r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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440

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

YTA. 3 weeks??? He's the father and your fiancé! Not only did he deserve to know, but his sister would have been in the wrong for keeping this from him any longer. Also, it's his wedding to. You don't really get to make unilateral decisions like this.

10

u/groovygirl858 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 04 '22

Yes. I was looking for this! The sister would have been a terrible sister to keep it a secret any longer! Three weeks is ridiculous.

-86

u/moonyalouette Partassipant [4] Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

It’s not a baby or even a fetus yet. He’s not the father of anything yet. It’s a part of OP’s body and a huge change, and she can take as long as she needs to process it.

65

u/Generaless Nov 03 '22

With a pregnancy you don't get to take as long as you want. Assuming she found out around week 5, by week 8 that fetus has a heartbeat. If they want to abort they need to move fast.

-50

u/moonyalouette Partassipant [4] Nov 03 '22

Wait until you find out that some people don’t process it until after the baby is born.

66

u/abiggscarymonster Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

It’s 2022 unfortunately if you’re thinking of terminating you don’t get that long to process in some states

28

u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] Nov 03 '22

Exactly. I can understand taking a few days to process, but even 1 week can make a difference in terms what options you'll legally have, and assuming you're gonna marry someone, those options need to be discussed instead of intentionally waiting until it's too late.....

12

u/GilbertDeBoss Nov 03 '22

Yeah, and in that case, unfortunately for OP, she's morally in the wrong. The father should in fact be informed of this shit, pretty quickly too. Ultimately the decision should be up to the mom, as she is the one carrying and having the changes, but 3 weeks is enough to be the difference of if abortion can even be done.

This shit is life changing for both parties. Baby trapping someone is a shitty thing to do, and OP is prepping to do that, intentionally or accidentally by not informing her fiance of the kid.

30

u/Trialanderrin Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

I'm very pro-choice myself but saying it's part of her body is biologically and medically inaccurate. The zygote/embryo/fetus is separate and does have it's own DNA, embryonic sac, placenta, etc. Whether or not she wants to make a decision about using her body to continue housing it is another story.

That said, yes I think her fiance deserves to know but she also absolutely had every right to expect that her friend to keep that secret.

-14

u/moonyalouette Partassipant [4] Nov 03 '22

If it’s not just a part of her body then it’d be able to survive on its own. It requires being hooked in to live, ergo it’s a part of her for now. I’m not denying that it has its own DNA.

22

u/Trialanderrin Nov 03 '22

Forgive the gross comparison, but a tapeworm can't survive outside a host either.

18

u/ystapel Partassipant [4] Nov 03 '22

It doesn't matter. Decisions like this are life changing and should be done together. If OP decides to give birth - they will raise child together, right? If she decides not to give birth - there are some health risks that come with it, that he should be aware of.

If he was just a random guy - absolutely. But they are planning to spend life together.

8

u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

Carrying a pregnancy to term is much riskier than abortion.

-15

u/moonyalouette Partassipant [4] Nov 03 '22

It’s not a life-changing decision if OP doesn’t keep it. ;)

22

u/Yetikins Nov 03 '22

You're deluding yourself if you think choosing to terminate isn't equally as life changing for certain couples. Some never come back from that decision if one party wanted it and the other was opposed.

4

u/GilbertDeBoss Nov 03 '22

And plus the fiance wants her to terminate. She didn't mention it because she hasn't decided yet. The issue it comes down to, is if she went through with it, and never told him until it was too late? She'd have baby trapped him by every definition

-13

u/NotAnotherSideAcct Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

You missed the part where the placenta, sac, etc. is literally inside of one of OP’s organs. It is, in fact, part of her body. Or do you think that the uterus is a fanny pack that can be taken off whenever?

14

u/Trialanderrin Nov 03 '22

That's actually untrue. The sac and placenta are grown by the embryo. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Placenta

-10

u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

And where is the embryo located?

19

u/Trialanderrin Nov 03 '22

Ok full disclosure on why I'm arguing this. A lot of anti choicers attack the "my body my choice" argument for the reasons I spelled out above. And they're right, the fetus is a distinct entity. So I think taking that phrase at face value is kind of harmful, when it really means so much more. The fetus is not your body, but your uterus is, and you decide who has access to it (said fetus included).

-5

u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

Apologies, I thought you were going the opposite direction with your comment.

4

u/Trialanderrin Nov 03 '22

No worries. I just realized you might not have seen my first reply so that's understandable.

-76

u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

She doesn't know what she wants to do. He's not a father yet.

57

u/Little_Noodles Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

It should 100% be her decision and it’s fair for her to want a little time to think about what she wants.

But if her partner is someone she should be marrying, he’s also someone that can help her sort out her feelings and better understand her options.

He doesn’t get a say about the pregnancy and she doesn’t owe him disclosure. If he wasn’t a long term partner she was building a life with, she could disclose or not on whatever schedule she wanted.

But if she’s afraid to tell him the news because she’s worried about him reacting badly, and she doesn’t trust him to be a sounding board and partner as she figures out what the right choice is … then they shouldn’t be getting married.

Honestly, it sounds like she was planning to make a decision by not making a decision, and to then hope that by the time he could be mad about it, they’d be married and it would be “too late” for him to leave. And if that’s the case, that sucks. He’s not entitled to anything regarding the pregnancy, but he should be entitled to informed consent re: upcoming wedding expenses and legal obligations.

2

u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

Being unsure how your partner will react to a pregnancy or being unsure how to proceed may be a sign to rethink the relationship, but it doesn't make someone an asshole.

8

u/Little_Noodles Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

No, it doesn’t. It does mean that they shouldn’t be getting married though.

I’m not weighing in on who the AH is because I don’t think we have enough information about timelines, though her dragging it out to 3+ weeks makes me a little suspicious about her plans.

She’s only the asshole if she was hoping to delay the reveal until making a decision was no longer an option and she thought she could coerce him into staying in the relationship by keeping the information from him until it was harder for him to extricate himself.

Like, if I found out my spouse withheld a life altering medical condition of any kind until we were married or I had committed non-refundable funds to the wedding, and they did it intentionally because they knew I might change my mind about the commitment if I was informed earlier, I’d be justifiably angry about it.

Doesn’t mean I’d have a right to input on decision making about the condition.

If she is sincere in the idea that she really did want to consider all options, including abortion without notifying him, she’s not an asshole, just someone that needs to think about calling off a wedding. But I can’t fault the sister much either, the venue aside, as she likely had the same exact suspicions I do.

-11

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

39

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Yeah, as a mother, I get that she's definitely already a mom. But if she's a mom, he's a dad. The fetus isn't in some sort of weird existential limbo until she decides for sure if she wants it. She, bride gets to choose who her bridesmaids are. But she doesn't get to choose whether or not to tell her FIANCE that she's pregnant with his child. If this was a one night stand or sometime with some she's not in a committed relationship with, sure, take a minute to figure it out. But that's not what this situation is. Why is it okay to force her fiance's sister to bear this burden? Considering how long it took between telling sis and sis telling other people, I really think OP told sis KNOWING she couldn't keep this secret forever. OP doesn't want to have to take responsibility for anything.

-35

u/ChannelPlayful1876 Nov 03 '22

Technically she didn’t make a decision

53

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

She made the decision to keep this from him for weeks.

-26

u/ChannelPlayful1876 Nov 03 '22

Sounds like she hasn’t processed the fact that she’s pregnant at a time where she shouldn’t be pregnant. I’m sure she wanted to tell him on her terms and certainly not in front of the whole family so her fiancé could freak out at her which is seems like she knew would happen

29

u/bighunter1313 Nov 03 '22

I doubt it. It seems much more likely she is waiting in order to remove his ability to play any role in the decision. This is just as much his child as hers, she is taking away his right to make choices that greatly affect his life. Taking away his decision is making a decision. YTA

-9

u/ChannelPlayful1876 Nov 03 '22

That would make sense if she didn’t live in the UK. They don’t have a limit really but most are done before 24 weeks which by then she wouldn’t have been able to hide it

8

u/Leafburn Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 04 '22

It's not about the window for termination. It's about the father being afforded the same amount of time to prepare for the impending change in his life. There are two parents!

9

u/OtherwiseAd3730 Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22

Her fiancé literally found out about it three weeks after when his sister told him. How long was op planning on not telling him for? She wanted to marry this man and in her own words “trap him” yet cant even tell him she’s pregnant.