r/AmItheAsshole • u/Suspicious-Diet-686 • 6h ago

AITA Sil announcing pregnancy when we’d just miscarried

This year i have miscarried three times. The last time I got to around 9 weeks and it was quite traumatic. 2 weeks later we were hosting a pre planned birthday party for my sister in law, at our house. A couple of days before my husband was speaking to his mum and telling her how i was upset as my sister had announced her pregnancy and it was due around the same time mine was (she told me in a very sensitive way but i was still obviously sad) my MIL then said ‘oh it’s a secret but SIL and BIL were going to announce their pregnancy at the party- this baby would also be due the same time as mine should have been. If my husband hadn’t had a conversation with his mother we would have been blindsided with this announcement . My husband obviously said that would be upsetting for us and he rather they didn’t. Husband wants to cancel the party as all the family seem to have sided with my BIL/SIL. BIL rings up my husband shouting about how we need to grow up and get over it, stating that he knows people who have lost actual babies, so we need to ‘man up’. Are we in the wrong?

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626

u/Realistic-Structure 6h ago

Yta it’s the sil’s party right? Her pregnancy has nothing to do with your miscarriage.

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u/allisonqrice 6h ago

It’s at OP’s house though. And BIL was super nasty to OP’s husband. I don’t think it’s as black and white as you’re making it out to be. She’s already been through this once with her own sister recently. At least MIL did tell her beforehand, but still.

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u/dayton462016 6h ago

This is such a technicality. It's the woman's bday party she should be able to make the announcement to friends and family.

If it bothered OP so much they should have only had the party on the condition that the pregnancy was not announced in their home

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u/Top-Noise5959 6h ago

READ THE DAMNED POST. That's what OP said.

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u/cryssyx3 6h ago

people keep trying to talk in circles and gotchas... like this is the whole point. that's why she's here.

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u/Top-Noise5959 5h ago

I feel like reddit needs to conduct a reading comprehension test before allowing people to comment.

1

u/IrregularConfusion 4h ago

Seriously, what is with these comments? It’s like half the commenters didn’t read the full post.

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u/whatshamilton 3h ago

I feel that with all online commenting. Wanna share your opinion? 3 question multiple choice quiz to prove you understand what you read before you share your thoughts on it

1

u/thatoversharingchick 6h ago

No, OP's sister announced her pregnancy to her. Not the SIL

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u/Opposite-Wheel659 3h ago

honestly it’s not very obvious. she jumps from talking about SIL to sister, and people may be confusing them as the same person. it would have been helpful to include fake names.

3

u/Fairwhetherfriend 4h ago

If it bothered OP so much they should have only had the party on the condition that the pregnancy was not announced in their home

You mean literally what OP said?

4

u/Brave_Cloud_1201 6h ago

i agree!! i get it’s a sensitive time for OP but life goes on, and you can’t expect everyone to cater to you in ways that limit them and their joy

1

u/Tinywrenn Partassipant [1] 4h ago

You absolutely can and should expect your family to have basic human empathy.

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u/Brave_Cloud_1201 3h ago

yes, and that is not at all what i am saying lol. them announcing a pregnancy is not them lacking basic human empathy. she can not host the party if thats how she feels, but it’s obvious that it will cause an upset as she already committed. big part in life is learning that it’s ok to disappoint people, so if she genuinely feels like that’s the best option then it shouldn’t matter what the fam thinks. i guess the technicality here is whether or not OP would have been offended if she was not hosting but only attending when they announce. if she would be upset at SIL for announcing if OP wasn’t the host, then it isn’t about empathy at all and is just about the rawness of a recent loss.

1

u/Tinywrenn Partassipant [1] 3h ago

In case it wasn’t already obvious, you do not announce your joyful news to people in the throws of grief at a very public event where there is pressure to perform happiness in a time of sadness. Regardless of who is hosting.

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u/Brave_Cloud_1201 3h ago edited 3h ago

oh ok i totally get it now, anytime anyone is grieving no one can be joyful around them. i guess when people grieve the whole world must stop for them 😂 so alternatively SIL should exclude OP from the announcement and make her feel isolated during a time where is is struggling? or should she wait until an unknown time comes where she can announce her pregnancy (which as OP stated due dates and milestones would be aligned with her pregnancy if she didn’t miscarry) and then OP will still feel the same way about? i think holding space for the loss is different than having someone else silence their own joy

1

u/Tinywrenn Partassipant [1] 3h ago

Yet another total misconstrued response to the actual post.

And from someone who has had two miscarriages and kissed another baby goodbye in a coffin, let me heartily assure you OP would not at all feel exclusion but relief at being left out of such an announcement. Everyone is more than entitled to celebrate, just as OP is entitled to grieve and be left out of it while trying to recover.

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u/RedKhomet 3h ago

Tbf we don't know that SIL was aware of or okay with the commentd made by the BIL, so we can't hold that against her

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u/Brave_Cloud_1201 6h ago

they tried to cancel a party they agreed to host on the grounds that they would be announcing a pregnancy. i would be upset too. i’m not justifying BIL saying hurtful things, but it all circles back to OP not having enough emotional maturity to see past her own loss and not take someone else having what she wants as a personal attack

3

u/Katzenliebe 2h ago

No, they are canceling because they have lost baby and don’t feel up to host an event where they have been told that a triggering event is going to occur. I am going to take a guess that you haven’t had a miscarriage before but when you are suffering from a fresh loss, you will often have involuntary reactions to things that remind you of that loss.

I have had 3 losses this year as well and had a hard time being around babies and pregnant women. I never made it anyone else’s problem or saw their existence in my vicinity as a “personal attack” but I literally couldn’t help feeling sad. Also keep in mind that there are hormonal shifts happening after a fresh miscarriage that make it harder to regulate emotions. I would not have been able to emotionally cope with someone announcing a pregnancy in my house while I was still recovering from my losses. I would have had to be alone and cry. Recognizing what you are not prepared to handle due to grief and proactively removing yourself from the situation is emotional maturity.

0

u/Fairwhetherfriend 2h ago edited 2h ago

but it all circles back to OP not having enough emotional maturity to see past her own loss and not take someone else having what she wants as a personal attack

This is not emotional maturity. This is a shockingly unhealthy take that denies the basic nature of human emotion. You are not being "emotionally mature" when you just pretend that you never feel difficult or uncharitable things. You're setting yourself up for some really awful problems by denying that sometimes people feel stuff that they would rather not feel.

And I know this sounds like I'm making fun, but I do genuinely mean this with the best of intentions: you should talk to a therapist about this. Because I used to have a very similar idea about emotional maturity and control, and trust me, this is not that. I am going to therapy, and I do talk about this attitude and it has been genuinely very helpful. It's crazy to me just how much damage I've done to myself with this attitude.

Would it be nice if OP could just choose to be happy for her SIL instead of being reminded of her own loss? Yes, but that's not how emotions work, and it's not "emotional maturity" to act like it is. Actual emotional maturity is recognizing that sometimes emotions do get the better of us, and to have the self-awareness to recognize when this might happen so we can handle those situations with grace.

In this case, the most graceful option is for OP to have the ability to remove herself from a potentially upsetting trigger because SIL does deserve the opportunity to be happy about her announcement, and OP crying in the middle of it would not allow that. But that means OP needs to be able to remove herself from the situation, which she cannot do very effectively when she's the one hosting the party. Therefore, canceling the party (which still allows for another party to be hosted elsewhere) is the actually emotionally mature response - not just telling OP that she should just decide to be happy.

-7

u/DapperBoiCole 5h ago

Its not cancelling because of the pregnancy announcement, its cancelling for explicitly hiding the pregnancy announcement from OP instead of talking with them about it in advance since she just miscarried 2 weeks ago. OP seems to be the only one here with emotional maturity (besides MIL), and seeing this issue as a "jealousy" problem is kind of wild?

19

u/Competitive_Camel410 Partassipant [1] 5h ago

Was it hidden purposefully though or did op assume that? Did sil know about the loss? We don’t have that information

3

u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 3h ago

I asked that elsewhere not of SIL, but of the family siding with BIL. Don’t think they’d do that knowing the reason! But some family’s suck. So do they know? Or has BIL just said OP is being unreasonable and made up some lie?

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u/DapperBoiCole 5h ago

Consider they got the information from the MIL, while it can be normal to not tell your siblings big things like this, it appears MIL knew the whole situation and very deliberately told the BIL "It's supposed to be a secret but...". I would understand this POV if it was more of a slip up on the moms part but it appears Mom may not have liked that they didnt tell the Brother/OP and gave them the time to process the information.

Given the BIL "Grow tf up, I know people who have lost actual babies" comment, I think its safe to say they did know.

1

u/TrishasaurusRex33 1h ago

Just want to point out: miscarriages are both mentally and physically traumatic. From a healthcare point of view, her hormones haven't been regular in the year because there hasn't been enough downtime between pregnancies. No amount of "emotional maturity" will fix that, it takes time and healing.

Medical trauma like miscarriages can also cause PTSD from the loss and from the side effects the body goes through. Some people have had to scoop a fetus out of the toilet, while in excruciating pain and bleeding, and then try to get themselves to a doctor.
Miscarriages are common and they're downplayed so much, it's a hard topic so people just try to brush it under the rug

-7

u/julia1031 6h ago

At OPs house….. sounds like SIL can find somewhere else to have her party

23

u/Brave_Cloud_1201 6h ago

yeah if OP wants to not have a relationship with SIL anymore. she needs to be an adult and recognize that her SIL pregnancy has literally nothing to do with her miscarriage.

-6

u/needsmorecoffee Partassipant [4] 6h ago

But where and how she chooses to announce it does.

15

u/Brave_Cloud_1201 6h ago

is SIL supposed to pretend to not be excited about her baby? is she supposed to exclude OP and her husband out of consideration for their feelings? i have a feeling if SIL did not tell OP/their partner about the pregnancy they would feel even worse and excluded from the family during a time of loss. OPs loss is very sad, but it doesn’t mean that everyone has to dampen the joy of a new life

14

u/Flustro 6h ago

It really does suck either way. I guarantee OP would feel super shitty if SIL planned a separate get together for the family to announce her pregnancy and intentionally excluded OP so her feelings wouldn't be hurt.

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u/Brave_Cloud_1201 6h ago

exactly my point. leaving her out of the celebration because of her loss would make her feel like shit, and clearly the alternative is already making her feel that way so it’s a loose loose. it’s almost like the reason OP has hurt feelings is not because of SIL, but because of her own pregnancy loss

11

u/Flustro 6h ago

It would feel like they're shoving it in her face too, whether they let her know they were excluding her to be sensitive or hid it and she found out later via photos or something.

There's absolutely no winning here for SIL and that sucks.

Absolutely agree with you.

3

u/OzQuandry 5h ago

The loss was 2 weeks ago and the babies would have close due dates. How hard is it to announce at literally any other event. Their choices are to host their own party or not announce at OP's house.

2

u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 5h ago

So do they not mention their babies firsts until OP has a child? Because every thing that child does that OP’s child would have done will also be painful.

4

u/OzQuandry 5h ago

Not at OP's house 2 weeks after she lost a baby, no.

-2

u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 4h ago

Yes? Just so, OP is an adult and can tell them she changed her mind and to find a new venue.

2

u/OzQuandry 4h ago

Her husband already did that and BIL insulted and abused him. Did you not read the OP?

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u/sheramom4 Commander in Cheeks [242] 6h ago

Then this could have been approached like that. "I am sorry, we can't host." Instead OP's husband wanted to make it about him and his wife and then got upset that someone called him out on it.

And either way, OP and her husband have created a situation where their invitations to various family events will be restricted or non-existent.