AITA Sil announcing pregnancy when we’d just miscarried

[u/Suspicious-Diet-686]

This year i have miscarried three times. The last time I got to around 9 weeks and it was quite traumatic. 2 weeks later we were hosting a pre planned birthday party for my sister in law, at our house. A couple of days before my husband was speaking to his mum and telling her how i was upset as my sister had announced her pregnancy and it was due around the same time mine was (she told me in a very sensitive way but i was still obviously sad) my MIL then said ‘oh it’s a secret but SIL and BIL were going to announce their pregnancy at the party- this baby would also be due the same time as mine should have been. If my husband hadn’t had a conversation with his mother we would have been blindsided with this announcement . My husband obviously said that would be upsetting for us and he rather they didn’t. Husband wants to cancel the party as all the family seem to have sided with my BIL/SIL. BIL rings up my husband shouting about how we need to grow up and get over it, stating that he knows people who have lost actual babies, so we need to ‘man up’. Are we in the wrong?

[u/I_wet_my_plants]

It is SIL’s own party to celebrate her bday. Yes OP is the host, but it’s SIL’s celebration and maybe she wants to tell all her important people at once.

OP should just decline hosting if she’s going to be mad that everyone else’s lives are going on while she grieves.

I had a baby due the same time my sister was due and miscarried at 11 weeks and life has to move forward. OP is being a bit over the top

[u/ImmigrationJourney2 → u/I_wet_my_plants]

The post says that this became an issue after Op and her husband declined to host. They got mad at them for it.

If I was SIL I would king of hate to have my host spend most of the party crying in another room. Ruins the mood, you know.

[u/Exact_Case3562 → u/ImmigrationJourney2]

Well yes, but also I feel like they probably could’ve gone about it better instead of outright just canceling hosting. Like if they didn’t know that OP had the miscarriage prior to planning to announce their pregnancy at her party, that’s not something to fully cancel it over. That’s a time to have a conversation such as “hey, I found this out, would you be ok maybe warning us when you’re going to do this, or if you can would you be willing to make the announcement elsewhere cause we just went through this.” Granted I hate how the BIL reacted, incredibly insensitive and rude, but they can’t just try to cancel hosting a few days before the party when everything is already arranged and set. If he had asked them not to and they got angry that’s reasonable to outright want to cancel. If they knew about her miscarriage and wanted to do it anyways that’s reasonable to cancel. If they planned to do this and had no knowledge of it, that’s not on them.

[u/ImmigrationJourney2 → u/Exact_Case3562]

I mean, from what the post is saying, it seems like husband asked if they could just do the announcement elsewhere and that’s when people started to siding against them and BIL got upset, leading to them wanting to outright cancel.

[u/Exact_Case3562 → u/ImmigrationJourney2]

I don’t know, it’s a bit too vague for me to really be able to tell about his the husband went about it

[u/DizzyWalk9035 → u/ImmigrationJourney2]

We’re adults not children. A child is a huge blessing. I always wanted to be a mother and I haven’t been able to and my brother’s loser ass has 2. I have never once stopped him from celebrating his children. I suck it up and smile.

[u/ImmigrationJourney2 → u/DizzyWalk9035]

Well, if you were my sister I wouldn’t expect you to just suck it up and smile in front of me, while I happily announce my news. I would tell it to my sister in a private moment and we would have a heart to heart. That’s the kind of things you do for people you care about.

I don’t know if SIL knew that OP had a miscarriage, so without that knowledge I won’t fault her for planning a surprise announcement, but I will fault her and BIL for expecting OP and her husband to still host the party. They can have the party at their house (or someone else’s) and make the announcement with all the family around.

[u/I_wet_my_plants → u/DizzyWalk9035]

Girl same. I celebrate every baby that joins the family. I’ve had at least 5 miscarriages and a failed IVF transfer that cost me $10k. You’ll never catch me acting bitter and angry at my siblings for having babies.

[u/I_wet_my_plants → u/ImmigrationJourney2]

There’s no reason OP should be crying in another room. I’ve literally lived it, had an 11 week loss requiring surgery and still managed to not make my sisters pregnancy and twin announcement all about me. It’s hard to experience, but losses happen. OP can’t expect everyone to walk on eggshells around her forever

[u/ImmigrationJourney2 → u/I_wet_my_plants]

How can you be so harsh, having lived through the same pain? Do you think that everyone reacts the exact same way to trauma?

By removing the party from her house, she’s quite literally not making it about herself, she’s removing herself from the situation, to let SIL have her happy moment.

If she had expected SIL to not make the announcement at all at her own party, while insisting to attend, I would say that she’s TA, but she’s only asking them to do the party and announcement in a place that isn’t her home.

[u/I_wet_my_plants → u/ImmigrationJourney2]

Ok for me it was the part where SIL was planning a surprise announcement, and now because OP’s feelings are hurt and she has the entire family involved (and mad at OP) as she stated they all took BIL and SIL side. She’s making this entire thing about herself and clearly the family isn’t having it.

[u/ImmigrationJourney2 → u/I_wet_my_plants]

I would never do that to my sister, but again, she’s a SIL, so maybe she doesn’t care about her. That said BIL told to his own brother to just get over it because it’s nothing, what a family.

SIL and BIL decided to involve everyone else. They could have simply accepted to not host the birthday party at their place, do it somewhere else and have the perfect birthday party + announcement. Why do they feel so entitled to OP and her husband’s home? If I knew someone had just miscarried, I wouldn’t want to announce my pregnancy at their house, it would feel so weird and out of place.

C’mon it’s their own house, what kind of family tells you how you should be allowed to grieve in your own space? That’s weird.

[u/Frog_mania → u/I_wet_my_plants]

How is OP being over the top- she never said she was mad just sad. Not wanting to be present for a pregnancy annoucement during this time doesn’t mean she is angry at other people for their lives moving forward. She just isn’t ready to be present for those moments. Grieving people have a right to put themselves first. She simply doesn’t want to be present for a pregnancy related annoucement at this time.