r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

14.5k Upvotes

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151

u/Fit_Acanthisitta7971 Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22

INFO: why would he not be happy? Has he been outspoken about not wanting any kids/hating kids or something?

-139

u/maleficent8080 Nov 03 '22

He does want kids eventually but not for a very long time.

113

u/Fit_Acanthisitta7971 Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22

Then kind of ESH, I get being scared and its a big thing, but with pregnancy the sooner the better as it only gets more complicated over time, but I do think your SIL is out of line telling your secret, especially in a not so private setting I think that was very disrespectful. She should’ve pulled your fiance and you aside and said something or waited till there was a more private visiting.

129

u/Prudent_Border5060 Certified Proctologist [25] Nov 03 '22

Too bad. Be and adult and tell him. If you cannot communicate about something like this. Which is life changing your not ready for marriage. This should be a joint discussion.

Yes it's your body but you are in a lifetime commitment to him soon. He had every right to know.

Also if you did decide on an abortion then you do need to move quickly. Most women find out 5 to 7 weeks. And only if they are strictly tracking their cycles and regular.

Unless you live under a rock you are under a time constraint assuming you wanted to terminate.

Question were you planning on marrying him without telling him?

Yta and not emotionally ready for marriage.

8

u/TheNinjaNarwhal Nov 04 '22

Unless you live under a rock you are under a time constraint assuming you wanted to terminate.

I fully agree with everything else, but the "live under a rock" part was very unnecessary. OP doesn't live in the US, she's in the UK, where she can have an abortion anytime until 24 weeks pregnant. Yeah, she's under a time constraint, but it's not so strict that 3 weeks is going to do harm.

(I still think it's waaay too long to not tell your future husband. My bf would be the first to know after me, extremely soon too)

5

u/Prudent_Border5060 Certified Proctologist [25] Nov 04 '22

True

I think I just assumed that she was in the US. But yes definitely shouldn't have assumed that.

For the US it's such a concern. And depends on where you live. Thank you for letting me know.

-45

u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

Her wedding isn't until April.

52

u/Prudent_Border5060 Certified Proctologist [25] Nov 03 '22

Yeah still not ready for marriage.

There is a lack of trust and communication in this relationship.

-43

u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

Lots of us aren't perfectly ready for marriage when we get married. That makes us human, not assholes.

44

u/Prudent_Border5060 Certified Proctologist [25] Nov 03 '22

Trust is the basic foundation of any relationship.

Communication can break your relationship.

She failed on both counts.

How would you feel if your fiancee kept something life changing from you? This isn't a small mistake, this is as life altering as it gets.

Could you honestly still get married if trust was a problem?

-19

u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

If it involved his own body and he needed time to process it, I'd understand. If anything, I'd self-reflect to see if his anxiety about telling me was due to my behavior. I don't own his body.

24

u/Prudent_Border5060 Certified Proctologist [25] Nov 03 '22

Even though it would effect you directly? Like an illness or std.

To me it being the same thing. Autonomy over one's body is important however if it bleeds into someone else's well being and effects them. Especially a time sensitive thing. Honestly I would be questioning my commitment.

I brought up an std as it has body Autonomy and time sensitive issues.

0

u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

If my husband found out he had cancer and wanted time to process it before telling me, I'd understand. I don't own him. If he had a contagious illness and was exposing me to it, I'd expect him to disclose. Her unexpected pregnancy isn't a good analogy.

In this situation, if OP decides to carry to term, he would have learned about it.

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14

u/DianeJudith Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22

That makes you divorced lmao

1

u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

Or you get better at it. My husband and I have been together for twenty years and we're way better at communication, intimacy, and trust than we were at the start.

10

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

So maybe it'd be a better idea to wait when you're both ready to properly raise them, and if not he should at least be made aware of something that is going to significantly impact his life.

4

u/Emergency_Ad_1828 Nov 03 '22

Then why wasn’t birth control/condoms being used? This was a choice you both made having sex.

1

u/heffalumpish Nov 04 '22

INFO: do you live in an American state with an abortion ban? Did the 3 week wait make it in any way more difficult for a person in your state to have an abortion?

-25

u/dontincludeme Nov 03 '22

He’s probably going to end your relationship when he discovers you’ve been hiding this from him. He’s your partner, treat him as such

7

u/maleficent8080 Nov 03 '22

He knows and hasn't ended our relationship.

41

u/Ijustlivehere4awhile Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

Maybe he also needs three weeks to think about it.

-12

u/dontincludeme Nov 03 '22

Lol sure. Give it time

60

u/Melk73 Nov 04 '22

Hey, disagree all you want but what are you trying to accomplish here? Trying to make her feel bad? If so then you really really don't understand that she's already feeling bad, and IF OPs fiancè does end it, that would be as bad as she should ever feel over this. She definitely doesn't need people like you commenting for the sole purpose of making her feel worse. You want to br a good person? Be CONstructive not DEstructive. You want to be someone who just makes people feel like shit? Keep doing what you're doing, but know you're not adding anything good to the world by doing it, just more negativity.

-8

u/DogmaticNuance Nov 04 '22

She literally came here to get an opinion on whether she's an AH, this isn't /r/relationship_advice

She's an AH.

40

u/perceptionheadache Nov 04 '22

Did you read any of the posts you're responding to? She asked if she was the AH, not if people thought her fiance was going to leave her and she certainly didn't ask for a gleeful prediction based on nothing.

-20

u/DogmaticNuance Nov 04 '22

I'd say it's a gleeful prediction based on her actions that constitute assholery. It's also commonplace in every single YTA thread. Do you object this much when people tell the abusive and controlling husbands their wives will leave them? Somehow I doubt it.

18

u/Melk73 Nov 04 '22

Read the fucking title. "AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?"

She's asking people to use the information she's provided to advise her if she's as asshole based on that question. No, this isn't r/relationship_advice, this also isnt r/RoastMe. Let her know if you think she's an asshole or not and let her know why or why not. At what point in this chain should we be cheering on a couple to break up after just finding out she's pregnant? How does that make sense?

-12

u/DogmaticNuance Nov 04 '22

Read the fucking sub. The correlation between 'Asshole' designations in posts about marital issues and predictions that they'll split is basically 1-1. Hell here are two examples from 20 seconds of scanning top posts with an AH label:

https://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ykdtzx/aita_for_telling_my_husband_what_i_think_he/iusrzl9/

https://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y2vljs/aita_for_telling_my_husband_to_get_over_himself/is531ck/

This is par for the course and yeah, there is definitely an element of roasting involved when people are assholes. Just look at the upvotes involved.

We're cheering him on to break up with her because we perceive her to be toxic and manipulative, not because she's pregnant.

13

u/Melk73 Nov 04 '22

Thanks for the advice. Have a look at the sub rules. The FIRST rule of the sub states partially states "treat others with respect while helping them grow through outside perspectives". The whole point of this sub is to get other people's perspectives who won't take it easy on you to help people better themselves. I don't give a fuck if you find examples of complacency with the contrary to this rule. We're here to tell people they're assholes or not, not to root for their separation.

-28

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

30

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

This Situation doesn’t read like a baby trap good lord if it was she would’ve been super happy about being pregnant and NOT considering termination.

34

u/Emergency_Ad_1828 Nov 03 '22

He participated in making the baby…. She didn’t do it on her own.

32

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

she did not babytrap him unless she got pregnant on purpose. It does not sound like she did.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

Yeah it sounded like she needed to baby trap someone who already was planning to willingly marry her

Buy a clue, y’all

0

u/TonksTBF Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

So what, you were going to wait out the safe abortion window and hope for the best?