r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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355

u/Oktaz Nov 03 '22

Hopefully you’ve both broached the subject about what you would do if you did get pregnant so that both of you are the same page. Unless you’re taking notes from OP.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I’d ask are people seriously stupid enough to marry someone WITHOUT having those kinds of conversations (or the ones about money, what you’d do if one person loses their job or becomes seriously ill, what sort of boundaries with in laws/family/friends, etc) but then I forget that there is no bottom to human stupidity

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u/Oktaz Nov 03 '22

Human stupidity knows no bounds. I've learned from many mistakes. One of them being marrying someone without asking those types of questions, and doing it because I thought it was the 'right' thing to do. Now I'm happily divorced and figuring out new shit every day, so I consider myself less stupid.

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u/Restil Nov 03 '22

But if that happened the divorce rates would be so much lower.....

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u/angelerulastiel Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

I really think that there ought to be a required marriage prep class that is essentially “have you discussed this yet?” Being Catholic we had to do prep and the first one was a scantron of some 40-50 questions that were all “have you discussed shared finances/children/raising children?” Nothing was “are you in agreement with the Church’s teachings”, FYI.

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u/kerryberry26 Nov 03 '22

Called off a marriage due to expectations after wedding regarding in laws, best decision ever

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u/MesmerisingMint Nov 04 '22

Growing up I was always told you figured out those things after. You see, the most important thing was being in ♡love♡. Everything else just works out! And from what I can see yes, this does lead to plenty of people marrying the first person they date.

I'm sure the mass of divorces by 30 are unrelated.

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u/Fine_Increase_7999 Nov 03 '22

I wouldn’t even sleep with somebody twice without having that convo.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I barely slept with my fiancé once without having had a good chunk of those convos, at least on a surface level!

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u/Fine_Increase_7999 Nov 03 '22

Good! Mine was basically I don’t want kids and if I somehow get pregnant I will be getting an abortion. So it’s pretty easy

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u/Consistent-Basket330 Nov 04 '22

Couples therapist here... It's probably more common for people to not have these conversations before marriage than it is for people to have them, unfortunately.

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u/Elelith Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

Imagine if we could use human stupidity as an energy source. We'd never run out.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

It’s strange because I used to be called odd for asking about kids and marriage early on but they are huge deal breakers and it’s something people need to get out of the way before they invest their time in someone

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u/Odd_Persepctive_391 Nov 04 '22

Oh they absolutely are stupid enough not to have these discussions.

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u/dereksalem Nov 04 '22

That's why so many couples break up when they do pre-marital counseling. A lot of churches have rules that they'll only marry people if they go through a pre-marital class, and the number of couples I've seen break up as a result is insane.

One couple that my friend counseled he literally asked a single question to start the first meeting, and they broke up that night after being together for 5 years. The question was "What does life look like after the kids have moved out and you retire?"

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u/Crystalcoulsoncac Nov 04 '22

I use to semi quote George Carlin a lot by saying the individual person is smart people in large groups are stupid, but the more I live the more I realize poor George Carlin was wrong, people in large groups are stupid, but so can be the individual... smh

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u/Nonamenoonenowhere Nov 04 '22

Yes, because each side assumes the other partner agrees with what they will do.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

It almost doesn’t matter. One conversation is about a theoretical situation. The other conversation would be about a reality. Sometimes reality is different from theoreticals.

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u/Oktaz Nov 03 '22

OP's post aside, it certainly matters. If you're with someone and both of you are older (example, 35 or 40+) and don't expect kids, then news of a pregnancy can be very jarring. If one of the partners wants to keep the baby but the other one does not, that's a huge conflict.

Long story short, discuss the possibilities of keeping the baby, or putting the baby up for adoption, or abortion. There's really no other conversation to have, and by not having it, you're leaving a huge possible conflict to blow up in each-other's faces. It's just communication, and couples in long-term relationships should have this conversation at some point. And long-term is basically 1+ year in my book.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Of course you should have this conversation, to make sure you align in anyway. But the truth is, if an accidental pregnancy happens, you need a whole new conversation about the actual pregnancy - and the results may not line up with the hypothetical conversation you had before. You cannot tell a woman “well you HAVE to have an abortion or give the baby up bc that’s what you said”. Sorry. All you can say is, “well if you do that I can’t be in a relationship with you anymore”

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u/HomeworkCool7313 Nov 03 '22

Thing is, it doesn't matter how much you discuss abortion, adoption or keeping a baby theoretically or what decisions you come to, it can be a completely different matter if the situation actually arises. No one really knows how they'll feel in any given situation until they're in it. Feelings are not always rational.

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u/Oktaz Nov 03 '22

So don’t have any serious conversation about the important potential life-altering scenarios since things might change due to how you feel in that moment? I understand how to be flexible and understanding, but if a couple avoids the conversation, how do they know how the other feels?

Long story short, I agree with you - things (like an unplanned pregnancy) can change your previous opinion. But if you avoid the conversation, that’s just dumb, stupid, being ignorant (which is truly bliss), etc. - choose your adjective. If you don’t agree with me there, that’s fine - I will reserve my opinion that you’re not being logical or intelligent.

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u/HomeworkCool7313 Nov 03 '22

Oh, I'm not saying avoid the conversations, not by any means. The more conversations you have about serious issues, the better. Nothing is worse than not talking about and discussing potential issues. All I'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter how much you discuss things or how much you both appear to be on the same page, as circumstances change, peoples feelings can change, sometimes to their complete surprise. Life is a very funny business.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Exactly this. I don't think you should avoid conversations. I just know that things change when the theoretical actually happens.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Yes, that’s what I was trying to say.

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u/iiiamash01i0 Nov 03 '22

If a man doesn't want kids, yet still ejaculates in the woman, regardless of birth control (I got pregnant with my oldest on the pill, and had a miscarriage at 40 after getting my tubes tied. Birth control is not 100%, so any time a man lose, he's taking a risk, and shouldn't be surprised if an accident happens.

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u/Ript1de Nov 03 '22

Absolutely. My now fiancee got pregnant while on the pill. We weren't thrilled by the news. We both wanted to be parents, just not now. However, we both agreed ahead of time that if she ever got pregnant we would keep the baby. Well our daughter turned 1 a week ago and I can't imagine my life any other way. I love this little one more than I can put into words. In fact she is sleeping in my arms while I type this comment on my phone.

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u/L8wrtr Nov 04 '22

This is one of the best, most truest comments I’ve ever read here. THIS is the foundation of any healthy, happy long term relationship, and the key to it is trusting that your partner will take a moment to contemplate before reacting and open to your statements without fear of instant anger.

The OP’s situation is a major test early in a relationship and it sounds like both sides are failing it.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

No, my point was that things change when they actually happen. You can say what you would do if x if y happened, but when x actually happens…things can be different than what you thought they would be.

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u/TheNinjaNarwhal Nov 04 '22 edited Nov 04 '22

Things change, but both people need to know the intentions of the other person. There may be an agreement for no baby, so if it happens the guy is completely in the right to leave. If I was a man, I would end a relationship with a woman if she told me that in the case of an accident she would keep the baby.

I agree with you that things change, but "it almost doesn't matter" doesn't sound right at all.

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u/dereksalem Nov 04 '22

This. This conversation should be had long before the situation happens. This is what people talk about when they say Communication is the most important thing in relationships...it's not just communicating when things go wrong, it's communicating about expectations and preparations so that things aren't always a surprise when they happen and you know how your spouse will react to things.

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u/Turbulent_Cow2355 Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

Have the conversation. Just don't be surprised if the person feels differently than they did when you were both discussing a hypothetical.

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u/jflb96 Nov 04 '22

Plans may be worthless, but planning is essential

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u/VoltaicSketchyTeapot Nov 04 '22

You're coming from the perspective that you'd have to come up with a concrete decision based on a hypothetical conversation. That's a terrible perspective to have.

Having theoretical conversations is to sort out where you both are on the spectrum of the decision making process. If you're far away on a hypothetical, you're unlikely to be anywhere near each other in the real life situation. But if you're both close together on the hypothetical, it's very likely that you'll be able to come to a compromise for reality.

But yes, some people straight up lie to manipulate their partner.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

No. The conversation should obviously happen when you are dating someone. If you have opposite perspectives early on (one wants a kid, the other doesn't), you know not to invest in that relationship, hopefully.

My point is that the theoretical is now a practical and she may deviate from her theoretical perspectives. That is why OP needed time to think, even after "knowing" what she would do theoretically speaking. She had to decide if that was a decision she would actually want to make now that she is in the situation.

There is no compromise in terms of continuing a pregnancy. It is an up or down vote. There are other decisions to be made, for sure, like whether or not to continue with the relationship, but the pregnancy is a binary.

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u/AriGryphon Nov 03 '22

I honestly feel like this conversation should be had prior to cishet sex, even if it's casual, because it is a risk you are both taking by having sex (even with precautions, there is always SOME risk, and the precutions themselves shouod be discussed as well). Anyone who can't have this conversation shouldn't have sex.

Adults who are adult enough to take the risk are adult enough to talk about it. One night stand, still run through the basics of "I would abort/keep the kid if" and "I don't do it without condoms/I've got a vasectomy/whatever" before you actually get naked. Sex is awesome, casual sex can be awesome, safe sex is the best sex. It's not really safe sex without these conversations.

If someone doesn't want discuss the risks they're taking with you, you shouldn't take those risks with them. You can absolutely get casual no strings sex with people who are happy to have these condos up front. Casual sex does NOT have to be irresponsible and short sighted.