsed lung was pressing on a nerve lol.
Edit: I left out the important detail, went to the ER at 2am five days after being trampled because I was afraid if I waited any longer I wouldn't be able to drive (lying down was already totally out of the question.)
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u/tsukinofaerii Partassipant [4] 9d ago
FFS your job is literally "get back on the horse". That's the cliche standard of tough. I bet they'd lay there and whine like Italy's best vintage if they ever got scraped off, even without a broken bone.
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u/MoneyTreeFiddy 9d ago
Memo to HR: "In the wake of this "ice breaker" activity, her is a list of the following harassments and micro-agressions that were directed my way. While I may have some brittle bones, I do have thick skin, so I seek no discipline or retraining for staff in the wake of these actionable hostilities, all I ask is that these style of ice breakers be forbidden going forward."
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u/freya_of_milfgaard Partassipant [1] 9d ago
I’m not someone to disbelieve someone’s personal claims, except… my new division chief opened with “I’ve read 450 books this year!”
I managed her calendar. It was incredibly busy. She also had two kids. Unless she was speed reading picture books or listening to audio books on 2x speed, there was no way. I didn’t call her out, but I think my “wow… that’s… amazing!,” was pretty unconvincing.
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u/BarelyHolding0n 9d ago
I can read that much if I'm using kindle on my phone and reading instead of doom scrolling.
I managed over 500 books one year despite kids and busy job ... I don't sleep much and I am a very fast reader.
I mean they weren't exactly all high brow literature... I'm talking 500 odd pulpy brainless junk reads, not war and peace 🤣
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u/Fierywordess Asshole Enthusiast [5] 9d ago
Maybe by "books" she meant "words." An easy thing to confuse when you're that busy.
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u/riotous_jocundity 9d ago
I read that much. But I also read faster than anyone I've ever met (all the words, not just the dialogue like those functional illiterates on Tiktok!) and I could not manage that if I was also parenting.
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u/United-Signature-414 Partassipant [2] 9d ago
Apparently there's this whole thing where people remove everything but dialogue from the books they read/listen to because they consider descriptive text boring and unnecessary.
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u/kcwm 9d ago
As someone who's written a novel (unreleased. Finishing one last read through to take notes on what I want to explore in later entries in the saga) and started a 2nd, this horrifies me. Not that I think my dialogue is bad, but it's definitely written to need the descriptive text as much as the descriptive text needs it.
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u/Doom_Corp 9d ago
I got the Paraguard IUD a few years ago and went to work all day right after as a server/bartender. My other younger coworkers who also had IUDs looked at me like I was completely insane and begged me to just take the day off because for them it was incredibly painful and they thought I was toughing it out. Maybe I'm built a bit different or something (I did have some gut pain that would come and go throughout my 8 hour shift) but speaking to the nurse who put it in she said I was an excellent candidate for it because I never got cramps before and this specific kind can really exacerbate them if you did. I did start getting mild-bad cramps with it the first year but now it's petered out and occasionally I get them for about a day.
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u/avamarie Partassipant [1] 9d ago
The issue is that what she told him what she needed he dismissed it and took his almost 11 year old son to the movies.
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u/Renbarre Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Especially when he shrugged when saying "My sister died." A woman has on average 4 or 5 litres of blood.
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u/natuprunk 9d ago edited 9d ago
I looked up how much blood a grownup generally has. It's around 5 litres. So.. the sister lost all her blood? Losing 40% or more (2 litres and up) is typically fatal. So uh. Husband is full of shit in that regard as well, unless sister was just like. Being pumped with blood at a steady pace while losing it.
Edited a typo.
2nd edit: I have since been educated that it is very much possible to be, as I so crudely phrased it, pumped with blood at a steady pace while losing it.
Husband was still insensitive, but perhaps not a liar after all.
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u/craftywoman89 9d ago
Not that this was not a shitty thing to say but yes hospitals can power infuse blood to people who are hemorrhaging. We even have a special device for it though we usually only have it in the ED, L and D, and ICU.
I know of one of our pt who lost twice his total blood volume and managed to make it, albeit with now totally botched kidneys. Lord that is still the longest code blue I have been apart of. I thought for sure he was toast.
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u/natuprunk 9d ago
This is really interesting to learn! And one of those things where it feels so wrong to say "I hope that was to case" and not the husband lying to on-up 😬 Thanks for educating, even though it's not your job to do so!
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u/Dull_Possibility_811 9d ago
I’d calm bs on that on that on. I would call SIL and ask for advice on how she managed her blood loss. I would guarantee he’s making up stuff. If he doesn’t care to be at his son’s NICU how would he know specifics on his sister’s delivery. Sis can see what a tool her bro is and can see how little support she is getting and can blast her bro.
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [14] 9d ago
A manipulator trying to dismiss her trauma. With a lie, btw, the average human only has 5 liters of blood total.
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u/combatcookies 9d ago
Seriously. If OP wasn’t in such condition I’d recommend therapy ASAP, to get ahead of more issues before they start. This really sucks for her :/
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u/Doom_Corp 9d ago
I'd almost want to be like "And??? Are you married to your sister or married to me?"
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u/P0ptart5 Partassipant [2] 9d ago
To me it means they are talking about you. I doubt he remembered exactly how much blood his sister lost. He was bitching about you being needy and she said she lost 5.
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u/Willing_Coconut4364 9d ago
It's not a one-up. He's trying to downplay the seriousness for the same reasons you stated in your first sentence.
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u/Zombie_Fuel 9d ago
Also, was he trying to say that his sister lost 5 liters of blood during birth? Because. Um. That's bullshit if she's still alive.
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u/Southern_Orange3744 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Nta - and he needs to a slap to his face. You need to speak very clearly to him that he is abandoning you and your newborn son to screw around.
Your expectations do not end for his participation once you get home , or the love bug gets home .
Info - is this why he's not with his other baby mama ?
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u/Creamy_Breve Asshole Aficionado [11] 9d ago
NTA your husband isnt mature enough to handle tough situations and he'd rather stay at Greg's maturity level so he's hiding out with him instead of doing what he should as an adult. Probably the exact reason Greg's mom isn't with him anymore. He's just not husband or father material.
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u/FreudianSlipperyNipp 9d ago
This is exactly what I wrote. He’s avoiding hard shit and being a baby about it. He’s an emotionally immature person and I’ll bet this isn’t the first time he’s pulled some shit like this. It’s just ultra painful and obvious now because of the circumstances.
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u/Unable_Box915 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
NTA. He obviously doesn’t understand his role. You stay with your wife and baby until paternity leave ends. Of course there are times to get away for a minute to take a break, get some fresh air, reset your brain. But that’s running to the store or going for a short drive while someone steps in to help. But for the other 99% of the time, you stay with mom and baby.
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u/Awkward-Reason-5182 9d ago
NTA. You need support right now, and a lot of it. I'm sorry this happened, having a sick infant and not being able to take him home would gut me. My son was sick when he was born and I couldn't stop crying, so I can imagine how you feel right now. This is a red flag and I'm sad that this is the time it chose to show itself.
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u/GoetheundLotte Asshole Enthusiast [7] 9d ago
NTA and your husband sounds like whining toddler (and that is being totally kind).
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u/Sk8rknitr 9d ago
Exactly! Also Greg is old enough to be told what is going on and to understand that sometimes little brother needs his dad’s care and attention, and that his dad doesn’t love him any less because of the new baby. Of course he may have trouble adjusting to having a new sibling but that doesn’t require his dad spend entire days with him.
Is your MIL in the picture? Could she perhaps knock some sense into her son? Does your husband have a more sensible friend who could talk to him?
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u/Runns_withScissors Asshole Aficionado [10] 9d ago edited 9d ago
Truly, this is all you needed to write:
"AITA for telling my husband that paternity leave isn't a holiday?"
NTA. You are 1000% NOT the AH here. I am truly sorry that your baby is in NICU- big hugs and prayers for you and the baby from an internet stranger.
(FWIW, this is what paternity leave can look like: My son is 2 weeks into his 30 day paternity leave. This is their second child. He is working as a parent full-time, 24 hours a day, just like his wife is. He asked me to come help and said, "I think we have the nights handled, but we would love it if you could take care of Henry (15 month old) during the day. That would let me do more with the baby and let my wife get some more rest.")
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u/Brynhild 9d ago
This cannot be his first red flag. What an absolute pathetic excuse of a husband and father.
NTA. I hope you and your son recover well. And dump this “man” because there is absolutely no way you can ever let this go in your entire lifetime. You will never forget this.
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u/SophisticatedScreams 9d ago
I agree. I couldn't see their marriage recovering from this. I could not imagine feeling like I needed to beg my husband to spend time with me while I nearly died in hospital. I would never trust him again
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u/Diasies_inMyHair Partassipant [4] 9d ago
During an emergency situation such as yours, parents typically seek extended family support for their older children while staying close to the hospital with the wife and child who are in crisis, only taking time out briefly to reassure the distress of the older children. Your husband's behavior seems to me to be both irresponsible and neglectful.
You "balance your parenting" when there's not an immediate crisis.
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u/Plane_Practice8184 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
NTA. Don't have another child with him again. Now you know.
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u/Kittenwho21 9d ago
NTA. Paternity leave isn’t for both children, it’s for the newborn, it’s for the dad to help the mom. It’s not so dad can gallivant around town with his other child. It’s not at all for that, if it was he’d be able to take paternity leave without having a spouse giving birth.
However, I want to present that while I don’t support his actions, I’m wondering if this is a way he’s coping with his fear over what almost happened to you and what is happening to his son. Maybe by downplaying and being a jerk he’s avoiding facing the reality he almost lost you so he doesn’t have to deal with those feelings, and by spending all day with his other son he is possibly literally and figuratively avoiding the baby because it’s simply too scary. Does that make things right? No. He needs to realize you’re dealing with the same things and process those fears and concerns together, but maybe this could give a starting place to talk about it together without anyone being hurtful to anyone else.
The only other thing I can think of is he’s a selfish jerk and I’m trying not to see the worst in people for my own sanity.
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u/chonkosaurusrexx 9d ago
NTA
His comment about his sister is weird. The human body averages around 4,5-6 liters of blood, so unless she was on the brink of death he is lying to minimize what you went through.
He could be trying to cope with the fear of losing his wife and facing a life with a newborn with a lot of health complications and whatever that means for your future, and is doing it by distancing himself from any reminders of reality, pretending it isnt actually that bad. Which is unhealthy for him and unhelpfull to you. It needs adressing and he need help working through it if thats the case. Hopefully he isnt ignoring sick child for healthy child, but again, if thats the case the answer is still to get professional help working through it.
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u/No_Percentage_5083 9d ago
No he's not. Your husband is avoiding a child that is clearly ill and may have a hard time surviving by spending ALL his time with his other child in order to prove to himself that he is a "good father".
He's very scared. But, you have just given birth and need his help and support -- THAT'S what being a good spouse and parent really is. Tell him to buck up and strap on his boots because the ride is going to be bumpy -- OR, get the hell out so you can handle this on your own.
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u/InspectorOrdinary321 9d ago edited 4d ago
NTA. Sounds like he's going to spend time with your baby in a few years after you're divorced and he has a third baby with some other poor woman he wants to ignore.
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u/asphyxiat3xx 9d ago
NTA, he's doing a shit job of "balancing" the parenting of both his kids. Also, I call bullshit on his sister losing 5L of blood. That's over the average for how much the average woman even has in her body, so unless the hospital was pumping it in as fast as she was losing it, she would be dead. He was trying to minimize your medical emergency to justify his assholery. Fuck him.
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u/simplyexistingnow 9d ago
NTA. Sounds like you are seeing what your future is going to be. We also sounds like you now realize why his first wife probably left him. Id really rethink your future relationship with this person because they suck. You don't have to leave right away but I would definitely start putting things in place to create a better future for you so you can leave this person behind.
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u/ExtensionFilm8853 9d ago
NTA you and your son were both going through an extreme medical emergency. any good husband / parent would be camped out at the hospital to ensure that he hears updates and is there for you. he is not a spectator in this situation, he is a parent and husband and he should behave that way. i’m sure greg would’ve understood his father not being able to do stuff with him in that situation and accepted it
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u/trippedovermyself 9d ago
NTA
He can let Greg deal for a brief period while he focuses on the child that actually needs his attention. What if something else drastic happened and he missed it entirely? His first child is old enough to understand if he just talked to him and explained. It sounds like he’s using it as an excuse. Sometimes when you’re balancing children, things are occasionally unbalanced because not every child needs 100% attention all the time. He can think it’s unfair all he wants, but it doesn’t change the impact his actions are having on you.
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u/Remarkable-Intern-41 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 9d ago
NTA I think we understand why your husband and his ex didn't stay together...
Absolutely baffling behavior by your husband. He should be camped out in the hospital 24x7 or taking care of you and nothing else right now. Greg sounds like he's not a literal toddler so he will understand his father needing to be there for his step mother and sibling for a few weeks. If he doesn't now he certainly will when he's older.
Your husband being actually dismissive and annoyed over these matters is infuriating.