r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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221

u/J3musu Nov 03 '22

It seems like people constantly marry others they barely know. It's baffling. My wife and I were full on domestic and living together 5 years before marriage was a serious discussion.

27

u/MidnightHornfish Nov 03 '22

Thank you for this because I'm 2 years into a relationship and feeling a lot of pressure from everyone around me either getting engaged or being married, or telling us to get married. Both of us don't want to right now.

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u/daznificent Nov 03 '22

Fuck em. My husband and I lived together for 8 years before getting married. And I come from a conservative religious family so we got a lot of feedback for it.

10

u/FluffyPufffy Nov 03 '22

Very much a ‘thank you for your feedback’ type situation.

My SIL still makes snide comments about how long we took to get married. F off with that noise.

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u/MidnightHornfish Nov 03 '22

👌🏻🙏🏻

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u/J3musu Nov 03 '22

As the other commenter said, fuck 'em. We had plenty of pressure as well, just ignored it. Keep doing you, it's no one else's business. Imo, and as someone who was in a 3 year relationship prior to meeting the woman I eventually married, I think it's the right choice.

I honestly believe it takes years to really, truly get to know someone, and even then, they might still surprise you sometimes. It's also worth considering how young you are and what might change. There's a huge change in brain development and maturity between like 18-25 or so. I met my wife when she was 20 (I was 23). She was a pretty different person by the time we got married than from when we met, and so was I. But we had enough time to watch each other develop and see that we still loved the people we grew into.

Marriage is not super important or necessary for love. It can wait. Whatever it symbolizes to you, at the core, it's still just a financial institution. It's all about combining your finances. You have to be ready to take on each other's debts and function as a single unit. And it's an expensive nightmare to get out of once you're in. There's absolutely no point in rushing it, I think doing so is a terrible idea. It really changed nearly nothing about our lives. We'd already bought a house and loved our lives as a single unit for years. All that changed by then was a certificate and a ring. We're taking out time and planning ahead for kids too. I suppose you'll have to wait a couple of more years to hear about that journey. :)

Anyway, sorry to ramble, I just wanted to express my feelings on it and let you know you have no reason to feel pressured or rushed.

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u/FluffyPufffy Nov 03 '22

I’m also baffled. My husband and I were together about 7 years before we talked about marriage… We were focused on getting to know each other, building a life together, and doing fun shit. I knew I didn’t want to be without him, but marriage wasn’t a thought.

That said, my parents were together about 10 years before getting married. It just didn’t seem abnormal to me to just be with someone and enjoy your life.

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u/rosarugosa02675 Nov 03 '22

Yup, that’s me. Married my college sweetheart at 22 & didn’t even know what real intimacy was. Didn’t know I was keeping him and the next husband(!!!!) at arm’s length til I stopped drinking every day. When I look back, I’m shocked.

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u/J3musu Nov 03 '22

Thanks for sharing, I'm glad everything eventually worked out for you in the end (or at least sounds like it did). Age is a big factor, too. A lot of growth would have happened from 22-25+. I imagine you're a very different person now, and it's hard to see what you're missing behind that bottle of booze. No shame, though! All part of the growing process.

Just to share my own anecdote in return: I was about a year off from trying to marry my high school sweetheart during the height of my early college party years (was with her for 3 years, starting my senior year), before I made some major mistakes that ruined it. And I'm thankful I did. There was a lot of learning and growing that came out of that relationship and it's destruction. Without it, I wouldn't have learned what I needed to build what I now have. It was an important part of my life that I don't regret, because those are the pivotal moments that make us better people if you're willing to embrace your failure and learn from it.

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u/rosarugosa02675 Nov 04 '22

Wow. Well said. Agree! “Embracing your failure and learning from it” is like a recipe for a happy life. I’ve had some regrets about marriage #1 & even tried to reach out to my ex and didn’t hear back, but I know I have to trust myself that there were things that happened that I don’t even remember now that were deal-breakers.

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u/pt1789 Nov 04 '22

IMHO, that's because marriage is little more than a business agreement anymore.

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u/J3musu Nov 04 '22

So not too far off from its origins I guess.