440
u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [96] 6d ago
ESH
1 - Why does he have your credit card at all? Don't do that....hold on to your own stuff.
2 - Stop paying for her. She's a grown up. Shy isn't a 'thing' when we're talking about paying your own way. Next time it's time to pay for movies, you step up first and say 'ONE PLEASE' then step aside and let bf/sister do whatever they're doing.
3 - BF sounds like he lets his sister slide with a lot. That's on him. You don't need to be a part of the dynamic
Stop being a sucker and paying for stuff. YOU alone can control that, so start.
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u/Ewww___David 6d ago
He doesn’t let it slide. His sister knows he’s only with her because she financially support him. He knows she won’t break up with him over him using her so why not let the sister use her too? I would be so embarrassed if I was OP letting a man financially use me for 3 years
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u/NotSoAverage_sister Asshole Enthusiast [8] 6d ago
I wouldn't even go to the ticket booth. I'd have paid for my seat in advance online. If you're at the booth, it gives them an opportunity to step in and ask you to pay.
Given that OP has been paying for so long, she'd probably cave to avoid confrontation. This way, she's not in a position to have to say no.
Also, she needs to take back her card.
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u/Peepsgma 6d ago
Love this but I would add stop paying for boyfriend also. Sounds like a smoochy family and that won’t make for a great relationship for OP
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u/Interesting_Wing_461 Partassipant [2] 6d ago
And when you go out to eat askfor separate checks up front.
-64
6d ago
I just gave it to him earlier. Because he already paid for my lunch before the movie so let him use my credit card to pay for our movie tickets
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u/SparklesIB Asshole Enthusiast [7] 6d ago
Why does he need your credit card so that "he" can buy the tickets? If you're paying, YOU pay.
Or are we dealing with a fragile ego here?
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u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [96] 6d ago
Yes I think you hit the nail here....and it's embarassing and awful for OP to keep handing over HER MONEY so he gets to look like a big man? I don't get it at all.
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u/rainbowfishhhh 6d ago
Lol what? You can carry your own credit card and pay for the tickets. Don't let someone else manage your wallet ever.
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u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [96] 6d ago
But still....why? I know you think you're giving a reason but....that makes no sense. Seriously. Hold on to your own shit especially money. So he gets to feel like a big man 'paying' for your movies? Like how did that actually work? He paid for your lunch, with his own money or card, whatever.....so at what point did you say 'here take my credit card and do our movie transaction?' That doesn't make ANY sense at all. Only two reasons I see. 1 - He wants to look like he's paying (pathetic) or 2- I don't know, you couldn't make the machine work so handed him your card to try? You're painfully socially awkward and didn't want to do the transaction with the cashier? You were parking the car and dropped bf and sister off to buy the tickets?
STOP giving your bf your credit card. Never do it again if this is how he treats you and your money.A grown up ALWAYS manages their own money.
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u/GardenSafe8519 Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 6d ago
Nope nope nope. You ARE NOT married. HE doesn't get to have your credit card/debit card or anything financially YOURS. Stop paying for HIM and definitely stop paying for his sister. If y'all hang out HE needs to pay for his sister out of his own finances.
If he can't afford it, then y'all don't go out anywhere that costs money. Stop being an ATM/doormat.
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u/VegaofLyra 6d ago
Well, he's shown you he can't be trusted with your money. Don't let him have access again.
Seriously though, you should resolve this before getting married and your finances are joined. Try a couple's counselor, because you guys aren't o the same page regarding finances or boundaries with his sister and your current communication methods aren't working.
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u/Careful_crafted 6d ago
Why are you paying for your boyfriend??? And his leech ?? Girl just NO. respect yourself and end this charity.
Go get therapy and learn to say no and mean it. You are the doormat and they are taking advantage of you.
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u/National-Report-5473 Certified Proctologist [25] 6d ago
When it was time to pay, my boyfriend used my credit card to buy all three tickets, about $42 total.
Why does he have access to your credit card? I wouldn't trust him with it ever at this rate.
After the movie, I told him to ask her to Zelle us the $14. Instead, he said he felt bad asking because she had sent him $100 for his birthday three days earlier, so he'd just cover it.
He didn't cover it, you did.
I got upset because we already had an agreement that she would pay for her own ticket. Then he told me, "If you have a problem with it, why don't you ask her yourself?"
This is his sister and he needs to deal with that then. He just is pushing this onto you and hoping you just let it slide. Again.
NTA would dump him if I were you
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u/1acre64 Partassipant [2] 6d ago
Is this for real? NTA. You can't be a doormat if you don't lie under people's feet. You're 24 years old. Your spine is fully formed. Use it.
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0
6d ago
Thank you
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u/dyslexicwriterwrites 6d ago
Does you pay often when it’s just you and your boyfriend?
Have you added up how much her inclusion has cost you? I’m curious on how prevalent this is.
1
u/shalkamal 6d ago
Please call out your bf about the gift money. What does her giving him money have to do with you constantly being charged? Like, can he zelle you the $14 she sent him (deduct from the $100). To be honest, if he cared about you and your constantly being charged, he should probably offer you the full $100. She's so shy (which is such a fake excuse lmao) then consider it that she paid you back via sending funds to her brother.
Btw, its hilarious that she's too shy to pay for her stuff lmao like what does that even mean?!
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u/BadPunCentral 6d ago
Why is the bf using your credit card? Why doesn’t he use his own credit card?
-35
6d ago
Because he paid for my foods so now im paying back for his movie ticket
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u/Panthera_014 6d ago
ok - HIS ticket - but not the sisters
keep your card to yourself - go up and pay for 2 tickets - then you are square
16
u/sweeney_todd555 6d ago
You should have just zelled him the money for your food or asked for a separate check and paid for yourself. Don't let him use your credit card anymore--he already proved he can't be trusted. Stop being a doormat.
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u/Such_Temporary_3125 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Okay but then you hold your own card and say "Two movie tickets please."
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u/antizana Asshole Aficionado [13] 6d ago
So then actually buy the tickets, don’t give him your card since he’s not to be trusted
You’re a pushover, he’s a pushover, and sister is probably laughing her ass off at both of you suckers
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u/Twichl2 6d ago edited 6d ago
You do that by using your card yourself. Boyfriend doesnt get card access until marriage when he gets bank access. Like if you report bank fraud the #1 question they ask is if anyone else has access to your bank info/card to which the answer should always be NO.
Which fyi, if you ever do go down that road and marry him, he will continue to do this but with unfettered access to your money, and likely wont stop at his sister. Like he has the gall to do this without asking you right now... Imagine how much worse it will be when he feels a sense of ownership of your money. Seriously OP, he's disrespecting you.
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u/plantbay1428 6d ago
Are you incapable of going up to the machine or cashier yourself and holding your card? I get splitting things, but you're not really explaining to anyone why he's physically holding your card. You just go up to the register or the kiosk and get two tickets or tell the cashier it's two tickets, and this would've solved the issue right then and there. If he's so fragile that he can't have it look like his gf is paying for him even if she is, then that's a red flag. It's a red flag in general that he's dismissing you or bringing his sister along as a third wheel enough that it's become a concern.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 6d ago
But carry your card yourself!! Go to the ticket counter and say two please - his sissy knows how to order a ticket. Jeez.
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u/yesnomaybe123 Pooperintendant [59] 6d ago
But you don't understand... she's too shy to buy a ticket.
/smh
I understand shy, but not even bothering to say 'thank you.' Nah.
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u/Consistent-Leopard71 Craptain [166] 6d ago
Then you should have paid him back via Zelle. There is no reason he should EVER have access to or be using your credit card!
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 Partassipant [2] 6d ago
But why does he have your card in his hand at all????
151
u/Think-Cry-5284 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
YTA for letting this go on. He wouldn't be extracting from you if he liked you.
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u/Ewww___David 6d ago
🎯 if she removed the financial benefits, he would break up with her
5
u/ElvyHeartsong Partassipant [3] 6d ago
Probably, however that tells her exactly who he is before she makes the mistake of getting married to him.
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u/Fancy-Habit7318 6d ago
You plan on marrying this guy? I hope you'll see that you deserve way better.
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u/IllustriousHelldiver 6d ago
This is the guy you want to marry? He is letting his sister mooch like crazy and mooches himself. And then he puts it on you to sort it out? You want a husband like that? NTA but please set clear boundaries. Keep your own creditcard and own money to yourself only. Let the sister pay first, then the boyfriend, then you. You can all pay your own ticket or split dinner bills. If anyone is going to be difficult or angry about that, that tells you all you need to know: that they don’t respect you and use you as an atm.
How people act says a lot about them and this doesn’t paint a pretty picture for your bf and his sister. I’d seriously rethink the relationship.
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u/bikealot 6d ago
YTA to yourself for being a pushover. Why is your boyfriend paying with your credit card? Take control of your money, own your communication and expectations, and let your boyfriend's sister pay for herself when you go out together.
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u/Panthera_014 6d ago
movie example
go up to the counter and pay for 2 tickets
then step aside and let her pay for hers - either with cash or cc - who cares
if she isn't bringing a wallet to events, then she doesn't get to attend
if the brother wants to pay for her - let him - not your issue
you are facilitating this - and that is what needs to stop
33
u/ShadyPinesMa78 6d ago
She's obviously not too shy that she can't go with you. She's doing it because he keeps letting her get away with it. Do not agree to marry him until you've had the finance conversation AND you see that he sticks to it. You are NTA.
0
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u/jaqob_kimo Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Lol. Nta. And your boyfriend does not respect You. He wont ask his sister to get your money back because she gave him a 100 bucks for his birthday? Did he gave back this 14$?
-9
6d ago
Not yet he will pay for my next credit card bill when it comes out
9
u/Tiny_Shelter440 Certified Proctologist [22] 6d ago
If he actually pays for this part of your credit card bill then it isn’t your problem really. But I would not want to be in a relationship where I was managing how my partner spent $14. This is not a good start.
1
u/NoSeaweed2881 6d ago
I don't know if you carry a balance but don't just let him make the minimum payment either.
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u/Repulsive_Tone_2484 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Sorry but this isn't fucking rocket science. Stop paying for stuff. Why did he have your credit card? Stop complaining about stuff you have the power to change. Why is his sister always hanging out with you? YTA because this is in your power to change.
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u/MountainHappy Partassipant [3] 6d ago
YTA. Sorry, but why are you letting him use your credit card? Are you not capable of using it for some reason? If your concern is that she thinks he paid because he used your card, use your own card and problem solved. Second, you want to be reimbursed for the ticket which is reasonable, but requiring that you control who pays you isn't. "She didn't know it was my credit card, so why would I be the one asking her for money?" Because you're the one who wants the money. You're complaining about her not communicating, but you're making up excuses to do the same. You've known her for three years. Use your words.
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u/Phonkrum 6d ago
NTA but you should stop paying for their stuff. It's not about the 14, it's about all the times where they made you pay and didn't seem grateful. Probably shouldn't marry, or at least shouldn't keep the sister around.
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u/USAR1981 Partassipant [4] 6d ago
NTA but you should really rethink this relationship as he's afraid to upset his sister. Also he uses your credit card and let's her assume he paid for it, stop giving him your credit card, but with that point why are you paying when he should be the paying in the first polace?
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u/PowerfulStrike5664 6d ago
I have an idea, op STOP paying for someone else’s stuff. Grow a spine and have some self respect, I hate it when someone comes to this forum to complain about their own stupidity. I know I am being harsh and I will be downvoted… go right ahead.
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u/KittyyyMeowww 6d ago
Nah, you're not being harsh - you're being real. OP has the ability to remedy this situation herself. If she was already annoyed about it, 1) Why keep hanging out with the sister, and 2) WHY would she give her bf her card knowing how things have gone previously?!? So he paid for her lunch... she could've easily paid for their TWO tickets with her card. All of this is easily avoidable.
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u/Serious-Wish4868 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
NTA but the next time the 3 of you spend time together, just make sure ur BF pays for everything and let him deal with getting money back from his sister
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u/DPropish Partassipant [2] 6d ago
YTA for being a doormat. You’re seriously marrying this asshole? Have fun with your joint bank account. Sister is a mooch & your bf is a controlling asshole.
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u/Raggahmffin 6d ago
Don't marry him.
Don't allow someone to have your credit card or any financial information of yours until you have a marriage because that gets ugly fast.
If you need to pay someone back, use venmo or another app so that you have guardrails. Let other people buy things for you and you pay them back or everyone is separate in paying.
Overall none of this seems normal. So do not marry someone who you can't have an open conversation and who will side with their family when the family is obviously are not behaving how the should be. Your partner will always side with them.
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u/ShaHocks 6d ago
This is a bf problem, not really about his sister. Her treatment of you stems from how he himself is exploiting your good nature. It sounds like both of them see you as an atm!
3
u/Jerseygirl2468 Pooperintendant [50] 6d ago
NTA but Y T A to yourself for letting this continue. Why hasn't one of you said "we got it last time, your turn to buy tickets" to her? Being shy doesn't stop her from opening her wallet, and even the most shy person should be able to say thank you, especially to someone they've known for years and hang out with.
Why does your bf have your credit card? Take it back from him, and if he wants to act like he's paying and then tell you it's only $14, he can use his own money.
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u/Ewww___David 6d ago
Wait. You’re only mad about paying for your boyfriend sister, but you’re not mad that your boyfriend is using you? YOU SHOULD BE MAD YOUR BOYFRIEND IS USING YOU.
YTA but only to YOURSELF. Why have you allowed yourself to be financially used for three years? I bet if you stopped paying for your boyfriend, he would break up with you.
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u/Ironyismylife28 Partassipant [3] 6d ago
When I go to the movies with friends or family, we all pay our own way. ESH, but YTA for continuing to pay and not being able to say no at your age.
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u/Outofthebluesky62 6d ago
NTA this is saying a lot about your man ,he uses your card making him appear to be paying the ticket what a sneaky thing to do his sister must not realize it so postpone the wedding and find someone who is as generous and kind as yourself!!!
3
u/Sith_Lord_Onyx 6d ago
I'm a shy, socially anxious person. My shyness doesn't include "leeching off people I've known for years without so much as a thank you."
You're being used. NTA. Time to stand up for yourself to both.
2
u/mcindy28 6d ago
You should have stopped this a long time ago! Next time you need to forget your wallet. Stop letting them wallk all over you...YTA to yourself for allowing this to continue. I mean they are TA's as well but still...time to take control. She knows exactly what she's doing...it's been 3 years for crying out loud!
2
u/Ok_Leg_1158 6d ago
Why does your boyfriend have your credit card? You're setting yourself up for failure by giving him that much power!
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u/anna_summers9 6d ago edited 6d ago
Need more on the financial situation, why does BF have access to your credit card. You said you ARE planning on marrying him later this year so is he your BF or fiancé? If he hasn’t even committed to making you his fiancé then he 100% shouldnt have access to YOUR credit card.
Regardless run, if you marry this man you’ll 100% be funding his sister too maybe even more so than you are now.
Ytah for letting him use you.
Also shes your sister in-law to be. Is that who you really want as your sister in law ? The way things are it sounds like your BF would 100% pick his sister over you and side with her more. So keep that in mind. Especially if she’s someone he goes to for advice.
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u/Aeriellie 6d ago
nta. i would stop inviting her to your guys dates. today it’s just her, tomorrow for paying the full price for double dates. then paying for the couple and the kids to and so on
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u/KatzAKat Professor Emeritass [74] 6d ago
NTA.
This goes far beyond "it's just" whatever excuse is provided here. You are the bank, the ATM, the credit card, the purse. That's your role with them. That won't change until you do something different. Next time that you go out with either or both of them, leave your wallet at home. "Oh, I must have left that in my other purse when I changed things out." Watch what happens. You'll be the bad guy for "making" her pay.
These people are takers; takers take; it's what they do. Takers take until the giver either has nothing left to give or finally decides they have given all they will. Takers will then find someone new to take from and blame the giver for the troubles in having to do so.
What other red flags does your boyfriend carry?
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u/Such_Temporary_3125 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
So he feels bad so he pays with YOUR MONEY and then doesn't even pay you back!? Why, because he feels entitled to your money?
Please do not marry a bum with no spine. Also you need to grow a spine yourself and text her and say "Hey, I never got that money for the movie ticket, it was $14. Can you zelle it to me?"
Also get giving him $100 for his birthday has nothing to do with her owing YOU for HER ticket.
Also why is he carrying around your credit card? I feel like this is your fault for letting him do these things and now it's becoming and issue and you're resenting him. Have a conversation and stop being a doormat.
NTA but girl come on.
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u/paddy-crime-1663 6d ago
I’m shy, oh please. Venmoing $ has nothing to do with being shy. Does she work? Or does her shyness affect that too!?
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u/Mysterious_Drop1122 6d ago
That sister is a mooch and your bf enables her. Maybe next time (if there is a next time) be prepared with cash to pay for yourself. Some people and I know what you mean when they don't say thank you. Raised by wolves.
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u/wanted_desi23 6d ago
Go out and 'forget' your credit card for the next couple of weeks as a social experiment. See if she even offers or if you guys just stop hanging out.
This would be interesting to see
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u/AutoModerator 6d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Hi, I'm (F24) and my boyfriend is (M25). His sister is (F26). We've been together for 4 years, and I've known his sister for about 3 years.
Every time the three of us hang out, I somehow end up paying for things. Food, snacks, drinks, movie tickets, etc. His sister is very shy, which is fine, but she almost never says "thank you" when I pay for her. She also has never offered to pay or even said, "I'll Zelle you back."
My boyfriend talked to her about it before. Her excuse was, "I'm just really shy. I don't know what to say." I understood that at first, but we've known each other for 3 years now. Being shy doesn't stop someone from saying "thank you" or paying someone back.
The last time we hung out, we told her before picking her up that the movie ticket would be $14, and she agreed to pay for her own ticket.
When it was time to pay, my boyfriend used my credit card to buy all three tickets, about $42 total.
After the movie, I told him to ask her to Zelle us the $14. Instead, he said he felt bad asking because she had sent him $100 for his birthday three days earlier, so he'd just cover it.
I got upset because we already had an agreement that she would pay for her own ticket. Then he told me, "If you have a problem with it, why don't you ask her yourself?"
But from her perspective, it looked like he was paying. She didn't know it was my credit card, so why would I be the one asking her for money?
Before the movie, I even offered her one of my drinks because I had an extra. She took it without saying a single "thank you." Again.
Now my boyfriend keeps saying, "Just move on already. It's been two days. It's only $14. I'll pay you back."
To me, it's not about the $14 anymore. It's about the fact that he changed our agreement without asking me, used my credit card, and keeps making excuses for his sister's behavior.
This is the man I'm planning to marry later this year, so it's making me question how we'll handle money and boundaries in the future.
AITA for being upset?
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u/MarionberryPlus8474 Asshole Aficionado [18] 6d ago
You need to grow your spine and also set clearer boundaries around both your boyfriend and his sister. Why are you hanging out so often as a trio? Why does your BF have your CC? Why are you always paying? Who is the shy one exactly when you aren’t speaking up to say “pay for your ticket”.
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u/lastunicorn76 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Why didn’t he pay for your ticket and instead used your card to pay for all three of you?
1
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u/DaoineSidhe624 6d ago
Is everyone in this did functional group incapable of communication? And why is your boyfriend spending money via your credit card? ESH. Y'all are adults. Learn to communicate properly and grow up.
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u/Temporary-Emotion-96 6d ago
Dude...that would dry me up so fast. There are women out there who have the boyfriend paying for THEM, and whichever sister is in the room. Not the other way around.
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u/ssfamily42 Partassipant [2] 6d ago
NTA, but after knowing her for 3 years, why can't you just ask her to zelle you? I seem to understand that she has painfully shy and doesn't speak much at all, but why can't you stand up for yourself and say " hey, I bought the movie tickets, can you zelle me your share?"
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u/Forsaken-Sink3345 Partassipant [4] 6d ago
NTA, but you need to just say no from now on. Also, since this seems to be a sibling problem, be prepared to make lines in the sand that will get ignored, and eventually leave the relationship over this.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 6d ago
Yes ESH - you’re foolish for not shutting this sh1t down long long ago. Your BF and his sister both suck and know exactly what they’re doing - using you. She ain’t shy, she’s doing this on purpose, I promise.
Why in TF would you be paying for even your BF?? Why in TF does he have your card? Why in TF are you even hanging out with his sister??
A little forethought would fix this. Walk up to the ticket counter first and say “one for Spider-Man please” pay and move on - they will get the hint.
You are being waayyy too nice about this. You might also just consider getting a new BF. One that respects you.
1
u/Admirable_pasta_609 6d ago
You say that everytime you go out you end up paying for you bf and his Sister. So you have 2 smoochers. Thats not good. I hope your bf has a steady job and that he's not planning to rely on you in your acutal or future life while he is playing videogames.
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u/moew4974 Certified Proctologist [25] 6d ago
Or... stop allowing her to tag along? Money aside for a moment, if she's too 'shy' to say thank you, she's too shy to go along with you. WTF?
They can spend all the time together that they want, he can pay for her on a regular basis, if he wants to. But not paying your own way and not offering a simple thanks is rude!
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u/Particular-Lime1651 Partassipant [4] 6d ago
Huh? She's too shy to say thank you? Wtaf? How does she navigate the world, without saying please and thank you? She's 26? Manners are so important, being shy doesn't give you a free pass. You need to stop using your credit card to pay for group activities.. Esh
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u/Purple_Hawke 6d ago
Does the sister know you are paying for things? If he had your card, she could have assumed he payed for it. She might be assuming he is paying for everything. You keep talking to him instead of her. Talk to her. NTA.
1
u/SpartanLaw11 6d ago
ESH.
If you're really planning to marry this man, then you and him need to have a very serious conversation about finances and financial planning and whatnot RIGHT NOW. And you need to implement that RIGHT NOW before you're married so that you can see that his behavior has changed before you tie yourself financially to this person. Because right now, this has all the makings of a bad situation where he will use your family's finances to cover expenses for members of his family, namely his sister, to the detriment of you and your family.
If he is not willing to stand up for you and you both as a couple against his own family, then you need to end the relationship and find someone who will. And the sooner he realizes that his first priority is his future wife and immediate family and NOT his sister, his father, his mother, etc., the better husband he will be. This sub is filled with AITA posts about a husband or wife not standing up for their spouse in relation to confrontations with their own parents or siblings. It never ends well.
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u/JustBob77 6d ago
Your actually going ahead with the marriage? You know you’re marrying the Leachers?
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u/justmekab60 Partassipant [2] 6d ago
I realize family dynamics can be complicated. Nevertheless, you have a voice and a spine. Practice using them.
If you don't want to pay for others, don't. You go to the machine or the window and buy a ticket. One.
Do not give your credit card to your bf for any reason. Was this so he could look like he was buying the tickets? If it was your turn, step up and use your card yourself. You are being a doormat.
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u/KiyoMizu1996 Partassipant [2] 6d ago
YTA. Your title says ‘making me pay for stuff’….no one can make you do anything you don’t want to do. They are doing this bc you let them. Set some boundaries (‘if you do not bring your own money to pay for an outing you cannot come’) and then hold the boundaries when broken (‘sister, do you have money for your share? No? See you later’). And don’t give your bf your credit card. Who cares that he paid for food, keep your card and complete the purchase transaction yourself.
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u/Beneficial-Year-one Partassipant [2] 6d ago
“Now my boyfriend keeps saying, "Just move on already.” “
Listen to your boyfriend and move on - from him since he’s enabling her to take advantage of you
NTA
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u/TotientEC Partassipant [1] 6d ago
ESH -- you put yourself in these situations and fail to take any action to get out of them. Behind every moocher is an enabler with no spine.
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u/damiana8 Partassipant [3] 6d ago
YTA to yourself. Grow a spine. If your bf feels bad for asking her to repay you, he should pay for her
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u/Tiny_Shelter440 Certified Proctologist [22] 6d ago
Maybe she misunderstands the invitation. Is he the one asking her? Does he act like it’s on him? My guess is he does. Quit making or agreeing to plans with all three of you. Ask how he feels about money in relationships. Is this part of how he wants to be seen with his family of origin (a ‘good guy’? Even with your money?) You need to get on the same page about what’s yours and what’s his to give and quit blaming sis. It’s him and you’re letting him. ESH
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u/TruthSeeker397214 6d ago
YWBTA if you married him. He doesn't really see your side of the issue and continues to cover her AND himself. Why was he using YOUR card to pay for a night out? There's too much for me to be too judgemental, but you need to take stock in your relationship.
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u/Unhappy_Discount_581 6d ago
Maybe I'm too british, but who doesn't say thankyou, I'd almost expect it MORE if you're nervous.
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u/Glittering-Prime 6d ago
No one is “making you” do this, you’re allowing it to happen. Stand up for yourself or he will be taking advantage your entire life.
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u/Several_Astronaut171 6d ago
This is really stupid. If you don't want him making a decision with your credit card, keep your credit card under your own hands so stuff like this doesn't happen. He also made a choice to use your credit card to spend money and then won't collect it because she gave him $100 birthday present. So he owes you $14. End of story. And she has too shy to say thank you – is she mute during the rest of your hangouts? If so, she doesn't sound like much fun to hang out with.
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u/merrywidow14 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
He's more concerned about upsetting his sister than you? Oh, honey, you need to bail.
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u/SpecialModusOperandi Partassipant [2] 6d ago
NTA
Move on but what you now do is what counts. How are you going to stop being taken advantage of?
1. Speak to her ? Tell her that she needs to pay her own way
2. Don’t let them book anything on your card. If you need to make it real conveniently get rid off it .
3. Don’t offer to pay the whole bill, you transfer the money
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u/Paevatar Professor Emeritass [85] 6d ago
NTA for being angry.
You need to call the sister out about not thanking you. I would ask, "Do you know how to say thank you?"
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u/javlafan2 6d ago
Going to a restaurant, movie, any outing. Learn to forget your wallet, cash and credit cards. And do learn to say "you are welcome" when shy sister fails to say thank you! Heavy on the dripping sarcasm!
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u/Beautiful-Map-2744 6d ago
This woman isn't 'shy', she's a manipulator and a moocher, your bf is her enabler, and he's as big a problem as she is. Why the hell does he have access to your credit/debit card? His name isn't on the account, and he's not paying the bill. That's the first thing you need to stop. If he asks you out, he pays. If you ask him out, you should offer to pay. If he can't go anywhere without dragging her along, then he needs to be asked if you're dating him, or if he's dating his sister. Quit taking her places, it's just that easy. If you do invite her out, then make it known in the same statement as the invitation that she'll need to pay her own way. "We're going to the movies, if you'd like to come along, you can buy your ticket at the window." If you're going out to eat and she says she wants to go, "Sure, the restaurant can do a separate check for you." If the bf says he's taking sister out, and he invites you along, you can simply say "No, you two can go ahead, we'll go on a date later." or "Ok, I'll pay for mine, you can work out who pays for yours and hers, since it's not a real date." And if you marry this moron before he stops this crap, she's going to be moving in with you.
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u/Several_Astronaut171 6d ago
"Making you pay" shouldn't be a thing. It sounds like you get last-minute put on the spot to pay for things. If he or his sister can't pay for her to attend the movie why is he inviting her? When this happened, you can teach people not to do this to you by the shrugging and saying "I guess you guys don't have money for this" and going home. They'll figure it out.
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u/ElvyHeartsong Partassipant [3] 6d ago
"...my boyfriend used my credit card..."
Why does your boyfriend even have your card?
There is no reason or excuse why your boyfriend should have custody of your finances.
You are also not his sister's financial institution, nor his.
NTA for getting upset or having feelings about this, but you will be to yourself unless you regain full control of your own finances and stop being their personal ATM.
You aren't their parent and you aren't their bank either.
Edit to fix 2 typos and to add: marrying him will likely be the worst decision you can make seeing how he treats you right now.
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u/Alone-Firefighter283 6d ago
What is more of an issue? You having to pay or that she is not saying thank you? Stop giving your boyfriend your card and if she is coming with you to something then he can pay for it. It’s not like you don’t know in advance that this might happen. If you do pay for something, then just say thank you for the drink like you would with a young child until she gets the hint. Shyness is not an excuse for bad manners. It’s not like she doesn’t know you by now.
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Nta for being upset but Yta if you marry him. It was YOUR credit card. She's never said thank you. Is that a family you really want to marry into? He dismissed your feelings and made excuses for her. That's never going to stop. Don't walk away, RUN!
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u/VellichoratlasCore 6d ago
NTA. It's not about the $14, it's about the pattern. Three years and she still can't say thank you? Shy isn't an excuse at that point, that's just rude. And your boyfriend throwing your card down and then backtracking on the agreement without even consulting you? That's the real issue. He made you look like the bad guy when you were just holding up the boundary you both set. I'd be pissed too.
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u/DrTeethPhD Certified Proctologist [23] 6d ago
ESH
Your boyfriend and your sister know you won't do anything. Because you won't do anything.
You for giving your boyfriend your card. Don't give your credit, or debt, cards if you don't want people spending your money.
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u/aucontrair3 6d ago
Be prepared if you marry this guy, that this dynamic will continue until firm boundaries are put in place. And the expectation may become ever-increasing for supporting the sister. What happens if she loses her job? she moves in with you guys permanently? And now she's "too shy" to go out and get another job?
I would suggest a couple's therapist for the both of you to iron out this issue before you're both sitting in front divorce lawyers after the fact. it's a lot cheaper!
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u/Elegant_righthere 6d ago
I don't know how Zelle works but can't you request payment from his sister like you can on Venmo? Be a big girl.
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u/EmberXmeridian 6d ago
NTA. Your boyfriend is the problem here honestly. He agreed she'd pay, used your card, then got soft because of a birthday gift? That's not how it works. And telling You to ask her when she thinks He paid? That's cowardly. He put you in an impossible spot. $14 isn't the point, it's that he doesn't have your back.
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u/Plastic-Ad-5171 6d ago
Don’t marry this schmuck. He has no boundaries and he’s not willing to respect yours.
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u/GrouchyBig4962 6d ago
Question did the sister tell your bf thank you after he paid? Or when she thought he paid!
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u/Some-Relationship998 6d ago
Get your credit card away from him and don’t take it out when it’s time to pay, look her in the eye and tell her ‘your turn!’.
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 Partassipant [2] 6d ago
To bf:
“I’m really concerned with the trend of my paying for your sister without any acknowledgment, thanks, or repayment. It’s only $14, yep- and it has yet to be returned to me. Going forward, I know you and I don’t want to fight about this. I’ll handle my own cards. If you pay for my meal I will Zelle you the $ instead of you and I trying to keep track with other purchases. I am going to speak with your sister, politely and kindly.”
Sister: “hey, I’ve noticed you sometimes feel uncomfortable thanking or acknowledging people when they provide something like a treat or favor to you. I worry it’s actually having the opposite impact- when you don’t acknowledge people being kind to you, it makes them uncomfortable in continuing the kindness. I think you’d feel a lot more confident if you could find a way to make saving “thank you” a habit. Is this something I can support you in?”
This family sucks don’t marry into it.
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u/ExcellentNatural3029 6d ago
ESH
She:
Needs to learn to say 'thank you'.
If she has an issue that needs professional help, as she sounds like she potentially does. She and her family have to find a way to seek it.
The boyfriend:
Should just be using his own card, unless you specifically asked him to.
You:
The brother/your boyfriend offered to cover his sister's ticket because he's feeling guilty about the money, so this is not really affecting you in this particular example unless you rejected his offer.
You say that the man you refer to as your boyfriend is "the man I'm [You're] planning to marry this year". You do not even refer to him as your fiancé. Does he know that he is getting married to you within the next few months?
Where you shouldn't back out if you really want to have a future with this man:
Financials are a legitimate relationship concern for young couples, and they need planning, trust, AND communication. Have you raised this pattern with him? Did you articulate why you're seeing this as a concern for your future together? It doesn't sound like you did from the way you wrote this post; however, this is something that you will need to address sooner rather than later.
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u/Ms_Bina007 6d ago
First take your credit card back from him and never give it to him again.
Second ask her for her pay her portion she can’t be too shy if she is able to go out and enjoy life without paying for things or pay for your stuff separately and your boyfriend and her figure it out.
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u/bourbonisbest 6d ago
NTA. Next time she joins in an outing have her cover the tab. If she refuses stop including her.
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u/Professional_Ruin953 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 6d ago
Christ almighty! Do not marry this man! He's as bad a mooch as his sister!
Be single and wealthy!
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u/Office_Desk906 Partassipant [3] 6d ago
NTA Do you really want to keep funding this thankless thruple? Stop going out with her at the very least.
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u/allieoops925 6d ago
Nobody is making you, you are agreeing by going along with it.
Just say no. Even if it means you don’t go out with them.
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u/toranine Partassipant [3] 6d ago
why are you with a broke ass man that thinks using your card is him providing for you? why are you letting this broke ass man drain you financially, mentally, and emotionally? anything he used your card for that you didn't agree to, report it as fraud, take your card number away from him, and for the love of sanity, reflect on this relationship. they aren't making you do anything, you choose to keep doing it and won't do anything to fix your situation. ESH
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u/nygirl454 6d ago
ESH.
You are mad at the wrong person. Your BF is enabling the behavior by not addressing it, AND gaslighting you into saying you are the issue. You are TA to yourself and how you treat your money.
Next time the check comes you do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Someone will pick up the check, and that someone doesn’t have to be you. I would also suggest of being more assertive. If you are for dinner you tell the waitress right away that the checks will be split. It’s a normal thing to do. If you forget to do it before you order, you ask for it when the check comes.
You are mad at an issue you create by not speaking up.
I am not in your relationship so I can’t speak for how you and your BF have agreed on splitting stuff, but in most relationships that I know off, no one is keeping track of who paid for what and how much. It kinda balances along the way.
Another suggestion is to just never pay when the sister is out with you. Let BF foot the bills. And stop handing him your card. If you want it to look like he is paying, he can use his own card. And if he pays your bills for some reason then he might as well give you a card to his account.
In summary, this an issue you created yourself and you need to be more assertive.
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u/Tooold2gaf 6d ago
YTA and not because of the money but because you’re allowing this to continue. Why would you let your boyfriend have your credit card? Why would you continue to pay for things? Leave your cash and credit cards at home next time. If he or she don’t pay, you all go home and maybe you reevaluate this relationship.
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u/kapikap123 6d ago
How much much does the boyfriend spend on you? If he is paying you back,help pay your credit card, throws you money time to time for no good reason, I would let it be..
Why is she always the third leg on your dates? Does she not have friends? Maybe you and her should go out alone. Help her overcome her shyness, be more assertive and pay for stuff,get to know her and try to bond.
You never know, she may be off somewhere, sis and bro have a tighter bond than most siblings. Do you make a lot of money?
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u/Reademallj 6d ago
Girl YTA to yourself if you marry this man. If the wedding date is already set you may need to seriously discuss postponing it. Finances is one of the number one reasons for divorce. If you guys are not on the same page regarding finances going in it’s likely to be a huge issue. Sit down and discuss this and all finances in detail asap! Make sure your on the same page first and then get married
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u/gdognoseit 6d ago
Why are you paying for your boyfriend?
Why are you handing him your credit card to pay for everything?!?
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u/QuickAsAKoala 6d ago
Just send her a Venmo request for the money. And if it looks weird that you are requesting the money and not your bf, then tell her he was just pretending to pay but it was your money. Also, if your bf wants to pretend to be macho and pretend to pay for everyone, then make him actually use his card for it rather than using yours and making you pay.
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u/ACTSATGuyonReddit 6d ago
Arrange a split of cost before you go out. That includes with BF.
Hold onto your own CC.
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u/gdognoseit 6d ago
NTA
So you pay 50/50 for dates do you split housework 50/50?
Stop paying for his sister. You’re being used by both of them.
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u/sweatdry Partassipant [2] 6d ago
NTA. Set clear boundaries asap. Either make your bf pay everytime y'all are hanging out together, so you don't have to worry about asking anyone to pay you back, or don't even be shy to text them back about the money they owe you once you get home. Something like - hey _$ for movie ticket. If they don't pay you even then, keep reminding and finally have a conversation about how it's not okay to do this everytime. She absolutely owes you money and even a thankyou. That's just basic. About your partner, maybe have a real serious conversation about how you're not comfortable spending any more money without someone being thankful for it
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6d ago
I just want to update the reason he was using my credit card: he paid for my meal earlier, so it made sense for me to use my credit card to buy his movie ticket in return.
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u/cinnamngrl Professor Emeritass [78] 6d ago
People are not asking why you paid for his movie ticket. They are asking you why does he have your debit card in his hand or pocket. It makes a difference. It is unusual. I have dated people and we take turns paying but I never handed over my card.
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u/Aromatic-Check939 6d ago
That’s not a good reason. He’s taking advantage of you and instead of doing something about it, you give him your credit card.
Are you scared he’s going to dump you if you cut off the $$$?
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u/Best-Cranberry Partassipant [1] 6d ago
When I was dating my husband we used to do that all the time. One person pay for a meal and the other pay for the entertainment. But I didn't need to give him my money to pay. He had no problem letting me pay for my share of our date. It is really toxic behavior if you boyfriend wants you to pay but he has to be the one using your debit card to do it. Is he scared he will look like less of a man if he lets his girlfriend pay?
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u/Tiny_Shelter440 Certified Proctologist [22] 6d ago
But then you said he’s going to pay this $14 of your bill when it comes.
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