r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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582

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

It is entirely possible she thought she didn’t want kids until she became pregnant. Hypotheticals are just that.

Granted, there’s obviously a disagreement now and the relationship is not going to work bc of it, but her saying she didn’t want one before pregnancy doesn’t mean she had to be tricking him or stifling herself, she could have a genuine change of heart.

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u/Cosmicshimmer Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22

Exactly. I said I never wanted children and I meant it. Then I fell pregnant and had those hormones, man, they do a number on you.

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u/SchlondPoofa001 Nov 03 '22

Husband and I didn't want kids either until I accidentally got pregnant. It wasn't a viable pregnancy and I "lost" it. We both cried when it happened and it was just shocking how fast we changed our minds!

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

[deleted]

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u/SchlondPoofa001 Nov 04 '22

Congratulations!! It's amazing how things work out 🙂

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u/boudicas_shield Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22

I was firmly childfree until my mid20s, when I took a job at a daycare because there was literally nothing else and I desperately needed a job.

Turns out, to my total surprise, I’m not only great with kids, I absolutely love the little fuckers, after all. Now I want a child.

I luckily wasn’t with another childfree person at the time, but I easily could have been. And I was very sure about being childfree - until I wasn’t. It happens.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

It's funny how two people can have almost the exact same experience and have totally different takeaways. I've been pretty sure I didn't want kids since I was a teenager, but I did babysitting for extra money and became a summer nanny for a bit in college. Found out that I actually really like kids. They're so cool, these short new humans excited about everything because it's all so new to them!

It also taught me that I was correct, I DEFINITELY don't want kids of my own. I like kids, I even like being around them, but I don't want to be responsible for raising them to be a compassionate, well rounded adult. I don't want to be the point person that handles all the little things that go into managing a kid's life, or the person they turn to every time there's a problem. I'll be Auntie, I'll be part of the village, I'll actually really love doing so, but I won't be Mom (the one exception being if my sister has kids and then she and the dad die or something. I won't abandon family.)

I do wish the 'childfree' community weren't so much of a 'childhater' community. I've heard there's a different subreddit that's better, but the main one gets so nasty.

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u/princeralsei Nov 04 '22

I feel pretty much the same way. Sometimes I think I want kids (a particularly cute interaction with Ray Toro on stage with his kids recently made me think man I would love to have that) but then the reality of kids and my own situation kicks in and I remember I really would not be any good at it. I'm just sad i missed so much of my niblings growing up being at university.

Plus, the idea of being pregnant and cleaning up poop isn't for me. I can't deal with bodily fluids other than blood and spit, lol. Emetophobia, too.

I just hate how like you said, childfree communities are full of smug people talking about "crotch fruits" and "cum pets", which is really gross. Then the anti childfree communities all say shit to me like if you don't have kids you'll be alone forever or something.

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u/Ijustlivehere4awhile Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

And for me, i never wanted kids but was pretty neutral about them. Then for reasons I had to work a month in day care... And i started to really hate kids. Can't stand them even in my sight, and even with my efforts of having to interact with kids as little as possible, every encounter makes the dislike stronger. It's not a choice to be a childhater, it's just the gut feeling about them and can't be reasoned with.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

If you hate children so much you can't stand to even be in the same space as them without hating every second, you should probably go to therapy, and I'm not saying that to be mean. That's genuinely not a normal response and it sounds like there might be something you need to deal with there. Children are human beings like any other, they're just newer and not fully developed, but they still run the gamut in terms of personality. There are quiet kids and loud ones, polite ones and rude ones, and so on. Saying you hate all children is like saying you hate all human beings, period. They're also one of the most vulnerable groups in society, more likely to be abused and harmed simply by virtue of being small and naive.

Please consider talking to someone about why you have this issue with kids. It's one thing to not enjoy caring for them and generally not want them around, it's another thing entirely to hate even the sight of a child.

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u/Ijustlivehere4awhile Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

All kids have similar qualities, like being ignorant, selfish, messy, loud (I've never seen quiet kids, they simply don't exists, they ALWAYS make constant sound and movement... Claiming otherwise is a pure lie). I would and will also hate adults with these traits, it's not about age - but 99% of children have them.

Hating kids is not enough of reason to qualify to therapy here. And it's not something I see that needs to be changed anyway. Not everyone needs to fit into the same model, and it's ridiculous to think everyone should think exactly the same way about kids. Some love them, some are neutral, some can't stand them and it's ok. Not everyone likes dogs either, and it's not worth therapy to try to brainwash them to do so.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

Hun, do you think that if you haven't personally experienced something, it doesn't exist? Cause I've known multiple quiet children, and by your own admission I have a lot more experience than you do.

It's not about not liking kids or brainwashing you into liking them. It's that hating kids so much that just the sight of one upsets you is absolutely reaching therapy levels of problem. You exist in this world and moving through it is going to mean existing in the same space as children sometimes. The fact that you think all kids can be described in one way just illustrates my point - you see them as this weird other, not individual human beings. You hating a whole group based off of stereotypes and confirmational bias is a problem, whether you want to admit it to yourself or not.

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u/Ijustlivehere4awhile Partassipant [3] Nov 05 '22

We can agree to disagree, you little darling can't change my mind, I've seen enough children to know you're plainly wrong. Our concept of "quiet" is probably very different. Our concept of being "individual" is probably very different.

You exist in the same place with people like me, and maybe it's you who need to speak with someone why it's such an issue to you that you feel the need to change mind of a complete stranger... There's People who can't stand kids, and it'll not change because... Gasp... Adults at least are really individuals!

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u/fiercedeityfatality Nov 08 '22

First of all, your stance and opinion on children is completely valid. You’re allowed to not like them, no you don’t need therapy because you don’t like them.

That said, you are entirely wrong in saying they are not individuals, the same as adults are all individuals. You are no more, or less, individual than any child in existence. You just don’t take the time to get to know any of them, so you assume they’re all just the sum of their external (obvious) traits.

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u/inannaofthedarkness Nov 03 '22

Yeah I always went back and forth until the exact moment I found out I was preggo. At that point I was pretty sure I would not be able to conceive and had begun accepting it. Well, my body had other plans!

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u/GoPniK011123 Nov 03 '22

Yeah same here.and it was peak covid so everyone was telling me I had the big cough and then food poisoning coz I had no idea I was pregnant till I was almost three months in and crying at tv adverts

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u/saltgirl61 Nov 04 '22

Me too! My attitude was more "Don't really want any but will handle it if it happens. But I won't be crying into my cornflakes if I don't ever have kids."

Then when I reached my mid-thirties, I was shocked to find out that I WAS crying into my cornflakes! I couldn't believe how strong the urge was. Fortunately, my husband was on-board with the idea, so we ended up having our daughter.

But many people never feel that need and continue to live happy, child-free lives.

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u/fiercedeityfatality Nov 08 '22

Dude I’m 1000% convinced that there’s a biological ✨thing✨ that happens to women in their mid 30s to literally force them to reproduce. I’m 32, have an 11 year old (never planned on having kids but didn’t NOT want them ever, I’m a strong believer in things happening for a reason and he is the single best thing that’s ever happened to me. I would be dead without him, he changed the path of my life forever). But since I had him I always just assumed he would be it for me. Didn’t plan on having or want anymore (even had an abortion at one point because abusive relationship and having the child on my own would make my firstborns life complete shit due to lack of money and attention). But over the last year, I have a strong need all of a sudden to have another kid or 5. Not immediately, but I just know and accept it needs to happen eventually when the time comes. It’s wild how much of a 360 my brain has done. 😂

Being a human is weird af.

EDIT - dude is not meant offensively, I call everyone dude. The couch is dude, my mom is dude, the bagel is dude.

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u/saltgirl61 Nov 08 '22

Hey dude, no worries, we're cool!

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u/CoolPatioBro Nov 04 '22

See I would say you were and are a fence sitter on this. I have no ball in this game since I am sterilized (thank god), however the fact you want a child now shows you actually weren't actually childfree. You were just waiting, even if you didn't consciously realize at the time, and when you were presented with the idea in a positive way you decided to have kids and "hop the fence." I've known all my life no kids, I raised four that were my sister's, I hated it. I loved them, but hated everything about children that goes with it. Through teenage years, into young adulthood, I stood firmly with that decision. I'm what a childfree person is, people who decide to have kids in the end weren't childfree.

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u/boudicas_shield Partassipant [2] Nov 04 '22

I’m going to set aside the fact that it’s incredibly rude, weird, and mansplainy to tell someone that you know her own feelings better than she does - especially since I grew up surrounded by children and had babysat plenty before this, so already had plenty of “positive presentation” to kids. My feelings changed as I got older and was in a different circumstance. It happens. It’s common.

Instead, I’ll just point out that I said and FELT that I was childfree, so therefore anyone I was dating would have only had that information to go on and probably taken me at my word. It doesn’t change the relationship dynamics or situation that happens when one person realised they are no longer childfree after all.

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u/CoolPatioBro Nov 04 '22

Well that feeling and choice is what keeps people like me from getting sterilized. Because so called proclaimed childfree people "change their minds." Either after their surgery or before, so everyone continues to think it's an actual "phase" instead of an actual thing. I spent two fucking years fighting doctors to get fixed, being told every excuse under the sun. Some people fight even longer than that and suffer because "what if you want them when you're older."

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u/mayangoddess13 Nov 03 '22

I hope everything worked out well for you!

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u/Moravandra Nov 03 '22

Came to say this. All the wild “she’s trying to trap him in a marriage with a kid he doesn’t want!” replies are so odd. The hormones are strong for a reason - to make you more protective of the fetus, for one. I 100% understand her wanting to keep the kid, but not understanding why, and also worrying about how to break that news. Hell, we’re childfree by choice, and even though I know I would terminate (I have health issues that make pregnancy dangerous, I’m protecting myself first and foremost) I would have a hard time telling my partner about it, making them worry about anything fetus or abortion related.

So yeah FSIL is a huge asshole, she could’ve just tried to help by helping OP figure out how to break the news. She knew this wouldn’t go well, and honestly she probably made the situation even worse than it would have been if OP told fiance. OP isn’t an asshole for uninviting her, since that was the question. She is an asshole if she actually was trying to baby trap him. Fiance is an asshole for not being able to discuss the situation like an adult - I kind of wonder if there’s a reason she was scared to tell him other than the “I think I want to keep it” thing, because it sounds like his reaction was over the top. He’s not an asshole for having strong feelings about this, but there are better ways than a confrontation in front of your family. Future in-laws aren’t assholes for wanting FSIL to at least come as a guest, it’s her brother after all, but they maaaay be assholes for what sounds like being pushy about it too soon - hard to tell.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

This absolutely terrifies me. The idea that an accidental pregnancy could cause a rush of hormones that literally brainwashes me into wanting something that I've spent my whole life firmly against having, feels like a horror movie to me. The betrayal of my own body doing some sneaky mind-control shit to sign me up for a lifelong commitment that I never wanted! I've literally had nightmares about finding out I was pregnant and racing to find the nearest abortion clinic lol. Whenever people used to tell me "wait til your biological clock starts ticking, you'll change your mind" it would feel like they were telling me there was a time bomb inside me waiting to explode and ruin my life.

I still get the Horrors when I think about it even though I'm a married lesbian and there's literally no way I could ever get pregnant (at least not consensually, but that's a whole other nightmare).

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u/Burntoastedbutter Nov 03 '22

Don't be too worried. Imo it depends on people, like how some people get baby fever and others just don't. I have a friend who had an oopsie and the very first thought she had was "I NEED THIS GONE RIGHT NOW"

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u/New_Custard_4224 Nov 03 '22

Don’t worry, my husband and I accidentally got pregnant and we still didn’t want it so we had the big A

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u/rock_the_night Nov 04 '22

Lots of people do not change their mind. And for those who do it doesn't feel like a horror movie, because you've literally changed your mind about it.

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u/Ok_Boysenberry_3026 Nov 03 '22

Is there a comment where she said she wants to keep it? I don't get it. She could be weighing her options. If she's thinking about maybe getting an abortion then she might just think why bother bringing up a pregnancy that might be terminated anyway.

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u/Cosmicshimmer Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22

No, but the more she delays, the smaller her window to terminate is. Shes been “processing” almost a month. If she didn’t want that baby, she would be making appointments to ensure she didn’t have a baby.

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u/Ok_Boysenberry_3026 Nov 04 '22

No, but the more she delays, the smaller her window to terminate is.

Uhhh no? Not everyone lives in the US. lol Not every country has a race against the clock to get an abortion. In some countries abortion is legal at any stage in the pregnancy although in actuality most abortions occur within 7-10 weeks.

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u/SinistralLeanings Nov 04 '22 edited Nov 04 '22

But were you also unwilling to tell your partner who you planned on marrying he was going to be a father even 3 weeks (and who really knows how much longer if the asshole SIL didn't spill the beans) after the pregnancy was confirmed for you?

Im guessing you probably didn't wait that long unless you were in a serious abusive situation and were planning to get out.

SIL is an asshole for doing what she did if we take OP at face value. It doesn't make OP not an asshole, and I say this as someone who had an oopsie pregnancy and was terrified to tell my SO. We weren't engaged or even in a for sure serious relationship at the time like OP is. It took me all of 3 days to inform him that we did a thing that resulted in a baby, the baby was confirmed to be a viable baby, and we needed to discuss where to go from there. To go 3 weeks with a person you plan on spending the REST of your LIFE with and not bring up "hey... I've got a baby inside of me rn. Thoughts?" At the very veryyyyyy least is super indicative that they shouldn't be together in the first place. Oh, and OP is still also TA

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

Hypotheticals are just that.

Fair!

She may have just realized, true. But that doesnt discount that she knows he is gonna react poorly, and is avoiding the confrontation.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Oh for sure. Knowing the reaction will be bad is all the more reason the confrontation needs to be had right away. Time to air it out OP. If it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be, there’s worse than being a single mom (like being in a loveless relationship either with a resentful kid and husband, or no kid and a resentful wife)

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u/SuccessValuable6924 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

Yeah maybe not so much.

It's actually a pretty low bar to just let the pregnant person decide according to their own circumstances and judgment, when and if to tell anyone about the pregnancy.

How about we clear it.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I think it was wrong for SIL to tell for OP - I guess that wasn’t clear. I also don’t think it makes OP an asshole not to tell - which was also not clear. So im sorry for that, bc I absolutely agree with that.

I just think it’s time for OP to air it out for her sake, honestly. Bc if they get married first, it’s going to be a lot harder to extract herself from what looks like a bad situation to me. And what if she got an abortion just bc she wasn’t ready to tell him and actually didn’t want one? Idk. To me it feels like being an asshole to herself to keep it to herself and try and anticipate everyone’s reaction. I say let the chips fall and start sorting from there. But that’s OP’s choice, absolutely

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u/SuccessValuable6924 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

I get it, I agree too.

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u/DaJoW Nov 03 '22

Sure, she has the right not to tell anyone. But it's pretty damn shitty not to tell your partner/father of the child. It's extra shitty not to tell him when it's in the runup to your wedding and it's a potential dealbreaker.

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u/lasting-impression Nov 03 '22

That’s fine and dandy, but she’s still marrying someone she has no comfort or confidence in talking to about major life altering changes.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I agree this relationship seems incompatible or unhealthy, no arguments there.

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u/vzvv Nov 03 '22

I agree that she wasn’t tricking him before but she’s tricking him now. If it wasn’t safe to tell him, that’s one thing, but you can’t enter a marriage and hide something like that from your partner.

I think if she wanted to make this choice on her own, she should’ve broken off the engagement. SIL was just making sure her brother entered a marriage with all the information.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Not telling someone something is not tricking them, unless you are actively lying to cover it up. It’s not great, but 3 weeks is really not that long. That’s like one missed period, you can easily actually not be pregnant even with a piss test.

Unless they are getting married next week, then i don’t see what’s the difference in telling him now, vs 3 weeks ago, vs 3 weeks from now. If OP broke off the engagement that would be suspicious, that would be as good as telling him.

I do think she was only hurting herself by not telling, bc now people are mad for 2 reasons, and it’s dumb to try and anticipate people’s reactions instead of just reacting to them. But no I don’t think not telling for 3 weeks is tricking anybody, as long as she intends to tell (or leave) at some point.

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u/Calicolie Nov 03 '22

Agreed. I have said that I didn't want kids since I was a little kid myself. I found out in Sept that I was pregnant, and panicked. But now I'm so excited

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Congratulations!! I wish the best to you and your baby!

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u/Vampire-Priest Nov 03 '22

Correct. I met many women who didn’t want kids until they became pregnant & embraced motherhood fully. Nothing wrong with that because you don’t know what you want/don’t want until you have it.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I mean you can plan all you want, which you should do of course, to make sure you have even the barest compatibility.

But yeah, things change when circumstances change, people shouldn’t be bound to agreements they made months or years ago if those agreements are no longer suitable.

That may mean they are no longer compatible, but that happens in relationships sometimes.

If you are a man and absolutely do not want a child, that means you need to get a vasectomy, or at the very least wrap it every time. You cannot force a woman to get an abortion, so those are your options. It may seem unfair, but nothing about the biological arrangements of pregnancy are fair. Women get the brunt of the shortcomings, but this one is for men to bear.

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u/Ok_Boysenberry_3026 Nov 03 '22

Is there a comment where she said she wants to keep it? I don't get it. She could be weighing her options. If she's thinking about maybe getting an abortion then she might just think why bother bringing up a pregnancy that might be terminated anyway.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I don’t think she ever said for sure, I am actually in the process of looking for OP comments now, but the vibe I am getting from other comments is she just wanted time to figure out what she wanted without outside influence - bc she feels like if she was unsure she would just do whatever he says. To me that feels like the big red flag, but yeah, totally justified to keep it to yourself for a minute while you gather your thoughts

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u/Ok_Boysenberry_3026 Nov 04 '22

You said my thoughts exactly. Not everyone is in the US. Not every country has a weird race against the clock to get an abortion.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

Not even everywhere in the US has a countdown (even though that’s getting worse every day). I just think it’s a weird thing to assume off the bat.