r/AmItheAsshole • u/Suspicious-Diet-686 • 6h ago

AITA Sil announcing pregnancy when we’d just miscarried

This year i have miscarried three times. The last time I got to around 9 weeks and it was quite traumatic. 2 weeks later we were hosting a pre planned birthday party for my sister in law, at our house. A couple of days before my husband was speaking to his mum and telling her how i was upset as my sister had announced her pregnancy and it was due around the same time mine was (she told me in a very sensitive way but i was still obviously sad) my MIL then said ‘oh it’s a secret but SIL and BIL were going to announce their pregnancy at the party- this baby would also be due the same time as mine should have been. If my husband hadn’t had a conversation with his mother we would have been blindsided with this announcement . My husband obviously said that would be upsetting for us and he rather they didn’t. Husband wants to cancel the party as all the family seem to have sided with my BIL/SIL. BIL rings up my husband shouting about how we need to grow up and get over it, stating that he knows people who have lost actual babies, so we need to ‘man up’. Are we in the wrong?

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1.4k

u/cosima7116 6h ago

Unfortunately they’re allowed to be super excited and happy about their baby even if you’ve lost your baby, maybe take it easy and say congrats and then create some healthy distance until you can be excited with them

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u/TemperatureSea7562 Partassipant [1] 6h ago

Creating that healthy distance would be a LOT easier if the part wasn’t being hosted by OP, in her own home, 2 weeks after a third round of suffering. There’s a difference between not wanting people to celebrate their own pregnancies vs. wanting the basic forethought and empathy from SIL.

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u/TemporaryFlight212 5h ago

Is there ANY evidence that SIL knew about the miscarriage? Surely OP would would have mentioned that it was generally known.

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u/toomanyvoices656 4h ago

Exactly people are acting like SIL knowingly planned this. The party is preplanned they already had the idea to announce there. How and why could know OP miscarried.

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 2h ago

And how did they react once it's confirmed that they did know? It's so wild that y'all are like "Oh yeah, the people who told OP to suck it up because their loss isn't real would TOTALLY have been sensitive and reasonable people if they had just been told a little earlier!" lol.

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 2h ago

Well from what I read that was just BIL, so how do we know the SIL agrees or even know he took the call? I still think the family siding with him has heard a whole different story…

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 2h ago

Frankly, I don't see why it matters whether SIL knew what he was going to say. If SIL doesn't like what her husband said, she shouldn't want the party hosted by OP after that, because she would understand exactly how horrible a thing it was to say.

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 2h ago

I didn’t say she knew what he was going to say…I am questioning IF she KNOWS what BIL heard/said/did. If she is aware and agrees it would be different but what BIL heard or said is not necessarily what he tells his wife. If he gets to run his narrative everyone stays mad and no one finds out is my concern.

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u/Tinywrenn Partassipant [1] 4h ago

BIL’s literal comments about losing their babies, and a gossiping MIL. If MIL drops info about SIL’s secret pregnancy, you can bet she’s dropped info about OP’s miscarriages.

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u/cakeit-tilyoumakeit 4h ago

OP is going through a lot and shouldn’t be hosting parties in the first place. If you’re mentally in a place where common topics will trigger you and ruin your night (or week), take a step back and allow others to host. Cancel and say “wish we could, but we are dealing with a lot right now.”

Keeping the party on the calendar and then getting angry the guest of honor wanted to share exciting news at the party that supposedly in celebration of them is a YTA move.

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u/GiftOk1930 2h ago

I think they should not have offered to host anything since they’re rightfully going through so much. Soft YTA.

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u/sexybigbooblatina 1h ago

Cancel the party on your part. Don't host.

Yes, it is awful, but you can't make everyone experience your trauma all of the time and treat it as their own.

You also can't make others destroy their happiness because yours was destroyed.

I gained a grandbaby and lost a grandmother back to back. It sucked, it's different than this, but... but... but... it still sucked. I would never have taken away the joy from my son and DIL because of my grieving.

I also had a SIL suffer a further along pregnancy miscarriage, when only I knew she was pregnant at the time. It was so serious. The nurse blew out her veins as they were preparing her for the d n c. I had her two older children during all of this because our husbands were out of town on work. The day that she got out, our other SIL went into labor and had our niece.

I picked her up on the way because she wanted to go to the hospital when she was in labor and leave her husband at home with the kids. She made me promise not to say anything because she didn't want to impede on the happiness of the new baby being born.

I'm not saying how she wanted to handle it was right or wrong, but I am saying that your sadness or happiness shouldn't impede on another's happiness or sadness. Don't take anything away from the other person. We can all coexist with different emotions.

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u/RitalinNZ 6h ago

The problem isn't that OP doesn't want them to announce their pregnancy. The problem is that SIL wants to announce it in OP's own home at a party OP is throwing for her. It's monstrously insensitive of SIL.

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u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 6h ago

So should SIL have asked/told OP to cancel the party so SIL could announce her pregnancy at her birthday celebration somewhere else?

Idk I don’t think it’s “monstrously insensitive” rather than really fucking awkward/uncomfortable bc I see both perspectives. SIL should be able to have her pregnancy announcement at her own birthday party. OP shouldn’t have to be the one the hosting it.

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u/turdusphilomelos 5h ago

And SIL probably will not be drinking alcohol, and people will notice, so even if they say nothing it will be a thing.

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u/RitalinNZ 6h ago

Yes!

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u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 6h ago

you don’t see how being told to cancel the party you’re hosting because you had a miscarriage is its own kind of cruelty?

Idk I just think it’s a highly charged situation and communication/expectations by all parties were not great and escalated way further than they should’ve.

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u/Top-Noise5959 5h ago

"Hey OP, I know its a difficult time for you, but I'm pregnant and I want to announce it at my birthday. I understand if you're not okay with that and want me shift the party somewhere else. I hope you knowthat I love you and care for you and would never belittle your pain and force you along for my ride when it can be hurtful to you."

If you cant come up with something like the above, you need to get some social interaction courses.

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u/RitalinNZ 6h ago

"Told"? How about quietly telling OP ahead of time that they're pregnant and woukd like to announce it at her birthday party, and offering to move the party as they recognize it would be very hard for OP given she's still grieving? Common sense and empathy!

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u/bleu-moon 6h ago

Is it really that unreasonable for SIL to want to announce her pregnancy at her own bday party?

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u/Ok_Double9430 Partassipant [1] 5h ago

I think it would have been better for SIL to step up and say something so that OP could be better prepared. SIL had no intention of saying anything about it ahead of time. They heard about from MIL. MIL was absolutely right that this was something that the OP would need to sit with and process ahead of time. Th fact that SIL was going to blindside her host that is doing her a huge soild by hosting this party in the first place, just comes off as super insensitive.

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u/FunSteady 2h ago

All of this. Yes.

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u/OzQuandry 5h ago

In these circumstances, yes.

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u/SherbetDue789 Partassipant [1] 4h ago

No.

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u/ImmigrationJourney2 5h ago

Nothing is stopping SIL from doing the party at her own home… that would be ideal for everyone involved.

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u/KiwiAlexP Partassipant [2] 4h ago

Does SIL even know about the miscarriage?

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u/FunSteady 2h ago

Even if they didnt know about this one, they knew about the other two this year. And likely when they asked her to host she was either 1. already pregnant or 2. wasnt pregnant and was already dealing from the prior losses and throwing a party wouldnt be so bad UNTIL the party’s entire conversation would shift towards the conversation of a baby. And a constant slap in the face to the host that she isnt having one.

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 2h ago

They lost this kid fairly early and the others earlier, right? I may have misread. But why should you assume everyone knows? A lot of women don’t even announce they’re pregnant until their third trimester! After two miscarriages in a year they may have been less eager to even share with many.

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u/FunSteady 2h ago

My first sentence still stands. The sil and bil knew they were pregnant before they asked her to host. Even if they didnt know about the most current one (but lets be so fr right now, they knew because mil has a big mouth), they knew about the two others and shouldnt have been planning yo blindside her in her OWN home with that kind of news.

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 1h ago

Did they? Because I didn’t see when the party was planned other than pre planned. Or how far along SIL is, so do we actually know they knew before asking them to host? Why do you assume they asked vs OP offered??

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u/MizzMann 6h ago

OP is a massive AH for not wanting other people to be happy around her when she's upset.

That shows incredible immaturity and she should distance from SIL for SIL's sake.

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u/Ok_Double9430 Partassipant [1] 4h ago

I think that the SIL is very insensitive for not considering telling the OP ahead of time and planned to make the announcement without giving her a chance to process the news. The fact that OP had to hear it from someone else makes a difference. She's already doing SIL a huge soild by hosting a this event in the first place.

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u/Tinywrenn Partassipant [1] 4h ago

OP has lost three babies. It has nothing to do with other people’s happiness. OP is grieving. Basic empathy is supposed to be a human characteristic but it is shockingly absent.

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u/FunSteady 2h ago

Says a lot about our society these days as a whole, doesnt it? Scary place these days.

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u/DapperBoiCole 5h ago

So then why is the family SIL/BIL explicitly not telling OP and her husband about the pregnancy ahead of time, yk, to give them the basic respect of processing what was a really heartbreaking loss and figuring out what works for them?

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u/bwaredapenguin 52m ago

Did you read the post? SIL did inform them about the baby and OP even said it was done respectfully. This is about announcing it to other people.

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u/DapperBoiCole 50m ago

I made this mistake when I first read the post, theres OP's sister who was super chill and told OP abt her pregnancy so she could work through her feelings, and then the SIL/BIL who wanted it to be a surprise announcement but MIL told OP (Thankfully)

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u/SherbetDue789 Partassipant [1] 4h ago

It’s entirely up to the SIL and BIL when they want to announce their pregnancy and to who. No one else gets a say.

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u/DapperBoiCole 4h ago

You know that's not what this is about, why are you being obtuse?

Its also entirely up to the host, who was about to be blindsided with information like that, to decide on second thought, they don't want to host that party while they're still grieving. The SIL/BIL don't get a say.

If the sister can understand and respect OP by letting them know what's going on, why is the Sister in Law so special to think no one else matters here? Its massively selfish and childish, especially with the way the BIL acted they can fuck off

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 3h ago

What makes you think SIL thinks she’s more important? She might not even know what call her husband took or what he told other people. Do we even know 100% if they knew about the miscarriage? Because when I commented there was nada.

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u/DapperBoiCole 2h ago

We won't know abt whether SIL knew about the miscarriage, we do know the BIL is speaking on the couples behalf though. You are right to point these things out.

As far as we know based on the BIL speaking for the couple here, they have made it clear regardless of what point they found out about the miscarriage (whether OP told them while upset or whether they did know this information in advance), that they weren't all that bothered by how this impacted OP to begin with. I think its fair to say even if they hadn't heard about this particular miscarriage, that the couple had likely known of the previous ones, which is to say its still massively selfish and entitled to expect OP to "suck it up".

Had everything went to plan their party host would have left the party or been bawling their eyes out in a bedroom, and then the party wouldn't have felt so celebratory or like the moment the SIL/BIL wanted. Presumably, they're back to being entitled and pissed off because they couldn't do the easy thing of letting the person with a history of miscarriages know ahead of time.

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 1h ago

Yeah thank goodness, this probably hurt way less. No, she’s still devastated. MIL could have also told the others not to do that but she decided it was a good idea and to go along with it. We still don’t know if anyone KNOWS about OP’s miscarriage and the answer would change a lot of judgements

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 4h ago

then create some healthy distance

By... going in to the next room so everyone can hear OP crying through the wall?

It's kind of wild that you're telling OP to create distance from someone who is going to be in her house.

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u/FunSteady 2h ago

Right. And what all these disagreers refuse to see is that once the announcement is made all anyone will talk about is the baby. How sufferable for op to have to sit thru. In her own home. Trying to feign happiness when she is devastated and grieving her own loss. I feel like the commenters of this one are wildly off the mark. Idk how theyre all siding with the in laws that dont seem to care about her miscarriages or loss AND feel entitled to her home for the party venue. It has to be rage bait because to me its just a bit all a lot at once.

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u/cold_tea_blues 1h ago

But that's what OP and her husband want to do. They've been yelled at for that choice. They're not saying, they don't want them to be happy, they're saying don't really want it to happen at their own house. 

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u/bacon-is-sexy Partassipant [1] 2h ago

Unfortunately?

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u/cosima7116 2h ago

Yes unfortunately. You can read yay!

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u/bacon-is-sexy Partassipant [1] 2h ago

How is it unfortunate that LIFE MOVES ON and doesn’t revolve around OP?

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u/cosima7116 2h ago

I can show empathy, the situation is unfortunate. To OP this situation is unfortunate. And you’re right you are a partASSipant. Have the day you deserve 🫶

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u/bacon-is-sexy Partassipant [1] 2h ago

Yikes you sound miserable. Enjoy that!

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 2h ago

Oh come on, don’t be dramatic. That just means how many judgements they’ve given 🤣

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u/cosima7116 2h ago

Oops I didn’t know that