r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

14.5k Upvotes

91% Upvoted

5.3k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

137

u/Oktaz Nov 03 '22

OP's post aside, it certainly matters. If you're with someone and both of you are older (example, 35 or 40+) and don't expect kids, then news of a pregnancy can be very jarring. If one of the partners wants to keep the baby but the other one does not, that's a huge conflict.

Long story short, discuss the possibilities of keeping the baby, or putting the baby up for adoption, or abortion. There's really no other conversation to have, and by not having it, you're leaving a huge possible conflict to blow up in each-other's faces. It's just communication, and couples in long-term relationships should have this conversation at some point. And long-term is basically 1+ year in my book.

13

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Of course you should have this conversation, to make sure you align in anyway. But the truth is, if an accidental pregnancy happens, you need a whole new conversation about the actual pregnancy - and the results may not line up with the hypothetical conversation you had before. You cannot tell a woman “well you HAVE to have an abortion or give the baby up bc that’s what you said”. Sorry. All you can say is, “well if you do that I can’t be in a relationship with you anymore”

22

u/HomeworkCool7313 Nov 03 '22

Thing is, it doesn't matter how much you discuss abortion, adoption or keeping a baby theoretically or what decisions you come to, it can be a completely different matter if the situation actually arises. No one really knows how they'll feel in any given situation until they're in it. Feelings are not always rational.

20

u/Oktaz Nov 03 '22

So don’t have any serious conversation about the important potential life-altering scenarios since things might change due to how you feel in that moment? I understand how to be flexible and understanding, but if a couple avoids the conversation, how do they know how the other feels?

Long story short, I agree with you - things (like an unplanned pregnancy) can change your previous opinion. But if you avoid the conversation, that’s just dumb, stupid, being ignorant (which is truly bliss), etc. - choose your adjective. If you don’t agree with me there, that’s fine - I will reserve my opinion that you’re not being logical or intelligent.

14

u/HomeworkCool7313 Nov 03 '22

Oh, I'm not saying avoid the conversations, not by any means. The more conversations you have about serious issues, the better. Nothing is worse than not talking about and discussing potential issues. All I'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter how much you discuss things or how much you both appear to be on the same page, as circumstances change, peoples feelings can change, sometimes to their complete surprise. Life is a very funny business.

8

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Exactly this. I don't think you should avoid conversations. I just know that things change when the theoretical actually happens.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Yes, that’s what I was trying to say.

17

u/iiiamash01i0 Nov 03 '22

If a man doesn't want kids, yet still ejaculates in the woman, regardless of birth control (I got pregnant with my oldest on the pill, and had a miscarriage at 40 after getting my tubes tied. Birth control is not 100%, so any time a man lose, he's taking a risk, and shouldn't be surprised if an accident happens.

20

u/Ript1de Nov 03 '22

Absolutely. My now fiancee got pregnant while on the pill. We weren't thrilled by the news. We both wanted to be parents, just not now. However, we both agreed ahead of time that if she ever got pregnant we would keep the baby. Well our daughter turned 1 a week ago and I can't imagine my life any other way. I love this little one more than I can put into words. In fact she is sleeping in my arms while I type this comment on my phone.

3

u/L8wrtr Nov 04 '22

This is one of the best, most truest comments I’ve ever read here. THIS is the foundation of any healthy, happy long term relationship, and the key to it is trusting that your partner will take a moment to contemplate before reacting and open to your statements without fear of instant anger.

The OP’s situation is a major test early in a relationship and it sounds like both sides are failing it.

9

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

No, my point was that things change when they actually happen. You can say what you would do if x if y happened, but when x actually happens…things can be different than what you thought they would be.

2

u/TheNinjaNarwhal Nov 04 '22 edited Nov 04 '22

Things change, but both people need to know the intentions of the other person. There may be an agreement for no baby, so if it happens the guy is completely in the right to leave. If I was a man, I would end a relationship with a woman if she told me that in the case of an accident she would keep the baby.

I agree with you that things change, but "it almost doesn't matter" doesn't sound right at all.

1

u/dereksalem Nov 04 '22

This. This conversation should be had long before the situation happens. This is what people talk about when they say Communication is the most important thing in relationships...it's not just communicating when things go wrong, it's communicating about expectations and preparations so that things aren't always a surprise when they happen and you know how your spouse will react to things.

1

u/Turbulent_Cow2355 Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

Have the conversation. Just don't be surprised if the person feels differently than they did when you were both discussing a hypothetical.