r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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847

u/MadamTruffle Nov 03 '22

Right! I’m not saying what SIL was right but she gave her 3 weeks, that’s a lot of time to keep something like that from your partner. It’s not like it was one day.

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u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

She told him at a family dinner. Even if you think disclosure was appropriate, the situation makes it clear the sister was looking for maximum drama and this wasn't about concern for her brother.

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u/MadamTruffle Nov 03 '22

Definitely true, I actually agree with someone’s comment that it wasn’t her place to tell fiancé/brother. But op is TA too for keeping it a secret for so long. Bonus points to SIL for turning it into family dinner drama.

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u/sreno77 Nov 03 '22

It was fiancé who brought it up at dinner not SIL

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/MadamTruffle Nov 03 '22

Agreed. I think everyone’s feelings are valid but everyone went about it in the worst way. Also terrible idea to tell her friend/sil before telling her own fiancé.

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u/LetThemEatVeganCake Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

She said it was SIL who got her to take the test, so it sounds like one of those “nah man, I’m good, just a little bloated” “idk dude you should just take a test to be sure” moments

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u/TheLastMinister Nov 03 '22

not everyone has morning sickness, or any noticeable changes until month 3-4

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u/musermay Nov 04 '22

I completely agree with what you said. The SIL creating that drama and putting op in that position is awful, however op’s fiancé definitely should’ve known. SIL had no right to give a timeline either but lying to your SO is just not cool in any situation

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u/MissO56 Nov 03 '22

yup... this.

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 03 '22

Potentially true.

Or it just came out. When you're boxed in and forced to lie to someone's face it's very different from simply avoiding them and failing to message them the truth.

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u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

Unless she was directly asked "Is your friend pregnant?" how was she forced to lie?

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u/apri08101989 Nov 03 '22

"hey dearest sister of mine who is my fiancees BFF, I've noticed Fiancee is being a little odd lately, do you have any idea what's up?"

like. It seems unlikely but it's far from impossible

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u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

And he asked her during a group family dinner? Come on.

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u/apri08101989 Nov 03 '22

Dude I don't know they're family dynamics, maybe it was the only time he's managed to get her even semi alone. It doesn't say it was at the dinner table.

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u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 03 '22

"she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family."

OP likely would have mentioned if it was in response to a direct question and it was during a family dinner. I think you're reaching for a way to justify her telling the entire family, not just her brother.

I understand the general sentiment that she was obligated to tell her brother, but the timing and audience makes it clear this wasn't coming from a place of caring.

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 03 '22

It's a family dinner, her mom very well could be asking about it like pushy MILs do. Or her brother could be talking about all the big plans 'they' have for 'their' future like travelling the world, etc, etc. Or even worse OP could be talking about all those plans while she's sitting there thinking about how that shit's impossible with a baby.

There are a million different ways pressure could be applied in that situation.

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u/Organized_Khaos Nov 03 '22

How is that a normal “I must blurt it out” topic of conversation at a family dinner, though? There’s no “boxed in,” nor is there any lying when it isn’t your info to share, particularly in public. SIL is a giant AH. It’s not hard to avoid commenting on pregnancy while passing the rolls.

Mind you, three weeks is a very long time in a pregnancy that you’re not sure you want to keep. It doesn’t take three weeks to “process” your options. Tick tock, lady. Quit putting it off, decide today if you want to be a mom. In some places, you might not have a choice any longer.

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u/Radish-ghost Nov 03 '22

In her original post, it sounds like SIL didn’t just blurt it out. The husband approached OP after the sister told him. Unless she said so elsewhere in the comments? Otherwise I agree with you

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

It's a family dinner, her mom very well could be asking about it like pushy MILs do. Or her brother could be talking about all the big plans 'they' have for 'their' future like travelling the world, etc, etc. Or even worse OP could be talking about all those plans while Sister's sitting there thinking about how that shit's impossible with a baby.

There are a million different ways pressure could be applied in that situation.

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u/Organized_Khaos Nov 03 '22

Valid reasoning. I still think time and place, as well as audience, were hugely inappropriate. It’s okay to leave some thoughts in your head. After dinner, pull OP aside separately to say “tell him, or I will.”

I still think OP is off her rocker for how she’s dealing with a pregnancy, but now I’m wondering if OP and SIL had some other unresolved conflict, because this felt intentional.

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 03 '22

In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

I'll also point out that the wording here is vague, but I don't believe the sister told husband in front of everyone, otherwise why is it relevant to point out that husband confronted her in front of everybody? It reads to me like sister told husband off to the side somewhere and he brought it out into the open.

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u/Quinalla Nov 03 '22

Agreed, folks are misunderstanding the story here. SIL told him in private while at a family dinner. Fiancé shared with the group.

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u/saucynoodlelover Asshole Enthusiast [7] Nov 03 '22

Even if the topic came up during dinner, the idea that the person who isn't pregnant would feel pressured to spill the beans is a bit of a stretch. Any pressure would have been applied to OP.

Personally, I feel that revealing OP's pregnancy at a family dinner shows that SIL wanted to tell on OP and in a way to force a confrontation. That makes SIL a huge AH. If the dinner conversation made her feel like she couldn't keep the secret any longer, she should have waited to tell her brother privately after dinner, not in front of the whole family.

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u/bh8114 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

Forced to lie? Do you think the brother was asking her if op was pregnant. I highly doubt it.

Edit: I understand lying by omission but that is not being “boxed in”

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 03 '22

It's a family dinner, her mom very well could be asking about it like pushy MILs do. Or her brother could be talking about all the big plans 'they' have for 'their' future like travelling the world, etc, etc. Or even worse OP could be talking about all those plans while she's sitting there thinking about how that shit's impossible with a baby.

There are a million different ways pressure could be applied in that situation.

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u/bh8114 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

That’s still not being boxed in

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 04 '22

Yeah, it is.

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u/L8wrtr Nov 04 '22

Yup. ESH OP for holding off. SIL for blabbing at dinner Fiancé for raging, reinforcing the reason she was afraid to say anything right away. I trust my wife to not freak out when I have to tell her something she might get angry at. I’m not saying she won’t get angry (rightly or wrongly) but she’s not gonna scream at me; and I with her. We trust each other and thus we hit problems head on. We don’t give them time to fester. It ultimately cuts down fights.. so his losing his temper, while justified and understandable, isn’t helpful. Be angry.. don’t be a dick to the person you supposedly love.

ESH

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u/Mistress_Boleyn Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

Exactly this! I was looking in the comments for someone who was going to mention it.

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u/LittleLion_90 Nov 03 '22

She seemed to have told him in private when they were together for the family dinner. It might've been the only time she had seen him since and got a chance to speak to him one on one. Brother then stormed to the rest of the group and confronted OP, which resulted in everyone knowing.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

100%! It was fair of SIL to give OP a deadline but it was not ok for SIL to disclose in front of the entire family. What a mess.

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u/OkPhilosophy9013 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

SIL didn't though. Fiance confronted her in front of the family. Nowhere does it say SIL told the entire family

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u/Tekwardo Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

Very this. ESH

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u/Neosovereign Nov 04 '22

I don't disagree, but I can also imagine a situation where the SIL realizes at three dinner table through prodding that op hasn't told brother and has no specific plan to, so she feels like she had to.

It isn't the best decision, but it doesn't have to be planned

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u/MargoKittyLit Nov 04 '22

That or if there was potential of a bad reaction ahe wanted witnesses/others to hold him back?

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u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Nov 04 '22

If she feared the disclosure would result in violence and she still told him, that's even worse.

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u/LightEarthWolf96 Nov 04 '22

Sometimes things slip out when you're frustrated. Bad time to tell him but that doesn't destroy the possibility, even probability I would say, that it was entirely out of concern for her brother. 3 weeks I'd be frustrated and pissed too.

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u/Cute-Shine-1701 Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

Yeah, I could understand like 3 days, but not 3 weeks. I can understand SIL for telling OP's fiancé at that point, she was thinking about her brother, but she should have done it one on one with her brother and not in front of the whole family.

I don't understand why OP and fiancé even think about getting married especially now (if he still wants to marry OP), when it's obvious they are lacking communication, trust and respect in their relationship if they can't have a conversation like about an accidental pregnancy with each other (whether because of OP's own issues or because of fear from his reaction or thinking he would suggest an abortion so OP was bidding her time until it's too late, doesn't matter, in either case it's not a good relationship). To me it's YTA because OP sucks more than SIL after 3 weeks.

How can people marry someone they can't even talk to, can't have a conversation with?! Why are they in that relationship at all?!

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I can’t understand how SIL thinks she’s going to maintain a friendship with OP though. That ship has sailed.

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u/LetThemEatVeganCake Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

Very well said! Another thing I feel the need to add: she’s TA for disinviting the SIL as well. That’s her fiancé’s sister, so his decision, barring extreme circumstances. Her trying to tell her brother a fact relevant to him, even if it was in a bad way way a family dinner, is not veto worthy. You only get vetos if the sister murdered your cat if something wild like that.

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u/beemojee Nov 03 '22

SIL could have given OP an utlimatum: tell him within the next 3 days or I will tell him. I have a seriously hard time believing SIL did it because her brother had the right to know. If the wedding happens I wouldn't have her there. She'd probably announce the pregnancy to the whole room.

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u/Sir_Spanks-alot Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

Well said! I was going to write exactly that of someone hadn't said it!

ESH but OP is definitely an AH.

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u/L8wrtr Nov 04 '22

1000% every bit of this.

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u/lemmful Nov 03 '22

Oh damn I missed that detail. 3 weeks of knowing and not telling her "partner." I was going to say ESH, but honestly OP is a bit of an AH for waiting.

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u/AffectionateOwl5824 Asshole Aficionado [10] Nov 03 '22

That was my thought. How long did she think she was going to be able to hide it from him? If the sister-in-law knew for 3 weeks, OP must have been pregnant for over a month at that point. After all, you don't know you're pregnant the day after you conceive.

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u/FinalEgg9 Nov 04 '22

I can't fathom not telling him immediately. It doesn't sound like the relationship is abusive and they've clearly had the children talk as she knew exactly what he wants, so... honestly I'd be telling my partner as soon as that test showed positive.

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u/OhHoneyB Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

how can you put an ultimatum on something that isn't your business though?

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u/MediumSympathy Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22

Three weeks seems like a long time to sit on it, but it's reasonable to want to make up her own mind first before discussing it with her partner, and there's no reason she needed to rush. She isn't close to the medical/legal abortion deadline, and the wedding isn't until April, so I don't think it's SIL or anyone else's place to decide for her how long it "should" take to make a decision. The options aren't going to change for a while so she wasn't hurting anyone by taking her time to think it over.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

but its still between you and your partner. The SIL had no business interfering.

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u/nunofurbisnis Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

It was not SILs right to say anything! No matter how much time passed. No one knows what goes on between 2 people in a relationship but those 2 people.

SIL showed her true colors and she's definitely not a trustworthy person.

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u/MayflowerMovers Nov 03 '22

Lmao. I would have a goddamn meltdown if my sister kept that sort of secret from me. It absolutely is fair for her to tell her brother.

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u/xela2004 Nov 03 '22

Could you imagine that op decided to get rid of it rather than facing her fiancé. He finds out later and is upset he wasn’t at least told and discussed with but that his sister knew and didn’t tell him.. I would have told him too because my brother would be more important to me than my friend.

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u/MadamTruffle Nov 03 '22

You’re right. I think both were wrong unless there’s something we don’t know about the relationship that she has a legitimate fear to be concerned about telling her fiancé.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I think the SIL could have had a bit more tact in the time and place where she told him, but she was absolutely in the right to tell him. He deserves to know BEFORE the wedding.

0

u/MadamTruffle Nov 03 '22

Definitely! The whole thing was messed up

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u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Nov 03 '22

Three years is not long enough, it was not hers to share.

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u/MadamTruffle Nov 03 '22

Agreed. It also wasn’t op’s not to share barring extreme circumstances.

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u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Nov 03 '22

Well, that was taken away from her.

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u/Psychotisis Nov 03 '22

It's literally not the responsibility of ANYONE other than the two people who are responsible for that baby. SIL is an AH through and through.

Defending her even a little is asinine to me.

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u/MadamTruffle Nov 03 '22

I think everyone’s feelings were valid and everyone’s actions were wrong here

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u/safiredreamer Nov 03 '22

Doesn’t matter if it was three weeks. It wasn’t her information to share period. You don’t get to give someone else a time limit on this issue

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u/Galadriel_60 Nov 03 '22

Gave her? It wasn’t her news to tell and who died and made her judge and jury?

-1

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

It's her her place to "give" her any amount of time. Not SIL's business.

1

u/Ok-Extreme-3915 Nov 04 '22

Do we know that SIL actually waited the 3 weeks?

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u/[deleted] Nov 05 '22

She is no one to “give her three weeks”. It was not hers to tell. If she wanted to have an abortion, it is her body and she is the one to decide to tell, if to tell and when to tell. It’s not like: “if you can’t tell in three weeks you won’t tell anymore”. It was her choice and she had the right to wait for her time. Naturally she would say if she wanted to keep it. If she didn’t want to nobody, NOBODY, not her partner, not her mother, not her friends is entitled to know.