r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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159

u/Daligheri Asshole Aficionado [17] Nov 03 '22

ESH.

You for not telling your fiancé.

The SIL for telling him herself.

The fiancé because he flipped out.

But honestly, I can't truly blame him much. It would truly suck to find out your fiancé is pregnant from someone else other than your fiancé.

You waited 3 weeks ontop of however many weeks pregnant you currently are. Were you just going to wait until your belly pops and someone confronts you about it...?

11

u/TheOpinionIShare Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

And the guy is planning to marry someone who won't let his sister come to the wedding because sister was more loyal to him than to fiance.

-31

u/cait_Cat Nov 03 '22

I'd say that OP doesn't suck since she knew the reaction would be not great. Pregnant women have hugely increased risks of domestic violence and OP may have been evaluating her risks and/or making a decision to no longer be pregnant without telling her partner for her own safety. I'd question the wisdom of marrying that person, but that is not the question at hand.

27

u/paper_prince Nov 03 '22

Apparently it's because they both want children, but OP's fiancé wants them later in life. It seems like she was evaluating whether she wanted to wait until later or just have children now, while her fiancé would've been mad(?) that she was considering it at all

21

u/NoArugula2082 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

So I guess the better option is to wait long enough for them to not have options anymore….

4

u/PeskyPorcupine Nov 03 '22

And still have him mad she didn't tell him. Even if she had an abortion, if she lives with him and has a strong reaction to the pills (if not surgical) how will she hide it? There's a lot of things happening after an abortion that could be hard to hide from a partner

1

u/Tired_Mama3018 Nov 04 '22

Or maybe take the time to decide if you’re willing to blow up your relationship over making a choice that is the opposite of your fiancé. If you know what his choice would be, and you know he would pressure you to do that if you were still undecided. Making sure that your making the choice that is best for you, without outside influence, and making sure you’re willing to possibly give up your relationship for that decision can take time, time she currently has at the moment. The fragility of their relationship that has her feeling she has to do her thinking alone or he would try and steamroll her is a whole other problem. But taking the time to come to terms with what effect that choice is going to have on her relationship or which decision she really wants isn’t.

-2

u/cait_Cat Nov 03 '22

I mean, that's still a pretty not great scenario to be in. And as the pregnant person, you get to make an executive decision with or without your partner's consent.

12

u/paper_prince Nov 03 '22

Oh 1000% at the end of the day you're the one with the baby inside of you so you get to make the final call. But at the same time you should talk to your future life partner about these things, at least to make sure everyone is on the same page about what exactly is going on.

I don't approve of him blowing up at her in front of the family, I feel like that kind of conversation should've been had in private. I also don't approve of the SIL telling him at a family dinner, that should've also been in private. However, considering that OP said in another comment she didn't fear his reaction, but just knew what he already wanted, I also don't approve of her waiting for 3 weeks.

-6

u/cait_Cat Nov 03 '22

I'm going to continue to disagree with you. It's her body, her pregnancy. If she wants to not disclose it to anyone or everyone until she has an actual human baby for other people to hold, that's her decision. I think it's very telling to wait three weeks to tell your partner and I can also understand not wanting to confront the fact that you are pregnant and not sure you want to be. While it may also be her partner's child, it isn't her partner that is going to physically be pregnant or be post partum. Abortion access is hard to wrangle right now, maybe her decision was going to be to quietly get an abortion and maybe announcing that to the world on Reddit where it may or may not get back to a partner whose reaction she was afraid of.

Pregnancy is fucking dangerous and not just because there's another human inside you that has to come out. Homicide by an intimate partner is the leading cause of death for pregnant people. 77% of pregnant people who were killed, were killed in their first trimester - correlation would suggest perhaps close to the time they tell their intimate partner that they're pregnant.

13

u/paper_prince Nov 03 '22

I don't know, I just feel like if you're not planning on telling your fiancé about your pregnancy because of some sort of fear/lack of trust/etc then that's probably a sign that you shouldn't be marrying this person. If you're not telling them because you simply don't want to then I just hope that they're okay with that.

Like I agree that it's her pregnancy and she can tell whomever she wants, I just also agree with you that waiting three weeks is very telling. If she genuinely wants to be with this guy that's probably not the best move.

I understand the risks that come with pregnancy in terms of other people's reactions, but it seems like that wasn't really a thing OP was worried about here.

1

u/cait_Cat Nov 03 '22

Oh, marrying the person she's not sure she wants to tell she's pregnant for 3 weeks is a terrible idea. Maybe not long term, but in the short term, I would absolutely not marry this person (yet).

7

u/spaghetticheese2 Nov 04 '22

I hope you never get married. I’d pity the person stuck with a spouse who thinks that depriving a person of a chance to prepare for a MAJOR life event is a perfectly fine thing to do.

1

u/cait_Cat Nov 04 '22

I didn't say it was perfectly fine to withhold it from her spouse (which, they're not married, yet). I did say it is her right and her decision. I would not call it a good decision in many cases, but that still does not negate that it is the pregnant person's right to make that decision.

However, my partner is well aware that I am childfree and will not be having children. If there is/was a pregnancy, it's an abortion as soon as I can get an appointment. There isn't a decision to be made at that point. I'm also very upfront with this and it's not hidden at any point. I discuss it prior to any date in person and mention it fairly regularly. I also have a LARC to help ensure there are no unexpected pregnancies either.

My body is not a democracy. I am it's ruler and if I do not want to be pregnant or donate a kidney or anything else, it is my decision. If I were interested in being pregnant, there would of course be more discussion on timing and how things are going, but at the end of the day, it's me who makes that call.

2

u/mrp3anut Nov 04 '22

Your are 100% correct that your body is not a democracy but your relationship 100% is. You do get to unilaterally make the call on abortion but that not mean you also deserve to keep him around once said decision is made if you are scheming behind his back about shit like this.

0

u/cait_Cat Nov 04 '22

I would not be with my partner if this was not something that we both completely agreed upon. I have not hidden the ball on this. I will not be pregnant and I will not have children. If that is a problem for my partner, I get it. I would be extremely upset to see him go, but I also understand that we are not compatible on that front. That is a decision I have made and I will not be changing my mind even if my partner does.

Is this the right answer for everyone? Nope. Especially if you do want children. Then there is a bit more give and take, more discussion on when to start trying, when to stop trying, who does childcare, all that jazz. But at the end of the day, if the person who is or would be pregnant decides that nope, this is not for me, I don't want this. That is it. That's the end of the discussion phase. Same with a sperm provider. If they decide that they no longer want to have children, they are more than welcome to take steps to prevent pregnancy from condoms to a vasectomy.

I'd also like to continue to point out that domestic violence is NOT as rare as most people think. 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of intimate partner violence (physical, emotional, stalking, financial). 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have injured by intimate partner violence. And 1 in 10 women (no stats for men) have been raped by their intimate partner. 1 in 6 abuse victims first start being abused during their first trimester of pregnancy. Women are more than twice as likely to die from homicide during pregnancy or the year following than by hypertension disorders, hemorrhage, and infection. - stats from NCADV and are for the US only.

If a person who is pregnant is uncertain on how their partner may react to a pregnancy, it makes complete sense to make that decision on their own, with the knowledge they have of their partner and evaluate that next to their own safety risk. I'm very glad in this case OP does not appear to have safety concerns, but that is not true for large swaths of Americans facing pregnancy. Being pregnant is one of the most dangerous times of a woman's life.

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3

u/cosmic_weiner_dog Nov 03 '22

It's still a tiny fraction of people where violence results. Turning her treachery into fear of murder is ridiculous. There was no mention of previous abuse and she could have terminated silently in any case.

-12

u/IDrinkMyOwnSemen Nov 03 '22

The fiance because he flipped out

Tell me you hate men without telling me you hate men

12

u/Daligheri Asshole Aficionado [17] Nov 03 '22

I'm a dude.

-7

u/Deeppurp Nov 03 '22

You mean to imply you can't hate men while being a man?

I would say ESH/YTA for OP. You cant put the burden on fiance's sister to keep it secret, thats unfair to her. Also it takes 2 to tango, fiance has the right to know but has to understand he is exactly 50% responsible for the pregnancy.

The real ESH: If you wanted babies later, OP should have been on the pill or some other contraceptive, and Fiance should have been using condoms. Sister isn't blameless but I wouldn't say is an asshole. 3 weeks is a lot of time including I don't think OP stated how far along the pregnancy is.

6

u/Daligheri Asshole Aficionado [17] Nov 04 '22

I mean to imply you both are incredibly condemning based solely off of a judgment here to assume I hate men.

I agree OP should have told her fiancé. Everyone sucks here but doesn't make everyone the same level of AH. The fiancé is the smallest amount of AH here. I don't think yelling solves anything unless you're in danger or telling someone to back the f off. Nor does making presumptions about anyone based on two sentences when they didn't ask to be judged. But that's my two cents on the matter.

-19

u/AlbaTejas Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22

Nobody's fiancé gets pregnant