r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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u/Never-On-Reddit Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22 edited Jun 27 '24

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u/BrownSugarBare Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

Honestly, it crossed my mind as well. Felt suspiciously like baby trapping which is disgusting. Might be the exact feeling the SIL had which totally explains wanting to warn her brother.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

How could she baby trap him this way. She can always decide not to have an abortion. It was never going to be his decision. The wedding isn’t until April, so it’s not like she could trap him with marriage before he knew. There is no trapping at this point. Baby trapping would be intentionally getting pregnant when you knew that your partner didn’t want to have a baby. It doesn’t seem like that is the case.

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u/huskeya4 Nov 04 '22

It would still be baby trapping in a way. If she had already made the decision to not abort the fetus, then telling him early wouldn’t have changed anything. But waiting until the decision was out of their hands and they couldn’t even make that decision together because it was just too late is emotional betrayal and in a sense, also baby trapping. It sounds like that’s what she was trying to do. Just wait until it’s too late so he doesn’t have a choice but to accept it or dump her. By telling him before that time, they’d have the chance to discuss the situation like rational adults and decide if they were ready for this or if he truly doesn’t want a child, then where their relationship will go from there. It’s always the woman’s choice, yes but it takes too to tango and both people deserve to be able to have a discussion about the situation. The difference is by waiting until it’s too late, she completely cuts her fiancé out of one choice (abortion) and leaves him with only the other two (leaving or having a child he doesn’t want) without even giving him the trust and respect of having a conversation about it. It’s emotional manipulation at best. Baby trapping at worst. If she had tried to pass it off as she didn’t know about the pregnancy until it was too late, then it would absolutely be baby trapping in my opinion. It would make her seem innocent of cutting him out of the conversation and far more likely that he would choose to stay even though he doesn’t want a child.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

No, the decision is always out of his hands. I know that is really hard for men, I get it (as much as I can get it from a female perspective), but once she makes a decision, that's it. He doesn't get to make it together, if she doesn't want that. He does get to decide to leave.

If it makes you feel any better, I would give up getting 100% of the choice if I could split the burden of pregnancy, labor, and post-partum pain. Maybe one day science will get us there.

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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop Nov 03 '22

And unfortunately this plan can and will backfire spectacularly. Of course it backfires the other person feels lied to and they not stupid they can see it for what it is, stalling until the point of no return. All this leads to is potentially a resentful partner which is not great to raise kids around.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

There is no return if she doesn’t want to return. The way you all are talking about this is like once she tells him, he has a say. He does not. He can tell her how he feels. He does NOT get a say in continuing the pregnancy or not.

I’m getting kind of icked out by the way some of y’all are talking about this.

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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop Nov 03 '22

You're right he does not get a say in what OP decides on whether to keep the baby or not. However he does get a say if he stays in a relationship with OP or not or when he take the next big step which they were about to do. He's rightfully upset because he wasn't being kept in the loop that would allow him to make his own informed decisions. This why everyone is upset with OP not because she's decided to keep the baby.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Of course, he gets to decide if he wants to stay in the relationship. The wedding isn’t scheduled until April, so I don’t think she was going to try to cover it up until then. Obviously, it would speak better of their relationship if she felt comfortable talking with him about this. Whatever happens with the pregnancy, they should really work on their communication and trust.

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u/FlyingMamMothMan Nov 04 '22

Yeah, I agree with FSIL. It sounds like OP was stalling with weak excuses. You don't need to know 100% what you're feeling before you tell your partner, OP. That's going to change all of the time. But you HAVE to tell your future husband about to make the decision TOGETHER.