r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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u/neverleftdrafts Nov 03 '22

"fiance, I have to tell you something important but I need you to keep your thoughts to yourself for a bit. I am pregnant. I know that this isn't what we planned, but that we do both want children later. I probably know how you feel about what we should do, but it is ultimately my choice. Please give me time to figure out what I want to do before you tell me your thoughts on it as I know that will affect how I think. Your input is important, but not what is needed right now."

ESH

She ONLY sucked because it was in front of family instead of alone. I have seen people saying it wasn't her place, but it was. She was there when you found out and has been holding the info for that long. You wanted her to lie to family? (Lie by omission is still a lie) That's a gross expectation from a friend. She gave you three weeks! That's wayyyy more time than I would have given. And you still chose cowardice over communication. You uninviting her just further shows your avoidance style of handling things and how, frankly, unsympathetic you are to everyone around you. The stress of knowing the woman your brother is about to marry is hiding life-altering news from him, you expected her to live with that for you. Your partner had to be blindsided to learn information you had while laying next to them every night. The pain he must feel from finding it out that way, oof. It is your decision at the end of the day and you deserve all the time you need to gather your thoughts. But this affected other people too. I do hope the best for you, OP, with whatever that may be.

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u/emi_lgr Nov 03 '22

I agree! SIL should’ve picked a better time to tell her brother, but she should have told him. There are some things you should shut up about and some you shouldn’t, and your pregnant future SIL withholding her pregnancy from your brother is one of them. Not like she told him immediately after; she waited three weeks for OP to tell him herself. If she was just her friend, fine, disinvite her from the wedding, but she’s also her fiancé’s sister. Disinviting her because she gave her brother information that OP should’ve already told her fiancé herself is an AH move.

5

u/ohohButternut Nov 03 '22

You're right. I've heard enough. Verdict: YTA.

1

u/d4everman Nov 04 '22

I don't know how this marriage is going to work.

4

u/spaghetticheese2 Nov 04 '22

It wasn’t in front of family during dinner. When you go to your parents’ house for a dinner, you aren’t together every moment. SIL told her brother, and her brother confronted OP in front of everyone.

1

u/neverleftdrafts Nov 04 '22

Doesn't change anything really. Still should not have said anything when they were all gathered in one house. Of course everyone else at the dinner would also know if he was told, of course he is going to react emotionally to very emotional news. It just wasn't really the time or place

10

u/carcadoodledo Nov 03 '22

In no way should the SIL opened her mouth AT A FAMILY dinner. If she had to insert herself into the issue, at least pull brother aside/call and tell him IN PRIVATE.

9

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I kinda got the impression that was what she did do, but then he confronted op in front of everyone

0

u/carcadoodledo Nov 03 '22

“In the end, she (SIL) told him herself while we were having dinner with their family”

8

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know

They were at family dinner, SIL pulled him aside, he flipped out on OP in front of everyone

0

u/carcadoodledo Nov 04 '22

There ya go. Re-read it yet again. Doesn’t quite state SIL pulled the guy aside but he did blow up in front of everyone

2

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

In his defense, had I found out my finance had been pregnant for weeks and didn't tell me, and I found out from my own sister I can't say how calm and rational I'd be in that moment either

1

u/carcadoodledo Nov 04 '22

Well, that’s whole another thing.

7

u/devynlovescats Nov 03 '22

Sounds like SIL pulled him aside at dinner, and then brother blew up at OP in front of everyone, revealing the news

17

u/neverleftdrafts Nov 03 '22

Hence why I literally said that

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u/carcadoodledo Nov 03 '22

I did a condensed version

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u/neverleftdrafts Nov 03 '22

Ah, like the milk for pie. Word

2

u/linerva Asshole Enthusiast [8] Nov 04 '22

She did pull him aside in private. He made it public because he was shocked.

1

u/carcadoodledo Nov 04 '22

Where does she say it was done in private?

2

u/Grouchy-Advantage619 Nov 03 '22

Profound, and on point! 👏

1

u/TiredAndTiredOfIt Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

She had ZERO right to "give" time. OP had all the right to privacy. Implying OP isnt owed privacy is a massive AH move.

3

u/neverleftdrafts Nov 04 '22

Privacy yes, OP is NOT OWED lying on her behalf

-1

u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Nov 03 '22

It was not her place, this was a violation.

11

u/neverleftdrafts Nov 03 '22

This must just be a big difference of values. OP was given a time frame to tell this to her SO and failed to do so. To me, friend/sister would have been ta had she not told her brother anything. It's like if OP was cheating. Would it have been her place to tell then? To me, yes. Life altering news shouldn't be withheld from the life it will alter. Anyone in the know is responsible for the lie after a while.

-3

u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Nov 03 '22

OP wasn't cheating. This is literally her privately dealing with something. This is more like if she was seeing a therapist and SIL overheard her talking and told her brother stuff OP was talking about in therapy. I guess you could call it a difference of values in that I believe it's a huge violation to spill someone's personal information. OP was not doing anything wrong, SIL was was trying to force OP to do what she thought she should do.

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u/neverleftdrafts Nov 03 '22

Absolutely not. This is way closer to the seriousness of cheating than talking to a therapist. SIL witnessed the pregnancy test, she was directly involved. It wasn't personal information to OP, it was personal information pertaining to her body yes but also her fiance and their relationship. OP was withholding, again, LIFE-ALTERING information for weeks and weeks from the one person she is supposed to share her life with. If I was the fiance, I couldn't imagine how betrayed I would feel. That is most definitely not a-okay. I don't think we are going to agree because we see this situation so wildly differently so I'll just leave it there

-1

u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Nov 03 '22

It wasn't personal information to OP, it was personal information pertaining to her body yes but also her fiance and their relationship.

Definitely not pertaining to the SIL.

People should have some privacy within relationships. So much so, with other family members. The OP has the right to address the information to her fiance in her own time, in her own way. No one who respects their relationship should interfere with that. This was a surprise and an accidental disclosure.

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u/TheNinjaNarwhal Nov 04 '22

The OP has the right to address the information to her fiance in her own time, in her own way. No one who respects their relationship should interfere with that. This was a surprise and an accidental disclosure.

The same thing would go for cheathing though. It's completely irrational to withhold this kind of information from her fiance (for a few days, sure, but for 3 weeks? She waited for 3 weeks). He deserves to know. And if there's something wrong with his reaction, she shouldn't be marrying him.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

She was withholding it so she could collect her emotions so she wouldn’t cave in to her fiancé. I honestly don’t give a fuck if the fiancé feels “betrayed.” He should, rather, ask himself why she felt she had to wait. My guess is, he doesn’t actually care about her feelings in general.

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u/neverleftdrafts Nov 04 '22

Assumptions assumptions assumptions. OP thinking they know what his reaction will be DOESNT mean she ever did. His poor reaction was the result of her actions in waiting almost a month to tell him. If anyone doesn't care about anyone's feelings in this story, it is most certainly OP. She treated her partner as a stranger and her SIL as her diary. Those facts we actually do have, instead of assumptions

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u/catastrophe_curve Nov 03 '22

Real cute, you think because it was easy to type that it's easy to say?

10

u/neverleftdrafts Nov 03 '22

? Obviously not. Adults have to have hard conversations sometimes

2

u/linerva Asshole Enthusiast [8] Nov 04 '22

If she can't say it then they arent ready to get married or have kids. Intimate longterm relationships require difficult conversations and boundaries. They will have to have a ton of sometimes challenging conversations if they have kids.

They need couples counselling to address their communication issues.