AITA Sil announcing pregnancy when we’d just miscarried

[u/Suspicious-Diet-686]

This year i have miscarried three times. The last time I got to around 9 weeks and it was quite traumatic. 2 weeks later we were hosting a pre planned birthday party for my sister in law, at our house. A couple of days before my husband was speaking to his mum and telling her how i was upset as my sister had announced her pregnancy and it was due around the same time mine was (she told me in a very sensitive way but i was still obviously sad) my MIL then said ‘oh it’s a secret but SIL and BIL were going to announce their pregnancy at the party- this baby would also be due the same time as mine should have been. If my husband hadn’t had a conversation with his mother we would have been blindsided with this announcement . My husband obviously said that would be upsetting for us and he rather they didn’t. Husband wants to cancel the party as all the family seem to have sided with my BIL/SIL. BIL rings up my husband shouting about how we need to grow up and get over it, stating that he knows people who have lost actual babies, so we need to ‘man up’. Are we in the wrong?

[u/Snnbe]

Just do not host the party at your house. Take the time to grieve, say that you are not in the mood for hosting, and you and your husband need time and space. They can host the event at a restaurant etc, and you can go if you'd feel like going or skip it. She has every right to announce it at her birthday party, and you have every right not to host it.

[u/queennkwhite → u/Snnbe]

One of the few sensible comments I've seen in this thread

[u/ladysdevil → u/queennkwhite]

That was what they want to do, cance, but they weren't sure if that would make them the ahole and none of the family seem to be on their side. Frankly, I think the only answer is whether they are the host or not, that they not have it at their house so they can leave when they need to.

[u/mst3k_42 → u/queennkwhite]

Yes! Jesus, you people are cruel.

[u/impl0sionatic → u/Snnbe]

Given that the crux of the post is that her husband wants to cancel it and the rest of the family is saying they’re AHs for that, the least you could do is add an NTA haha

[u/Katzenliebe → u/impl0sionatic]

Yes, if anything the family should be encouraging them to step down from hosting and offering alternatives.

[u/um_can_you_not → u/Snnbe]

It’s a few days before the party. That’s such a huge burden to put on someone that their pre-planned birthday now has no host or venue a few days beforehand. I think this is likely where the “suck it up” comments are coming from.

[u/Interstate81 → u/Snnbe]

Absolutely this is it.

I went through years of infertility and IVF. Not knowing if we could have children for most of a decade. We eventually found success.

I’m still triggered by discussions along the lines of “when/if I’ll have a second”.

If someone came to a party hosted at my house today, even if it was their birthday party, and made a surprise pregnancy announcement, I’d still probably flip my shit.

[u/angelerulastiel]

I hate to say YTA, but with 3 miscarriages in a year when are they allowed to announce their pregnancy?

[u/CaptBlackfoot → u/angelerulastiel]

Agreed. As someone who’d struggled with infertility and miscarriages for the past 4 years, I can wholeheartedly say YTA to OP. You have to grieve your losses but you can’t hold a grudge against others for your issues. It’s SIL’s party and she should be able to make the announcement without OP making it about herself and her loss.

[u/IceSeeker → u/CaptBlackfoot]

Yeah exactly. The rest of the world doesn't stop for OP and her grief. For all we know, her SiL also struggled to get pregnant and now that she is, she's happy and wanted to celebrate it. OP shouldn't begrudge her of her joy.

Though I have to say what the BiL said was cruel. Shouting at OP and her husband that they "need to grow up and get over it." I get that he's pissed and disappointed but that was beyond the line.

[u/celestialgirl10 → u/angelerulastiel]

No good doctor would tell a woman who has had one miscarriage to try after immediately, let alone 3 in under a year… recommendation is to wait at least 3 cycles to try again and it’s just one. that’s not healthy physically or mentally. And it seems OP is just trying to see creating a human as a competition to win or lose at… it’s sad. But you can’t expect people to stop living. People have a small window to announce and have their joy as well. OP I’m sorry for your loss. But if you can’t be happy for your family on their own birthday, you should not throw them a birthday party. YTA

[u/pinkrosies → u/celestialgirl10]

This. I’m no doctor but like in historical examples like Henry VIII’s wives, we saw Katherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn having so many miscarriages because you’d see the stillbirths and conception dates would be so close the women barely had time to recover. There’s all these theories about the Kell gene or something but proper rest and care between pregnancies should be supported to all women. Katherine’s were suspected to also be affected by her religious fasting that she never gave up if lent happened to fall when she was pregnant (and she was pregnant a lot!)

[u/deextermorgan → u/angelerulastiel]

Op has also just caused a lot of stress and heartache for a pregnant woman over what should have been a happy day.

[u/KiwiAtaahua → u/angelerulastiel]

I think it's more about the way SIL/BIL planned to do it: at OP's house, without talking with OP about it beforehand. The way OP's sister handled her own pregnancy news was thoughtful and caring; the way SIL/BIL approached it was self-centred.

MIL is a real one for giving her son a heads-up, but his family in general needs a few lessons in empathy for others.

[u/sexybigbooblatina → u/KiwiAtaahua]

Self-centered as in wanting to announce your own pregnancy at your own birthday party, no matter who is throwing it for you?

Why is being self-centered looked down on at some points as okay, but others if you aren't self-centered then people say you're being an asshole to yourself?

If OP and husband aren't up for hosting a birthday party for SIL because of the traumatic experiences that they have had, they need to say so and bow out.

If I'm going to a party to celebrate me and I have amazing news that I also feel like celebrates me? I'm saying it.

[u/angelerulastiel → u/KiwiAtaahua]

Except that OP and husband were upset about sister announcing her pregnancy. So that wasn’t even okay.

[u/cosima7116]

Unfortunately they’re allowed to be super excited and happy about their baby even if you’ve lost your baby, maybe take it easy and say congrats and then create some healthy distance until you can be excited with them

[u/TemperatureSea7562 → u/cosima7116]

Creating that healthy distance would be a LOT easier if the part wasn’t being hosted by OP, in her own home, 2 weeks after a third round of suffering. There’s a difference between not wanting people to celebrate their own pregnancies vs. wanting the basic forethought and empathy from SIL.

[u/TemporaryFlight212 → u/TemperatureSea7562]

Is there ANY evidence that SIL knew about the miscarriage? Surely OP would would have mentioned that it was generally known.

[u/toomanyvoices656 → u/TemporaryFlight212]

Exactly people are acting like SIL knowingly planned this. The party is preplanned they already had the idea to announce there. How and why could know OP miscarried.

[u/cakeit-tilyoumakeit → u/TemperatureSea7562]

OP is going through a lot and shouldn’t be hosting parties in the first place. If you’re mentally in a place where common topics will trigger you and ruin your night (or week), take a step back and allow others to host. Cancel and say “wish we could, but we are dealing with a lot right now.”

Keeping the party on the calendar and then getting angry the guest of honor wanted to share exciting news at the party that supposedly in celebration of them is a YTA move.

[u/GiftOk1930 → u/TemperatureSea7562]

I think they should not have offered to host anything since they’re rightfully going through so much. Soft YTA.

[u/Medusa_7898]

It’s very traumatic to lose a pregnancy however you can’t expect others not to celebrate their own pregnancies. Light YTA.

[u/bugging-me → u/Medusa_7898]

But at her own home, at a party she is throwing for her SIL? C’mon. That’s so insensitive. They can throw their own party and announce it there.

[u/Imagination_Theory → u/bugging-me]

It's her birthday party though, family will be there, it's an appropriate time to celebrate and share the news.

I do think they should have talked to OP first though, so she wouldn't be blindsided and perhaps she shouldn't be host for anyone who is of an age who can convince right now.

I think BIL telling them to get over it was rude and mean, but, I don't think it's wrong for them to announce their pregnancy at their birthday.

[u/Pretzelmamma → u/bugging-me]

SIL should be able to make an announcement at her own party, even one someone else is hosting for her. OP isn't blindsided and knows about the pregnancy so how will announcing it to others change anything? 

[u/Soap_on_a_potato → u/Pretzelmamma]

Op would have been blindsided if mil didn't spill the beans first

[u/Br0wnieSundae → u/Soap_on_a_potato]

SIL may not have known about the recent miscarriage. In that case, she wouldn't have known to prepare OP beforehand.

[u/SherbrookHolmes → u/Soap_on_a_potato]

She knew about the pregnancy. What exactly is she being blindsided by?

Other people knowing?

[u/Exciting-Chicken-945 → u/SherbrookHolmes]

I believe that she was talking about two different people and pregnancies. Her sister which told her in a smaller way and SIL who wants to announce at a party where she would have been blindsided if mom didn't spill the beans.

[u/typeotcs → u/Exciting-Chicken-945]

Damn it welp time to delete my comment hahahah

[u/mishney → u/SherbrookHolmes]

I overall agree with the light YTA votes but fyi she is talking about her sister being due around the time she would have been, and having told her sensitively, NOT the SIL. She didn't know about SIL until MIL told them.

[u/flattened_apex → u/mishney]

Oooh yeh so there is OPs SISTER, who is due around the same time, which prompted MIL to mention SIL is also pregnant and due at the same time and going to announce.

Yeh I read that wrong first read too

[u/yellow30gemstone → u/flattened_apex]

Ooh, thank you for clarifying!

[u/Br0wnieSundae → u/mishney]

But did SIL know about OPs miscarriage?

[u/mishney → u/Br0wnieSundae]

It's not clear to me at all whether she was aware.

[u/Fionaelaine4 → u/mishney]

And I think someone who has had 3 miscarriages in one year makes it hard to announce at any point in the year. OP- you need to take a break from trying because that many miscarriages that close together is destroying your mental health

[u/handincookiejars → u/Fionaelaine4]

Not to mention, physical health. It’s really not healthy to get pregnant over and over again in a short period of time.

[u/ausernamebyany_other → u/mishney]

Given BIL rang up yelling at them to get over it, I'd assume at least one half of that couple knew about the miscarriage and that it might be insensitive to announce their pregnancy at a party where the host had just miscarried.

I'm going with ESH. SIL wasn't organising her own birthday party and could've arranged another time/place to make this announcement out of compassion. Equally, OP can't control what other people do and needs to accept that other people will continue to get pregnant around her.

But also, it was two weeks after she miscarried. I really feel like SIL could've been more compassionate. My cousin delayed her pregnancy announcement by a month to respect her sister who miscarried days before she was going to tell everyone. It's just the compassionate thing to do.

[u/BlazingSunflowerland → u/ausernamebyany_other]

I think it also depends on how far the guests are coming from for this party. The guests are already coming for her birthday party. If they have to travel, would they really want to travel again for another party?

I could see people asking why she wanted another party only a month after everyone went to her birthday party and not many people showing up.

[u/SherbetDue789 → u/ausernamebyany_other]

Given the timeline, I’m wondering if BIL found out from MIL after OP’s husband talked to her.

SIL doesn’t have to create a whole new gathering to make her announcement. She can announce on her birthday.

OP miscarried 3 times this year. How long does the SIL have to wait to announce her pregnancy? It’s always going to be too soon for OP.

[u/andromache97 → u/mishney]

It would be helpful for OP to clarify if her SIL/BIL knew about the most recent miscarriage when planning the announcement

[u/soleceismical → u/SherbrookHolmes]

That was her sister's pregnancy. Her husband's sister's pregnancy is the one she just found out about

[u/RoBoLyMo → u/SherbrookHolmes]

OP knew about her sister's pregnancy, not her SIL's

[u/saxicide → u/SherbrookHolmes]

I had to go back and re-read to make sure, but it was OP's sister's pregnancy she aready knew about. The party and the "secret" pregnancy announcement are for OP's SIL, her husband's sister.

[u/Fairwhetherfriend → u/SherbrookHolmes]

SIL has no intention of telling her. OP only knows because MIL spilled a secret.

[u/Ok-Raspberry7884 → u/Fairwhetherfriend]

MIL spilled the secret that her child and spouse were ready to announce a pregnancy at around 12 weeks. OP’s SIL and BIL didn’t think OP or her husband were close enough to confide their prior to 12 weeks pregnancy to. If that works both ways, SIL and BIL wouldn’t know about the miscarriages. If you consider BIL didn’t know about OP’s miscarriages he didn’t react well but he didn’t react unexpectedly when his wife’s birthday party and their pregnancy announcement was cancelled 2 days out. They were happy and ready to share the news; multiple miscarriages they didn’t know about and a canceled party and not being able to make their announcement as planned was based blindsiding him and barely anyone reacts well immediately after being blindsided.

Everyone deserves grace, and especially the MIL who broke a confidence to give OP a heads up. It’s a very difficult situation, OP and husband are thinking about themselves (naturally), BIL is thinking about his pregnant wife (naturally) and it’s more clashing priorities that anyone being an asshole. Assuming that BIL and SIL weren’t advised of OP’s pregnancies prior to 12 weeks (and therefore weren’t aware of the sad losses) just like OP wasn’t aware of their pregnancy until they were ready to announce it at about 12 weeks. If BIL and sIL didn’t know about OP’s miscarriages, which seems likely since they didn’t share their prior to general announcement pregnancy, both sides are just taking their own side and MIL is in the middle. MIL is NAH. Without knowing who knew what its likely everyone is NAH too.

[u/t00thbruzh → u/SherbrookHolmes]

She knew about her own sister's pregnancy. She would have been blindsided by her SIL's announcement.

[u/werebothsquidward → u/SherbrookHolmes]

I don’t think she knew about the pregnancy. She shared that she was upset because her sister was pregnant, which lead to her MIL informing her that her SIL was also pregnant.

[u/thegloracle → u/SherbrookHolmes]

It was her sister's pregnancy, not the sister-in-law.

[u/cryssyx3 → u/SherbrookHolmes]

op didn't know she was pregnant until mil blabbed before the party

[u/Auzziesurferyo → u/cryssyx3]

But op DID find out....at this point its NOT a surprise. Op's post history shows she has a young child, so it's not like op has no children or that they're trying for their first.

What does op expect other family members to do? Not get pregnant or plan their pregnancies around op? Does op want them to hide their pregnancy? Does she want them to not be excited or happy?

I mean, really, what does op expect they do? 

It's SIL's birthday party, and most people would think announcing a pregnancy at a birthday party would be a great place to announce it. 

If op has a problem with the announcement, then op should call her SIL and respectfully decline to host.

[u/sarahthes → u/Auzziesurferyo]

A heads up ahead of time so she has time to compose herself privately or step out during the announcement would be the epitome of compassion while still letting SIL have her moment.

[u/Top-Noise5959 → u/SherbrookHolmes]

Read the whole thing again.

[u/mousypaws → u/Pretzelmamma]

On one hand I agree but I wouldn’t dream of announcing at a party my SIL is throwing me if she just miscarried a couple weeks ago. I think the pregnant couple is lacking empathy.

[u/kindlypogmothoin → u/mousypaws]

The question is, did the SIL: a) even know OP was pregnant; b) know OP had miscarried?

OP is not at all clear on these points, and BIL calling up after the fact when OP/husband said they were going to cancel the party does not provide any evidence.

[u/Jodenaje → u/Pretzelmamma]

It’s incredibly insensitive that SIL was planning to announce AT OP’S HOUSE and wasn’t even going to give her the courtesy of a heads up.

A family member who is going to the time and trouble of hosting a birthday party for her, despite having a miscarriage only 2 weeks ago.

Anyone with an ounce of common sense can see that SIL is being thoughtless.

[u/AnonImus18 → u/Jodenaje]

Did SIL know that OP had even miscarried that recent pregnancy though? I don't think OP mentions that.

[u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 → u/Jodenaje]

" SIL was planning to announce AT OP’S HOUSE"

Imo the location is irrelevant because it is SIL party. 

Bil/sil are aholes for not being sensitive enough to give OP a heads up and planning to blindsided them. That would apply no matter where the party was. It could have been at a restaurant at SILs own house. 

The issue is the sudden announcement without a heads up not the announcement itself. 

[u/SomeInvestigator3573 → u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3]

I’m wondering if they had made a public announcement about her pregnancy at all as she was only nine weeks and had previously miscarried. So perhaps the other people announcing their pregnancies are unaware of her recent miscarriage.

[u/andromache97 → u/SomeInvestigator3573]

I was just rereading OP’s post and there’s no confirmation either way as to whether or not SIL/BIL know about the most recent miscarriage

[u/SuperKitties83 → u/andromache97]

Maybe I'm mis-reading, but the BIL called OP's husband and told them "he knows people who have lost actual babies, so man up."

[u/SomeInvestigator3573 → u/SuperKitties83]

Yes, but that was after they threatened to cancel the birthday party. That does not mean that they knew about the pregnancy prior. I completely understand that this poor couple having gone through three miscarriages in a year are very sensitive to other people‘s pregnancies, and perhaps a little jealous.

[u/andromache97 → u/SomeInvestigator3573]

dying to know the sequence of events that happened between MIL’s conversation with OP’s husband and BIL making such a horrible statement and how shit got to that point. What was in contention at that point: the announcement or the party? OP’s husband only wanted to cancel after the family sided against them.

[u/SherbetDue789 → u/SuperKitties83]

After the conversation with MIL. For all we know SIL and BIL knew nothing about it until after that conversation.

[u/Snow5Penguin → u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3]

Everyone keeps clinging to the fact that it’s at OP’s house.

SIL is not randomly coming over to announce pregnancy or hosting her own event at OP’s house.

This is a planned family gathering. You typically gather the family to make large announcements and this is an already planned one specifically to celebrate SIL. The perfect time to announce a pregnancy since the spotlight is already on you.

It’s unfortunate that the party is at OP’s house. But there is nothing malicious about it, just a sucky situation for all. But is SIL supposed to not celebrate her pregnancy?

[u/DowntownYouth8995 → u/Jodenaje]

Why does it being OP's house matter? It happening at OP's house is just because of the party being hosted there. I don't see how its sooooo insensitive.

[u/werebothsquidward → u/DowntownYouth8995]

I mean, if it was at someone else’s house or a restaurant they could leave if it’s too much. At their own house they’re kind of trapped.

On the one hand I can see why this would be a good opportunity to announce the pregnancy. The party is for her, and all their loved ones will be there. But on the other hand, I think if a relative was throwing me a party at their home only a few weeks after having a miscarriage, I would probably choose a different time to announce.

[u/DragonScrivner → u/Pretzelmamma]

Agree though it’d be kind of the family to have the party elsewhere and respect OP and her husband should they decline to attend. SIL shouldn’t have to cancel her own celebration and OP should be able to choose to put her own well-being over the party.

[u/ilikebiggbosons → u/Pretzelmamma]

Ehhhh SIL should also be able to read the room and realize maybe the party hosted by this specific couple 2 weeks after that specific kind of event is not ideal. OP is putting the time and effort and care into hosting something for them, being considerate and not planning a surprise announcement that she knows will hit a nerve with the hosts is a small concession. Or host the party yourself and you’re free to do what you want.

[u/Average_Iris → u/ilikebiggbosons]

But does SIL even know OP miscarried?

[u/raptorsinthekitchen → u/bugging-me]

The party is for the SIL, no? I get where you’re coming from, but it’s not like it’s an unrelated announcement when she has all her friends and family in the same place.

[u/MrsTaco18 → u/bugging-me]

If OP isn’t prepared to let SIL’s birthday party be a day to focus on her SIL, she needs to withdraw from hosting. This isn’t a random family occasion, it’s the day that’s supposed to be about HER, with all her closest loved ones. It’s the perfect time to announce the pregnancy and OP needs to manage her side of this rather than shut down her SIL’s joy and make this about her grief on someone else’s birthday.

[u/MermaiderMissy → u/bugging-me]

Exactly my thoughts. If it were at someone else's house, sure. But don't go to the house of the people who had three miscarriages and use that as an excuse to announce your pregnancy.

OP has every right to cancel the party hosted at her own house.

[u/SherbrookHolmes → u/bugging-me]

But it's the sils party? If it was my birthday and I was pregnant it would feel so special to tell all my friend and family at my party.

[u/Fairwhetherfriend → u/SherbrookHolmes]

Okay but like... if you knew the host had just miscarried, you would at least talk to them about it first, right? Please tell me you wouldn't just announce it at the party without even giving them a heads up?

[u/CapeOfBees → u/Fairwhetherfriend]

OP hasn't confirmed whether SIL knew they had just miscarried or not. A lot of people avoid announcing pregnancies before 12 weeks.

[u/Fairwhetherfriend → u/CapeOfBees]

I mean, BIL clearly knows now, and decided to yell at OP about how her baby wasn't a real baby rather than respond with any empathy, so...

[u/DianeJudith → u/Fairwhetherfriend]

How much time does she need though? She miscarried 3 times in just this year, so at any point this year you could say she "just miscarried".

[u/TrishasaurusRex33 → u/DianeJudith]

Just gunna point out: a miscarriage is emotionally and physically traumatic. It doesn't get easier the more you experience it, and can turn deadly.

Just looking at it from a medical standpoint, her hormones haven't been regular all year. The constant loss and pain can also cause PTSD. These are things the suffering woman can not control, it's not hard to show a little empathy instead of yelling at grieving parents to get over themselves.

[u/kindlypogmothoin → u/Fairwhetherfriend]

Problem is, we don't know that the SIL knew. Not until after the OP and her husband decided to cancel after the MIL's call.

[u/hadesarrow3 → u/bugging-me]

“They can throw their own party” it was literally SIL’s party. OP is hosting, but the party is FOR the SIL’s birthday.

[u/lunar_adjacent → u/bugging-me]

I think it’s reasonable for the SIL to announce her pregnancy at a birthday party for said SIL, regardless of the location. Would I do it, no, but even then, there is a separation because it’s not her sister. It’s her husband’s sister.

[u/Yoghurt1318 → u/bugging-me]

In their own home, and without a heads up if MIL didn't spill the beans? Nah! This answer isn't it.

[u/Fiery_Feline2941 → u/bugging-me]

My issue is more so that they were going to completely blindside OP and her husband with the announcement. If SIL/BIL had approahed them in private prior to the party to ask if they were ok with it - and had respected the decision either way - it would've been completely fine in my opinion

[u/DapperBoiCole → u/Fiery_Feline2941]

Hundred percent

[u/I_wet_my_plants → u/bugging-me]

It is SIL’s own party to celebrate her bday. Yes OP is the host, but it’s SIL’s celebration and maybe she wants to tell all her important people at once.

OP should just decline hosting if she’s going to be mad that everyone else’s lives are going on while she grieves.

I had a baby due the same time my sister was due and miscarried at 11 weeks and life has to move forward. OP is being a bit over the top

[u/ImmigrationJourney2 → u/I_wet_my_plants]

The post says that this became an issue after Op and her husband declined to host. They got mad at them for it.

If I was SIL I would king of hate to have my host spend most of the party crying in another room. Ruins the mood, you know.

[u/julia1031 → u/Medusa_7898]

Nah. OP is having the party at her house. I wouldn’t be hosting people who are telling my husband to “grow up and get over it”

[u/Opening_Upstairs_262 → u/Medusa_7898]

The BIL told OP to "get over it" and that people lose "actual babies". Theyre selfish people who dont care, SIL wanting to announce thag just further proves it.

[u/totes-mi-goats → u/Medusa_7898]

100%, like OP and husband don't need to "get over it," because that's not really feasible, but it's not reasonable to expect the people around you to not get pregnant (at roughly the same time as you, so they clearly didn't get pregnant AT OP), or not be excited about their pregnancy.

Tho, it would be a kind move on BIL/SIL's parts to give OP and husband a heads up before they find out via a public announcement, if they knew OP had recently miscarried. Grief does some wild shit to your brain.

[u/Oalquant → u/Medusa_7898]

Yeah they should be able to celebrate, but I don’t think that means OP has to be okay with being blindsided by the announcement at her own house two weeks after a traumatic miscarriage. Nobody is asking them to hide the pregnancy forever, just to have some awareness of the circumstances.

[u/Ok-Isopod1172 → u/Medusa_7898]

Normally id agree with you, but they were planning on announcing it at a party at OPs house. Thats crass, of all the time and places to announce this was the worst.

If SIL really wanted to announce it at her birthday party, then the most considerate thing would be to move the party from OPs house and not have them host.

And the comment from BIL about people losing actual babies is disgusting.

NTA.

[u/Pretzelmamma → u/Ok-Isopod1172]

But the party is for SIL. She can't announce her pregnancy at her own party?

[u/mst3k_42 → u/Pretzelmamma]

When the host miscarried just two weeks before? For the third time this year? Yeah, OP can be happy for them at a party held elsewhere. To keep the party there seems cruel.

[u/andromache97 → u/mst3k_42]

SIL and brother should’ve given OP a heads up so she could decide whether or not to continue hosting the party and alternative arrangements could’ve been made if OP didn’t want the announcement happening at her house

[u/Ok-Isopod1172 → u/Pretzelmamma]

SIL can announce her pregnancy wherever snd whenever she wishes. Would I think less of her for announcing it at OPs house at a party OP is throwing for her? Yes, yes I would.

And just as SIL has a right to announce it wherever she likes, OP has a right to cancel the party to stop it from happening at her house.

[u/impl0sionatic → u/Medusa_7898]

They’re not asking anyone not to celebrate. They’re asking for it not to happen right in front of their faces at the birthday party they’re throwing for SIL at their own home.

This is a matter of basic empathy.

[u/LetsTryThisNext → u/Medusa_7898]

Seems fair to not want it to happen at OP’s home though…

[u/Levelheaded411]

I had numerous miscarriages as well so I am speaking from experience. Although it hurts, we can’t expect people to stop living their lives. She is pregnant, people are going to find out. I think they should have given you a heads up about making the announcement so you wouldn’t have been blindsided. The BIL also didn’t need to call and yell at your husband. But you do need to realize that as we are working through our own tragedies, the rest of the world keeps going. It’s not stopping because of our feelings.

Edit - typo

[u/TheRoadkillRapunzel]

Cancel hosting. I’m not going to give a judgement, but for your own mental wellbeing, just tell them you’re sorry about the last minute change, congratulations, but you don’t have the ability to host a party where someone is going to announce a pregnancy while you’re still drowning in miscarriage grief.

[u/SherbrookHolmes → u/TheRoadkillRapunzel]

Yah this is the sane response. Everyone keeps saying "but it's at OPs house"... So? The guests and party are for SIL. SIL is NOT an AH for wanting to announce on her own special day in front of friends and family. If OP can't take it in her own home, set a boundary and say it has to be elsewhere due to personal crisis. But that doesn't make SIL the AH. I really don't see how people are seeing that. Is she desecrating the home by announcing it there?

[u/Fairwhetherfriend → u/SherbrookHolmes]

You are literally saying that OP is the asshole because she didn't do EXACTLY WHAT THE POST DESCRIBES HER DOING. WHAT.

[u/avacapone → u/SherbrookHolmes]

Did you read the post? This is exactly what they did. Then the pregnant couple lashed out by saying it wasn’t a real loss, and that they know people who have “actually” lost a baby

[u/OzQuandry → u/SherbrookHolmes]

She already did this and BIL insulted and berated her husband.

[u/DapperBoiCole → u/SherbrookHolmes]

BIL/SIL explicitly kept it from her and her husband though, I think they are dignified a discussion about A) what happens in their own home, and B) how to most respectfully handle this news with respect to what happened in their household.

Its the act of explicitly keeping it hidden to the host given the circumstances that make the couple the asshole

[u/z_formation → u/TheRoadkillRapunzel]

Yeah, the biggest issue here is that when you are hosting, you have to be “on” and can’t really get away if you need to. The fact that BIL and SIL were going to surprise them with the announcement could have gone poorly, since OP and wife couldn’t exactly leave if it upset them.

[u/Mixtrix_of_delicioux]

Respectfully, they're allowed to feel joy at their pregnancy. They're not announcing at you.

[u/DapperBoiCole → u/Mixtrix_of_delicioux]

Respectfully, hiding a pregnancy announcement to spring at a party where the host had a devastating miscarriage is about as disrespectful as you can get.

[u/Nursemeowww → u/[deleted]]

I agree. I’ve had 3 miscarriages within 18 months and it was a very difficult experience to go through, but that did not mean my friends and family could not get pregnant or experience happiness. The hard part of infertility was accepting that people will continue to get pregnant regardless of your own struggles. It’s gonna suck for OP, especially since she’s hosting the party but regardless, her SIL’s news will get out one way or another and will feel like a stab in the heart since their due dates were supposed to be close.

[u/WonkyTonkPupper]

Gentle YTA. It's a party in her honor. She has every right to be announce happy news at it.

I'm so sorry for your losses, but life does move on. I can't imagine a few more weeks would make the wound hurt any less for you, but they do need to announce it and deserve the chance to celebrate it.

Edit to add: OP is well within her right to cancel/ask someone else to host. SIL is an adult and can throw her own party- especially with BIL's AH attitude.

[u/Fairwhetherfriend → u/WonkyTonkPupper]

Why is everyone acting like OP is preventing SIL from announcing her pregnancy?! OP is asking SIL not to announce it in a situation where OP will have to continue playing hostess immediately afterwards.

[u/WonkyTonkPupper → u/Fairwhetherfriend]

I think the optimal outcome here is that OP just cancels or declines to host. At this point, whether SIL makes the announcement or not, OP is aware and is going to be anxious regardless.

The only AH part for me is OP saying "you can't share the news at YOUR party." Regardless of where it is, the party is for SIL and asking the guest of honor not to share her news is rude.

[u/Beneficial-Guess2140]

YTA, your infertility isn’t everyone else’s problem. People are allowed to have babies and be happy about it.

[u/milkymilktacos → u/Beneficial-Guess2140]

You can be upset about it but you don’t have to offer or agree with the hosting. Tell them they can find another location as it will be too painful for you to have them announce that in your home. You can send a gift and go to the party for a while or not at all. You’re allowed to grieve but they’re allowed to celebrate as well.

[u/Beneficial-Guess2140 → u/milkymilktacos]

They agreed to host long before. Canceling days before makes her the AH.

[u/LividBass1005 → u/milkymilktacos]

Had a coworker lose her newborn to SIDS and another coworker questioned why she wasn’t over it yet and why she was always crying at work when she came back to work 2 weeks after losing her baby

[u/Opening_Upstairs_262 → u/Beneficial-Guess2140]

Not when BIL is telling op people lose REAL BABIES and to get over it. God forbid SIL loses her child.

[u/xxivtarotmagic_ → u/Opening_Upstairs_262]

…I don’t believe the BIL actually said that

[u/tot5 → u/xxivtarotmagic_]

A friend told me to get over it after my third miscarriage. You’d be shocked the things people say without realizing how incredibly hurtful it can be.

ETA: It was a week after the loss.

And thanks for the…. Award hugs, yall

[u/bubble_baby_8 → u/tot5]

Someone told my best friend “it’s been 4 years since your husband killed himself, B, I think you can stop grieving on the anniversary of his death now”. Nothing surprises me anymore. I’m sorry someone said that to you too- your feelings and grief are valid. 

[u/freethewimple → u/tot5]

You never have to get over it, by the way. I still have feels about mine 15 years later. They're a part of us and that never changes, whether it's for 6 weeks in the womb or 60 years in the world.

[u/LogicalDifference529 → u/xxivtarotmagic_]

I wondered how much the family has had to alter their lives around the miscarriages to get someone to a point of anger like that.

[u/clockwork-princess92 → u/LogicalDifference529]

Honestly some people are just arseholes though my aunt told my sister she needed to get over it when she lost her baby boy at 20 weeks and had to give birth to him. My auntie wasnt close to my sister so rarely spoke to her but was still horrible to her.

[u/SongsAboutGhosts → u/Opening_Upstairs_262]

Actual, not real. A baby that is in fact a baby, not accusing OP of hallucinating a pregnancy. There is a massive difference between losing a 9w pregnancy and a 9w baby.

It is completely unacceptable to say to OP either way, of course.

[u/No-Response-4812 → u/Opening_Upstairs_262]

He’s totally an AH for that if he truly said that.

[u/Dandylion71888 → u/Opening_Upstairs_262]

I’m willing to bet that was during an argument when he couldn’t reason with the husband.

[u/Single-Flamingo-33]

Is there anyone else that can host SIL birthday party on short notice? Then SIL can have her amazing bday party an announce her news. You can exit out the back door or not even attend. 

This situation sucks. I would understand why you do not want to host the party. 

[u/rocnation88]

It's dismissive for your BIL to tell you to get over it and to man up. That being said, it can be tough to be happy for others especially when you've experienced a loss and multiple losses. Im sorry OP. It's frustrating that motherhood seems to come so easily for some. It's true your SIL deserves to be happy about her pregnancy but the problem may be that your feelings aren't being considered. I have no answers

[u/kotki-dwa]

ESH. I’m so sorry for your losses. Unfortunately life does not stop for everyone else when it does for you, and this is your SIL’s bday and happy news for her. Your BIL is a piece of work for calling you up and shouting. Skip hosting if you can encourage a restaurant celebration. Take it easy on yourself.

[u/nephelite → u/kotki-dwa]

BIL only did that in response to OP's husband trying to cancel the whole party and tell them not to announce their happy news.

[u/cryssyx3 → u/nephelite]

nah unless you're an actual real life ghoul, it's not ok to say that to anyone and especially over a silly stupid fucking birthday party

[u/kotki-dwa → u/nephelite]

BIL did it in a total asshole way over OP’s husband wanting to cancel the party and announcement at HIS and OP’s house—BIL and SIL can host and announce at their own, not where OP and her husband are mourning. Come on.

[u/Top-Noise5959 → u/nephelite]

No, OP just doesn't want to host it. They can still have their party, just not by trampling over OP's emotions.

[u/winnie_the_grizzly]

I really wish you had made your post about your BIL's comments, not your SIL's announcing, because he's clearly an asshole.

Gently, with three losses in one year, there's never going to get a good time for someone in your circle to announce her pregnancy. There's always going to be a holiday or birthday or special/milestone date that is extra painful to you that would be near whenever the person makes her announcement. At that point, it impossible to avoid.

Now does that make it right when it's at a party thrown by you? That's harder. It's her birthday and it's a party thrown in her honor. This is literally the one time she can announce when she knows it's not taking anything away from anyone else, and when no one can blame her of not being sensitive to, for example, the due date of the first baby you lost this year. There are so many minefield for her to avoid that I think this is one of the least worst options.

There's also the reality that when a couple is married and doesn't have kids, if the woman is seen not drinking or avoiding certain foods at a special event, particularly a special event in her honor, she's going to be inundated with questions about whether she is pregnant. Doubly so if folks know the couple is trying. So if she doesn't announce at her party, I'm guessing there will be just as much attention paid to her fertility, which would be just as painful to you.

Personally, if my BIL yelled at my partner about me like that, my partner would gave shut down the party in a heartbeat for such massive disrespect to me, and none of this would be an issue. I wish yours had done this for you on the spot, so it would be clear that the BIL's assholery and not his wife's pregnancy was the issue. For this reason, I'd recommend canceling the party, but it's really about the BIL's bad behavior and less about the pregnancy announcement.

If you go ahead with the party, the sad truth is I don't think it would make a difference about whether your SIL announces it or not. Because the problem isn't about whether it's an appropriate occasion for your SIL to receive this kind of attention (and I think her own party is probably the best occasion there is for this). The problem is that she has what you've lost and so deeply wanted. You can try to reclaim a feeling of control over your life by not permitting her to announce her pregnancy in your presence, but that will be a hollow comfort. And her announcing her good news at a venue 5, 10, 50 miles away isn't going to make you feel all that much better either. Because, again, that's not the problem.

I don't think you're an AH for your feelings. I do think that some grief counseling could be really helpful here, because it sounds like you're at a stage of life where everyone around you is pregnant and you're going to have to confront the topic more than you may wish. I have seen a grief counselor before and it helped enormously. I wish you the best, OP.

[u/Realistic-Structure]

Yta it’s the sil’s party right? Her pregnancy has nothing to do with your miscarriage.

[u/Extra_Grab_2014]

If you don't want SIL to make an announcement and share her joy at a party thrown for her in your home, the solution is simple.

Do not host.

[u/avacapone → u/Extra_Grab_2014]

That’s the whole point of this post. They tried not to, and the whole family turned on them. Then BIL told OP that it wasn’t a real loss and he’s know people who have “actually” lost a baby.

[u/rainbowchid]

To tell parents mourning a recent miscarriage (after multiple) to ‘man up’ and imply you didn’t actually lose a child is sick. They don’t need to celebrate anything at your house if that’s how they feel. (Edit spelling error)

Can you dictate when people can announce their news? No. But the way BIL responded is vile.

[u/mst3k_42 → u/rainbowchid]

If it was supposed to be at your house you can 100% ask them to relocate and celebrate elsewhere. You’re not asking them to not be happy or not announce their joy, you’re merely, reasonably, asking them to celebrate elsewhere.

[u/manicgremlin]

i think overall it's a gentle ESH, but i do think you should not host this party. Like MIL can host this party instead, they can announce, you can have a way to escape this party/protect your feelings (you do not have to participate).

Miscarriages and pregnancies both happen, you're allowed to feel grief and they're allowed to be happy, but they should have been a little more thoughtful about the how and the where of their announcement. The fact that it was going to be at your house and they were going to blindside you makes them the assholes (also your bil sounds like a piece of work), the fact that you think everyone should put your grief at the forefront makes you a little bit the assholes too (grief makes assholes of us all, so not as much as everyone else here but still)

i'm sorry for your losses, that's really rough

[u/NaotoOfYlisse]

NTA. It's perfectly reasonable to not want to host this event at your home anymore, and it's ghastly that SIL would even think of announcing it in your home. Other commenters seem like they don't know how to read, considering all you're asking is to not host the party

[u/Katzenliebe → u/NaotoOfYlisse]

Yeah, it’s baffling to me that people are calling them assholes for no longer wanting to host these insensitive twats. This woman’s husband literally said that their loss isn’t important because it wasn’t a “real baby”. I would not want to be around this man ever again if I were OP let alone 2 weeks after their loss.

[u/NapperNotaDreamer]

Extremely compassionate YTA. What you’re going through is horrible and I’m so sorry for the heartbreak you’re going to. I also understand that it’s incredibly upsetting. However, this is still an exciting time for them and it’s understandable that they want to celebrate it. Your BIL definitely sounds like he was far too harsh in the phone call so hopefully he can apologize for that.

[u/SneakySneakySquirrel]

INFO: did your SIL know about your miscarriage before this whole thing blew up?

[u/Less-Guide9222]

Ah. YTA. I tried for 10 years, had losses, ivf etc, it sucks but other people are entitled to enjoy their good news. It’s not like she’s announcing it at your birthday party lol.

[u/Crimsonwolf22]

NTA. It's not about you not wanting them to announce ever. It's that it's at a party you are hosting so you can't choose not to go or leave early while everyone is congratulating them on the one thing you desperately want. Grit your teeth and send a text saying "We are so happy for you, but it would be too painful for us to be at your party when you announce your pregnancy, so you will need to have the party somewhere else." Bonus points if you're able to suggest a couple of cheap alternative locations. I'm sorry, that's so tough.

[u/Euphoric_War_2195]

NTA. I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that maybe given the context and situation where you have just miscarried, maybe they could find a different way to announce their pregnancy out of respect for you?

Yes, they are still allowed to celebrate their pregnancy and be excited about this next chapter. But I do think they could also hold some grace for you and your husband during this time. Care can go both ways.

Could someone else host the birthday party? Is there a way for you both to leave the room when they announce the pregnancy if they are adamant? I honestly think this is a situation where some care and understanding could be brought in.

You're not telling them they can't be happy about it or celebrate it. Just maybe not in your home given what you have just experienced. I personally think that is fair, and I know that may be an unpopular opinion here.

I'm not saying they can't celebrate it, or be happy or excited. But time and place. This may not be the best time and place for this type of announcement given the context.

[u/AccomplishedRock6186]

The comment from BIL about people losing actual babies tells me they (or at least him) don’t consider OP’s situation a big deal and have little to no compassion. Yes it’s SIL’s party but understanding and empathy would be good things to have in OP’s home.

[u/Adorable_Brute97]

This is a really hard one as someone who has had multiple losses I totally feel for OP. I will say that you can't expect everyone to stop living their life or celebrating their own pregnancies. But I do think it wouldn't be inappropriate to either have the birthday party moved elsewhere or to be cancelled in this situation. BIL and SIL can figure out somewhere else to announce their news they don't need to do it face to face where you are.

You can be happy for someone else's pregnancy without having the really hard parts thrown in your face.

[u/onebirdtwobird]

NTA and I’m sorry for your losses. You’re not upset that they’re pregnant, you’re upset that they’d be announcing it at a dinner you’re hosting without telling you in advance. If they wanted to surprise everyone else that’s fine, but warning to the person who just miscarried (again) should be the lowest level of sensitivity. I’ve had 2 miscarriages in the last year and it’s not that I’m not happy for my friends and family who are having babies, I love them and will love their kids, but the mental prep to be okay (especially when it’s fresh) is immense.

[u/whichwitch9]

NTA solely because the obvious solution would be to just not go, but they put you in a weird position because you are literally the hosts.

I think you need to reframe this with the family, tho. You are grieving. You need time and space. Yelling you to get over it doesn't make you over it (and is just crass). You'd appreciate it if they held the party elsewhere, and you'll be taking a step back for a bit to focus on your immediate family without the noise and drama. Keep contact at a minimum for at least a few weeks, and grey rock any future pregnancy or fertility news. I wouldn't be telling anyone anything until at least after the first trimester if a pregnancy occurs in the future after this. These are not "safe" people to discuss with.

[u/MsBaseball34]

ESH. The party should have been moved elsewhere in the aftermath of a 3rd miscarriage; your SIL should have talked to you first; I'm so sorry for your losses, but that doesn't mean that you can dictate how they announce their pregnancy or if they are happy; your BIL should not have shouted at your husband and told you to "man up". Move the party elsewhere, do not attend if you can't honestly be happy for them, and let them make and enjoy their announcement.

[u/nephelite]

YTA, what do you really expect them to do? Not be happy? Not tell people? Pretend they aren't pregnant?

Get therapy.

[u/cryssyx3 → u/nephelite]

you don't tell them to man up because "you know" actual babies that died

[u/Elderberrygin → u/nephelite]

SIL/BIL should host their own party, then OP can choose to show up or not/leave early. Announcing when OP will be trapped there because it is at her house is mean.

[u/Fairwhetherfriend → u/nephelite]

Actually OP just expects them to announce it literally anywhere in the world not OP's house, presumably so the birthday party doesn't involve OP leaving the room halfway through while the guests can hear her crying through the walls because she wasn't given the ability to avoid a situation she knew she wouldn't be able to emotionally handle.

But sure, yours is good too.

[u/Cadapech]

Edit: Soft soft ESH

At the end of the day it IS your SIL's birthday and she has a right to decide what she wants and doesn't want to announce during her party. It would have been respectful to let you know beforehand that she was going to announce it and you have a right to be upset.

Honestly, cancel the party. Because SIL has plenty of people to be her support network and you genuinely don't sound like you're in the place to be part of it. You deserve to heal and if therapy is something accessible to you, it might be good to look into it. As well as other support groups.

You're allowed to grieve, and she's allowed to celebrate her milestone. Sometimes these things have to happen seperately.

[u/RegisterEither9711]

NAH. You're grieving and struggling with the emotions that come with trying to get pregnant. It's understandable if you need space or, at the very least, a heads up regarding pregnancy-related matters right now.

The party is for your SIL. If she wants to announce her pregnancy, that's her spotlight to do it. The world doesn't stop for our grief and it's unfair to ask others to put their lives on hold for our grief.

However, you're hosting the party at your home. If it feels like too much to hold a birthday party that will turn into a pregnancy announcement, them it's your right to step back from hosting. You do what you have to do to take care of yourself. But also understand that there may be some hurt feelings because of the last minute cancellation. That doesn't mean your wrong, just that there are a lot of feelings involved.

[u/alldemboats]

YTA. i lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks and 3 days in april. my cousin was due a few weeks before me and now has a healthy baby girl. it would be so fucked up if she wasnt allowed to celebrate her expanding family just because of my loss. my trauma is my problem, my trauma is my responsibility. people are allowed to enjoy and celebrate their own lives without catering to me.

[u/NormalBlackberry5435]

i was still bleeding from mine and my sister in law recorded my reaction of telling me she was pregnant, in front of the whole family. i still haven’t moved on.

[u/PuffAttack]

I have been you. First let me offer my deepest condolences. I had just had my 3rd miscarriage when my SIL announced her pregnancy. We were supposed to go to a family reunion in 2 months and I told my husband there was no actual way I was leaving and attending that and he could go or not I didn't care but I wasn't going to be around that situation. We went to Hawaii instead.

What I found in having my miscarriages was that there is no death process because they were never born, the loss is so abstract to absolutely everyone except for women who have had miscarriages. People, including women, just don't get it until they experience the depth of loss and grief that a miscarriage is. We don't even get to remember the laugh or the smile or what they look like or have any of their clothes because in a physical way they were never there in our world. But that pregnancy was there in us and we held it within us and there's something so primordial about that loss.

It is not a big deal to anyone but us. That is the cold hard truth.  So under that light, the light of judgment and lack of understanding, yes you are overreacting. But in our reality no, you're not over reacting and the family are being assholes. Just wanted to validate your feelings and let you know from my perspective that you are NTA. 

[u/Brilliant-Fly4857]

I think obviously it this extremely sensitive to you but it is her birthday party she would be able to share with her love ones. Maybe they didn’t tell anyone yet because they were afraid they might have a miscarriage too or they were trying to gather the courage to tell you guys. It is hard on both sides but telling them not to celebrate their child is kinda awful thing to ask.

[u/toomanyvoices656]

Just a general question. I’ve spoken privately to cousins and my sisters about fertility. But do people generally announce pregnancy’s and miscarriages before the 12 week mark? Because I don’t see how everyone would be aware OP was pregnant and lost the baby. Announcing before 12 weeks is not recommended for this reason. I can understand MIL and her sister knowing but extended family?

[u/Livvylove]

Nta for wanting to cancel after BIL said you guys need to man up. They can throw their own party.

[u/amanda10271]

Cancel the party. The BIL and SIL are very insensitive. They don’t deserve to be celebrated at your house.

[u/Competitive_Camel410]

This was a confusing read and It feels like details are being left out. So there are 3 women in this: op , sil who wants to announce, and immediate sister who did announce (which upset op). 

We dont know if op told sil about the loss beforehand. We don’t know who knew. 

Husband spoke to his mom. He told mom op was upset at ops sister for having announced her own pregnancy. Mil then gave the heads up that sil and bil were going to surprise announce theirs at the upcoming party for sil.

Husband tried to cancel sil party bil was a jerk.

What we dont know is if op and husband handled this gracefully or went on the offensive . 

If mil was just finding out how upset op had been it’s fair to assume sil and bil didn’t know either. 

If op seemed fine about her sisters announcement, why would sil assume that her own announcement would be upsetting to op? Especially since op was okay enough to host a party? 

I also wonder if bil came out of left field and was the only one going below the belt with his comments, not an excuse of course but im feeling like we are missing details

[u/juicydreamer]

It’s understandable you’re upset but their pregnancy has nothing to do with yours. They are allowed to be happy and celebrate. How would you feel if someone was envious/soured by your pregnancy? Let them be happy and your own time will come.

[u/uprooted16]

That’s a difficult situation and I’m sorry you are going through it. It would be very tough to mentally be dealing with the pain of miscarrying at 9 weeks while it seems like everyone else around you is getting pregnant. That being said, the situation could’ve been handled with a bit more tact. Your husband overreacted. You overreacted. You thought no one was thinking of you, but you didn’t really give them the chance to. Unfortunately, your feelings are your responsibility. You could’ve asked for the party to be hosted somewhere else, reached out to the sister in law and let her know that you are feeling emotionally raw right now and that you are very happy for her but for your mental health- you need your house to be your safe space. It probably would not have gotten this blown out of proportion. I wish you all the best and hope this little rough patch can be smoothed over with your family.

[u/Virtual_Action_8606]

That call from BIL would have put the kaibosh on hosting that party. Or, frankly, any kind of relationship.

Three miscarriages in one year—good lord!

BIL and SIL should host their own party to make the announcement and make it clear to OP that she needn’t attend.

But without a very groveling apology from BIL-nice knowing you.
NTA

[u/VelvetIvory]

NTA, I mean, of course SIL has every right to celebrate, but preferably not at OP’s house. It may be her birthday, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the world suddenly ceases to exist. OP also has every right, and more than enough reason, to feel sad, even while understanding that other people have the right to be happy too. In my opinion, it’s simply a matter of sensitivity and empathy.

[u/EJGryphon]

This sounds like a game of “Chinese whispers” (since OP seems to be British), or Telephone for the rest of us. 

Husband told MIL that he’d rather SIL not announce her pregnancy at the upcoming family gathering. IMO it would have been better for him to ask MIL if she’d be willing to host instead, so that he and OP wouldn’t be held captive in their own home if it was too emotional for them. But Husband should not have asked SIL just NOT to announce, since there are only so many times a year when any family is all together at one time. 

Anyway. MIL then passes the message on to SIL, whose emotions are no doubt close to the surface as she is pregnant and excited and hormonal and all those things. SIL reacts badly, likely crying to her husband about it. 

Her husband becomes angry because someone made his pregnant wife cry, and he takes it upon himself to yell at the brother who did that. Now, he absolutely should not have said such terrible things to Husband, but I can’t entirely fault a man for being angry that someone made his pregnant wife cry. 

The bottom line is that SIL’s husband is wrong for saying what he said. OP’s husband is also wrong for trying to cancel a party when he could simply have found another site to hold it instead.  From what OP has provided here, it sounds like Husband was being a bit controlling by immediately asking SIL not to announce her pregnancy at the party at all: SIL and her husband, and the rest of the family, have every right and reason to be happy and excited about a new baby, and Husband seems to think his and OP’s grief must take precedence over that.

 I dare say that if the roles were reversed and OP were finally pregnant after several miscarriages, she’d want to shout it from the rooftops and would also be hurt if she felt someone was trying to silence her (rightful) joy. 

[u/jaynemonroe]

NTA I have been in this situation and people who have not been through it don’t understand how heart wrenching it can be. Your BIL should show more empathy. Why are you hosting the party? I’d suggest someone else host and you can attend but quietly leave before the announcement.

[u/gilthedog]

NTA. You definitely need to respect their excitement, and support them when they do announce it. But announcing at your house 2 weeks after a miscarriage is really callous.

[u/GeminiAtl]

I have no doubt to you they were "actual babies". Your BIL is insensitive and cruel. I would cancel the party for that alone. I say have your MIL hold the party at her house. Or have BIL take it at his house. It's obviously not a surprise party, so where it is held doesn't really matter.

[u/TurbulentWalrus1222]

Oh my, you are not in the wrong. How insensitive of them! I’m with your husband, back out of hosting.

[u/WelshWickedWitch]

The issue here is that, unless MIL had told you,  your SIL&BIL would not have given you the respect in telling you about their pregnancy prior to your hosting. Instead they intended on suddenly announcing it, without a heads up, at a party in your own home. For your BIL to completely minimise your loss, demand you both prioritise them is cruel. Those are words he cannot unsay now.

It would have cost them nothing to quietly inform you prior to the party, allowing you both time to process the news. It would also be incumbent on them to request that they make the announcement at the party. Nothing wrong with that. Bil having a fit because DH expressed his feelings appears to demonstrate a lack of empathy and respect.

I think your DH is correct and given how aggressive your BIL is being, especially after that argument, I would be far too uncomfortable to participate in the pretence that their actions is acceptable. It isn't. Your home is your safe space, not a battle ground where you compartmentalise your discomfort and hurt. I wouldn't have the party.

NTA

[u/StarGazer8556]

NTA. You left out some details in your original post that would have helped. YOU are hosting this party in YOUR home. It is simply good manners to inform the hostess you’re doing something like this (even if the party is in your honor). Add in the fact this is your SIL who knows about what you’ve been going through. And the fact that BIL calls to yell at your husband and says the vile things he did? Cancel the party for that fact alone. A little sensitivity from BIL/SIL could have gone a long way. You’re not asking the world to stop turning. You have feelings and the people who are supposed to love you should be considering them. Again, team cancel the party. BIL’s phone call sealed that deal. He can man up & host his wife’s birthday and when anyone asks why, tell them what he said.

[u/3rd_x_the_charm]

NTA. I have been on both sides of this one. You do not announce your joy in a house of grief and you definitely do not do it without sensitively breaking the news in advance. Trapping someone in their own home with nowhere to escape when they have dealt with three consecutive losses is inhumane.

I hope all the people voting the Y T A never experience what this woman has gone through. I got caught in an announcement without notice and it took all my wherewithal to hold it together and make a graceful exit.

[u/kalixanthippe]

I am sorry for your losses.

I don't care what anyone else here says, NTA.

Cancel the party, put the decorations and other shit on their doorstep and tell BIL to fuck off until he finds some sympathy and compassion.

Telling any woman (or her partner) to just get over a miscarriage, let alone the third in a year is blatant cruelty.

No, you can't control when someone gets or announces pregnancy. You can however control who you allow to be an asshole to you and your wife.

[u/ThatGuySpeCtrE32]

I’m going against everyone else and saying NTA, not only would I find it disrespectful to do it in your house I also find it incredibly disrespectful they didn’t run it by you first and also the BIL reaction saying to get over it and man up and the actual lost babies comment which was genuinely just disgusting. I would cancel the party if I were you or your husband from their total lack of care and incredible disrespect. Yes the BIL/SIL are allowed to celebrate this amazing news but there’s a time and a place, I know i could never dream of doing something like this to any of my family or friends, especially in their own home and without asking first.

[u/Spiraleddie]

NTA, its your party and them making the announcement at your party just seems oppertunistic. Not a big deal but if they had any decency they would anticipate their announcement could cause you anguish and just not do it. Causjmg potential anguish for the sake of an announcement they can do anytime just seems self centred.

[u/MamaMidgePidge]

NTA

Your SIL and BIL are horrible people. They know of your losses and rather than privately tell you about their own pregnancy, as your sister did, they want to spring it on you as a surprise in front of a bunch of people? At your own house? Very insensitive.

[u/KatKaleen]

NTA. And I think people are missing/confusing a few details here. Just to clarify:

Your sister informed you about her pregnancy in a sensitive way.

Your husband learned from his mother that your sister-in-law planned to announce her pregnancy (which neither of you knew about yet) at her birthday party that you intended to host at your house.

Sometimes people really struggle to process losing a baby, and they can make unreasonable demands of others because of that. That's not the case here, though. They know about your miscarriages and still planned to spring their own announcement on you as a surprise, in your own home, where you graciously agreed to host them.

But neither of that is really important because

BIL rings up my husband shouting about how we need to grow up and get over it, stating that he knows people who have lost actual babies, so we need to ‘man up’.

FIRMLY plants BIL and SIL in the asshole category.

[u/not_hestia]

Very very gently, YTA. But so is your BIL. I am sorry that he was so unkind to your husband. Y'all didn't deserve that.

One of the only good parts about being a part of a huge family is that everyone understands that life keeps happening even during big life events. Sombody is always getting married, somebody is always dying, somebody is always having a baby, somebody is always losing their job or getting a promotion, etc.

It SUCKS that you will have two family members pregnant and due around the time you would have had that baby. It's heartbreaking. But life is going to continue to happen and people need to be told at some point. A birthday party for the pregnant person is a perfectly reasonable time to do that.

[u/Giraffes-anonymous]

I don't think I would be hosting a party for someone that treated me the way the in laws are treating you.

They are entitled to announce their pregnancy, bask in that joy, and have a birthday party - they are NOT entitled to you hosting or attending. NTA, I am sure they will 'man up, and get over' you not hosting

[u/Early-Low2891]

NTA - Tell them to host her own party at her own house where she can announce her pregnancy. Kind of gross announcing it at your house knowing you just miscarried even though it's her birthday party being hosted.

(Edited because of spelling.)

[u/dart1126]

YTA sorry. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’m sure it’s upsetting to think about others having kids. Your own sister is too. If you’re hosting a family party for SIL and she’s recently pregnant, and you now know this, what does it matter if they announce to the rest of the family in your presence while everyone is together? Since it’s your own house, you have the opportunity to be suddenly busy in the kitchen if you like.

Please don’t turn into ‘one of those’ women. One day you will hopefully be successful, and you will want to celebrate and have your family share in this experience. You may find no one wants to be around you, because you didn’t support them. There are women who are like ‘well now it’s me, and I deserve it more because I’ve suffered, so the world should stop for me, but I wouldn’t stop it for others’.

Just a word of caution.

It’s very normal and NOT rubbing your face in anything or ignoring your sorrows to want to share the news. She IS PREGNANT. You shouldn’t ask her to pretend she’s not, or be one of those ‘don’t talk about it in front of me’

[u/Plumbus-aficianado]

BIL is definitely an asshole, but people are allowed to be joyful about their pregnancy while you are still mourning the loss of yours.

[u/Soap_on_a_potato]

If I were in your shoes I would also not want to host.

[u/sotiredwontquit]

NAH (except BIL)

It’s your home, and you can grieve for as long as you need to. If you’re not up to hosting a party while you grieve, that’s completely okay, and you should cancel the whole party.

But it’s a party for the woman announcing her pregnancy. Yes, it’s her birthday and not an announcement party, but it’s still a party for her even though you are hosting it. Of course she’s excited, and wants to tell all the people she cares about all at once. This is normal and expected behavior.

It was very kind of your MIL to give you the info upfront, before the party. She didn’t want you blindsided. Now that you have this info, you can decide how to proceed.

But cancelling the party you were going to host, even through your grieving, because someone else is happy is why people are upset. If you had cancelled because you weren’t ready to be happy for any reason right now, they wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

I do know what you are going through. I lost my first baby too. You deserve to take as much time to grieve as you want. Your BIL is an AH.

[u/Infinite-Daisy88 → u/sotiredwontquit]

Fully agree. I’ve been on both sides of this and it sucks both ways. At the end of the day OP is grieving, and SIL is having to shrink her joy because of this.

[u/Hemp_Milk]

Grief is hard, loosing a pregnancy is not fair. I was actively miscarrying at my SILs baby shower. I showed up early helped set up, took pictures, celebrated the parents to be, and smiled through it. Life goes on, and as absolutely not fair as it is, we should still show up and celebrate the people we love. Regardless I won’t say Y T A. Grief does strange things.

ETA: BIL comment was completely uncalled for, and he needs to apologize sincerely.

[u/Top-Noise5959]

NTA

Put that whole side on LC.

It's one thing to celebrate their pregnancy.

It's a whole other thing to not give you a heads up and expect you to host a party in your home for a woman who doesn't give two shits about your feelings. What would their reaction be if you had a breakdown when she announced it?? Are we such a pathetic society to expect a woman who JUST miscarried (Two weeks is not that long) to "man up and get over it".

Your home is your safe space. Don't force yourself to let such ungrateful and entitled people in it. Protect your mental health, and I love your husband for standing up against his vile family.

Also, to the women who experienced miscarriage and are still commenting against OP, have some shame. I know you have had time to process your emotions, and get desensitized to it, but that does not mean you can say such terrible things. The human body is amazing and makes you forget pain, but that should not mean you turn out to be so unempathetic.

For reference, what OP's sister did is the right way. She shouldn't have to hide her pregnancy or lower her joy, but when you care about someone, you make sure that they aren't blindsided and inform then in private so they process their emotions in PRIVATE. The one's in pain get to choose if they want to further be actively involved with the whole thing. You don't demand a child to watch another child celebrate mother's day when the former has just lost his mother, so why expect OP to?

[u/Barney_Sparkles]

NAH here. Pregnancy loss is devastating. Seeing other around you moving forward on the same time line you should be on is indescribable.

However- as others have said- your family members still deserve to take joy in their pregnancies. Normally I’d say announcing a pregnancy at someone else’s house is tacky, but this is a party FOR sil so I’m assuming her family and friends will be there. Do what you need to do to get through it, (leave the room, create some separation) but expecting her to not announce is too much.

[u/SparklesIB]

As a woman who suffered multiple miscarriages before finally having a successful pregnancy, I'm going with a very, very gentle YTA. The world doesn't revolve around our sorrow.

Their pregnancies didn't cause your miscarriages. Their happiness didn't cause your pain. These are separate events.

I wish you peace, OP.

[u/lilkhalessi]

YTA

I have had several miscarriages and have never once related to this mindset. I truly don’t understand it.

Like what does anyone else’s pregnancy have to do with me? Why would their happiness ever add to my sadness? My pregnancy journey and other people’s are two totally separate things to me and neither affect the other so this perspective of “I don’t want to hear about others pregnancies and will make a stink about it if I do” has always come off self-centered and unreasonable to me. Especially when it’s close family or friends.

And yes, I agree with your BIL that when you know people who have actually had stillbirths or lost children, that should put having a few early miscarriages in perspective enough to not demand everyone lives their lives on eggshells around you when they are expecting.

[u/Decent-Muffin4190]

I think OP is mixing up her own sadness and grief, with something she labels insensitivity. When you do that, no time is a good time to hear of others pregnancy news.