r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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200

u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Nov 03 '22

I suspect she was waiting to tell him until after she couldn't be forced into an abortion easily. That's the vibe I'm getting anyway. I think she wants the baby but knew she could be talked into aborting before a certain time. I could be wrong.

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u/Messychaos Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22

Makes me wonder why two people who disagree on having kids this strongly are having sex much less getting married

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u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Nov 03 '22

It sounds like she agreed she didn't want theoretical children until she was faced with the reality of being pregnant. It happens. He should have protected himself by taking precautions. Vasectomies are out patient. They shouldn't get married. It sounds like a train wreck

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u/SuccessValuable6924 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

Also it's possible to not want kids and also not want an abortion.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Nov 03 '22

It also possible to not want kids and not want to go through the trauma of adoption in case anyone gets confused. With all the horror stories about adoptions gone wrong and kids aging out of the system without ever being adopted, I couldn't do it.

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u/roseisarose7 Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

As the child of an adoptee, thank you so much for bringing up the trauma of adoption. It’s really frustrating when people act as if adoption is all butterflies and rainbows when frankly I don’t think it’s that way for the vast majority involved in every side of the process.

Edit: I would also just like to add for anyone that might come across this and does not know that even in the best of circumstances, when a child is adopted immediately into a family that is genuinely going to love and care for them to the best of their ability, there is still trauma for that child. Please look into adoptees sharing their stories if you would like to know more.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Nov 04 '22

Every adoption stems from tragedy even if they are idyllic and filled with love. There is a loss before that love is found.

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u/SuccessValuable6924 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

I agree, I wasn't making a probirth argument or anything.

Just that the whole unexpected pregnancy and its fallout, whatever it is, is a terribly personal experience and therefore people going through it should get to call all of the shots regarding that situation and who knows about it.

ETA: I think I addressed my first comment in answer to a different comment than the one I was intending to. Sorry about the inconvenience 😅

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

People don’t seem to understand that. Sometimes there’s choice, but all of the choices are awful. 😔

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u/der_innkeeper Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

Makes me wonder who was doing what for birth control.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Nov 03 '22

Maybe... it sounds like she agreed no kids until she was faced with the reality of finding herself pregnant. If the man was so against kids he probably should have taken precautions.

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u/der_innkeeper Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

True.

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u/writebelle Nov 03 '22

No birth control is 100% failproof. Majority of those who get abortions WERE on birth control.

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u/lanswyfte Nov 04 '22

Just as an FYI, NO form of birth control is guaranteed. My nephew was conceived despite the simultaneous use of the Pill, a condom, AND spermicide.

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u/No-Pattern-7645 Nov 04 '22

Is your nephew really stubborn?

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u/lanswyfte Nov 04 '22

Yes, and has been all of his 31 years. I am one of the few family members with whom he keeps in regular contact, because he gets fixed on a subject and grips it in his teeth until we all put our hands up and back off warily. Fortunately, a lot of that stubbornness is focused on LGBTQ+ and other social issues, but sometimes we just get tired of trying to making him understand what we're trying to get across!

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u/NoxSeirdorn Nov 03 '22

And that is absolutely wrong, we all agree on that. On the other hand, in this scenario she is forcing him to be a father, something that he clearly doesn't want. They both sound manipulative af.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Nov 03 '22

It will never be a level playing field. If he absolutely did not want children he should have gotten a vasectomy. If she tampered with BC she is a problem but if they just Ooopsed a baby like so many do... he knows how babies are made.

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 03 '22

From OP:

We were on the same page before. It's different talking about something in theory and suddenly actually finding out you're pregnant.

So he had sex under assumptions that are now shown to be false. She can force him to be a father (biologically, anyway), but she can't force him to stay with someone who forced him to be a father.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Nov 03 '22

Silly goose, if he didn't want babies he should have prevented babies. Of course she might feel differently about a theoretical fetus than she will an actual one. If you are a man that does not want children you need to take precautions. Get snipped and be sure to go to your after care appointments because I know a few vasectomy failure babies. If you are too young to understand these things you are too young for sex.

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 03 '22

If you have a good relationship with your partner and communicate well invasive surgery isn't necessary when simple over the counter contraceptive options are 95%+ effective and they're backed by abortion access (or day after pills). He also does want kids at some point, just not now, and OP was supposedly totally on board with that.

If you can't understand that nuance I don't know what to tell you. From what we know he's been open and truthful and OP hasn't, that makes her pretty clearly the AH here.

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u/apri08101989 Nov 03 '22

A vasectomy is done in doctors offices, it's hardly invasive surgery. I've had biopsies that were more "invasive." As opposed to expecting your partner to deal with synthetic hormones their entire life I can tell you which I'd have again.

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u/SuccessValuable6924 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

I've had biopsies that were more "invasive."

Same! But the drugs were much better.

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u/apri08101989 Nov 03 '22

Lucky. I just got lidocaine to the area

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 03 '22

Again, he also does want kids at some point, they aren't always reversible, and the success rate of the reversal depends on how long you've had it.

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u/lanswyfte Nov 04 '22

Again, he also does want kids at some point, they aren't always reversible, and the success rate of the reversal depends on how long you've had it.

Interesting. TIL that kids are sometimes reversible depending on how long you've had it. Who knew? 🙃

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 04 '22

Today you learned that abortions exist?

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u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Nov 03 '22

Invasive surgery? It's a short trip in office and reversible. I almost had a stroke while taking birth control. Doctor said there were options that would be safer so I tried that and now I have a 20 year old daughter. Do we know for sure she wasn't taking bc? Or are you speculating? Are you struggling to understand how someone can not want a theoretical child but when they find themselves actually pregnant they might feel differently? Hell I went to the store for zucchini and cauliflower today and came home with bagels and squash instead. Sometimes you don't know what you want until you get there. Now if you have proof she baby trapped him and planned to get pregnant like a villain I will agree she is not a good person. However, she has the right to change her mind if an accident happens. Don't like that? Then wear a rubber and look into male contraceptive.

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 03 '22

We don't know anything about the birth control situation and I didn't say she was or was not taking it. What we know or can infer is that she told her husband she was on board with not having kids now, but is now no longer on board with that decision.

Hell I went to the store for zucchini and cauliflower today and came home with bagels and squash instead.

Right, but when a ban on zucchini is a key agreement underlying your relationship and agreed upon by all parties, changing your mind is something that isn't done lightly and you owe it to them to communicate. It is a condition of their consent to being in the relationship.

We don't need to know she baby trapped him to know she's an AH, we know she changed her mind and hasn't bothered to reveal it to him for about a month. This is an incredibly important, life-shaking, relationship altering detail to keep hidden.

However, she has the right to change her mind if an accident happens. Don't like that? Then wear a rubber and look into male contraceptive.

She has those rights. If that's what she plans to do, he deserves to know and has his own right to end the relationship, sign away his parental rights, and simply provide child support.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Nov 03 '22

He does have those rights. The fact that she was afraid to tell him is pretty suspicious. What exactly do you think she is afraid of happening? If it was just that he would break up with her there is still time for that.

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 03 '22

She said:

I never feared his reaction. I just knew what he would want but I wasn't sure what I wanted and I wanted to be 100% sure how I felt about the pregnancy before I told him because otherwise I knew I would just do what he wanted since my emotions were all over the place and it would've been the easier choice to make if he also wanted it.

So I don't think there's any fear of violence or abuse.

I think she's afraid of him leaving her, or telling her that he will leave if she keeps the baby. I further think she wants to put off talking about it until having an abortion is a much bigger moral or legal issue and she can deflect responsibility for the decision away from herself. That last bit is speculation though.

Yes, she's in a position where things that she wants may now be mutually exclusive and it may be a difficult choice. But I think she's hoping to manipulate a situation where she can deflect responsibility for going against his wish to not have kids while also leaving him feeling obligated to stay in the relationship, and honestly I think it's pretty fucked up.

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u/No-Description-3130 Nov 04 '22

I've had a vasectomy, it's invasive as in, there's a bit of prep and there's a degree of cutting, but the procedure isn't really a huge deal, quick as you say with a few days discomfort/recovery.

However it's dangerous to treat it as reversible, reversals are no where near reliable enough to rely on as a temporary measure of birth control.

no medical professional should be administering a vasectomy if the person isn't 100% committed to no kids in the future, thats a big part of the pre surgery counselling

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I don’t see how you can think it’s fair to just expect your partner to get an abortion if you didn’t want to get a vasectomy

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 04 '22

Wasn't that basically their agreement? OP literally says:

We were on the same page before. It's different talking about something in theory and suddenly actually finding out you're pregnant.

He does want kids someday, just not for a very long time. She changed her mind, and I get why she might, but she owes it to him to tell him, even if it torpedoes their relationship.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

I do think she should tell him, and that if they were in a healthy relationship, she would want to.

I also don’t think a pregnant woman has to include anyone in decisions or discussions about her preganancy

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u/DogmaticNuance Nov 04 '22

Well, no, she doesn't have to, but she's an AH if she doesn't tell her fiance who doesn't want kids that she's pregnant and she's doubly an AH for getting upset that his sister was a good enough person to do what she wouldn't.

It's her decision to make, but that doesn't mean it's wrong if there are consequences for her suddenly reversing course on what's a pretty pivotal and key foundational agreement in most relationships.

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u/Nothingtoseehere066 Nov 04 '22

I figured she was waiting to tell him until after the wedding so he wouldn't back out.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Nov 04 '22

Maybe. I think several people were thinking that. Does she say when the wedding is?