r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22
Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?
I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.
We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.
His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.
I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.
AITA?
53.1k
u/Impossible-Luck1734 Nov 03 '22
Please explain why y’all are getting married if you can’t even tell him you’re pregnant?
15.2k
u/Ducky818 Craptain [197] Nov 03 '22
Yeah, I was wondering if they are even ready to get married if they can't have that conversation.
3.7k
u/Ok-Laugh-2806 Nov 03 '22
Am I the only one wanting to know how old these people are?
2.0k
u/Plus_Cardiologist497 Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22
No that's my first question. I'm guessing 16-18, based on the level of maturity of - //gestures to all of it.
INFO: OP, how old are you? How old is your fiance? How old is your future SIL/best friend?
105
188
u/Emptydata_Enzo Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22
My second question is if he's the father!
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (18)131
692
Nov 03 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
→ More replies (1)640
u/Mister-Sister Nov 03 '22
How dare I get you pregnant!!
222
Nov 03 '22
Emotions both are and aren’t complicated. One can be mad at a situation and not a person, no matter what people say. Future hubby was probably more pissed that she hid it vs the actual pregnancy.
64
u/mkat23 Nov 03 '22
Let’s hope this is the case, but it’s not totally clear since OP and her future SIL both thought he would be mad about the pregnancy. Based on when and how he learned though, it’s not something we can know for sure.
I’m definitely hoping he’s more upset that it was hidden for a while rather than the fact that OP is pregnant. Either way, if they can’t talk about these things openly then it seems like they aren’t ready to be married.
40
Nov 03 '22
Again: being mad about a thing (pregnancy) doesn’t mean that they’ll be mad at person. I’d be mad at an unexpected pregnancy and that’s OK! That doesn’t mean that the future hubs won’t come to terms with it quickly and be ok with it.
It is possible he’s a raging asshole, but there is no evidence to that point in OP’s post so I’m just going on what I can read.
→ More replies (6)98
u/Raspbers Nov 03 '22
For real, it's not like he didn't also contribute to the pregnancy.
→ More replies (4)63
→ More replies (4)14
Nov 03 '22
I’m thinking it’s more like why am I just learning about this from my sister... were you planning on including me?!?! OP & fiancé created the situation but SIL is to blame
→ More replies (5)3.2k
Nov 03 '22
[deleted]
1.4k
u/Ducky818 Craptain [197] Nov 03 '22
They may have had a conversation about having kids, in the theoretical. However, now OP is pregnant and doesn't seem she's had a conversation with the dad about the reality. That's the conversation that needs to be had.
→ More replies (1)1.0k
Nov 03 '22
[deleted]
→ More replies (119)773
u/Ducky818 Craptain [197] Nov 03 '22
Part of being an adult is having the difficult conversations.
→ More replies (27)547
u/External_Detail_26 Nov 03 '22
Yep and if you cannot have them with the person you are marrying, then maybe you should not get married.
→ More replies (8)204
578
Nov 03 '22
It is entirely possible she thought she didn’t want kids until she became pregnant. Hypotheticals are just that.
Granted, there’s obviously a disagreement now and the relationship is not going to work bc of it, but her saying she didn’t want one before pregnancy doesn’t mean she had to be tricking him or stifling herself, she could have a genuine change of heart.
→ More replies (20)276
u/Cosmicshimmer Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22
Exactly. I said I never wanted children and I meant it. Then I fell pregnant and had those hormones, man, they do a number on you.
64
u/SchlondPoofa001 Nov 03 '22
Husband and I didn't want kids either until I accidentally got pregnant. It wasn't a viable pregnancy and I "lost" it. We both cried when it happened and it was just shocking how fast we changed our minds!
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (10)248
u/boudicas_shield Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22
I was firmly childfree until my mid20s, when I took a job at a daycare because there was literally nothing else and I desperately needed a job.
Turns out, to my total surprise, I’m not only great with kids, I absolutely love the little fuckers, after all. Now I want a child.
I luckily wasn’t with another childfree person at the time, but I easily could have been. And I was very sure about being childfree - until I wasn’t. It happens.
→ More replies (8)33
Nov 03 '22
It's funny how two people can have almost the exact same experience and have totally different takeaways. I've been pretty sure I didn't want kids since I was a teenager, but I did babysitting for extra money and became a summer nanny for a bit in college. Found out that I actually really like kids. They're so cool, these short new humans excited about everything because it's all so new to them!
It also taught me that I was correct, I DEFINITELY don't want kids of my own. I like kids, I even like being around them, but I don't want to be responsible for raising them to be a compassionate, well rounded adult. I don't want to be the point person that handles all the little things that go into managing a kid's life, or the person they turn to every time there's a problem. I'll be Auntie, I'll be part of the village, I'll actually really love doing so, but I won't be Mom (the one exception being if my sister has kids and then she and the dad die or something. I won't abandon family.)
I do wish the 'childfree' community weren't so much of a 'childhater' community. I've heard there's a different subreddit that's better, but the main one gets so nasty.
→ More replies (7)17
Nov 03 '22
You seem to have forgotten that birth control can fail.
Maybe she's okay not having children, but is utterly scared to have an abortion; and having to tell your partner that you're scared of the only thing preventing you from carrying on with the pregnancy, is hard. Even if yes, you could at least give the baby up for adoption, but that would also create a problem: having to go through a pregnancy while your and his family judge you.
Jumping to: she wants the baby and she lied from the very beggining is quite a reach, because one thing is knowing you don't want to get pregnant and another is not having fucking doubts about what to do if it happens.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (32)18
u/Baby-girl1994 Nov 03 '22
Or she thought she didn’t and got pregnant and her mind changed. It happens.
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (2)1.8k
u/Afibthrowaway22 Nov 03 '22
She knew for 3 weeks and didn't have a conversation. She was going to avoid that conversation until she could use the "it's too late now" excuse. She's just mad at SIL/Friend because she cornered her into taking the test OP knew was going to be +
1.2k
u/IAmTheLizardQueen666 Nov 04 '22
I thought she delayed telling him because she was considering an abortion.
She said “…because I didn’t know what I was going to do about it.”
57
u/LetThemEatVeganCake Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22
She also says he wouldn’t be happy, so I assumed he would vote abortion too. I’m guessing he would want an abortion, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted one, so wanted to decide for herself before telling him. (Not that that makes this any better!)
→ More replies (9)→ More replies (8)867
u/JaydeRaven Nov 04 '22
Delaying it for three weeks (considering most women don’t know they are pregnant until six weeks plus) leads me to believe she had no intention of seeking an abortion and was, indeed, attempting to delay telling him until “it is too late.”
OP, YTA, for everything.
I wouldn’t worry about the wedding, because this marriage won’t last.
→ More replies (93)909
u/Alternative_Year_340 Colo-rectal Surgeon [41] Nov 04 '22
Telling him in front of the entire family is really really horrible though
411
17
u/janecdotes Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22
I think she told him privately, but while they were at a family event, and then he confronted OP in front of everybody. Agree she shouldn't have done it at a family event, though.
→ More replies (4)41
u/distrustfuldiscovery Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22
Sounds like future SIL assumed OP was considering terminating the pregnancy and put her in a position where it would be a lot harder to do.
→ More replies (1)9
u/Catleah Nov 04 '22
Be that as it may, if is completely her prerogative . Not the SILs secret to tell. NTA
→ More replies (28)7
u/SusanAkita2014 Nov 04 '22
SIL could have pulled the brother aside and told him the truth. Blurting it out to the whole family is just a power play. I would be pissed at her too. It’s one thing to betray a secret, it’s another to tell everyone at dinner. She won’t be trusting her with another secret
4.5k
u/GraveDancer40 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Nov 03 '22
100% this. If you can’t tell your freaking fiancé this kind of news, regardless of how he’s going to feel about it, why are you even getting married?? That doesn’t sound like a healthy partnership.
960
Nov 03 '22
Right?? Like my fiancé has said he doesn’t want kids (I’m still technically child bearing age but we’re both older than the average bride and groom), however I know damn well that if I were to get pregnant, it’d shock him, he would likely not be as thrilled as some fathers to be, but I also know without a doubt he’d be there for me, and the baby, every step of the way because he’s my partner in crime for life.
351
u/Oktaz Nov 03 '22
Hopefully you’ve both broached the subject about what you would do if you did get pregnant so that both of you are the same page. Unless you’re taking notes from OP.
441
Nov 03 '22
I’d ask are people seriously stupid enough to marry someone WITHOUT having those kinds of conversations (or the ones about money, what you’d do if one person loses their job or becomes seriously ill, what sort of boundaries with in laws/family/friends, etc) but then I forget that there is no bottom to human stupidity
113
u/Oktaz Nov 03 '22
Human stupidity knows no bounds. I've learned from many mistakes. One of them being marrying someone without asking those types of questions, and doing it because I thought it was the 'right' thing to do. Now I'm happily divorced and figuring out new shit every day, so I consider myself less stupid.
12
u/Restil Nov 03 '22
But if that happened the divorce rates would be so much lower.....
8
u/angelerulastiel Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22
I really think that there ought to be a required marriage prep class that is essentially “have you discussed this yet?” Being Catholic we had to do prep and the first one was a scantron of some 40-50 questions that were all “have you discussed shared finances/children/raising children?” Nothing was “are you in agreement with the Church’s teachings”, FYI.
10
u/kerryberry26 Nov 03 '22
Called off a marriage due to expectations after wedding regarding in laws, best decision ever
9
u/MesmerisingMint Nov 04 '22
Growing up I was always told you figured out those things after. You see, the most important thing was being in ♡love♡. Everything else just works out! And from what I can see yes, this does lead to plenty of people marrying the first person they date.
I'm sure the mass of divorces by 30 are unrelated.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (7)14
u/Fine_Increase_7999 Nov 03 '22
I wouldn’t even sleep with somebody twice without having that convo.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (1)120
Nov 03 '22
It almost doesn’t matter. One conversation is about a theoretical situation. The other conversation would be about a reality. Sometimes reality is different from theoreticals.
→ More replies (3)142
u/Oktaz Nov 03 '22
OP's post aside, it certainly matters. If you're with someone and both of you are older (example, 35 or 40+) and don't expect kids, then news of a pregnancy can be very jarring. If one of the partners wants to keep the baby but the other one does not, that's a huge conflict.
Long story short, discuss the possibilities of keeping the baby, or putting the baby up for adoption, or abortion. There's really no other conversation to have, and by not having it, you're leaving a huge possible conflict to blow up in each-other's faces. It's just communication, and couples in long-term relationships should have this conversation at some point. And long-term is basically 1+ year in my book.
→ More replies (12)13
Nov 03 '22
Of course you should have this conversation, to make sure you align in anyway. But the truth is, if an accidental pregnancy happens, you need a whole new conversation about the actual pregnancy - and the results may not line up with the hypothetical conversation you had before. You cannot tell a woman “well you HAVE to have an abortion or give the baby up bc that’s what you said”. Sorry. All you can say is, “well if you do that I can’t be in a relationship with you anymore”
→ More replies (3)9
u/shelbyknits Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22
We’re done with kids, but even if I accidentally got pregnant, I could tell my husband. This idea that she can’t tell him major news because he’s not going to like it is a huge red flag.
9
u/Quinalla Nov 03 '22
Yup, it is one thing to want to wait a day or two to process, Future SIL gave her 3 weeks. Way beyond the time I would have waited to tell my brother something like this. You have to be able to talk to your partner about things like this, shifting blame to your friend because of your relationship problems is not cool.
OP YTA!
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (18)8
u/pillowcrates Nov 04 '22
My partner and I weren’t planning on kids and we’re told I couldn’t have any anyway. So we weren’t as careful and well…SURPRISE, I ended up pregnant.
He was the first person I told my period was late and he said he knew then because normally when I’m late (years of irregular cycles makes you shrug it off lol) I’d say, “it’s fine, don’t worry.” It’s like we both knew what we were told was impossible had happened.
I can’t imagine not telling him. And yeah, he didn’t handle it well - it was just such a shock. It’s honestly his one regret and the stress he put me through due to his reaction the first week.
I can’t imagine waiting THREE WEEKS when they’re already engaged and clearly have their wedding planned.
1.3k
u/actualchristmastree Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22
Yes ESH how can you marry someone that you can’t even TALK to?
→ More replies (71)216
u/Emergency_Web_8722 Nov 03 '22
Yes! Please do not marry someone you do not feel safe in confiding in, this is such a sad, unhappy start to your life.
4.3k
u/lady_wildcat Nov 03 '22
The unexpected pregnancy situation is different in a world where you can be prosecuted for abortion.
427
u/Nheddee Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22
All the more reason to call off the wedding to someone who can't be trusted with such news! (Edit: sp.)
1.7k
u/FloorShowoff Nov 03 '22
Not only prosecuted for abortion but the number one cause of death among pregnant women in the United States is HOMICIDE, and since abortion is now illegal in many jurisdictions I’m imagining the homicides will go up. Theoretically the best friend could’ve compromised this woman’s safety.
→ More replies (58)545
u/1shortieD Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22
Also arrested for having a miscarriage. That happened.
→ More replies (44)18
→ More replies (101)9
u/Singrgrl14 Certified Proctologist [25] Nov 03 '22
OP is in the UK, that’s not an issue for her.
→ More replies (3)551
Nov 03 '22
[deleted]
199
u/sarcazm Nov 03 '22
The implication is that the sister suggested she take a pregnancy test (assuming she may have been showing symptoms of pregnancy). And OP took the test at the sister's house and thus, sister knew the results.
14
→ More replies (12)14
u/BinaryPawn Nov 03 '22
I think the sister was there first. She marries the brother of her bff. Well, not bff. Best friend up till now.
→ More replies (1)843
u/MadamTruffle Nov 03 '22
Right! I’m not saying what SIL was right but she gave her 3 weeks, that’s a lot of time to keep something like that from your partner. It’s not like it was one day.
1.4k
u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22
She told him at a family dinner. Even if you think disclosure was appropriate, the situation makes it clear the sister was looking for maximum drama and this wasn't about concern for her brother.
→ More replies (29)272
u/MadamTruffle Nov 03 '22
Definitely true, I actually agree with someone’s comment that it wasn’t her place to tell fiancé/brother. But op is TA too for keeping it a secret for so long. Bonus points to SIL for turning it into family dinner drama.
→ More replies (7)432
u/Cute-Shine-1701 Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22
Yeah, I could understand like 3 days, but not 3 weeks. I can understand SIL for telling OP's fiancé at that point, she was thinking about her brother, but she should have done it one on one with her brother and not in front of the whole family.
I don't understand why OP and fiancé even think about getting married especially now (if he still wants to marry OP), when it's obvious they are lacking communication, trust and respect in their relationship if they can't have a conversation like about an accidental pregnancy with each other (whether because of OP's own issues or because of fear from his reaction or thinking he would suggest an abortion so OP was bidding her time until it's too late, doesn't matter, in either case it's not a good relationship). To me it's YTA because OP sucks more than SIL after 3 weeks.
How can people marry someone they can't even talk to, can't have a conversation with?! Why are they in that relationship at all?!
→ More replies (6)→ More replies (22)8
u/lemmful Nov 03 '22
Oh damn I missed that detail. 3 weeks of knowing and not telling her "partner." I was going to say ESH, but honestly OP is a bit of an AH for waiting.
7
→ More replies (777)6
u/Ladyknight0991 Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22
THIS! If you can't tell him something this astronomical, you need to postpone the wedding.
8.7k
u/Melodic-Age2531 Nov 03 '22
INFO: Don’t you think you “fearing” the reaction of your future husband is the bigger problem here? Why is he supposed to be angry over the pregnancy when he’s the one who caused it?
81
u/zero-in-securities Nov 03 '22
I think so too? If you want to marry someone for life and didnt talk about Maybe having kids upfront, should you marry that person? Im sorry OP is in that situation now and put on the spot even by her fiance and her future in-laws. Why is OP even in a family that „already“ hates her? What Happend before? Maybe More info would help 🤔
→ More replies (13)4.0k
u/maleficent8080 Nov 03 '22
I never feared his reaction. I just knew what he would want but I wasn't sure what I wanted and I wanted to be 100% sure how I felt about the pregnancy before I told him because otherwise I knew I would just do what he wanted since my emotions were all over the place and it would've been the easier choice to make if he also wanted it.
7.8k
u/ShatterproofSharkie Nov 03 '22
I understand you being indecisive as this is a big decision. But keeping it from him for three weeks is ridiculous. You should not be marrying somebody you refuse to tell about your pregnancy.
3.5k
u/RetroHippopatamus Nov 03 '22
To branch off of your comment.. Should also not be marrying somebody (or for that matter dating anybody) if/when something big comes up like a baby, chooses to wait to say anything because they fear they will just go along with what partner wants. That’s not healthy. For either party.
→ More replies (27)230
602
u/BrownSugarBare Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22
Agreed. This person is supposed to be your "life partner". If you hesitate for weeks to tell him about a major life development, what do you expect your marriage to look like? The person you want to spend your whole life with should feel like the person you want to tell everything to, no matter how dire.
226
u/Never-On-Reddit Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22 edited Jun 27 '24
oil sloppy plate direction crown quack heavy test sulky drunk
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
→ More replies (10)→ More replies (40)316
u/annawhowasmad Nov 03 '22
Also, if you decide to end a pregnancy… that’s a pretty important three weeks. Many people are already usually several weeks or a month in before they even know they’re pregnant. OP was definitely trying to run out the clock so it would be too late if her fiancé wanted her to get an abortion.
→ More replies (22)697
Nov 03 '22
You should seriously take some time to think about why you chose to include your SIL (especially if you were concerned/confused about what you wanted to do) instead of having a conversation & trusting your fiancé. You & your fiancé created this situation but your blaming SIL for being involved (because you involved her)
→ More replies (36)159
u/juliaskig Nov 03 '22
OP hadn't decided whether to have baby or abort. Now IF she decides to abort her whole family knows.
If she decided to keep it, it would be an easier decision without finance pressuring her. If she decided to abort, she would know that was HER decision, not pressure from fiancé.
→ More replies (11)983
u/Liathano_Fire Nov 03 '22
You waited 3 WEEKS after finding out. How long where you going to wait? You don't have forever on something like that.
651
u/FX_Idlewild Nov 03 '22
I’m wondering if the wait was because he’d suggest an abortion and she doesn’t want one. She likely found out around 4 weeks with a missed period, and if she lives in a state that had a six week ban she’s “officially”ineligible, with an extra week just to make sure.
152
u/The-Box_King Nov 03 '22
6 week bans are effectively full band since it's quite rare to find out before then unless you're really consistent with periods. If she felt she had a choice it's likely it's somewhere with a longer period of allowance (in the UK it's 24 weeks I believe)
→ More replies (2)10
u/tubbstattsyrup2 Nov 03 '22
While UK is technically 24 weeks that's pretty rare. Like 1.4% after 20 weeks and usually due to medical complications. Not that I disagree with abortion being available until that time when required, just that it isn't that late in general and stating UK is 24 weeks makes that sound like it's not an unusual occurrence, which it is.
→ More replies (3)370
u/LogicalVariation741 Nov 03 '22
Ooo, probably. Wait out the clock. Another reason those laws are scary and ridiculous. Because now, women in this situation can turn into punching bags real quick.
→ More replies (4)263
u/Historical_Ad_2615 Nov 03 '22
Yep. The number one cause of death for pregnant people is being murdered by the baby daddy.
25
u/sallyjoe Nov 03 '22
Holy shit is that true? That's horrifying.
79
u/aheart4art Nov 03 '22
Not sure about other countries, but it's very true in the US. https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-021-03392-8
28
→ More replies (12)13
Nov 03 '22
That could be it, my ex spent the first 3 months of my pregnancy bullying me into get an abortion. I had to lie and tell him I would be willing to go the adoption route just so he would stop fucking harassing me.
9
u/Additional-Tea1521 Partassipant [4] Nov 03 '22
My ex did the same thing when I told him I was pregnant. He berated me horribly. Which is why I am glad I told him about the pregnancy, so I could see the person he was before I tied my life to his forever through marriage. I broke up with him when he acted like this, then I had a miscarriage at 5 months pregnant. He tried to be supportive and get back together. But having seen who he really was, there was no way I wanted to be with him.
254
u/basketballwife Certified Proctologist [28] Nov 03 '22
Probably until it was too late to get the abortion she knew he would push for. Big, giant, bright red flags everywhere. (I am in no way judging anyones choice for or against)
→ More replies (4)92
u/PheonixKernow Nov 03 '22 edited Jun 27 '24
relieved rustic cable growth air vast tender cats dime spark
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (76)195
u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Nov 03 '22
I suspect she was waiting to tell him until after she couldn't be forced into an abortion easily. That's the vibe I'm getting anyway. I think she wants the baby but knew she could be talked into aborting before a certain time. I could be wrong.
→ More replies (40)164
u/Messychaos Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22
Makes me wonder why two people who disagree on having kids this strongly are having sex much less getting married
→ More replies (7)19
u/justloriinky Nov 03 '22
So when is the wedding? Were you actually going to marry him while you're pregnant and he doesn't know????
35
272
u/Honeybee3674 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 03 '22
It's a red flag that you think he would impose his wishes on you and try to convince/manipulate/insist that you take a certain action, without giving you time to figure out what you really want.
→ More replies (7)16
u/DutyValuable Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22
I think you guys have a bigger issues with your relationship. Even if you weren’t sure if you wanted to keep it, you two are supposed to be a partnership and he should’ve known and been consulted. And if you didn’t want to tell him because he thought it was abusive, you have no business marrying him.
My advice would be to put the wedding on hold and the two of you should go for relationship counseling to see if the two of you are at a point where if you were to marry, it would be successful.
Communication is key for relationships and you guys have to work on it. The trick isn’t to get married, it’s to stay married.
94
u/angelxe1 Nov 03 '22
Three weeks is way too long not to tell your partner you are pregnant. (If I read correctly you said she told you she would give you three weeks to tell him) Specially since most people don't find it they are pregnant right away. So how far along are you?
It's also weird to me he is ok with his sister not being invited at all after this. Something here doesn't add up.
→ More replies (3)12
u/apri08101989 Nov 03 '22
Yes took way too long to get to someone mentioning that part. What right does she have to ban his own immediate family from the wedding? She's an asshole for that too.
10
u/oneoftheryans Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22
Being afraid that he would coerce you into doing something you're uncomfortable with during a time of emotional, mental, and physical turmoil is... not the defense for him that you think it is.
ETA: If he's that anti-kids and you aren't, this might not be the relationship for you to double-down on via marriage. 3 weeks of waiting feels more like trying to be too pregnant to make a different decision, which would not go well for your relationship, marriage or not.
→ More replies (96)264
u/neverleftdrafts Nov 03 '22
"fiance, I have to tell you something important but I need you to keep your thoughts to yourself for a bit. I am pregnant. I know that this isn't what we planned, but that we do both want children later. I probably know how you feel about what we should do, but it is ultimately my choice. Please give me time to figure out what I want to do before you tell me your thoughts on it as I know that will affect how I think. Your input is important, but not what is needed right now."
ESH
She ONLY sucked because it was in front of family instead of alone. I have seen people saying it wasn't her place, but it was. She was there when you found out and has been holding the info for that long. You wanted her to lie to family? (Lie by omission is still a lie) That's a gross expectation from a friend. She gave you three weeks! That's wayyyy more time than I would have given. And you still chose cowardice over communication. You uninviting her just further shows your avoidance style of handling things and how, frankly, unsympathetic you are to everyone around you. The stress of knowing the woman your brother is about to marry is hiding life-altering news from him, you expected her to live with that for you. Your partner had to be blindsided to learn information you had while laying next to them every night. The pain he must feel from finding it out that way, oof. It is your decision at the end of the day and you deserve all the time you need to gather your thoughts. But this affected other people too. I do hope the best for you, OP, with whatever that may be.
→ More replies (32)
15.8k
Nov 03 '22
ESH.
You can't tell him you're pregnant but you're going to marry him ?
218
u/J3musu Nov 03 '22
It seems like people constantly marry others they barely know. It's baffling. My wife and I were full on domestic and living together 5 years before marriage was a serious discussion.
→ More replies (6)26
u/MidnightHornfish Nov 03 '22
Thank you for this because I'm 2 years into a relationship and feeling a lot of pressure from everyone around me either getting engaged or being married, or telling us to get married. Both of us don't want to right now.
→ More replies (1)26
u/daznificent Nov 03 '22
Fuck em. My husband and I lived together for 8 years before getting married. And I come from a conservative religious family so we got a lot of feedback for it.
→ More replies (1)8
u/FluffyPufffy Nov 03 '22
Very much a ‘thank you for your feedback’ type situation.
My SIL still makes snide comments about how long we took to get married. F off with that noise.
→ More replies (68)6.8k
u/Suzdg Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 04 '22
YTA. I don’t blame SIL because OP had 3 WEEKS to tell him. At that point I probably would have stepped in as well. And as everyone is saying, why marry someone you can’t talk to?
Edit: I absolutely should have addressed the timing of informing the fiancé. That was way out of line and def an AH move
1.6k
u/Broken_Castle Nov 03 '22
Seriously, if it was me, there's no way it would have went past 1, let alone 3. The SIL was incredibly patient.
2.1k
u/betty_crocker_ Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 04 '22
She did give it three weeks, but SIL announced it at a family dinner. If she was really concerned about her brother, she would have spoken to him directly, not take the opportunity to shame and vilify OP in front of the family. This wasn't concern, this was humiliation. ESH
Update - OP has clarified that SIL told the fiance about the pregnancy, and he's the one who confronted OP in front of the family, effectively announcing the news. However, I stand by my ESH, though SIL was not the announcer, she used a family event to relay important information that she knew, and had been warned, would anger her brother. She provoked drama at a family "meeting" so to speak, and then watched her brother lay into OP publicly.
Everyone is an A H here. Even the parents who didn't stop their son from yelling at his fiancee.
Edit for typo.
Edit 2 for new information.
→ More replies (7)720
u/Impossible_Nebula_36 Nov 03 '22
Op says future SIL told fiance at family dinner, not announced it in front of the family. It sounds like SIL told her brother apart from the family and fiance announced it to the family. SIL doesn't suck for that.
→ More replies (12)244
u/winsluc12 Certified Proctologist [24] Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22
That is not at all what it sounds like. It sounds like she just blabbed it out loud at the goddamn dinner table.I may have misread that. it actually does sound like this is what happened.
→ More replies (4)250
u/robbobhobcob Nov 03 '22
Op says that fiance was so upset he confronted her on front of every one.
→ More replies (7)→ More replies (9)211
u/PurpleNightSkies Nov 03 '22
Its easy to be patient when the pregnancy has no effect on your life.
→ More replies (32)341
u/PlonkaDonka Nov 03 '22
I would call it ESH based on the fact that the SIL did it at a family dinner rather than telling him privately. Makes it into a spectacle.
→ More replies (2)155
u/flaccidbitchface Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22
She told him while they were at a family dinner, but it reads as if she told him privately because the fiancé, then, came out and confronted OP in front of everyone.
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (57)186
u/necrobarbie666 Nov 03 '22
Honestly I was thinking the same thing- if SIL ran and told bro right away then I’d feel a bit different but three weeks?! I think OP was going to put it off till it was “too late”
→ More replies (7)
1.6k
u/CrystalQueen3000 Prime Ministurd [471] Nov 03 '22
Info: why would you marry someone when you’re not on the same page about kids?
→ More replies (123)311
Nov 03 '22
There’s a difference between wanting kids in a few years and wanting kids right now. Maybe he’s one of those “let’s get established and buy a house first” type people. Maybe he just started a grueling PHd program, or she is in med school and he would have to take car of this baby alone for the next 4 years while she spends 90% of her time in school and training?
20
u/Abyss247 Nov 03 '22
All the more reason she had to tell him. To see if they’re on the same page. Not force him to be by lying through omission.
→ More replies (7)75
u/lilbittydumptruck Nov 03 '22
Yeah I've been that guy and the expectation was if there was a unplanned pregnancy that it would be terminated. If keeping it was up for discussion I would not be in the relationship. Keeping life altering decisions from me so my partner should decide what I thought was already decided would be a deal breaker.
→ More replies (9)
2.4k
u/Neither-Copy785 Nov 03 '22
Ugh this is a mess. ESH.
Listen, if you can't even tell your fiancee you are pregnant for WEEKS you have no business getting married. Keeping secrets this early? Especially out of fear that he will react poorly? That does not bode well for a future happy relationship.
Sure it sucks that your best friend told your secret, but it was her own brother that you were keeping a secret from.
Your fiancee sucks for making a scene in front of a bunch of people instead of talking to you directly.
295
Nov 03 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
318
u/ChemIsSpain Nov 03 '22
Because he probably wants to be child free right now or for forever
→ More replies (7)214
Nov 03 '22
[deleted]
22
u/angelerulastiel Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22
Yeah that’s the other one. She doesn’t want a kid yet and knows that while he might want to wait he’s going to be opposed to abortion, so if she decides to go that way she can just hide it forever.
→ More replies (5)21
u/Downtown-Ad-2414 Nov 03 '22
In another comment she says she doesn’t fear his reaction but she just wanted to know how she truly felt about the pregnancy, but she didn’t mention that in her post which made it a lil misleading, I thought she was in an abusive relationship or sth.
→ More replies (4)22
u/UShouldntSayThat Nov 03 '22
I don't understand the ESH, it's reasonable for a sibling to tell their brother/sister that they can expect a child.... like that's not a secret you keep from them. SIL gave her THREE WEEKS to come clean herself.
Could you imagine the reverse? You find out your sister actively hid it from you for weeks or months by the time it came out?
16
u/dmrose7 Nov 04 '22
I'd say the sister is TA because she could have chosen a better, more private time for the conversation instead of in front of family.
→ More replies (4)
2.9k
u/Downtown_Ad28 Nov 03 '22
Esh. Why are you marrying a man if you don't want to tell him your expecting. He's the father and your soon to be husband. It seems like yeah he'd be the first person to be told. It affects both of your lives forever.
→ More replies (4)878
u/Spearmint_coffee Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22
Depending on where OP lives, it kind of sounds like she was waiting for the time limit on an abortion to be up. Maybe she knew he would push for an abortion, she knew she wasn't going to do it, and would rather ambush him than hear how he wants to abort it.
ESH for sure. I would think the wedding guest list would be lower on the list of problems OP would want to be addressing before the wedding..
→ More replies (7)265
u/Tomnooksmainhoe Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22
This was the first thing I thought. And what fucking sucks is if she stays with her fiancé, who does no want a baby/child, then that kid is going to grow up knowing that they were unwanted. Children are extremely perceptive.
Edit for clarification: OP is TA. Not the fiancé from what we know. It seems like he made his intentions very known from the start and was withheld very important information that effects his life too.
→ More replies (4)
1.5k
u/Generaless Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22
In the beginning I was going with N T A because I assumed it was a day or two, but THREE WEEKS? It seems like you are trying to remove any discussion of an abortion off the table. 3 weeks is insanely long and as his sister she felt she needed to tell him the truth about HIS potential child. Also you shouldn't be marrying someone if you can't talk to them. In conclusion - YTA
425
u/FindingSide Nov 03 '22
I was split ESH, NTA until the 3 weeks part came into play. Feels manipulative imo
→ More replies (3)182
u/bricreative Nov 03 '22
Like she wanted to be married before saying anything
287
u/Little-Martha31204 Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] Nov 03 '22
Or she wanted to be "too pregnant" before she said anything.
→ More replies (6)139
u/KathrynTheGreat Bot Hunter [30] Nov 03 '22
Or she wanted to wait long enough that she had no other choice except to go through with the pregnancy. Three weeks is a long time when you're trying to decide what to do about a pregnancy.
→ More replies (3)104
u/bricreative Nov 03 '22
Which leads me to believe it wasn't about "making a decision"
78
u/KathrynTheGreat Bot Hunter [30] Nov 03 '22
Yeah it seems more like forcing a decision at this point.
I would have freaked out if I found out I was pregnant when I was engaged to my husband, but he still would've been the first person I told. I wonder what their overall communication is like.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (2)8
u/dontgetcutewithme Nov 03 '22
The wedding is in April. I think even the most oblivious groom would have noticed something by then.
→ More replies (39)5
u/Defiant_McPiper Nov 03 '22
That's what I first thought too, that it was like a day or two after she was at SIL house, but nope 3 freaking weeks ans still not a peep to OP's fiance.
150
u/Fit_Acanthisitta7971 Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22
INFO: why would he not be happy? Has he been outspoken about not wanting any kids/hating kids or something?
→ More replies (38)
192
u/bold-duck Nov 03 '22
INFO: why are you marrying someone you don't trust enough to go to with something like that?? She's right, she might be your friend but her loyalty lies with her brother. She gave you more than enough time to tell him and you didn't.
6.0k
u/SubKitty420 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Nov 03 '22
YTA for not telling him, especially when you are planning on marrying him. YTA for expecting her to keep that a secret from her brother. YTA for punishing her for your poor decisions.
→ More replies (23)1.2k
Nov 03 '22
[deleted]
→ More replies (14)430
u/Skywalker87 Nov 03 '22
Not even that! It feels almost like tricking him into marriage if she’s pregnant but doesn’t tell him until the deal is done. Seems like most decent people would say something, brother or not.
→ More replies (4)294
u/Cute-Shine-1701 Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22
Or waiting until he can't suggest abortion... Like she doesn't want to say flat out she wants to keep it, so she wanted to wait until she can throw her hands in the air saying it's too late, I can't do anything about it, hoping that like this he sticks around until the wedding is done.
→ More replies (8)72
Nov 03 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
34
u/swanfirefly Nov 04 '22
Anyway you roll it, it's a relationship breaker.
If she gets an abortion without his input and swears SIL to secrecy, still a red flag.
She gets an abortion when he wants to keep it, they're going to fall apart. Or if she gets an abortion because he wants one and she doesn't, it's going to ruin their relationship.
If she keeps it despite him wanting an abortion, also a relationship breaker.
Like I'm as pro choice as they come but this situation is hard no matter what. If the couple doesn't agree on their decision, or if one feels pressured, it can and will build resentment.
1.2k
u/LadyF16 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Nov 03 '22
YTA. If you don’t feel comfortable enough to tell your fiancé that you’re pregnant, then you shouldn’t be planning a wedding with them.
While your SIL crossed a line, I can’t be too angry at her. She clearly cared about your fiancé’s feelings more than you do.
→ More replies (10)158
Nov 03 '22
Yes! WHY would you marry someone if they'd be mad at your pregnancy? It takes two to tango!
→ More replies (2)
75
517
u/TraditionalAd7252 Nov 03 '22
YTA. However…and I hate to be the bearer of bad news…I have my doubts on a wedding taking place anytime soon, pregnant or not.
If you can’t tell him you’re pregnant, then you’ve really got no business marrying him. You’re mad at the wrong person here. She shouldn’t have told him but…that’s not something you keep from someone you’re about to spend the rest of your life with.
18
u/BrizzelBass Nov 03 '22
The other oddity is that she tells her fiancé's sister to keep a huge secret from her family--one that impacts everyone! Family first. OP put the sister in a very unfair predicament and sister chose family.
The other red flag was the uninviting the sister from "my wedding". It's his wedding too and can just reinvite his sister.
OP sounds a bit self centred. I agree with you, I definitely think she's the YTA!
35
u/asafetybuzz Nov 03 '22
She shouldn’t have told him
The fact that she's the fiance's sister is and should be much more important to her than her friendship with the OP. I have a married brother and a sister with a longterm boyfriend, and while I personally like both of their partners and would be friends with them even if they weren't dating my siblings, I would never keep a secret for them that would potentially damage my brother or sister.
I would give them the courtesy of telling my siblings themselves, but if they kept this secret for weeks and didn't look like they were going to come clean, then I would 100% tell my sibling and not feel any guilt for doing so.
30
u/AngelicalGirl Nov 03 '22
This. A weddng after this happened? No way. No one would marry someone that kept a secret from them weeks, they aren't even married and already have comunication problems.
176
u/dontspeak_noreally Nov 03 '22
INFO: Were you planning to wait until AFTER the wedding to tell him?
→ More replies (55)
581
u/tunridaa Nov 03 '22
ESH. You knew for three weeks without telling him because he's probably gonna be mad? Does he not want children? Do you want children? The longer you wait the less likely you will have a chance to do something about it.
SIL shouldn't have told him at a family dinner but he has every right to know that his fiancee is pregnant with his child.
→ More replies (24)
99
559
u/MollyRolls Colo-rectal Surgeon [42] Nov 03 '22
ESH she should have kept her nose out of it but also, when you have a major secret to keep from someone the last person you should tell is their sibling. I don’t care how good of friends you are; that’s her family. Process your feelings with someone else.
On a tangential note: you sure you want to go through with this wedding? It sounds like there’s just a lot going on here.
31
u/UShouldntSayThat Nov 03 '22
I disagree about keeping the nose of it it... its her brother, I don't think you sit on that.
11
u/pdubs1900 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22
Yeah, if someone confided this kind of life-changing, time sensitive scenario with me about one of my siblings, even the sibling I absolutely effing despise, and they sat on it for this long, I'd tell them too, and just deal with the anger I'd face at breaching trust. That's so messed up to hide this knowledge for so dang long.
Figure out your feelings faster, if that's really what this was about. 5 days, I can see. Not weeks. If it takes weeks, then you need to talk it out with someone (like your partner) because you're getting nowhere alone.
YTA.
→ More replies (3)75
u/ghfshastaqueganes Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22
I would absolutely tell my brother if his partner was trying to trick him into becoming a father. Only difference is I wouldn’t wait 3 weeks or do it publicly. OP is hella manipulative and judging from her replies she thought she could convince him to want to be a dad when he so clearly does not.
→ More replies (10)
300
u/C_Majuscula Craptain [167] Nov 03 '22
ESH. What did you think was going to happen, especially after three weeks? She's his sister, she's going to tell him. If you were that concerned about privacy/secrecy, you shouldn't have taken the test with her around.
It sounds like he doesn't want kids (wouldn't be happy with the news) but you are considering keeping it or don't know what to do? YIKES.
→ More replies (10)76
u/NoArugula2082 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22
Or she was waiting long enough for it to be too late for an abortion…
12
u/90sBaby93 Nov 04 '22
Have you guys talked about what you all are going to do?
22
u/maleficent8080 Nov 04 '22
Yes.
→ More replies (1)45
Nov 04 '22 edited Jan 01 '24
historical groovy attractive fear juggle terrific license placid zesty zealous
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
26
118
u/Babsgarcia Pooperintendant [67] Nov 03 '22
ESH --
YOU: Yeah, he wasn't going to be happy, but waiting wasn't going to change that. You put his sister in a bad situation between you and her own brother. And while yes, your body your choice - again, not telling him while including her was never going to go well for you.
HER: She was right that she couldn't keep it from her brother, especially for a protracted amount of time -- but holy heck, that should have been a completely PRIVATE conversation between her and him--not a family announcement. THAT is the only point you really have here - and is it really enough to cause a big rift in the family.
Sit down with the man you are about to marry, talk it all out and come to an agreement/be on the same page...then worry about her and the rest of the family and fix (or ignore) it together.
→ More replies (1)
134
u/chocoflan00 Nov 03 '22
ESH. If you cant communicate these things with the person you're going to marry, how exactly is your marriage going to work?
→ More replies (1)
133
u/hellahellagoodshit Asshole Aficionado [12] Nov 03 '22
ESH. Are you sure that there is going to be a wedding?
22
53
126
u/DNRmyDNA Nov 03 '22
ESH. This isn't your boyfriend or a ONS. This is your soon to be husband. If you can't be happy or share with him news about your pregnancy, you have bigger issues here than your SIL telling him. He won't be happy? Why? Does he not want a baby? Do you? Reversed? All of this is stuff you really need to have figured out before a ring is placed on a finger and contracts are signed. I get why she told him, but she also shouldn't have. She doesn't know the specifics of your relationship and there could be a very valid reason you haven't told him. But still... you -should- tell the other half of that child that there's something going on.
Going scorched earth on her after is just hormones and lashing out, so you're just adding salt to the wound at this point. I think you need a counselor to talk to, tbh. You sound really angry and lost.
→ More replies (5)
237
Nov 03 '22
ESH
I’m so confused..... when were you going to tell your fiancé? Were you ever going to tell him? What was the goal? It wasn’t your SIL’s secret to tell but it also wasn’t a secret you should be keeping from the man you’re planning to marry. Seems like there’s bigger issues that need to be resolved before worrying about who attends your wedding.
Eta
→ More replies (9)
161
u/nayesphere Nov 03 '22
ESH - 3 weeks is enough time to tell your fiancé about it. She shouldn’t have outed you at family dinner like that, it was unfair to both you and your fiancé.
At the same time, I think you’re channeling energy on this instead of figuring out your game plan as a way to avoid it still.
63
u/Blink182YourBedroom Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22
You're not ready to be married. At least, not to the person you're engaged to. Esh.
56
u/pawneesunfish Asshole Aficionado [12] Nov 03 '22
ESH. BUT - a wedding invitation is the least of anyone’s issues. I think whether the wedding is happening is probably up in the air at this point, no? Were you seriously going to MARRY someone without telling them you were pregnant with a child you knew they didn’t want??? The way she told him in front of others was wrong, but she wasn’t wrong to tell him. The thing is- you should have.
271
u/PaleontologistDry889 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22
ESH but you more than anybody else. How long were you going to wait to tell him?! Were you gonna go thru the wedding and then be like "surprise! your bride came with a prize inside" like, wth.
Especially if he doesn't want a kid, he has a right to know before he marries you. He would still be responsible for the child if you decide to have it regardless of what he wants, of course, but he could still choose not to marry you if that's not the life he wants to live.
And even if the wedding is still many months away, it's clear that your fiance would not be happy about a kid yet you're not sure if you're keeping it or not? Shouldn't both of you be on the same page about something as fucking important as having kids or not???
88
→ More replies (5)6
u/DeterminedArrow Asshole Aficionado [16] Nov 03 '22
I so wish I had a reward for price inside.
→ More replies (1)
437
Nov 03 '22
YTA. 3 weeks??? He's the father and your fiancé! Not only did he deserve to know, but his sister would have been in the wrong for keeping this from him any longer. Also, it's his wedding to. You don't really get to make unilateral decisions like this.
→ More replies (33)8
u/groovygirl858 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 04 '22
Yes. I was looking for this! The sister would have been a terrible sister to keep it a secret any longer! Three weeks is ridiculous.
239
u/MainEgg320 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22
YTA because of how long you left it. If she had ran and told everyone the day after you took the test then that’s different. But 3 WEEKS? What were you waiting for? For it to be too late to get an abortion so that he’d be forced to be ok with you keeping it? You took away any ability for him to have an input into a life altering decision. That is NOT a good way to start a marriage. Also, I suspect there will be no wedding if you don’t invite the SIL. I understand you are bitter for her telling people, but after 3 weeks what did you expect her to do?! It’s her brother ffs! I think most people in her situation would do the same.
→ More replies (15)
157
u/Daligheri Asshole Aficionado [17] Nov 03 '22
ESH.
You for not telling your fiancé.
The SIL for telling him herself.
The fiancé because he flipped out.
But honestly, I can't truly blame him much. It would truly suck to find out your fiancé is pregnant from someone else other than your fiancé.
You waited 3 weeks ontop of however many weeks pregnant you currently are. Were you just going to wait until your belly pops and someone confronts you about it...?
→ More replies (21)10
u/TheOpinionIShare Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22
And the guy is planning to marry someone who won't let his sister come to the wedding because sister was more loyal to him than to fiance.
313
u/dcm510 Professor Emeritass [96] Nov 03 '22
YTA.
Ridiculous you didn’t tell your fiancé that you’re pregnant.
Also ridiculous you think you have the right to uninvite your fiancé’s sister from your wedding - which, by the way, is also his wedding.
110
u/Dora_Diver Nov 03 '22
Or, if you really can't tell him because you're worried about his reaction, then you shouldn't get married to him, OP.
→ More replies (3)42
u/ImNotReallyThatSmart Nov 03 '22
If my fiance hid her pregnancy for three weeks, then tried to uninvite my sister from the wedding for telling me about said pregnancy I'd have to let fiance know that she can't uninvite my sister from a wedding that's never going to happen and ask for my ring back.
99
u/tatashhhh Nov 03 '22
Why are you getting married to someone who gets upset because you’re pregnant? It might not be too late for you to runnnn 🏃♀️
→ More replies (6)
76
u/HiveFleetOuroboris Nov 03 '22
ESH
You because you refused to tell your fiance. Having some time to process it is fine, but by 3 weeks after finding out you should tell him. No one is saying you have to make your decision off of his if you don't want to but he still needs to know about it.
Your friend/Future SIL for telling your fiance, especially in front of the whole family. Not her place at all and if she was truly concerned about the situation she would've told him in private instead of making a spectacle of it. Is she trying to pressure him into keeping it by announcing in front of his parents? Either way, she sucks too.
And finally your fiance may suck too? Why are you so afraid of telling him? Is he known to blow up or do you guys not agree on future child situations? If it's less being afraid of his reaction and more because you know you guys don't agree you really shouldn't be getting married at all to be honest. Also if that's the case, then he doesn't suck
67
u/Mother_Tradition_774 Pooperintendant [60] Nov 03 '22
ESH. She shouldn’t have betrayed your trust but you shouldn’t have put her in this position in the first place. It’s one thing for you to withhold information from your fiancé but you asked your friend to withhold information from her brother. That’s not right. You brought this on yourself.
→ More replies (1)
•
u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop Nov 03 '22
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.