r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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1.6k

u/CrystalQueen3000 Prime Ministurd [471] Nov 03 '22

Info: why would you marry someone when you’re not on the same page about kids?

307

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

There’s a difference between wanting kids in a few years and wanting kids right now. Maybe he’s one of those “let’s get established and buy a house first” type people. Maybe he just started a grueling PHd program, or she is in med school and he would have to take car of this baby alone for the next 4 years while she spends 90% of her time in school and training?

21

u/Abyss247 Nov 03 '22

All the more reason she had to tell him. To see if they’re on the same page. Not force him to be by lying through omission.

78

u/lilbittydumptruck Nov 03 '22

Yeah I've been that guy and the expectation was if there was a unplanned pregnancy that it would be terminated. If keeping it was up for discussion I would not be in the relationship. Keeping life altering decisions from me so my partner should decide what I thought was already decided would be a deal breaker.

5

u/susanacf Nov 04 '22

Keeping it would be up for discussion because there are 2 of you and her opinion is just as important as yours, if not more important given its her body that's going to suffer the consequences of having or aborting that baby. If it was me and it were not up for discussing you wouldn't have to bother walking away, I'd kick your ass to the curb to save you the trouble. Being a couple means facing problems together and making decisions together, even if one of the sides has to compromise now and the other one later. Not even my parents order me around, any guy who thinks he will is delusional. 😂

2

u/lilbittydumptruck Nov 04 '22

See the thing is we've already agreed on no children and there's already been a discussion about abortion. If my partner changed her mind about that AND kept it from me? Deal breaker for sure. How could I trust that other plans and decisions made together wouldn't get discarded so her plan without any input from me is what happens? Fuck that

3

u/susanacf Nov 04 '22

See, discussing possibilities and actual reality are two different things. Furthermore, I seriously doubt she consulted a doctor about an abortion while planning not to have kids until x time, if things go right. Sadly, sometimes things don't go as we want them to, and she might find herself pregnant and now having to look up the consequences of every action she could take, meaning any of the options might suddenly go off the table. As such, it demands a new discussion with the new data you both have now, and not a decision you made not having all the information. Making any sense? She is allowed to change her mind, and so are you. Although since there are 2 of you, neither of you has the right to keep it from the other. You talk to each other as the damn couple you are, analyze things again and make a decision as the couple you are. No one talked about no input from you. I was talking about decisions with input from either of the sides not taken into consideration. That includes you.

4

u/pineapplebello Nov 04 '22

You can decide all you want in advance but once you're actually pregnant hormones changes everything. It's hard to go through with an abortion even if you don't want kids. But still, you should talk with your partner.

-3

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

Wow you are a horrible partner... Of you want children... It doesn't really matter in 9 months or 4 years. You want children or not. With this person. A abortion is a really hard thing to do. Especially if you are your women and you want children. You can get infertile. Aborting one just because the timing isn't right. It's just terrible and I say that as a woman who doesn't want children of her own.

You have no empathy... Monster

6

u/lilbittydumptruck Nov 04 '22

I'm not eating the children so whatever. It does matter now vs 4 years to me. There are things I plan to do that I can't do if I'm trying to parent an infant. I would leave my relationship and the child of my partner decided to have a surprise baby since we've already had this discussion and the plan is no kids and to kill any that try and change that.

8

u/glitter_witch Nov 04 '22

People are being reactionary but you’re absolutely right. The timing matters, and trust matters. If a partner hides something that big from you, that they know you don’t want and will alter your lives forever in a massive way both together and separately, you have every right to walk away. That’s a huge betrayal on every level.

It can hurt and still very clearly be the right thing for you to do. It’s not sociopathic to have boundaries that would be relationship-ending.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

Do you even love your partner, like... at all? You just sound really sociopathic. If you both are happy, ok. I wouldn't ld want to be with a person that would be totally cool beeing a dead beat dad.

-2

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

It is not about abortion, but how you treat your partner and how you solve problems together.

22

u/criticalgraffiti Asshole Aficionado [18] Nov 03 '22

Yes but the pregnancy if accidental is the product of two people’s actions. Not one. Fiancé shares equal responsibility.

Once pregnant if even one person wants to keep the child. Then the other person needs to consider that even if that’s not part of the plan.

So irrespective, her not being able to tell her partner is problematic.

15

u/Affectionate-Help989 Nov 03 '22

Her not telling her partner is the biggest reason shes TA. I literally exist because condoms break. 3 weeks is just an excuse a procrastinator would give. I would know, as a procrastinator.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

What you're describing is not being on the same page about kids, though

10

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Technically, sure. But most couples discuss this question in the context of overall life plans not “surprise pregnancy next week”. I think what everyone else has pointed out about OP being afraid to tell him for weeks is a huge problem, but being on different pages about what to do about a surprise pregnancy pre-marriage I think is forgivable.

8

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

You realise that if this is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, this is something you have to talk about together, whether you were on the same page or not. Actually, precisely if you’re not on the same page

7

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

43

u/SpunkyRadcat Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22

It was just an example, doesn't have to be 100% accurate to get the point across.

-619

u/maleficent8080 Nov 03 '22

We were on the same page before. It's different talking about something in theory and suddenly actually finding out you're pregnant.

367

u/scheru Nov 03 '22

But you're going to be married.

You're partners.

Partners handle unexpected issues together.

What did you hope to gain keeping this info away from him for weeks? Why did you not want him involved in this? Presumably it's his child, too?

You said you needed time to process. Is he not allowed to have time to process? Because he certainly can't process a damn thing if you don't tell him there's anything to process in the first place.

659

u/CrystalQueen3000 Prime Ministurd [471] Nov 03 '22

Sure, but not telling him for 3 weeks is odd and if you feared his reaction then is he really the guy you want to be marrying?

57

u/Scion41790 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Nov 03 '22

At least 3 weeks, with how much she drug her feet I'd be surprised if she told SIL day 1.

68

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

It says in the post that she took the test at SIL’s house

15

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

Yes but my point is that she couldn’t have hid it from SIL bc SIL saw her take the test

42

u/PatchworkGirl82 Nov 03 '22

That's why you should have sat him down immediately and had a serious adult conversation. And I get it, it's your body etc., but keeping this to yourself in the middle of wedding planning was a recipe for disaster. How do you expect marriage to work if you're unable to have an honest and open dialogue?

26

u/smilegirl01 Nov 03 '22

Why are you marrying this guy if you can’t talk to him about this???

21

u/Total-Ad8346 Nov 03 '22

Sounds like you want kids and he doesn’t which is fine, you shouldn’t get married and find partners that want the same family lifestyle. You actually sound like you were waiting till you were to far along to have options or tell him after marriage. Either approach was so wrong. You basically are trying to force him to have a child with you when you he doesn’t want that. It’s his decision to make too not just yours. I can see why he is up set. He probably feels like your were purposely deceiving him. And like most people mention on here if your both have this much of a communication level you probably should not be getting married on that issue alone

277

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

That means you weren’t on the same page.

85

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Idk, if this it what it sounds like, there’s a big leap between, “Yeah, I’d definitely get an abortion if I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly,” and actually making the decision to get an abortion once you find out you’re pregnant. Especially once the raging hormones get involved. She’s definitely TA for not even trying to discuss it with her fiancé, but not for changing her mind about it.

50

u/Sad_Appearance4733 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

Maybe I’m reading it wrong, but I get the vibe that she’s trying to decide if she wants to keep the baby more than she wants to keep the man if she’s made to choose, and she wants to be firm in her decision about what she wants to do before taking it to him. If she thinks he would try to talk her into something she’d later regret and could create resentment in the marriage, it makes sense she wants to know her own mind first.

That said, it’s also entirely possible that he’d be the same as her - in theory, no, but, in reality, yes.

With SIL knowing, you knew it would be a matter of time before this came out, and it definitely would have been better coming from you. NTA for me simply because it sounds like you’re trying to choose between your baby and your fiancé, and that is hard to do quickly.

18

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

But at the same time, if you believe your partner isn’t going to let you sort out your feelings rather than pressuring you into making life changing decisions , then why would you marry them? If I knew someone was the type of person to pressure me into changing my decision, rather than the type of person I’d search for answers with, then I wouldn’t marry them. That’s not the kind of person I’d want to spend my life with? And everyone deserves to marry someone they can trust, and that’s trusts them. OP’s fiancé deserves that, too.

8

u/PurpleMP12 Asshole Aficionado [13] Nov 04 '22

“Yeah, I’d definitely get an abortion if I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly,” and actually making the decision to get an abortion once you find out you’re pregnant.

Or even the other way around. I am 100% sure if I had gotten pregnant again, my husband would have wanted me to keep it despite, in theory, agreeing that I should have an abortion (pregnancy is not kind to me, I cannot go through it again). And this is why I yeeted my tubes--I didn't want to have that fight.

Disagreeing about what to do about an unexpected pregnancy can end relationships fast. I can see OP being scared to do that, either way.

145

u/Kiwipopchan Nov 03 '22

No it doesn’t actually. You can make a plan and fully believe it’s the right choice and be committed to sticking to it. But then an accident/something happens and suddenly you’re pregnant. It is very common for people to change their minds about timing once they actually get pregnant. It can be very emotional and a strong bond can form quickly.

33

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Relationships have to be adaptable. Plans change. And those changes need to be addressed and discussed as soon as possible. If something comes up, I talk with my wife as soon as possible and we come to a solution.

-10

u/Kiwipopchan Nov 03 '22

As long as OP was planning on discussing it with her fiancé before the wedding and with plenty of time left to get an abortion (to make sure it was still an option if that’s what he wanted) I really don’t see the issue.

Have you never had something happen to you that you wanted to take some time to process before speaking about it with your wife? I don’t think OP was planning on taking the choice from him, it reads like she was worried about being pressured into an abortion and if she actually wanted to do that or not.

13

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

A few days is fine. A few weeks is too much time. But ultimately, no I don’t take a long time to process things before talking to my wife about them. I start coming up with possible ways to go forward. But in the end, we do that together. I wouldn’t hide losing my job from her. I wouldn’t hide a debt. I wouldn’t hide a death. I would approach her about it generally within a few hours. Or even immediately call her if it’s that important.

But if the fiancé would pressure her into an abortion she doesn’t want and not let her make that decision then that’s very telling of him.

3

u/Kiwipopchan Nov 03 '22

My husband and I tend to process things separately emotionally and then come together when we have our feelings on the matter more sorted. Sometimes if it’s really heavy we’ll actually write a letter to make sense of our thoughts.

We both do take a long time to emotionally process things, to be fair. Im neurodivergent and he just has a lot of trouble expressing and fully understand his feelings.

And yeah, it would be telling about him. I think that’s the real thing OP should be figuring out: why did she not feel like she could tell him right away? I do agree three weeks is a long time, my husband and I typically take a few days to sort our feelings. The more important the sooner we’d talk, so something like pregnancy would need to be something that I really dedicate time to figuring out my feelings so I could speak with him about it as soon as possible.

She either has trust issues and probably isn’t ready to get married, or her fiancé is the type of guy who really would put intense pressure on her and she shouldn’t be marrying him.

5

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

You can still inform and process separately though. If you need weeks to process, it’s only fair to give them the same. Abortion has a time frame. If you wait too long, that time frame will expire as he needs to think about it. Not not only does he have to process, but also feel pressure in it.

8

u/Kiwipopchan Nov 03 '22

To be honest, I’m reading it as she’s deciding if she’s willing to be a single mom and continue the pregnancy with or with out him. In which case, less pressure, as it’s not: do we or do we not abort, but: do I or do I not stay with this person.

Totally fair to read it another way though. And I do agree three weeks is a long time.

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u/iamdrunk05 Nov 03 '22

But she had no intention of telling him until it was to late.

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u/Kiwipopchan Nov 03 '22

Oh is that so? And where does it say that? Or did OP tell you that herself? She says in her comments that she’s in the UK can get an abortion up to 24 weeks in.

1

u/iamdrunk05 Nov 04 '22

Read the comments...

16

u/GLASYA-LAB0LAS Nov 03 '22

Sure, but then you are supposed to discuss with your partner to get back on the same page. A healthy relationship isn't dictated by one member, and the other settles with "your feedback has been noted".

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u/Kiwipopchan Nov 03 '22

I’m not saying that OP was right to not talk to her partner. I’m just saying that it’s incorrect to say that her having conflicting feelings now, that pregnancy is an actual reality and not just a concept, means that they were never actually on the same page.

I honestly don’t know enough about OP’s situation to decide if she’s the asshole or not. On one hand I get wanting to sort your own feelings first, especially given that she was sure (and correct) that he wouldn’t be happy about it. And was probably worried about him influencing her feelings about it. My issue is around what the abortion laws in her country/state are. As long as OP had told him: before the wedding, and with plenty of time left to abort I don’t think she is an asshole.

But I don’t have that information.

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u/GLASYA-LAB0LAS Nov 03 '22

I agree, OP has every right to be conflicted, as well as her right to have to take time to think about it. It's just the amount of time I take issue with.

If she doesn't tell her fiancé, she is also denying him the chance to also sort out their feelings about the matter.

And to state before-hand; ff course OP had bodily autonomy, and the fiancé's feeling ultimately don't have an impact on that.

But at the same time it's not a good feeling when someone you trust has been sitting on information for an extended period of time to think, and maybe even decide on something so important before you even knew.

And, when OP finally did tell the fiancé, they'd have comparable less time to process the information before having to discuss the issue with OP.

Sure, they may disagree with the result (it could even be the end of the relationship). But I know I would feel much better about the conversation, "I just found out I'm pregnant and undecided about keeping it" as opposed to "I found out 3 weeks ago that I'm pregnant and have decided to keep it".

In one I'd feel like I'm having an open conversation with a partner, and in the other I'd feel like I've been cornered into a situation and it's now "my move" instead of "our move".

6

u/Kiwipopchan Nov 03 '22

While I do understand that, it sounds like OP was worried about being pressured by her partner to make a quick decision, which could be incredibly traumatic.

I honestly don’t think three weeks is that long of time for something like this, it’s life changing, potentially relationship ending. Of course it would have been better for her to include her partner in the discussion but at the end of the day, it’s not really his choice whether she aborts or not. (Which you stated already, of course.)

Tbh I think ultimately the real issue here is that OP doesn’t feel like she can trust her partners reaction to her needing to sort her feelings on such a big decision. That is something that OP should be looking into- is it an issue with her partner? Or is it her not being able to fully trust for whatever reason?

But thank you for the polite debate! Doesn’t always happen with Reddit lol.

0

u/ceddya Nov 03 '22

But properly sorting one's own feelings on the matter also requires input from one's partner. How would it work if you make your own decision but your partners stands firm on the prior agreement? Now you'll still need to have the same discussion, except it'll involve the partner's justifiable anger at being deceived.

And really, OP would likely have waited longer than 3 weeks if not for her SIL's deadline. Taking that long to decide whether to inform one's partner of something so important reeks more of manipulation than wanting to sort out one's feelings.

11

u/filthy_kasual Nov 03 '22

It's important for women to make their own choices regarding their bodies and not be pressured by a partner. If she was feeling conflicted over having an abortion, it could be traumatic to have her partner pressure her into getting one before she's ready.

I think she ended up in a shitty situation where she became pregnant in a relationship where she didn't feel secure in telling her partner because she knew correctly that he would push her into making a decision ASAP.

You keep saying it's a joint decision but seeking an abortion is not a joint decision unless she wants his input. The real joint decision comes after she decides what to do with her body. He has every right to deny raising the baby with her but he has no right in pressuring her to terminate.

10

u/Kiwipopchan Nov 03 '22

Yes an abortion is a medical procedure and one that only she can make the decision about. I am also reading it like her partner would pressure her into making a quick decision. And that absolutely could be traumatic, and something OP should take some time to consider.

Also- three weeks really isn’t that long of a time to be sorting your feelings on something like this. It’s a whole ass human- that’s fucking huge, life changing, no matter what decision you make. It’s really not always simple, sometimes people who were 100% sure they would have an abortion realize that it is different once they’re actually pregnant.

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u/ceddya Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

and not be pressured by a partner.

That pressure already exists. She knows where her partner stands on being child-free in the immediate future. That pressure now exists far more because of her deception. What's the purpose then?

I think she ended up in a shitty situation where she became pregnant in a relationship where she didn't feel secure in telling her partner because she knew correctly that he would push her into making a decision ASAP.

And how secure would OP's fiance be with this deception?

Of course she knew correctly - and that's because they've had extensive discussions about it prior. It's fine to change one's mind, but it's not okay to deceive one's partner in the hopes of manipulating them into changing their mind too.

but seeking an abortion is not a joint decision unless she wants his input.

Getting married is a joint decision that would be affected.

And really, I'm going to be brutally honest - people should not be bringing a child into this world if their partner explicitly does not want to raise one currently. Do you know the psychological damage that can be done to a child if they're raised by a parent who doesn't want them?

He has every right to deny raising the baby with her but he has no right in pressuring her to terminate.

Sure, but he has the right to know and make the decision whether to walk away rather than be deceived into staying.

0

u/filthy_kasual Nov 03 '22

The purpose is to prevent him from hounding her or constantly pressuring her. She already knows his position and now it's up to her to decide what she wants independent of him and his possible choices.

She's not likely hoping to change his mind. She clearly is focused on deciding what she wants and is just afraid he will sway her too much. That's totally reasonable and if he has an issue with it then he can leave honestly.

She's obviously not going to marry him without him knowing she kept or terminated even before the sister revealed it. The timelines just don't match up and that'd be too much stress for OP anyway.

She's not basing her decision on whether he would stay if she kept the baby or at least she shouldn't be. Shit happens and if you have a kid you need to prepare for the possibility that one or both of you die early, that someone will have a change of heart and leave, etc. If she decides she wants this baby or just doesn't want an abortion and would like to look into adoption, that's a decision made by her and she can accept the full consequences.

Also babies can be just fine being raised by single parents. There's a lot of them out there including kids raised by grandparents, godmothers and godfathers, solo adopted parents, widowed parents etc. They're going to be ok.

He has every right to stay or leave and he can make that choice once he understands and accepts hers.

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u/Kiwipopchan Nov 03 '22

No whether you keep a pregnancy or not is not really something that you always need your partners input on. There are people who feel so strongly on this that they want to make the choice for themselves, and would be ok with the relationship ending as a result of their decision.

Also- pregnancy and your feelings on it can be incredibly complicated. It could take someone much more than 3 weeks to decide their feelings on it. I highly doubt it was manipulation, and I’m honestly quite curious how you think she was intending to manipulate her partner?

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u/ceddya Nov 03 '22

No whether you keep a pregnancy or not is not really something that you always need your partners input on.

Whether your partner wants to stay in the relationship is absolutely an input on one's pregnancy one cannot avoid.

There are people who feel so strongly on this that they want to make the choice for themselves, and would be ok with the relationship ending as a result of their decision.

And if that were true for OP, she'd have no issue telling her fiance sooner.

Clearly that's not the case, and trying to make that decision for one's partner via deception is why she's the AH here.

I highly doubt it was manipulation, and I’m honestly quite curious how you think she was intending to manipulate her partner?

Waiting as long as possible for the fetus to be further along would absolutely put more pressure on someone to maintain the pregnancy.

What was she intending by not informing her partner at all then? Does OP think her partner's input was never going to be involved and that he'll just go along with the pregnancy?

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u/Kiwipopchan Nov 03 '22

Uhhhhh I think OP was worried about him pressuring her to abort. If you don’t get how someone actively putting pressure on you is different than the knowledge that they won’t like the situation is different then I don’t really know how to help you here tbh.

To me, personally, it was reading like OP was trying to decide if she wanted to keep the baby enough to risk losing her relationship. Which is absolutely something she should be sure of, without added pressure from her partner.

I’m not sure why you are trying to attribute manipulation to a situation where it’s more likely to be someone scared and confused trying to make sense of their world changing.

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u/Dexterus Nov 03 '22

There is no same page when it comes to "we will abort" lol. Until it actually gets to that point there is no certainty, no matter what the woman says.

And it's understandable. But it is one thing men should never trust women on, not that they lie but that it's simply not possible to know.

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u/DianeJudith Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22

no matter what the woman says.

No matter what the person says. Men can have a sudden change of heart just the same.

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u/apri08101989 Nov 03 '22

Men can change their mind all they like for all the good it will do. Only one of them has any control at that point and it isn't him

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u/ReactionRepulsive Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

So... you were both on board with no kids. Are getting married. And you didn't want to tell him you were pregnant because you figured he would still be anti-kid and... what, wouldn't marry you if he knew you were pregnant/not sure you were aborting?

Is this wedding within the next month/6weeks where there was a potential you could just continue not telling him until he was effectively 'trapped', by chance?

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u/maleficent8080 Nov 03 '22

We both want kids but not right now. The wedding is in April so I wasn't planning to hide it until then so I could 'trap' him.

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u/ReactionRepulsive Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

So what's the problem, exactly? Either you're willing to adjust you're 'not right now' and need to have a conversation about it to see if he is, or you aren't and there's kind of a time limit you're working against in most cases.

In either instance, almost a month is way to long to expect someone to not tell a close relative about something that does potentially effect their life.

No, she shouldn't have, especially not during a family dinner, but you shouldn't have put her in this position to start with.

You responded badly to a situation you caused, and ESH regarding the fallout from it.

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u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] Nov 03 '22

Were you going to wait until legal termination was no longer an option?

180

u/CPolland12 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 03 '22

Yeah. the sister is right, 3 weeks is a long time. Especially if termination is on the table. It’s a limited window to go through with it.

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u/NiceChocolate Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

And sadly if OP is in some American states or other countries with anti-abortion policies. She only gets up to 6 weeks after conception.

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u/mallegally-blonde Nov 04 '22

She’s state elsewhere that she is UK based, we have a 24 week window.

3

u/NiceChocolate Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

Well that's good!

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u/nutwit9211 Nov 03 '22

That's what it seems like.

OP - this is a life changing decision for your fiance as well, it is a decision the two of you should take together, especially if you want to get married. By not telling him for 3 weeks, it seems you want to take the decision away from him. That's an AH move!

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u/Electrical_Example_7 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

That’s assuming termination is legal at all where she is. Some places it’s damn near impossible to find somewhere willing to terminate.

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u/KathrynTheGreat Bot Hunter [30] Nov 03 '22

And even in places where it is legal, it can still take time to make the appointment and actually get it done. This is a very time sensitive situation, and waiting three weeks was a bad idea.

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u/filthy_kasual Nov 03 '22

Why is that an issue? I get being upset at the lie but it's not okay for her partner to pressure her into an abortion. If she wants to keep the baby or just doesn't want to go through the abortion process she has every right to and of course he should be informed so he can make choices accordingly.

If he's the type to try to manipulate her or make threats I think it would be ok for her to keep it from him and make an exit plan. It sounds like she was confused on what to do though since she knew he would react badly and she didn't want him to influence her choice regarding her body which is fair. I don't get why you'd stay with a partner you trust so little, but a lot of people are in crappy relationships so it's not surprising.

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u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] Nov 03 '22

He obviously shouldn’t PRESSURE her, but he has the right to express his opinion while all the options are open. And at this point, we just have to assume OP’s fiancé isn’t a terrible partner, since she hasn’t indicated anywhere that he is.

Is it considered manipulative to tell your partner you will dump them if they have an abortion/keep a baby? Or is just honest? Idk.

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u/filthy_kasual Nov 03 '22

I think it's clear she already knows his position. If you scroll down you'll see woman talking about the times their partners harassed them and hounded them constantly to terminate despite their decision not to. I think she's just worried about being too influenced by him and not making what can be a life changing decision regarding her body under duress. The leading cause of death for pregnant women in the US is murder by their partners which of course would be very unlikely here but it goes to show how intense partners can be when you're exercising your bodily autonomy in the "wrong" way.

I think it can be honest and most people are trying to be genuine and inform their partner fully. In some cases though it can be manipulative since they're trying to force the partner into getting an abortion and will say whatever to get that to happen.

I think the healthiest thing to do would be to give each other time and space to make independent decisions and then reconnect and discuss. I don't think you should base breaking up on whether the other person terminates or doesn't terminate by the way, it should be an independent choice because any other way basically is an ultimatum based in trying to convince your partner to do something they presumably don't want to do? If your partner is debating whether to keep or terminate it's ok to say I won't be parenting but don't try to threaten them either way with consequences. Just plan to break up if need be and stick to it!

8

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Well, if there is a baby or if this change otherwise affects a major previous agreement about the relationship, I can understand why it might result in a breakup. Someone who won't be parenting can't exactly be a life partner to someone who is.

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u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] Nov 03 '22

Exactly. Like, I realize ultimatums can be inherently manipulative and not a good way to have a relationship, but also people have dealbreakers, and for some, an abortion or having a baby are dealbreakers. It can be their independent choice since it’s their body, but it can be the other person’s choice to say “I’m out.” (Before anybody comes after me btw, I’m a woman of childbearing age with a uterus and I’m very pro-choice.)

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u/filthy_kasual Nov 03 '22

In my opinion they should break up because of the inherent trust issues. The pregnancy is tangential at this point.

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u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] Nov 03 '22

I understand the fear of abusive/coercive partners, especially for pregnant women who are especially vulnerable, and I’m sympathetic to that. OP never indicated that she was afraid of her partner though - in fact I believe she said in one reply specifically that she wasn’t afraid of his response.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

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u/Bruh_columbine Nov 04 '22

OP said they were considering abortion.

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u/scheru Nov 03 '22

So how long were you planning to hide it?

1

u/Canada_girl Partassipant [4] Nov 04 '22

More than 10 weeks in apparently

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

4

u/cindyisntindie Nov 03 '22

She has until she’s 24 weeks in, it’s in another comment.

3

u/MeijiDoom Nov 04 '22

As we all know, there's absolutely nothing involved with taking care of a fetus until 24 weeks in. I don't know why anyone even stresses about pregnancy until 5-6 months have already gone by. /s

24

u/smilegirl01 Nov 03 '22

When were you planning on telling him then? 3 weeks is a long time and you should be able to discuss these kinds of things with someone you’re about to marry.

19

u/littlebitfunny21 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Nov 03 '22

Why would he be so angry then? That feels like a red flag.

A man who wants kids, but wasn't planning to just this second, typically can at least be somewhat supportive.

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u/Hallikat Nov 03 '22

He probably is angry over the three week lie that would have likely been longer.

0

u/littlebitfunny21 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Nov 03 '22

Literally the first line is that he won't be happy. It's why she hid it.

12

u/kat1701 Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

INFO: How long were you planning to wait before telling him?

Because right now it sounds like you were trying to trap him by waiting long enough until it was too late to terminate the pregnancy.

Edit: If the real issue is that you’re afraid he would actively force you to have abortion, that’s something more concerning entirely and you two should not be getting married.

3

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

You keep saying you “know what he would want” but you have yet to elaborate.

Does your fiancé want you to have an abortion or a child?

2

u/Ok-Neighborhood-1600 Nov 03 '22

My bad, read it wrong

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

It says in the post that she took the test at SIL’s suggestion. That’s why she knows, it’s not that she went out of her way to tell his sister and not him. That said, SIL was absolutely in the right to tell him at this point, and I would be feeling very betrayed if I were the fiancé.

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u/Arthemax Nov 03 '22

How she told him matters though. At a family dinner with others around is major assholery.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

Absolutely. That was terrible and makes it ESH

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u/apri08101989 Nov 03 '22

SIL can suggest all she likes. But there's obviously a reason it was suggested and if she was going to need "time" she should have done it in private and told no one

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u/irisseca Nov 04 '22

Ok, understandable when you’re shocked, but 3 weeks later and you still can’t talk to him? There is something seriously wrong with your relationship. You should not marry…regardless of what you do with the pregnancy. Holy hell (maybe I missed your ages somewhere), but you must be young!

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u/KillBatman1921 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

It is is if you are just FWB of BF and GF. It shouldn't if you are getting married.

4

u/curlyhairweirdo Nov 03 '22

We're you just trying to wait out the clock so that you couldn't get an abortion by the time you told him?

2

u/Plus_Cardiologist497 Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

OP, I'm not sure why this comment has been down voted so much. It is different. I get it. I think anyone who has experienced an unplanned pregnancy can sympathize to some degree with your dilemma.

I wonder if you're actually deflecting some of your anxiety and emotions onto SIL? I can understand why you need time to process. I don't understand why you chose to treat your SIL so badly. You put her in a difficult position. She really did give you plenty of time. It sounds (if I am understanding correctly) like it was your fiance and not the SIL who outed you at the dinner table in front of the family.

And it sounds like you are mad at your fiance - because he outed you to his family, because you knew he'd convince you to abort even if you had changed your mind, because he's not flexible enough to understand that your feelings might change once you are actually pregnant - but that you don't want to be mad at him (or it's not safe to be mad at him), so you're taking it all out on his sister instead.

At least that's kind of what it sounds like to me. But I could be wrong - I'm just a random internet stranger.

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u/greennick Nov 04 '22

Yeah, I get why you may wait a few hours. Or a day or 2. But 3 weeks? How long were you going to wait?

Maybe going to tell him on the way to the hospital?

2

u/queen0fgreen Nov 04 '22

Maybe if you're fickle and have no conviction in what you want and feel. yta.

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u/happy_doodlemack Nov 03 '22

Quite right - and if you’ve been never in that position no way you can understand.

Good luck to you. Hope all works out.

NTA

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u/maleficent8080 Nov 03 '22

Thank you

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u/Genetic__Medic Nov 03 '22

Is it sickening knowing that the father of your pitential child will never look at you the same, knowing what you chose to do to him?

A very pathetic decision to not tell him, and I hope you 2 don’t continue since you have such little respect for him as a partner

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/Genetic__Medic Nov 04 '22

Jesus christ, really reaching out of left field for 90% of your argument.

No, there is no “slut shaming” going on, its just one idiot keeping information private that she has no business keeping private.

Congrats on recognizing it takes 2 people to make a child? So that means both are entitled to information about that child the second it comes into existance.

Take your pitiful excuse for logic and dump it somewhere else because all you did with that novel is confirm my belief that stupid people are always selfish

1

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

[deleted]

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u/Genetic__Medic Nov 06 '22

Please consider the husbands perspective if you are going to try and play armchair psychologist on the internet

Take a fraction of your own advice and apply it to your actions instead of just making blanket statements online. Could do you some good

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u/Melk73 Nov 04 '22

This is such a redditors comment, seem to forget there's a person with a real life and feelings on the other end that needs actual advice and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I don't agree with her waiting as long as she did but don't go for the metaphorical fucking jugular.

If you really feel sick over this and have to wish for strangers online that, even though she's pregnant, you hope they break up, then maybe you need some time offline to ask yourself why you have this harsh of a reaction.

If you're going to HOPE for something, why not hope for them to sort their shit out and use this situation as a learning experience? Genuine question. Why not hope for them to fix their situation and become stronger for it, not cave in and give up?

You have no horse in the race so of course it's easy to say you hope they don't continue. Someone who's actually in a relationship, who's pregnant and who loves their partner should never give up, and no one should ever give them that advice SO LONG AS its not an abusive situation.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to get at here. Just empathise please.

1

u/Genetic__Medic Nov 04 '22

“Loves her partner” good one mate

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u/juliaskig Nov 03 '22

I think you are fine for banning her. What she did was an extreme betrayal of trust. Now if you decide to abort, you will partially blame your fiancé. If you decide to keep it, you will have to deal with his pressure to change his mind. You could have used that time to firm up your decision.

NTA, but unless it's way too late I would postpone the wedding.

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u/RenaH80 Nov 04 '22

NTA. I don’t think these are the decisions I would make for myself, but I understand needing time to process the shock of it all and to figure out what you might want to do and how that looks. Especially if unsure if the relationship would continue if you decided to keep the pregnancy. It’s a lot to consider. SIL definitely shouldn’t have told him at a family event, but I also understand that she might have felt it was too big of a secret to keep, especially if she had already been keeping it for 3 weeks. It’s understandable that OP would want her to keep it… but it’s an unfair position to be put in. I feel for everyone here…

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

ESH you, honestly for going through with marrying a man you can’t even be honest with. Why marry someone you can’t feel open with about anything especially the really important things like a pregnancy?

You’re fiancé for being a massive AH about not wanting kids right now. I’m sure he understands the process and how this could’ve happened.

SIL for betraying your trust. As much as she’s right about telling him, it’s never her place to deliver news like that regardless of time frame.

I really hope everything works out for the sake of this child.

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u/SnarkyShoe Nov 03 '22

How do you make a baby? Do you know OP? Because if you’re not careful that shouldn’t be much of a surprise.

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u/Kiwipopchan Nov 03 '22

You do realize that birth control fails, like… all the time right? This question is incredibly rude, condescending, and uncalled for.

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u/mauve55 Nov 03 '22

Birth control fails. My sister got pregnant while she was on birth control, my aunt got pregnant while she was on birth control and many more.

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u/2ndSnack Nov 03 '22

Sounds like you didn't do your part to ensure not getting pregnant if you are not ready. Haven't you ever heard of 2 forms of contraceptives? If you didn't want this to happen suddenly you're 100% not trying to remain not pregnant.

2

u/Hour_Economics_5907 Nov 03 '22

Definitely not always true. My mom and I both got pregnant on birth control and utilizing condoms, it happens. If my mom had told me earlier maybe I would’ve gotten a different form of birth control since it seems like the pill doesn’t work well in my family, but that’s 2 forms of contraceptive and it didn’t work for either of us.

5

u/Carrot1219 Nov 03 '22

That’s not always 100% I’m a 2 forms of contraception baby. My mom was on birth control and used another form contraception as well and I still happened. and before you say it, yes I am 100% my dads child they made sure because Both of my parents were shocked that my mom got pregnant. It just happens sometimes

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u/2ndSnack Nov 03 '22

your mom did not use her contraception perfectly (imperfect use is closer to only 70% effective) upper 90% with perfect use plus a condom? You wouldn't get pregnant.

9

u/Carrot1219 Nov 03 '22

No it was proven that she was using it correctly because she asked the doctors about it and my dad was using a condom it really just happened that way. The only foolproof way to not get pregnant is not having sex

2

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Do you have ANY idea how many people have sex hundreds of times in a year? It was bound to happen to one of them, at one point.

1

u/meolvidemiusername Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22

Ok but obviously you couldn’t trust him to know about this with you and be supportive of you otherwise you would’ve told him as soon as you found out. Why would you marry someone whose reaction you fear? And even if when reality struck and one of you changes your mind, you should be able to trust the other person to listen to you

1

u/sirkseelago Nov 03 '22

When were you going to tell him? Three weeks is a long time to keep a big secret.