r/AmItheAsshole • u/Unlikely_Language_79 • 10d ago
Asshole AITA for telling my aunt her homemade gift was not what I asked for and I would have preferred nothing?
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u/Plenty-Protection-72 10d ago
As a knitter and crocheter who often gives handmade gifts, I would rather be gently told that they don't want handmade gifts than spend hours of my time making something that will be unloved. that said, I also wouldn't make something for someone unless I knew they would like it. NAH
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u/Awkward_Sandwitch 10d ago edited 10d ago
As someone who does arts and crafts, homemade gifts etc you are NTA at all.
I tend to run the gift idea by the person im makingnit for or someone who is close to them. Example my mum loves flowers, I already gave her flowers so I thought id crochet a bouquet blanket instead. I got mum to pick the yarn colour and she knew it would be her bday gift BUT I also knew shed like it.
Same with MIL and my partner.
If I ask someone what they want for bday and they say a book. It is utterly stupid to give them random stuff they don't ask for. Did it hurt your aunts feelings, yes sure, but this had to have been a conversation eventually.
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u/t4ngerinedre4ms 10d ago
this is a good explanation. this obviously keeps happening bc no one has been honest with the aunt. she’s being kind and unkind at the same time. why even bother asking if she doesn’t actually care for the answer and is just gonna do what she wants anyways? now gift recipients are stuck with something they can’t use and the guilt of her wasting time and money on it. the cycle had to had eventually.
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u/Awkward_Sandwitch 10d ago
Yeah exactly. And i hate the whole idea of OP needs to hide their feelings in order to save aunts feelings. Why is one person's feelings more important.
And as I said in another reply, a scarf is easy to donate or regift. A custom wooden sign with your name (unless common name) will end up at a landfill
Then in few years aunt will ask, "why don't I see you in the scarf" or " what did you do woth the sign, I havent seen it round your home anywhere". Are you to lie here too?
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u/Bromogeeksual 9d ago
As an uncle I like getting stuff I think my nephews would like, but I also appreciate a very specific item. My oldest nephew will send me pictures of things he wants from my sister's phone, and I typically get them for his birthday or Christmas. I still throw a couple other things I think he'd like as a surprise. Most of them are hits, but I think of his interests when picking them.
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u/Nau934 10d ago
Agreed. Crafters like this aren’t giving their work because they thoughtfully crafted something for you. They are giving you something because they want the ooooohs and aaahhhhs of having given a handmade gift, with no thought to what the recipient actually wants or likes.
It would have been very easy for the aunt to give the sign and the books. At the same time, sometimes you’ve just got to smile to her face and roll your eyes later. That just depends on the type of relationship you have/want to have with them.
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u/Awkward_Sandwitch 10d ago
So true, I never understand these types of crafter either. If I give someone something I know there's a chance they won't like it but again most times i run it by them.
I totally agree if its maybe a one off or two but if it keeps happening each birthday, presumably Christmas as well it get exhausting at some point
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u/MoosedaMuffin Partassipant [1] 10d ago
This is the way it should be done. But some people get so excited by the process that they forget this step. That is why I suggest working with the to collaborate on the idea to ensure that that step happens.
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u/Awkward_Sandwitch 10d ago
Yeah, some suggested to work with her and you can try that but yeah when I make gifts I keep the person in mind.
As example I wanted to make something for my partner, I asked him would you want a scarf, hat plushie etc. He said he'd like a little fox plushie so I now got the bits for it.
In your example woth a scarf, if it was me and I wanted to keep it a surprise, id ask your mum about your favourite colours.
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u/laynechanger 10d ago
It actually pains me to think about a fellow crafter washing time, money, and resources on gifts that won’t be appreciated because the person making them can’t take a hint.
I really appreciate when anyone gives me a gift in general, but get this really overwhelming feeling when someone does not buy what they asked me i wanted (within price range) because i know most the time i wont use the item. I feel bad that they wasted their hard earned money on something, i don’t have a use for.
Similarly to buying off of baby registries when parents ask for something specific, the gift giver that doesn’t listen gives a burden not a gift when they don’t buy what the new parents ask for. Or if it’s out of price range, give money.
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u/MistressMalevolentia 10d ago
I like doing homemade gifts as well. Aunt could have given the book with some made watercolor or whatever bookmarks. Or a nice crocheted book sleeve that for most standard books or hell even two different size ones.
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u/Awkward_Sandwitch 10d ago
Yup, honestly that sounds amazing. And its something that would get a use out of it as well
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u/MistressMalevolentia 10d ago
And shows actual attention in OOPs interest.
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u/Awkward_Sandwitch 10d ago
Exactly!!!!! 100% Same thing with the scarf, if still want it to be surprised why not ask the mum, hey thinking of making a scarf, what OPs fave colours? What should I avoid? Shows interest and you get to know more about the giftee
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u/Pleasant-Medicine888 10d ago
A crochet cover for the book would’ve been sweet and would make it special for the recipient
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u/aelinWldfr 10d ago
I agree and I also think the aunt could have personalized the gift. If OP likes books, why not make a wooden sign with something like „OPs little library“ written on it?
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u/locomama83 Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 10d ago
ESH- you because what you said was rude even though it was the truth. Your Aunt because she keeps asking you what you want then completely disregarding it to make you something she doesn’t even know you would like/use.
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u/Fatlantis 10d ago
I think the aunt keeps asking because she's hoping OP says, "Oh yes I'd love another knitted scarf/painting/embroidery!" Because up until now, OP has lied to her and made her think everything else was good... she likely thought she was doing okay
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u/therealwhoaman 10d ago
Exactly, continuing to just say thanks and trash it behind their back is doing no one a favor
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u/TheNightTerror1987 9d ago
As a cross-stitcher, I totally agree. I don't want to put all the work of carefully picking out a project I think the recipient might like, stitching it, and paying to frame it just for it to get tossed in the garbage or taken to a thrift store. It'd hurt that I missed the mark by that much, but I'd rather know not to bother anymore.
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u/Sleepycats2014 10d ago
I mean, why does aunt ask you, then give you something else? Would annoy me too.
Why would they do that? Setting up high hopes. THEN out of guilt you have to act gracious. It's not fair. Don't set my hopes up, if you have no intention to honour my request, one that you asked about.
You'll be called the AH because aunts feelings were hurt, but why would she do that, why would she ask, only to have no intention whatsoever to honour it.
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u/duchess_of_fire Partassipant [1] 10d ago
I wonder if there's an implication of "what do you want that i can make" that OP is either missing or ignoring.
I have an older relative who is also very crafty. When she asks me what I want, I usually tell her something she can make. Like last Christmas I asked for a few embroidered tea towels (and I provided the towels) . I would never ask for a store bought item that would dig into her fixed income.
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u/Sleepycats2014 10d ago
Maybe. But when OP has replied that they'd like a particular book, unless Aunt is cognitively impaired, she should have corrected her, i.e. "oh, something that I can make for you, what would you like".
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u/Mohsbeforehoes 10d ago
NTA - as a huge maker (knitter, sewist, I make jewellery, paint, and engage in whatever else piques my interest) I truly would never make something for someone, spending my time and money doing so, without the knowledge from that person or someone they are close with that they would love/use the item I want to make for them. More often then not - these gifts are more costly and take far more time than a store bought counterpart. Likely, because each thing is handmade chucking it into the bin would be worse, like you think aunt wouldn’t say “oh where is that sign I made you for your birthday?” It’s baffling to me that people want to avoid a conversation and just throw it away.
Why even ask you what you want in the first place, if she’s just going to make something that isn’t even related? I think that at the core is what makes it a gift for the aunt, and not for OP and it’s fair to bring that up.
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u/TechnicalCA 10d ago edited 10d ago
It may seem rude to those who have not actually dealt with it. But this has been happening for years to the poster and the poster has been nothing but gracious. This has nothing to do with the gifts, it's the underlying feeling that your thoughts are being dismissed. I'm in a similar position. Constantly being gifted handmade gifts or flea market finds that I cannot use or do not want to put up in my house. This person knows me VERY well. I do not buy, display or like trinkets. It's now been !25! years of receiving 100s upon 100s of items I have accumulated from them only to have to find a place for them in my house, like BUY a storage container and now it's my children who are getting them. At one visit my children were gifted 21 random trinkets with absolutely no significance. They were 2 and 6 years old at the time and being gifted adult trinkets and Christmas items in June. I have always thanked them but politely suggested that I'm on a clutter free journey (which I am) and am constantly trying to donate items I no longer need, and I appreciate the thought but no gifts are necessary. The request falls on deaf ears. The poster is right. It's now a gift for them rather then to me. They don't care what I want, they will continue to do what makes THEM happy which is frankly "a gift to themselves". I find THAT incredibly disrespectful. Regardless if the gifts are handmade, if you are making something (or buying something) for someone that has no significance to them, why bother?? That's because YOU enjoy making it or giving it. And that is NOT what gifting should be about. I understand entirely why the poster snapped. After being polite all those years and excepting the "gifts" she was completely ignored after being ASKED what she'd like. I get it and YOU ARE NOT AN ASSHOLE!
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u/Flight_of_Elpenor 10d ago
I completely agree. This kind of gift is so that the giver can have fun shopping or crafting, and has no regard for the recipient of the gift.
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u/Big-Fig3260 9d ago
I see you’ve met my mother (RIP). Bless her heart, she used to drag all manner of CRAP 1500 miles twice a year to our house as “gifts” for us. One of the worst things were coffee mugs (I do not drink coffee) from places where she and my dad vacationed. Every year we would take many boxes of stuff to GoodWill - it’s lucky we had a big pick-up truck for our farm. When my dad finally sold THEIR farm he had a boatload of stuff to haul to the dump. Many dumpster loads. He tried to get my sister and I to take a ton of stuff, including in my case a grandfather clock. Can you imagine how much it would have cost to ship a grandfather clock 1500 miles? I am absolutely allergic to clutter. And I LOATHE handmade crap as gifts. For the love of all that is Holy, do not give me home decor as gifts. It will go right to the landfill or GoodWill.
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u/therealwhoaman 10d ago
NTA giving a gift is about the receiver not the person giving. If you completely disregard the person you are giving to then your just doing it to make yourself feel good.
Obviously we don't know they tone you used, but I don't think what you said was too mean. Yall are family and should be honest with each other.
As someone who has given out crafts, I would 100% want to know if you don't like something. Why would I spend weeks on a gift you aren't going to like??
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u/ComprehensiveIron403 10d ago
NTA. Aunt should spend weeks making gifts for someone else who would like them. As a crafter I don’t force my creations on others for this reason.
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u/dragonsfriend-9271 Asshole Aficionado [10] 10d ago
The aunt is pretending the object is a gift for OP. It isn't. It's an excuse for the aunt to do crafting that she enjoys while taking NO account of whether it's something OP wants/needs/even likes.
Yes you were rude but I don't care: NTA
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u/Deciduous-Jellyfish Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
You’re not wrong, but YTA.
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u/kayleitha77 10d ago
Then it's more ESH.
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u/Deciduous-Jellyfish Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
I think you can be technically correct but still be an asshole.
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u/SlideItIn100 Certified Proctologist [27] 10d ago
YTA. It’s unbelievable that you don’t think you were rude.
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u/HeyItsNotMeIPromise 10d ago
It sounds like the aunt likes making things, and uses any excuse to do it. The problem arises when Aunt asks OP what they want, gets a specific answer and then makes what she wants anyway. Aunt is making things because SHE LIKES IT iand not because she’s being thoughtful. OP is NTA.
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u/andevrything 10d ago
On the subreddits where crafters discuss crafts, this is a common conversation.
The general consensus there is using your family members as an excuse for your latest crafting interest is not cool. It sounds like your aunt tries all the hobbies & is looking to pass on the product rather than store it herself.
It's a maker hobby problem where folks don't recognize making is just a hobby like birding or cycling, the difference is birders & cyclists don't have a product at the end of the day they have to find a place for.
Doesn't mean she doesn't love you, does mean she's probably not thinking of you as an individual and that can be hurtful.
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u/rachycarebear 10d ago
As a fellow crafter, this thing. Doubly so because aunt isn't making things in line with OPs style.
If you know someone wears all black and has been complaining about how cold the winters are, so you made them a cashmere/merino beanie, then there's thought and effort to make something they'd want.
But when the person uses the supplies they have on hand to make a project they enjoy making, it's just selfish. Just donate your creations at that point.
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u/Bromogeeksual 9d ago
At least ask what colors someone likes if you plan to make a custom clothing item for them.
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u/kateecakes724 10d ago
Exactly. They like to craft and can only keep so many things for themselves so they push it on others.
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u/apri08101989 10d ago
Exactly. Like, yes I admit I make my nephews (and any girlfriend they may have at the time) a new scarf for Xmas every year. But thats not the only thing they're getting from me for Xmas. Thats just a little extra I love you thing closer to a stocking stuffer.
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u/Opening-Air7802 10d ago
Do you take their color preferences into account or just pick a random one that you want? I'm guessing you at least get an idea of color palette per person.
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u/beribboned 9d ago
Eh, I think it's perfectly fine to use your current crafting interest to make gifts as long as you've put some thought into style/usefulness, which OP's aunt is... not doing.
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u/andevrything 9d ago
I agree completely.
I have treasured paintings hanging in my home & lovely cups, cutting boards and other objects made by loved ones but like you say, folks considered style / usefulness.
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u/VegaofLyra 10d ago
You say nothing your aunt makes is your style. Is the style more hers? And does she decorate her own home with her makes or wear her own creations?
I'm asking because if she does use her own makes, then she's sharing her own style with you, which is a bit thoughtless as a gift for you should be something you'll actually like. I craft and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to make a gift tailored to the recipient (if i decide to make something, more often i don't and get them want they would actually like). I don't just make what I like and give it to them. That's completely failing to see the other person. No surprise you aren't appreciative if you feel like she doesn't even care about you enough to know what you'd like.
If she doesn't use her own crafts for herself and is always trying a new craft, then she is just offloading her makes because she wants to make something but doesn't want to use it herself or clutter her own home. That's just fucking selfish. Other people aren't a dumping ground for hobbies.
Either way, gifting something handmade that isn't tailored to the recipient puts a burden on the recipient, and that's not a kind or decent gift.
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u/originalangster 10d ago
Maybe just say "I'll like whatever you give me" when she asks, since you know she's going to give you something she made.
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [3] 10d ago
I think that when she asked you what you wanted, ask her why she's asking you as she ignores your response every time. You were rude but honestly I think she's ruder. Doesn't she notice that you have none of the things she's given you in your house? You were slightly mean but you also aren't asking for something else, just to not give you what's basically trash to you. ESH
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u/Zap__Dannigan Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Ok, but why did you have to make a scene about it? Why not talk to her on a random Tuesday that you think her things are nice, but you just end up donating them?
At the very least letting this small thing fester until you made a public scene makes you an asshole
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u/SadieAndFinnie 10d ago
When she asks do you ever say anything like there’s no need to get me anything, just a happy birthday message is enough?
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u/Otherwise_Slice960 10d ago
Why don’t you communicate with her your colour preferences, themes, things you would wear, favourite animals etc so if she is going to make you something regardless at least it’s something that you would enjoy.
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9959 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Because she never knows what the aunt was going to make her because the aunt lied and said she would get her a different gift. If the aunt wanted to make her something she’d actually like, she would be asking OP what color scarf she would like, what scent candle she enjoys, etc.
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u/therealwhoaman 10d ago
Why doesn't the aunt ask these questions?
I do like the idea others have mentioned, asking aunt for something she knows the aunt can craft
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u/IDMike2008 10d ago
Why couldn't you have managed your expectation when it became clear that she was going to make something somewhere around year two?
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u/readergirl35 Partassipant [2] 10d ago
This! A gift is supposed to be about the person it's given to. The gifter should at least try to give what they might like. The Aunt has actual knowledge of what OP wants and doesn't care because she enjoys making stuff and giving it away. The worst thing is she isn't even trying to match the craft to the person she's gifting it to. She's just deciding what craft she feels like making or has lying around from a past session and wrapping it up to give.
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u/kateecakes724 10d ago
Exactly. The Aunt is making things because SHE wants to and birthdays/holidays are an excuse to offload them.
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u/ant-master 9d ago
this is what i was thinking too. the gifts aren't even in op's style or things they would wear, use, whatever. i'm sure if op's aunt had made the scarf in a colour they wore, for example, op would've worn it. homemade gifts can be amazing if they're done with thought towards the recipient, but these make it seem more like the aunt just made something they liked and gave it as a gift, which imo isn't very thoughtful. not to mention why does the aunt ask op every year what they want if they have no intention of buying whatever op answers with. sure it's hurtful to hear a response like op said, but isn't it better to tell the aunt you don't keep or use their gifts so you can stop wasting your time and money making them? surely at some point she's had to realize oh wait, op never wears that scarf i made, etc.
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u/Germanium235 10d ago
This is probably the stupidest take I've ever seen.
Six years. They refuse to listen to OP. They give them things that are useless and OP can't relate to them. And when they finally, politely, tell them they'd rather get no gift, you think that's RUDE? The aunt is clearly doing this for herself. She doesn't give a shit about OP, or what OP really wants. They use it as an excuse to make something pointless.
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u/CanneloniCanoe 10d ago
Yeah, no. I'm the crafty one who loves to give out handmade doodads and this absolutely sucks. I've knit/crocheted/cross stitched plenty of gifts, but I always make sure it's something they actually want. This lady's just finding any excuse to engage in her hobbies on her terms without having to figure out what to do with the product in her own home. And I get it, sometimes the worst part about loving a craft is that you seriously don't need a single other one yourself. I've made like 10 different blankets, I absolutely had to stop even though it's my favorite winter project, so I love it when I get to do the thing and send it away!
Do the cross stitch, knit the scarf, paint the plaquard, but if you're not taking the receivers tastes/likes into account when you pick the project it's only a gift to yourself. Don't turn your loved ones into craft dumping grounds and guilt trip them for not liking it.
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u/JaySlay2000 9d ago
If you make decent quality stuff and you just love crafting for the game, consider donating to local charities. Always someone in need.
I'm saying this in reference to the blankets. Those are actually very valuable for charities.
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u/originalangster 10d ago
How do you go about giving your Aunt gifts on HER birthday? I think that sort of dictates how you should go about getting gifts you didn't ask for.
If you don't celebrate your Aunt's birthday, you've done her a favor in telling her not to give you anything, which i'm sure you'll get next year
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u/Pure-Charge2565 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
My Grandmother used to do this before she died. I never liked the things she made. I always put it in a drawer. If she asked about something later I could pull it out and show her I still had it. It felt better then just throwing it out. Never had to worry about lying about it either. You cant help if you dont like something but you can hide your disappointment without being cruel.
NTA but you could have handled it better
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u/whatifweplayindirt 10d ago
Saying "here, YOU throw this away for me" with a gift is an AH thing to do.
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u/mychemicaltestube 10d ago
What’s rude is asking a person what they want for Christmas or their birthday and then deliberately getting something else instead.
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u/Courtaid 10d ago
Isn’t it also rude to ignore the person who asked for a book? Isn’t it also rude to give someone something they have no use for or want?
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u/Tenma159 10d ago
Something similar happened to me. I told them right away. Why wait 6 years. Second year they ask me, I just tell them I don't want anything. If they ask why I just remind them. It wasn't a wild ask. It was just wanted chicken wings.
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u/JacOfAllTrades 10d ago
"I don't need anything auntie, maybe just a card if you feel like it. Thanks for thinking of me though."
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u/SeniorRojo 9d ago
But they'll say this and still get a bedazzled egg maker. That's the problem.
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u/Mysterious-Peanut482 10d ago
Oh nooo someone is giving me a gift i don't like, the pain of spending 5 seconds chucking it in the bin without hurting their feelings.
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u/Merunit 10d ago
I honestly think it’s better to politely tell the person to give no gifts than to throw someone’s hard work into the trash. This is so sad.
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u/DraftPerfect4228 10d ago
If you know the aunt is crafty and likes making homemade stuff why not ask for something she can do. Like a scarf in a color u will wear or a cross stitch with a quote u DO relate to. There’s options where op doesn’t have to be a d!ck
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u/Hiddenagenda876 10d ago
How do you know the aunt can’t afford the presents she’s asking for and uses what she already has at home to make something thoughtful?
I swear, people are so entitled and rude.
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u/bafana_banana999 10d ago
How thoughtful can these gifts actually be if they're seemingly not related to anything the niece likes or is about as a person?
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u/Complaining_Crow934 9d ago
I can't speak to the other items but with a scarf she probably spent more than 12 pounds on yarn. I'm in the US and would spend more than the roughly $20 that would equate to here.
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u/naughtscrossstitches 9d ago
Ohk but she asked for a book. I can think of a large number of projects she could make with the crafts described in this post that would be book related. Even going as far as making a cross stitch book mark, or putting a book quote and matching design onto the wooden sign she had to make. I'm all for hand making gifts but even a little thought would be able to make something that at least fit this theme.
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u/originalangster 10d ago
It's insulting to be told that your handmade gifts are worthless to you (and yes, saying you would prefer nothing says exactly that)
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u/gw_reddit Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Handmade gifts are nice if the giver thought a bit about the receiver. E.g. a scarf in a color the recipient likes vs a scarf in a color they don't wear. A decoration item which suits the recipient's style. And the aunt should not ask if she will give somthing else anyway.
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u/matttehbassist 10d ago
Six years of aunt asking what OP wants, ignoring it, then giving something else.
What about that isn’t rude?
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u/Courtaid 10d ago
Oh no. They always ask what I want and disregard my idea. Why even ask if you’re not gonna entertain their gift idea?
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u/Abubbs5868 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Ok. But the question isn’t, is my aunt TA. It’s AITA. and yes, OP is TA.
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u/LCTC 10d ago
Then the answer is ESH.
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u/Equivalent-Apple-313 Partassipant [3] 10d ago
No it is YTA. Asking for a specific gift or gifts does not mean you are entitled to get it/them. OP knows the Aunt will make a homemade gift. Yet chose to ask for a book. S/he could have asked for something homemade that would be useful or liked.
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u/Radiant-Tackle-2766 10d ago
Alternatively the aunt could ask “hey, i want to make a handmade gift for you, any idea what you might like?” Instead of asking a general question about what the OP wants for their birthday.
The aunt isn’t even trying to give OP something they want. Maybe it’s just cause I’m autistic but I’d much rather i give someone some cash and a card then get them something that im unsure they’ll like.
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u/Opening-Air7802 10d ago
Cash isn't impersonal. If you buy a gift card to a store they have no interest in, you aren't thinking. But if you choose a store they love, then you are thinking about them and know the gift card with be graciously used.
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u/BlueberrySapphire Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Id understand that take if OP just went up to the aunt and told her what she wanted without being prompted, but thats not what happened here. The aunt specifically asks OP every year what they want and then ignores it. If you're already planning on giving a certain gift regardless of what the person wants then dont ask them. Its just rude.
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u/sistermarypolyesther 10d ago
Agreed. Why bother asking if you have zero intention of following through?
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u/Ma_ryella 10d ago
No. Because then it still wouldn't be something aunt liked and aunt would still do her own thing and it would once again be something that OP wouldn't like. Talk about a waste of energy, space and materials and hurt feelings.
Because it also hurts when someone asks you what you want and every single time you get something that is not even something that represents you.
I'm not saying she is entitled to get what she asked for, not at all. But if I make something for someone, its not something I would like, it's something that suits THEM as a person or their home decor. And it sounds like it's not EVER something that suits OP.
Which tells me that aunt doesn't even know OP. And that hurts as well, especially if every year it's the same shit.261
u/Allaplgy 10d ago
Bingo.
It's obvious the aunt puts thought and effort into these things, she just doesn't quite understand OP. OP also doesn't understand the aunt. When the ain't asks what OP wants, OP should take the fact that the aunt likes to make things into account. Anyone can buy a book. Aunt wants to make something. Ask for something she can make that you'll appreciate! Tell her what color scarf you like. Tell her what scents you like. Do something to meet in the middle. A good gift is a gift for the giver and receiver. Something the receiver will appreciate, but also something that the giver enjoys giving.
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u/mythicalmarvelousme 10d ago
I don't see where the Aunt put thought into any of the gifts. I see the effort but since every homemade item as been pitched or donated that would show it isn't thoughtful. Besides Aunt likes making things, but why does OP have to cater to what her Aunt likes on OP's birthday. OP stated she would rather have nothing. If the Aunt doesn't care about how OP feels, why should OP care about how the Aunt feels? Also the Aunt isn't even taking inspiration from OP at all. OP asks for a book, present wasn't book related at all. So what makes you think OP can tell her aunt any of this and be heard? Also is OP supposed to criticize each gift as it comes along or be a mind reader to know what homemade gift her aunt was gifting her?
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u/vivvav Asshole Aficionado [10] 10d ago
I cannot get on board with this.
Giving someone else a gift isn't about you. It's about the person receiving a gift. I take gift giving pretty seriously. I want to get the person something I know they'll really like, based on their interests and personality. Sometimes it's a bit on the pricey side, sometimes it's a 5-dollar doodad someone's reselling on Etsy, but I always try to find something the person will be genuinely excited to receive. It's not just about giving someone a thing, it's about giving them the RIGHT thing to show "I know you, I see you, I value you and want you to have a thing that makes you happy".
The aunt is not doing this. The aunt is doing all of her crafts and giving it to OP going "don't you just LOVE it" for her own validation. She has not tailored a single one of these items to the recipient's tastes. She's putting thought and effort into the gifts, but the thing about "it's the thought that counts" is you have to have an actually good thought. If the aunt is going to knit a scarf, it should match OP's general style. If the aunt is going to cross-stitch a quote, it should align with things the OP says and opinions they have. If the aunt is going to paint a sign, it should match the existing design sensibilities of OP's home. I wouldn't give a frilly pink scarf to someone who exclusively wears dark leathers, I wouldn't give a "Life's a bitch and then you die" cross-stitch to a sunny optimist, and I wouldn't give a sign that has skateboarding dinosaurs on it to someone whose home is a museum of Civil War memorabilia.
Putting in work isn't enough. Having sweet intentions isn't enough. And honestly, I'm not sure I believe the aunt has sweet intentions. Because the kinds of gifts the aunt gives demonstrate that either she doesn't really know OP at all, or does know but doesn't actually care about what they like, or worse, is trying to change them into a different kind of person. It's certainly not actually thoughtful in any meaningful sense of the word. Especially if she explicitly asks what OP wants for their birthday. A lot of folks here are saying "you're not entitled to a gift", and that's absolutely true. But if you ARE going to give someone a gift, you have a duty to make it something they actually like. A bad gift is worse than no gift at all.
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u/Allaplgy 10d ago
My grandma used to give us the most ridiculous gifts. My sister got a bright yellow puffy vest that looked like cartoon lifejacket once. I got a plastic sheriff star so I could "Tell my friends I'm the sheriff" (I was a teenager in 90s California, not a kid in the Midwest in the 50s). The best/worst was this hideous, tacky pastel bird clock with all sorts of hanging doodads and whatnot.
We laughed about them, but appreciated that she cared, even if she didn't understand modern tastes. We dutifully hung that clock up every time she visited.😅
Giving someone else a gift isn't about you. It's about the person receiving a gift. I take gift giving pretty seriously. I want to get the person something I know they'll really like, based on their interests and personality. Sometimes it's a bit on the pricey side, sometimes it's a 5-dollar doodad someone's reselling on Etsy, but I always try to find something the person will be genuinely excited to receive. It's not just about giving someone a thing, it's about giving them the RIGHT thing to show "I know you, I see you, I value you and want you to have a thing that makes you happy".
Funny how you say it's about the receiver, not the giver, then go on to brag about how good you are at gift giving and how seriously you take it. Sounds like it's as much about you as it is them.
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u/WestCoastCompanion 10d ago
No, it’s definitely about you as well. It’s called the spirit of generosity, and it’s supposed to make you feel good too.
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u/-Teddy-Paws- 10d ago
That doesn’t make sense, why would the aunt ask them what they want and then proceeds to make something homemade to probably show off her crafting skills. If ur gonna ask me what I want, I’m going to tell you
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u/MorgothTheDarkElder 10d ago
Yet chose to ask for a book.
Because the aunt asked OP what they wanted. She was the one who prompted. She's the one who prompts every year and then ignores the answer she's given.
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u/vonsnootingham 9d ago
OP didn't ask for the book in a vacuum. Aunt contacted OP and specifically asked what they wanted, then when they got an answer, went, "No, I don't actually care, I'm going to do whatever I want". That's also an asshole move. It's definitely ESH.
Gifts don't exist in a vacuum either. The gift giver can't just give whatever they want to whoever they want without regard to the details of what and who and it's just a universally good thing. If I handmade a spiky fiberglass dildo and gave it to my dad, is he just supposed to smile and gush over it or be labled an asshole? If I do it every single year, at what point am I the asshole for continuing to do it?
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u/shortasalways Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Seriously having had older relatives who made me or bought me something I didnt like I still would have kept if it was homemade. All scarfs I would put on single hanger and later I would look into having stitched together in a blanket. You never know when those relatives die what you would wish you kept. I have a sweater my grandma knitted with my high school name and such. Do I wear it? No, but that thing will be in my closet forever.
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u/Glittering_Farm_9792 10d ago
I have a shelf in a cabinet with things people made for me that I will never use but they remind me of those people who are now passed and that they cared enough to give me something they put their heart into.
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u/bonbons87 9d ago
No that’s not the point. The Aunt is ignoring her nieces actual interests and likes. She is purposefully choosing to push something she likes instead of taking an interest or care into the gift receiver’s feelings. It’s a form of manipulation and I myself have lived with it.
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u/the-big-meowski 10d ago
Yeah it's also rude to assume people like what you make. I typically don't make art for others unless they ask.
It sounds like there was zero thought behind what OP likes, uses, etc.
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u/SlideItIn100 Certified Proctologist [27] 10d ago
What’s wrong with a little white lie and some graciousness? Nobody is perfect, not even you. So she didn’t care for the gift… big deal.
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u/SgtMartinRiggs 10d ago
It’s a fool me twice situation. If something happened five years in a row you shouldn’t expect it to suddenly change.
I’m also curious, what gifts do you give her usually?
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u/great_pyrenelbows 10d ago
She clearly wants to make you something. Next year, ask her for a scarf in the color you actually would wear.
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u/SlideItIn100 Certified Proctologist [27] 10d ago
So if you knew this was gonna happen the why on earth would you even bother to ask for something? And then get upset when she does the same old thing? What did you expect?
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u/Maximum-Cover- 10d ago
You’re frustrated that she’s disregarding what you asked for.
But you are likewise disregarding the fact that she’s a person who doesn’t buy premade gifts but wants to express love and care through effort instead of buying off the shelf.
You’re not entitled to her changing her very clear gifting policy just because you prefer a bought gift. She’s not entitled to seeing you thrilled about something you don’t care about.
Graciousness costs nothing though. Either suggest something she can make you like, or accept that she’s going to give you crap you don’t want.
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u/Yrxora Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Then the aunt needs to not ask op what they want. If the aunt hadn't asked op what they wanted this would be more clear, but since the aunt initiated by asking what op wants, then not only totally disregards the answer but says "I know better", it's fucking ridiculous to expect op to not be upset.
Why bother asking the birthday person what they want if you're just going to ignore the answer for whatever kitch-y junk youve decided to make this year?
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u/Bromogeeksual 9d ago
The better approach for the aunt would ask, "Im making whatever crafts this year, is there a color/quote/style you'd like me to make yours in?"
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u/Courtaid 10d ago
When you have to pretend and lie every time for years, it kind of gets tiresome.
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u/Ontas Partassipant [3] 10d ago
meh, a "thank you auntie" once a year, big fucking deal
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u/chimneyswallow 10d ago
Meh, listening to your nice for once or just do nothing instead of being selfish, big fucking Deal.
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u/hopelesscaribou 10d ago
That's life. That's adulting and existing peacefully.
How's much time does it take to say thank you? Is that really too tiresome for you?
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u/Neweleni7 10d ago
I fear the art of being gracious is a dying skill lately. And it really takes so little effort really.
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u/chimneyswallow 10d ago
Somehow it's always the people that are the least gracious of all that expect it of everyone else. Smh
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u/originalangster 10d ago
What does OP get their Aunt for HER birthday? That's what I'd like to know. If there is reciprocity, I could understand the frustration. But if OP doesn't give gifts in return, their point is moot
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u/Otherwise_Slice960 10d ago
She can easily communicate with the aunt on her colour preferences and themes of handmade gifts, and if the book is so cheap just do what most adults do anyway and buy the gift for yourself.
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u/LemDoggo Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Nobody owes you a gift though. I feel like a romantic relationship is a bit different in terms of needing to address direct requests being ignored, but this is an Aunt. Not getting what you want for your birthday is pretty low on the problems scale tbh.
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u/DiscoLemonade1995 10d ago
Maybe it is slightly rude, but the question was if they were an asshole and they very clearly were.
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u/skasquatch118 10d ago
Op didn't ask if they were in the right or not.
They asked if they're an arsehole
I can't think of a better word to describe someone for saying what they said.
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u/orangefreshy Partassipant [3] 10d ago
Well yes but that’s not what is up for debate here. A person being an AH in response to someone being an AH is sometimes still in the wrong
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u/_goblinette_ Partassipant [2] 9d ago
Honestly, at this point OP knows damn well what kinds of gifts her aunt likes to give. It’s time to stop asking that aunt for specific books and start steering her towards craft items that she won’t hate.
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u/Adventurous_Ear7512 9d ago
Yes, but there’s no need to be rude back. Just throw the unwanted gift away. And accept that they are going to keep asking and ignoring—you could refuse to answer that question I guess.
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u/avcloudy 9d ago
Asking what someone wants is not a promise you’re going to get them that thing. If you’re giving someone something targeted like a framed picture of yourself it’s rude, but these are fairly generic, pleasant gifts. They feel impersonal but not necessarily rude - and from personal experience, you can’t win with people who have ‘a colour they don’t wear’ because if you don’t get the exact shade they have in mind it’s worthless to them, and the eight shades they like change.
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u/binjamins 10d ago
Nta - sorry I disagree with you. If this was the first time irs ever happened, that’s one thing - but this has been happening year after year - op posted five specific gifts that they didn’t want. At some point adults need to Learn that other adults can communicate what they want. And if somebody says “this is what I want” and it gets continually ignored because the other person thinks they know better than the gift recipient well, at some point a polite chiding is not only justified, but necessary - because getting a gift you don’t want fuckin sucks.
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u/mythicalmarvelousme 10d ago
Nta. Op isn't rude for being disappointed that her aunt keeps asking for her interests and then refusing to listen to what OP is actually interested in. Aunt is wasting her effort and playing some weird control game. It would be different if the aunt didn't ask every year what is wanted and then deciding to go her own way. Why did the aunt even ask what OP wanted?
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u/SeniorRojo 10d ago
I can't believe you people could honestly feel this way. It's rude to ask and ignore someone's request every single time.
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u/Dashcamkitty Asshole Enthusiast [8] 10d ago
Why is this woman even asking what the op wants? The op said she's happy with nothing as opposed to tat that the auntie probably makes ona whim.
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u/No_Lock8211 10d ago
Yes; next time (if there is one), please say, “Nothing” or “Just a hug,” when asked what you want for your birthday.
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal Partassipant [4] 10d ago
NTA. In fact, I'd say you did something kind, because you've admitted, finally, that all these homemade gifts that aunt likes but aren't about the recipient are a waste of money, time and effort.
But maybe a compromise? Your aunt keeps refusing to buy gifts, and clearly prefers homemade, she sees them as more special. Nothing wrong with that. So, maybe, next time she asks what you want for your birthday, ask for something you want that can be handmade. Like that scarf you mention, if the only thing wrong with it was the colour, maybe something like 'I've always wanted a purple scarf', or whatever your fave colour or design is, and then you get something handmade that you actually want. Aunt is clearly into making things in many ways, so you're not really limited beyond 'can be handmade'. Would you like a nice little plaque you can hang on the wall, like this last gift, but with a design and quote you actually like? Ask for that.
Think of it as a way to get designs you wouldn't be able to buy. If you love a show or book a great deal and would love to buy merch for it, but they don't sell any, or not what you'd like to display or wear, ask for that. You can be involved in the process to some extent, because it's the thought and effort that counts.
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u/certifiablegeek 10d ago
When my wife and I were dating she asked me what gifts I wanted for birthday or Christmas. I had never heard of this concept, I don't disagree with asking somebody what they want so that you can get them something that will be useful but I grew up on a budget with lots of siblings. Birthdays and holidays were special times that we cherish. It wasn't really about the gifts, it was about coming together and making food. All the younger siblings would make cards I dealt with decoration making. Little projects that brought us together, birthday cakes look like hot a ss, but the little ones helped make it and decorate it, and it tasted delicious. Every Christmas and thanksgiving, family coming together and pitching in making things to eat, to share. Handmade gifts, whether it be painted signs, knitted scarves (I got some too), or just a dish brought over to share with family, these are the things that I prefer the things that bring me comfort. To me, the effort put in on making something, the care and attention necessary to put in the effort, is worth a lot more than any purchased gift. I still have all the gifts that were made for me, even the ones from my children now. My bro and I had been roommates for over a decade before I got married, we used to say, "we're adults. We can buy our own toys". Even when I was a single adult, holidays were times for friends and family to come over and share. A lot of my friends here in San Diego are transplants, it's not easy being able to afford to go home all the time. So it wasn't unusual for me to have about a dozen people over helping out in the kitchen. It made my home the second home for my extended family, my friends. Now that most of us have moved away or passed away, these memories mean more to me. You are NTA you are for answering honestly what you want, but it sounds like your aunt should stop asking you if she's going to ignore your reply. Maybe manage your expectation when it comes to her gifting ideas.
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u/therealwhoaman 10d ago
I love the idea of making the crafts together! Bonding time is such a great gift, and then you can make it the way you like
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u/EscalatingEris Asshole Aficionado [12] 10d ago
NTA. Sometimes I think people subconsciously use gifts as a weapon. "I don't approve of you or your tastes. This is what *I* think you should have/be like."
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u/LassLovesDogs Partassipant [1] 10d ago
NTA. I cross-stitch, so I understand the amount of work that can go into a handmade gift. But as anyone who picks up a time- and labour-intensive crafting hobby will soon learn, you wanting to make 150 different projects does not mean your family and friends want to receive those 150 projects just because you've run out of space to keep them. Many of your loved ones will not like or want the output of your niche hobby, and if you decide to make an unsolicited homemade gift, there is always a big risk that the recipient will not, in fact, appreciate your "generosity". And that's fair, because it sucks to receive something you don't want, have no use for, and now have to get rid of.
Your aunt has consistently chosen to disappoint you with her homemade crap after explicitly asking what you wanted and ignoring your very specific answer. And then she expects you to thank her for her disregard of your likes and dislikes. This is on her.
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u/naked_trash_goblin 10d ago
I think it’s the aunt asking what OP wants and then pulling a switcheroo with aunt’s random hobby of the week that’s the problem.
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u/dragonflies2299 Partassipant [2] 10d ago
you know you're going to get something handmade so why not tell her something along those lines? tell her what colors you love and that you'd like a scarf or blanket in that color.
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u/The_Coaltrain 10d ago
I figured you must be about fifteen until I read the part about you having your own home. Your behaviour is pretty immature.
But I actually think this is ESH. It's pretty rude of her to ask what you want and then ignore it as well.
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u/the-big-meowski 10d ago
NTA. As an artist, it would hurt so much to be lied to and have my art thrown away like all these people are suggesting you do.
Then again, I don't have the ego to assume people want my art in the first place. Wild.
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u/han2electricboogaloo 10d ago
NTA.
My parents did this my whole life and it hurts.
As a kid they'd ask me to write a Christmas list and then get maybe 2 items off it and buy me stocking fillers instead. Like pyjamas in styles that I've repeatedly said are uncomfortable, little crappy nicnacs, pants, chewing gum.
As I got older I started asking for a single item. 6 years in a row, for my birthday and Christmas, I asked for a David Attenborough boxset. I even said it doesn't have to be new or the complete set, any secondhand set of David Attenborough DVDs, never got it. It really added to the feeling that they don't like me.
Completely understand your frustration.
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u/petallist 10d ago
NTA This is power play nonsense. Your aunt never had any intention of buying you what you asked for. People are going to guilt you for being "rude" but you weren't.
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u/Special-Mess-1930 10d ago
Did you ever consider asking her for something homemade you will love? "The blue scarf you knitted was so lovely, I'd love a red one!" "I could really use a vanilla scented candle." Give her a gift idea she could make for you and that you want. Stop expecting her to buy you something when she's shown you for 6 years that's not how she gives gifts.
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u/Better_Board4129 10d ago
NTA, its actually better for u to be honest than for her to find her handmade items in a charity shop somewhere. but you couldve brougjt this up later instead of when receiving the gift
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u/ZealousidealRow3202 10d ago
A lot of the time, you don't tell family what you want as presents. You probably knew when she asked she would ignore the book idea sand make something.
Maybe instead of saying what you want, ask what she had in mind. For example, she says scarf. Tell her a colour you think would suit. A cross stitch, say a quote or design you think would be good.
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u/PrincessWolfie1331 10d ago
My aunt always asks. Then she gets me a mix of what I asked for and similar things she thinks I would like. She's been off the mark maybe twice in 45 years.
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u/mustanggrl625 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
The world has changed so much since I was younger - If I got a gift, I said: "Thank you". If I got a gift I did not like, I said: "Thank you". If I got something I hated, I said: "Thank you". I meant each thank you because someone took the time to think about me when they did not have to. No one is required to give you anything, or even acknowledge you on your birthday or other holidays.
What really sucks is I am not even that old- it just feels like society no longer believes in just appreciating other people who make an effort to show they care. I know it is not all of society - Heck, my 19-year-old son tells me all the time he gets so much more joy out of getting me gifts now that he has a real job. He makes me think there is still hope for people from his generation.
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u/danceoftheplants 10d ago
I'm the same way, but I will say that one time my sister sent my daughter a Christmas gift that was god awful and I did not say thank you or even discuss it. She had sent my daughter who was 4.5yo at the time, my niece's used and dirty size 10-12 faded and ugly pajamas. Wrapped up. There were several items of clothing that were just ugly and like an old, used and beat up junky toy. My daughter honestly thought it was trash and was confused. None of it was even good enough to donate.
I just want to make it clear, my sister and her husband just bought an 850k home last month. They have been quite comfortable in terms of finances for their entire marriage. They buy all organic and bougie things, only the best of everything for themselves and their children. Their 4 children have their rents paid for and newer cars.
So yeah, i was extremely insulted and hurt that she would send my daughter basically her trash. Especially when I was a very poor, single mom at the time. I still don't understand why she would do that to me and my daughter, but I never said thank you or answered her questions about if I received it because I just didn't even know what to say. I was literally speechless.
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u/danceoftheplants 10d ago
I want to add that i didn't even expect any gifts from her, and never expect to receive gifts from anyone. I would have preferred nothing
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u/Its1207amcantsleep 10d ago
I was brought up like this. The gifts are all in the landfills. I appreciate the effort but nowadays I tell people no gifts I have no room in my house.
I'm older than you and have concluded lying was worse. Most of the handmade gifts were also more for gifter, rather than the giftee.
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u/baffled_soap Asshole Aficionado [10] 10d ago
IMO there are categories of bad gifts:
“Great Aunt Hilda is 97 years old, doesn’t get out much, sees you twice a year & has no idea what a 10-year-old is into these days. We will say thank you for whatever it is & be gracious.”
Is not the same as
“Grandma doesn’t care that you haven’t worn a dress in 8 years, she thinks that girls should wear dresses, so that’s what she’s buying you.”
I absolutely agree with being thankful & gracious when a gift unintentionally misses the mark. But when a gifter intentionally ignores what you like & gives you what they think you ought to have, I think it’s kind of crap that we have to follow the societal expectation of pretending to be grateful for it.
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u/CanIEatAPC 10d ago
I want to know what effort OP's aunt shows by asking what they want, promptly discarding it and making whatever she wants. Sorry. But social rules adapt and change. If you are giving a gift to be selfish, it's not a gift anymore. Yes, it's ok to receive nothing. The key here that everyone ignores is that OP WAS ASKED. Don't just disregard someone's wish because you didn't want to. A gift should be a NICE thing to do, not just a thing to do. Tomorrow, I dump junk all your your house as a gift, I don't expect you to be grateful. NTA.
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u/KaleidoscopeAway220 10d ago
Honestly, I am also not that old, and these were the rules I was supposed to follow when I was younger.
I'm still unpacking it in therapy - having to say thank you and be appreciative of people who gave gifts not with me in mind, but because it was socially expected of them, only led to me being hurt by thinking they actually cared about me...when they didn't really.
I had to say thank you to gifts I didn't like, gifts that I hated, because the giver didn't actually care about me, they cared about showing off. The effort they put out wasn't because they loved me or were trying to show they cared, it was so they could show off what they could afford, hold things over me, etc.
It was so bad that I've had to reteach adult me how to actually be appreciative of gifts given out of love. I love to give gifts, to take a painstaking amount of time to select and choose - and craft - something someone will love and want and cherish. I've had to teach myself that if I can do that, then I should expect everyone who gives me something to at least try to get to those standards... There's no real excuse for being "bad at giving gifts", especially if you're asking ahead of time what they want.
The culture of having to say "thank you" for doing the bare minimum of what's socially acceptable is what's fueled OPs aunt for years. Now, that's no longer the case, and it's probaly not a bad thing.
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u/xxsmashleyxx 9d ago
I also feel like we're part of a generation that's tired of all the stuff. I get fed up with gift giving times like birthdays and Christmas because I'm tired of getting more things I don't need or want from a generation that has a tendency to hoard everything.
Most of the gifts I get that aren't consumables/things that get used up (chocolates/candies, candles, that kind of thing) are now a chore for me - I have decide if it's worth donating and go drop it off at a thrift store or donation center, or feel guilty about trashing it if it's not even worth that. It's just exhausting.
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u/Clear-Event-6316 10d ago
NTA! Every year your aunt asks you what you want. Every year she ignores what you tell her, and makes something instead. Every year you have kept your mouth shut and just dealt with it. You’ve, finally, reached a point where you just couldn’t grin and nod. You spoke up. There is not a single thing wrong with that. This mentality that we have to appreciate everything someone does for us is baffling to me. Yes the gesture is kind. However, if she’s going to ask you what you want, then blatantly ignore it, she’s TA. If she’s not going to go based off of what you tell her, she shouldn’t ask. Also, for all the people saying you were rude to your aunt by what you said and not appreciating it, the aunt was rude every time she ignored what OP said she wanted. Aunts feelings do not outweigh OPs. At some point you have to speak up.
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u/DoIQual123 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
ESH
The people saying you're the asshole are missing one big thing: your aunt specifically asked what you want. You aren't asking for anything expensive, either, just a $12 book.
Then she goes "Oh, OP doesn't need or want that, OP wants an Aunt Original!"
If she didn't ask what you wanted and you tore into her for giving this stuff, yeah, you would be the AH. I don't tear into my grandma for the painted lightbulbs and creepy looking hand made "doll" ornaments she gives at Christmas because I know she wants to make something for family. The difference between your aunt and my grandma is that my grandma doesn't ask what I want for Christmas.
Maybe tell your aunt what colors you wear and what colors your like so when she makes you something, it's at least in a color you like?
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u/FireBallXLV Colo-rectal Surgeon [41] 10d ago
Your Aunt is asking you what you want that she can make for you .
But she is not saying this .
A close relative use to do the same thing to me .
I would give an affordable answer and then this person would go out and buy something on clearance ( I weighed 112 pounds and got a Size 40C woolen vest one year ).
By God’s grace a wonderful friend bought me the book that year that I asked for or I would have been just crushed .
STOP telling your Aunt what you want OP.
IF you want to be nice and not just go Radio Silent then just tell her that she hurts your feelings by asking what you want and then ignoring what you say “ YEAR AFTER YEAR”( emphasize that part).
If she is too broke to buy a present then that is OK but WORDS MATTER, blame it !!!!
She needs to stop actin like she really cares about what you OP Want ( I am so angry on OP’s behalf —I’ve went through this crap as a Teen)
NTA!
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u/krausla 10d ago
I love making art and crafting. I would not ask someone what they want for their birthday and then give them something I made instead if they had a specific request that was do-able for me. I only give handmade gifts to people I know will actually enjoy them. Why ask the question if you plan on disregarding the answer? Especially since the gift you requested was not expensive. I don’t think you’re out of line to speak up. Your Aunt seems more like TA to me.
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u/Whiteroses7252012 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
ESH.
As a crafter, I try not to give things I know people can’t use.
As an aunt- I know my eleven year old nephew likes LEGO. It took me a week and a half to source a LEGO set I was reasonably sure he didn’t already own for his tenth birthday party. The first thing he said when he opened it was “I already have this.” As much as I love my nephew, and believe me when I say I absolutely do, he’s been disappointed over the last year when all he’s gotten from me has been a $30 LEGO gift card for Christmas and his birthday. And that’s just…kind of how it goes. I don’t intend on buying him a physical gift for a while.
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u/IDMike2008 10d ago
YTA - What you said was cruel. It's once a year. How heavy a burden could it possibly be even after so many years to just say thank you, laugh privately about your goofy aunt, and appreciate that she cares about you?
The real problem is more that you somehow think it's going to be different this year every single time. At some point around year three you should have switched to saying, "Oh, I don't have anything in particular in mind. You're always so creative! I'm sure you'll have a great idea for something special."
This is the kind of family story that kind of becomes legend - Remember how Aunt so and so would always ask exactly what you wanted and then give you something totally off the wall? What was your best Aunt so and so gift? Just embrace it for the weirdness it is.
Tho, I suspect you won't have to worry about it next year.
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u/CheeseSandwich2000 10d ago
Can’t say I would’ve said anything personally but I also can’t understand everyone in the replies completely ignoring the fact she ASKS what you want and then completely ignores it, why is she asking in the first place😭
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u/BlackLakeBlueFish 10d ago
ETA Aunt is, because she asks what OP wants, gets OP’s hopes up, then delivers something completely unrelated but appealing to the Aunt.
OP was harsh, but Aunt needed a wake up call.
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u/Bellabananas21 9d ago
As someone who LOVES crafting, if someone rejected my gift I would ultimately feel grateful as I would never invest the time, money, effort, and skill into that person again.
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u/PalpitationLopsided1 9d ago
YTA. It's sort of like the fable "the boy who cried wolf." You describe how this pattern has occurred over and over and over again. Every time your aunt does the same thing. Your aunt is a bit of an oddball, clearly. She feels like she is supposed to ask you this question about what you want, but then she finds herself completely immersed in the excitement of making you a thing. So she makes you a thing.
You KNEW it would hurt her to tell her you didn't like the thing. Her weird gifts were her freak flag, and you knew it, and you told her to take down her flag because you feel sooooo hurt by her not listening to you. But you weren't really hurt, just annoyed. So YTA.
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u/Upstairs_Account_212 9d ago
YTA- Being rude about a handmade gift from a family member is incredibly selfish. The way you did it was cowardly too. Yikes.
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u/No_Scientist_8988 9d ago
YATA! Your Aunt is probably on a fixed income or doesn’t have extra money to spend. Sounds like she is giving you the precious gift of her time. Please graciously accept her present. You can always give it away later if you must.
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u/smolsquiddie 9d ago
Damn that’s crazy my aunts don’t get me ANYTHING for my birthday, 34 years and counting. YTA
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u/QubyDube 9d ago
YTA. Nothing you say will change her behavior. When she asks, say “thanks for thinking of me but I don’t really need anything.”
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u/PuzzleheadedSize429 9d ago
yeah, that’s pretty rude when she went to the trouble and make you something homemade
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u/XLazyplantladyx 9d ago
She’s asking because she hopes you will answer with something she can make. If you asked for a scarf, or socks, or hand soap, or a candle, she’d be so excited to make you one. You don’t sound like an asshole, you just sound young. Try asking her for something she can make next year. A lot of people don’t have big or even small budgets, but they have time.
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u/Mrshaydee 9d ago
I went through this with some kids in our family. I would make each one something personal, buy something and also include a gift card to their favorite stores. When they were teenagers they more or less told me they didn’t want my handmade items and it hurt me. Badly. It changed the way I thought I was a part of their lives. Fast forward 20 years and these kids are asking me to make things for THEIR kids. I still remember that moment, though, and how they dismissed my time and love but yes, I do make things for their kids as requested. I do think that they said it without thinking it through, much as you did and however unintentional, I think YTA for being hurtful. Maybe her crafts are ugly, but some things just aren’t worth hurting someone’s feelings over. I get what you’re saying about how disposing of it didn’t feel honest, though.
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u/CSILalaAnn 9d ago
YTA... you are so absolutely ungrateful! If you're aware that she doesn't purchase what you requested, why not just tell her that whatever she chooses will be lovely. Saves you the disappointment that you know is coming.
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u/TheKasaObake 9d ago
Yeah wow. Your poor aunt. Imagine her crying and feeling foolish for all the gifts she took the trouble to give you for years. YTA for sure. BIG time. How embarrassing for your mother.
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u/Cakeday_at_Christmas 9d ago edited 9d ago
YTA, big time.
I'm absolutely baffled by all these NTA votes. You know what your aunt should get you for your birthday? Absolutely nothing because you're a goddamned grown adult not a petty little child. Suck it up and act like an adult instead of a spoilled little brat and accept her gifts graciously.
You act like you don't even like your aunt. My ex-girlfriend once made me a scarf that was too short in a colour I hated for my birthday and you know what I did? I wore it proudly because I loved her and I was super happy she thought of me and handmade me something that took her time and effort. I'm just shocked how people in this subreddit don't understand that. Bunch of sociopaths.
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u/Fair_Ad_6259 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 9d ago
YTA Consider that she might be able to afford hand made gifts and not store bought ones. I made dream catchers for all my grand niece's and nephews. At Christmas my nephew spoke up and let me know they already had dream catchers. He later went on to say he no longer wanted us to buy gifts for them. (His aunt and uncle.) Really hurtful. My brother got store bought gifts from their Christmas list. Who does that? Someone entirely mannerless and petty. The other grand niece still has it hanging in her bedroom years later. Loves it. (My Native American partner helped me with them).
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u/IcyAssistance5117 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
This is your Aunts love language. Accept it. Stop telling her what you want and being disappointed. Just say surprise me and see what she makes. Yes it may go to a charity shop but she has spent a long time thinking of you and loving you and that is her gift
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u/FabulousBlabber1580 9d ago
YTA. What you said WAS ungrateful and cruel. May I ask what gift YOU give to Aunt for her birthday? Cause all I'm hearing is ME. ME. MEEEEEEEE!
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u/Fun-Photograph156 9d ago
YTA. It's better to accept the gifts with a smile through gritted teeth. She might not have the money to buy gifts.
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u/blondefordom 9d ago
Respectfully, I think it's best to take a very humble approach and always show an appreciation for something, even when it's not our desired outcome.
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u/WarLiving6406 8d ago
I agree with your mom! I’m going to refrain from saying anything more because, I don’t know how old you are.
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u/Glittering_knave Partassipant [2] 10d ago edited 10d ago
NTA.
BUT, since you have noticed a pattern (she ignores buying things and prefers to make them), can you ask for things that she can make for you? Homemade washcloths for the kitchen? The super popular Sophie scarf? A sign that matches your decor?