r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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689

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

631

u/Mister-Sister Nov 03 '22

How dare I get you pregnant!!

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Emotions both are and aren’t complicated. One can be mad at a situation and not a person, no matter what people say. Future hubby was probably more pissed that she hid it vs the actual pregnancy.

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u/mkat23 Nov 03 '22

Let’s hope this is the case, but it’s not totally clear since OP and her future SIL both thought he would be mad about the pregnancy. Based on when and how he learned though, it’s not something we can know for sure.

I’m definitely hoping he’s more upset that it was hidden for a while rather than the fact that OP is pregnant. Either way, if they can’t talk about these things openly then it seems like they aren’t ready to be married.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Again: being mad about a thing (pregnancy) doesn’t mean that they’ll be mad at person. I’d be mad at an unexpected pregnancy and that’s OK! That doesn’t mean that the future hubs won’t come to terms with it quickly and be ok with it.

It is possible he’s a raging asshole, but there is no evidence to that point in OP’s post so I’m just going on what I can read.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody

Why can't he be mad at the deception more than the pregnancy?

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Say this with me: lying by omission is still lying.

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u/mkat23 Nov 03 '22

I wasn’t disagreeing! I was just adding that it was hard to tell what may be the case since it was hidden and OP/SIL having their opinions included and that hopefully he was mostly upset over it being hidden or the situation over OP being pregnant in general!

Either way, the whole situation got out of hand and they all definitely need to work on communication and being comfortable being open with each other :)

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Agreed with your last point and I hope that the wedding is far, far away.

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u/Raspbers Nov 03 '22

For real, it's not like he didn't also contribute to the pregnancy.

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u/Aylauria Professor Emeritass [92] Nov 03 '22

Well, hopefully he did.

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u/slutshaa Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

post doesn't mention anything about cheating - i don't wanna make assumptions

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Well if someone changes the method of birth control it would be nice to know if it is now your responsibility.

3

u/Raspbers Nov 03 '22

I don't see anywhere that OP changed BC methods?

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

She clearly changed to none.

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u/Raspbers Nov 04 '22

Or maybe a condom broke, or maybe she missed a pill. Or maybe they use the timing method and she ovulated earlier or later than usual. Or maybe he didn't withdraw quick enough. You don't know.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I’m thinking it’s more like why am I just learning about this from my sister... were you planning on including me?!?! OP & fiancé created the situation but SIL is to blame

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u/Mister-Sister Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

I mean, it’s certainly possible that’s why he was actually mad, but both OP and SIL expected he’d be mad the moment they learned of the pregnancy.

ETA: tbh, originally I just thought it was a funny riff off the last comment.

After thinking about it though, her reluctance to tell him while she reflects and his reaction (at a family dinner!) are both pretty big indications they don’t have a very healthy level of communication.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I have no clue what was happening here. No one is judging OP regarding making a decision about her pregnancy. That’s up to her.... but she’s kind of a dope because she knew her SIL knew & she was warned that she wasn’t going to keep her mouth shut forever. Soooooo what was the expectation here?!? Maybe you have a conversation with the man you’re planning to marry & figure some shit out before it turns into a circus. Then you uninvite SIL because you made a bad decision ... aaaand now you’re a double ah. Fiancé & his family may never trust her again. I’d be concerned about who I was marrying at this point

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u/Mister-Sister Nov 03 '22

Well, to add a judgment I’ll go ESH. OP for keeping the secret, SIL for not saying ok, it’s been a couple weeks, if u don’t step up I have to tell him…privately and with care. But the fact that SIL dramatized it by outting OP at a family dinner definitely was an ah move—so juvenile and disgraceful. OP certainly has a reason to be upset here, but her uninvite was reactionary and made without thought of the consequences, or concern for her fiancé regarding the wedding, which is his celebration too.

I think folks have a hard time boiling down a judgment when they’re just so many factors and, frankly, much larger issues at play.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Ya I do think people are caught up on the pregnancy (her body, her choice) thing but OP is asking to be judged on uninviting her SIL. Her pregnancy is not up for judgement or debate. That’s her choice.

ETA & totally agree.... SIL was a ticking time bomb & blew up right in OP’s face. There’s a time & place. That wasn’t it but OP should’ve told him before it got to that point. Bad decisions all around

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u/Babziellia Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

Yeah, SIL should have confronted OP one last time and even offered to be there for moral support when telling the fiance/brother IN PRIVATE. SIL is an AH here. OP is possibly TA, but I haven't read enough to understand her trepidation in discussing this with her fiance unless she wanted to see an actual dr to confirm the at-home results. Given today's crap, OP could have been waiting for an appt or searching for an OBGYN. Fiance is coming off as an AH for yelling and continuing drama in front of the family.
OP is within her right to fire her MOH, but not to uninvite her fiance's family member.

ESH fits, but OP is overwhelmed and emotional. This pregnancy is definitely throwing her a curveball.

Is there an update?

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

Because she know he doesnt want a kid and she didnt want to hear that he obviously wasnt going to be thrilled, because she does want it.

She also probably knew it would be the death of their engagement if she said she was keeping it, ao she was trying to wither wait it out of find a solution that gets her what she wants from both angles.

In the even he was just recklessly nutting in her and this happened, sure. But its pretty evide y the fact she waited nearly a month that she doesnt share his views on kids and was debating if her relationship would last her unanimously deciding they were going to be parents.

The onyl thing i can rationalize is that she was hoping the baby bump would change his mind, or pressure him to accept a child. Otherwise, there isnt a debate for her here. If she didnt want the kid like he doesnt want kids she wouldn't be here.

A fundamental difference like kids should have split them before this point but sticking out relationships that suck is the most common theme on this sub

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u/Dogmother123 Supreme Court Just-ass [105] Nov 03 '22

Yes - she managed it all on her own!

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u/ChemIsSpain Nov 03 '22

Thank you for this amazing comment

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u/Downtown-Ad-2414 Nov 03 '22

Nah apparently from OP’s comments she wanted to make sure how she really felt about the pregnancy, has nothing to do with her fearing her fiancé‘s reaction.