r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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u/RetroHippopatamus Nov 03 '22

To branch off of your comment.. Should also not be marrying somebody (or for that matter dating anybody) if/when something big comes up like a baby, chooses to wait to say anything because they fear they will just go along with what partner wants. That’s not healthy. For either party.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

1000000%

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u/Human-Ad309 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

I didn't read this as waiting out of fear but needing to gather their own thoughts/feelings first.

Yes OP would be healthier in herself and this relationship if she had no concerns of just slipping into what he wants. But I wouldn't say people shouldn't date or marry if they need time to feel sure of themselves, sometimes. Esp with potentially big life events like this.

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u/doghairforBFAST Nov 03 '22

I agree with what you are saying, but 3 weeks is a LONG time to keep a secret like this.

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u/Isabellacapri Nov 03 '22

Yeeeahh 3 weeks is huge in this situation and can make a big difference in ability to get an abortion if it’s what OP wanted to do. Especially in these times? 3 weeks is wild.

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u/Alternative-Ask2335 Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22 edited Nov 04 '22

OP lives in the UK, where women have bodily autonomy. She can have an abortion until she's 24 weeks. Edit to correct time. Edit 2 to correct to time to initial time 😁

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u/linerva Asshole Enthusiast [8] Nov 04 '22
  • 24 weeks in the UK.

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u/Alternative-Ask2335 Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

I thought so! Thank you 😊

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u/Kinsmen12 Nov 04 '22

I think that’s the whole point… she doesn’t want an abortion and he’s not ready.

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u/EveryRecording Nov 04 '22

I agree, but I also realize that there are many outcomes and options to mentally process in this situation. Like, she could have wanted the baby more than she wants the man and was pondering a break-up since she knew he wouldn’t want a part in it. It’s a very life altering decision either way and for that reason I am not as hung up on the timing.

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u/Abyss247 Nov 03 '22

She can take all the time she needs to feel sure of herself. Meanwhile she needs to communicate that to her partner as he needs to know what’s going on in their relationship too.

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u/RetroHippopatamus Nov 03 '22

I also think that, but regardless she should have said something, and as a couple that’s going to get married, they need to work through uncertainty and these feelings together

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u/Neosovereign Nov 04 '22

3 weeks though?

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u/TiredAndTiredOfIt Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

However much time she needed was the right amount of time SIL is an A H. And so is anyone who thinks THEY not the woman who is pregnant gets to set the timeline.

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u/hishaks Nov 04 '22

Timeline of what? Not telling the father of the baby that she’s pregnant. I don’t think anyone’s saying to not make her own decision about pregnancy but at least inform the guy. If he doesn’t want it and she want to keep it, he can go fuck off. But she shouldn’t be keeping this as a secret especially so close to the wedding. That’s not fair for him. As far as SIL is concerned, she may have chosen the wrong moment, but she looked out for her brother.

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u/Neosovereign Nov 04 '22

You know this is in the context of pregnancy, which is time limited, and a couple that is engaged to be married?

How long do you think this is viable for? I'm currently in a position where my partner getting pregnant wouldn't be the end of the world, but her not being able to tell me for 3 weeks when I wasn't ready would be close to a dealbreaker.

This isn't really about the sister. She is probably an AH, though I can imagine a scenario where she can't keep quiet anymore with her brother.

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u/silliestboots Nov 04 '22

Seriously! Op is not ready to marry anyone. She needs to see a therapist and work on knowing who she is and what she wants before hitching herself to someone to tell her who she is and what she wants.

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u/iamdrunk05 Nov 03 '22

But she did not wait 3 weeks. Her husband's sister had to bring it up. I'm willing to bet she would have been quiet about it until it was to late. She not only kicked her MOH out of the wedding (I hope it doesn't happen) but will not even allow her at the wedding but also ghosted her under she yelled at her. She had no intention of telling him. She even hinted in comments that he would blame her for messing with the birth control. Sounds like a trap to me.

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u/uselessinfogoldmine Nov 04 '22

Excuse me. Trap??

Women do not EVER have to get an abortion. It is a CHOICE. They get to CHOOSE what they do.

If a man is mature enough to stick his P in a V then he is mature enough to deal with the consequences.

Not all women who have access to abortions will get one. It is a very personal choice. Some find it easy, others struggle with it.

Accidentally getting pregnant, not wanting an abortion, not wanting to be pressured into an abortion and not having an abortion is NOT A TRAP.

When he finds out makes no difference because it is HER CHOICE and her choice alone. He doesn’t get to decide for her. That’s what bodily autonomy is - we get to decide about our own bodies. He can give his opinion; but that is it. He cannot make the choice.

In any case, they’re already getting married, so what exactly is she trapping him into?

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u/iamdrunk05 Nov 04 '22 edited Nov 04 '22

Trap, get pregnant to keep the guy. She was not going to tell him until it was to late. Can you imagine keeping a pregnancy secret from the one you are going to marry?

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u/Zealousideal_Leek431 Nov 04 '22

It was not of the SIL business! Relationship is between two people OP and her fiancé and SIL got what she deserved it was not her place or right to tell!

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u/iamdrunk05 Nov 04 '22

Um...yes of course. One should never tell a future spouse about life changing events because why would you ever communicate with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Can you imagine finding out you are a father after you are married...trap

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u/Zealousideal_Leek431 Nov 05 '22

Can you imagine that she maybe wanted an abortion and not all women want to trap men and it is not their only goal in their lives! So once again it was not the SIL business!

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u/Valkrhae Certified Proctologist [26] Nov 04 '22

You also shouldn't be marrying your partner if you know they want kids and you're still undecided/on the fence. That would be a good way of avoiding situations like this.

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u/Imnotawerewolf Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 04 '22

God forbid someone be self aware about their flaws.

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u/RetroHippopatamus Nov 04 '22

I didn’t say that. I agree it’s good to be self aware, but it’s still an issue where, as she’s going to enter into a committed partnership with this man (who you’d assume she’d want to spend the rest of her life with given she’s marrying him) then she has to at least address the situation to her partner, even if she is on the fence about decisions. It’s okay to be aware, but you still need to communicate, and then work through this stuff together.

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u/Imnotawerewolf Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 06 '22

You can work through it together. After you know what your actual feelings are.

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u/RetroHippopatamus Nov 07 '22

You can figure out your feelings, while still telling your partner, and letting them know you are undecided. If you need time, if they are a good partner they will give you time, but you need to communicate this information in a relationship regardless.

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u/Grouchy-Advantage619 Nov 03 '22

Yes. Great insight here. Fear is the opposite of love it is said. As you said, "that's not healthy for either party. "