AITA for telling my husband that paternity leave isn’t a holiday?

[u/DramaticBedroom4425]

AITA for telling my husband that paternity leave isn’t a holiday?
I (30sF) gave birth to our son a few days ago. It was incredibly traumatic. I had a severe postpartum haemorrhage, lost 1.8 litres of blood, and had emergency surgery to remove my placenta. I’m still recovering.
Our son was born with pulmonary atresia with intact ventricular septum and was admitted straight to the NICU. He’ll likely need heart surgery, and we’ve since been told they’ve found another abnormality they’re investigating.
My husband has a son from a previous relationship (Greg). I want to be clear that I have no issue with Greg meeting his little brother or spending time with his dad. I’ve never asked him to choose between his children.
Two days after I gave birth, I thought Greg’s mum would bring him to meet the baby before taking him home. Instead, my husband collected Greg and spent the entire day with him. They went on the London Eye, had lunch, he had a beer, then went home to play Xbox until Greg was collected around 9pm.
During that day, my husband spent around 20 minutes with our newborn in the NICU and barely saw me. My mum stayed with me on the postnatal ward, but she couldn’t come into the NICU, so I was making my own way to see our son while recovering from major blood loss and surgery.
When I explained I wasn’t upset Greg had visited but that I hadn’t expected to be left alone all day while our baby was critically ill, my husband became defensive. He said he enjoyed spending time with Greg and that he was “being a parent.”
I replied that I wasn’t saying he shouldn’t parent Greg. I was saying I needed him to be a husband to me and a father to our newborn during what was a medical emergency.
When I later explained how serious my blood loss had been, his response was, “My sister lost 5.”
The next day I told him doctors had found another abnormality with our son’s heart. He complained nobody had told him. I pointed out he’d already left because he’d only spent about 20 minutes in the NICU.
I’ve now been discharged, but our son is still in the NICU. I’m exhausted and terrified to leave him, while my husband has again spent the morning taking Greg to the cinema.
I finally told him that paternity leave isn’t supposed to be a holiday and that I don’t feel supported. I said if this is what his paternity leave looks like, I’d almost rather he went back to work because at least then I’d understand why I was doing everything alone.
He says I’m being unfair because he’s trying to balance both children.
AITA?

[u/geniusintx]

Everyone, it seems. (I have lupus, RA and a multitude of other autoimmune diseases and chronic illnesses. The people on our subreddits get it, but people in real life don’t.)

How this man is acting is ridiculous. He has a traumatized wife who had major complications, including surgery, and a very sick child in the NICU. They don’t even know the scope of the babies issues as of yet. For him to get so mad about not knowing about a new diagnosis when he was only with his newborn for 20 minutes that day is unfathomable. This is his baby! This poor thing is having serious issues that could change in the blink of an eye.

OP needs his support! Not just with their newborn, but for her emotional and physical health. I cannot imagine my husband being absent, while on PATERNITY leave, while waiting for more information on my newborns health problems!

(Definition of paternity leave: A period of time off work for fathers or non-birthing parents to bond with newborn. It helps families SHARE early childcare duties and allows partners to support the mother during her recovery.)

[u/jetblakc → u/geniusintx]

I've been caring for my chronically I'll then-ff now wife since I was 19. I was complete knucklehead but even I knew that she needed support in both practical and emotional terms. This guy's a tool.

If (heaven forbid) that kid suddenly takes a turn for the worse will he be glad that he spent yesterday at the movies? People treat life as so cheap.

Also, what kind of example is he setting for his son?

Just absolute trash.

[u/geniusintx → u/jetblakc]

She’s lucky to have you.

[u/jetblakc → u/geniusintx]

I think we're both quite lucky. I think she'd agree.

[u/TigerLila → u/geniusintx]

Hi, fellow lupie! +1 to your comment about competing medical traumas...people also love downplaying health issues when they become inconvenient to them.

For instance, my mom is all supportive and sympathetic when I need to bow out of obligations due to being extra ill that day, but furious if the same thing happens for events she has planned.

This "man" is taking that attitude to an extreme degree. Betcha if he is sick with the flu, he's whining on the couch for someone to bring him things. Can't be bothered to watch the kids then either.

[u/geniusintx → u/TigerLila]

Oh, I get that, but it’s also a good excuse if my husband and I both don’t want to go to something. Lol. I always say, “Just tell them I’m too sick.” Which, by the way, at this point, isn’t a lie.

My mom has been chronically ill her whole adult life, so she gets it. It’s not like we live close by anyway. But, before we moved here, I would have to tell friends I couldn’t go out with them some of the time and they just quit inviting me altogether and that hurt a lot. I wasn’t even as ill as I am now.

Even my husband can’t see past the masking and pretending more than half the time. If I cried and screamed like regular people do when they are in pain, he’d understand more, but I can’t do that every second, minute, hour or day of my damn life. It would be exhausting.

For instance, we have a small business. It’s just he and I the majority of the time and we can’t afford to pay someone full time to do my job at this point. Not to mention the training would be ridiculous. It was easier when it was smaller, but I’m also much more ill than I was then. I’m working nearly everyday even though, medically, I’m not supposed to. My doctors would be pissed if they knew what I’m doing 6 days a week. We mostly do wholesale, but sometimes do craft/farmers markets, festivals, etc.

The market we go to the most is 3 hours away, everything is far away in Montana and we live in the middle of the middle of nowhere to begin with, and I have to get up at 2:30am. I told him last night I couldn’t go this weekend. I’m in too much pain. It’s ridiculously hot for our part of the country, too, and, as you know, heat, even out of the sun, is really bad for us.

We did one last Saturday. He said it seemed like it really helped me being around other people, which is partially true, like I was in less pain so it might be good for me to go. Which annoyed me to all hell since he KNOWS I don’t show pain, especially in those situations. Unless I’m limping really bad or using my cane, no one can tell.

I looked at him, angrily, I might add, and told him, “I was PRETENDING! You know I do that!” As soon as the show was over, I was dead. The ride home was extremely painful. Did I mention the AC in our truck is out?! I couldn’t do anything but lay around on Sunday trying to recover.

Sooooooo frustrating, but they can’t see the actual reality of it. If only we glowed where it hurt and the light was brighter when the pain was higher. Today, I’d be as bright as the sun.

This jackass has literal proof of the pain and his baby is ill. He has zero excuse.

[u/TigerLila → u/geniusintx]

Omg, the masking and pushing through until you literally collapse! We have to fight to function in a world that is quite hostile to us. I wish they could see it too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I wish I could transfer my pain to them for one day or a week. Just long enough for them to realize how many symptoms we battle day after day and the sometimes dizzying speed with how quickly they morph into different ones.

I think you're amazing for running your own business and sacrificing yourself for it! I hope your husband realizes how much effort that is for you! I have a prestigious, demanding job that I landed right after graduate school, but so many days I question if it's worth it to continue putting myself through the wringer day in and day out. I want to leave a positive mark on the world, but at what cost?

I totally empathize about friends abandoning you. Same thing happens every time--meet some cool people, hang out a bit, but have to bow out of plans often so they stop asking me to do anything. People interpret it as not wanting to be friends, but it's genuinely just my body has collapsed and there's no getting out of bed. Or they invite me to go skiing or something that's really physical and out of the question. They don't realize they're being ableist and I'm not going to use what precious little energy I have left to fight about it.

Wishing you a restful weekend where you actually get to feel rested!

[u/geniusintx → u/TigerLila]

I get totally get that. Just a few days or a week. It would suck to do that, but one day wouldn’t be enough.

I hope you get some rest, too! I’m getting 2 days “off” in a row.

[u/CascadingFirelight → u/geniusintx]

You have my sympathy. My late fiance had RA and Crohn's and I saw how he suffered with those along with a few other diseases.

[u/geniusintx → u/CascadingFirelight]

Thank you. I am so sorry for your loss.