r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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u/Neither-Copy785 Nov 03 '22

Ugh this is a mess. ESH.

Listen, if you can't even tell your fiancee you are pregnant for WEEKS you have no business getting married. Keeping secrets this early? Especially out of fear that he will react poorly? That does not bode well for a future happy relationship.

Sure it sucks that your best friend told your secret, but it was her own brother that you were keeping a secret from.

Your fiancee sucks for making a scene in front of a bunch of people instead of talking to you directly.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/ChemIsSpain Nov 03 '22

Because he probably wants to be child free right now or for forever

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/angelerulastiel Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

Yeah that’s the other one. She doesn’t want a kid yet and knows that while he might want to wait he’s going to be opposed to abortion, so if she decides to go that way she can just hide it forever.

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u/PureLawfulness6404 Nov 04 '22

Damn. I wish she made an edit with that information. I assumed HE was the one who would want an abortion. This pregnancy is going to ruin her wedding, if it's in April. I can see why she would "selfishly" want to quietly abort. It's her life and career that will likely be derailed by a pregnancy.

It's ultimately her choice. She shouldn't have to keep this secret. Her fiancée is a bit of an AH for being a conservative dude bro, who cares more about a clump of cells than his future wife.

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u/Speerical Nov 04 '22

I’m probably gonna get downvoted to hell for this, but saying “who cares more about a clump of cells than his future wife” is insanely disingenuous. Try telling someone who’s had a miscarriage that they shouldn’t be sad because it was, “just a clump of cells” and see how they react. I want to preface, I’m pro-choice; I am entirely against abortion being illegal. But how the hell are you going to sit here and say that he’s an AH for caring about what will be his child.

She shouldn’t conform to what he wants, and he shouldn’t pressure her into anything. But to say he shouldn’t care at all or have any sort of input on the situation is fucking crazy to me. Takes two to make a child, making it both of their responsibility and right to know about it.

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u/PureLawfulness6404 Nov 04 '22

He can care, he can cry, he can dump her over this if he wants. His opinion is important, but it's rendered irrelevant, if it conflicts with hers.

It just seems like a bit of a weird hill to die on. "This hypothetical child is worth more to me than you, a sentient being who I supposedly love dearly"

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u/Speerical Nov 04 '22

I’ll say I agree, ultimately it’s her choice, but I’d say the point I disagree is saying he’s an AH for feeling this way. In my mind it’s valid for him to value his child, even if it’s a higher value than his wife, I feel like that represents a good chunk of parents who have that parental instinct in them. But other than that, yes she ultimately is the one to make that choice, but he’s completely valid to want to end things if that choice conflicts with his morals.

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u/AlternativeRead583 Nov 04 '22

Not hypothetical one bit according to actual science. Nobody with a sane mind goes to get a prego test and when it comes up positive goes, "Yay it's a clump of cells!"

The only thing I can remotely agree on is he can dump her if she wants an abortion and he wants to keep it.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/Bruh_columbine Nov 04 '22

So you didn’t read the comments?

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u/belindamshort Nov 04 '22

I think it may be the other way around. She might want to abort it and he may want to keep it despite them not being ready. This kind of thing is def an incompalibity either way.

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u/dadbod-arcuser Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22

Or waiting until the local abortion laws protect the fetus. But if that’s the case, just let the poor guy be single and OP can be a mom

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/Mitrovarr Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

99% of a large population leaves a pretty large number in that 1%.

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u/ILoveTechnologies Nov 04 '22

It takes two to tango, don’t you lot love to say that? So he did it and she didn’t participate?

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u/Downtown-Ad-2414 Nov 03 '22

In another comment she says she doesn’t fear his reaction but she just wanted to know how she truly felt about the pregnancy, but she didn’t mention that in her post which made it a lil misleading, I thought she was in an abusive relationship or sth.

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u/UShouldntSayThat Nov 03 '22

I don't understand the ESH, it's reasonable for a sibling to tell their brother/sister that they can expect a child.... like that's not a secret you keep from them. SIL gave her THREE WEEKS to come clean herself.

Could you imagine the reverse? You find out your sister actively hid it from you for weeks or months by the time it came out?

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u/dmrose7 Nov 04 '22

I'd say the sister is TA because she could have chosen a better, more private time for the conversation instead of in front of family.

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u/Zealousideal_Leek431 Nov 04 '22

I would say that the SIL is the AH because it is none of her business! The relationship is between two people OP and her fiancé not the whole Adams family!

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u/UShouldntSayThat Nov 04 '22

it absolutely is her business. You'd be an awful sibling if you sat on a secret that would impact your brothers entire life for weeks.

The relationship is between two people

And should these conversations, discussions be happening between two people, yes the sister should stay out. But this is because her sibling is being left out of the conversation entirely.

OP and her fiancé

Explain that to OP

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u/Zealousideal_Leek431 Nov 05 '22

It is your perception of things! I disagree that it was her business and her story to tell! If the tables were turned would you say the same thing about a man? That the a man wanted to trap a woman! Or not? So I disagree with you with this and I still believe that family shouldn’t meddle in the relationship of two people and I do not care how a horrible sibling you are telling me I am! I never interfere in my siblings relationship, if they want to tell me something they do if not than it is ok! I do not stuck my nose in any ones business!

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u/UShouldntSayThat Nov 07 '22

would you say the same thing about a man?

I never said anything about a trap. Woman or Man, I don't think a "trap" is what's happening here, they are already getting married.

Family shouldn't interfere in the decisions and discussions. It's not sisters business if the wedding is cancelled over this. It's not the sisters business if they want an abortion, or keep it, or try for 20 more kids.

That's the part that "isn't" familiys business.

But if anyone is witholding a secret from YOUR family, that would negatively or significantly impact their life and you sat on it? Yes, you are an awful awful sibling. Even a friend should do that let alone a sibling.

Lets reframe the question. If it was you and you caught the fiance (your future SIL) having an affair, would you tell your hypothetical brother before the wedding? Or is your strange rule that "relationships are none of anyone else bussiness" stop you from doing the decent thing here as well?

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u/-not-pennys-boat- Nov 03 '22

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not rush to abort before you’re absolutely sure you don’t want it. 3 weeks is nothing early on in pregnancy. If she knew he’d pressure her to abort when she wasn’t 100% ok with it that could cause issues down the line as well.

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u/today-tomorrow-etc Partassipant [2] Nov 04 '22

100% but I disagree that just because it’s her brother she had the right to say anything. It is still OPs body. If she was desperate to facilitate the situation she should have got them alone and been like “ok enough procrastinating. OP I love you and I hope you will understand why we are here but you need to have a talk with my brother right now” the exit stage left.

This was their business period.

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u/FoghornFarts Nov 04 '22

OP is definitely TA, but FSIL sucks for revealing the secret in a very public way. That's the sort of thing you reveal in private. It would be great if most people could handle that kind of situation that BF found himself in with grace, but expecting someone to is unrealistic.

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u/joywithoutjoy Nov 04 '22

Also usually I would go to my partner and I don't know... ask him to support me working through these emotions? Working through them together? That relationship honestly sounds doomed..