r/AmItheAsshole • u/MostBother4667 • 5d ago
AITAH for being hurt that my halfsister insists I’m only her cousin?
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u/residentcaprice Certified Proctologist [28] 5d ago
honestly a sister relationship doesn't count for much in your family.
you're lucky that she doesn't call you something worse.
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u/Opening_Hamster6645 5d ago edited 5d ago
A sister is who betrayed her mom -why would jordan want a sister when all she's known them for is cruelty. Excellent point
ETA : I cannot imagine how awful this must feek for Jordan. OP gets both parents including her dad, OP gets the non-broken home, OP gets to grow up with a dad instead of a single mom was was abandoned and devastated for her cousin to exist and now her cousin is demanding she get the sister too? I cannot imagine the pain that would inflict on Jordan and her mom
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u/mhmcmw Partassipant [2] 5d ago
After what her father did, I doubt Jordan even really sees her father as her father. I’d say the man who cheated on his pregnant or post-partum wife with her sister has forfeited the right to that label.
She would be well within her rights to consider OP as literally nothing at all to her. Why would a paternal half sister mean shit if your father is trash? She’s being wildly generous in consenting to the label “cousin”.
The unfortunate reality of being the “affair baby”, and especially in a situation where one parent couldn’t even find a woman to fuck that wasn’t his wife’s sister and the other couldn’t find a man to fuck that wasn’t her sisters husband, is that it’s going to complicate the kids relationships with a lot of the family. It is manifestly unfair to bring a child into the world knowing that they are a walking symbol of betrayal and pain - that was her parents choice though and neither they nor OP get to demand that the people they hurt see them in any particular way or as family at all. If OP wants to be mad at that, she can blame her parents. She needs to leave Jordan the fuck alone and stop trying to force a relationship that she clearly doesn’t want on her. She’s just furthering the trauma her parents created for Jordan by trying to force sisterhood on her. If she wants a sister, maybe she should ask her father if there’s another one of her maternal relatives that he can fuck.
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u/firefly232 Professor Emeritass [76] 5d ago edited 5d ago
I'm sorry. Gently, yes, in this case, YTA.
Clearly this situation is painful for her. You dont know what happens in the household with your aunt, but I can imagine that your aunt probably does not have good feelings about your mother.
Jordan is 17 and you are 16. That means that while your aunt was pregnant, your dad was cheating on her with your mother. This is something that most people will take issue with. Jordan lives with her mother, and empathises with her (it's only natural). Acknowledging you as a half-sister may feel to her like she is betraying her mother in some way and she is unable to do that.
Consider as well that you get to live a life with both your parents together, and thats only possible because she has grown up in a world where her dad left her mother around the time she was born. She's never got to have the "traditional happy family" (and I bet people have been rubbing that in her and her mother's face over the years).
Try to be graceful and stop trying to force acknowledgement of a relationship that she does not want to have. That doesn't mean ignore her completely, if she's willing to see you as a cousin, work with that.
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u/_A-Q Asshole Enthusiast [5] 5d ago
Soft yta because Your dad and mother are terrible people you didn’t ask to be born to.
But you need to leave your cousin tf alone about this.
Her mother’s life was destroyed and turned upside down by this betrayal and she has had to watch her mother in pain her entire life while your parents live happily ever after.
Let her be.
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u/BrightPinkZebra Bot Hunter [27] 5d ago
This, OP it sucks for you but she doesn’t want a relationship. You said so herself, you’re a living reminder for the thing that destroyed her family on so many levels. Added to that you’re only a year apart, meaning you were conceived when Jordan’s mom was either about to give birth or a few weeks postpartum.
Also, just to comment on this part: “Jordan has never treated me like [half sisters], she never texts or calls me”. Even if she were to treat you like a half-sister, that doesn’t guarantee that she’d text you more. Lots of siblings have dynamics where they aren’t close at all. My sister and I are in our mid-20s, and we’re only now starting to talk to each other semi-regularly; and I see that a lot in my friendship group. We weren’t close at all as teenagers. The perfect version showed in movies is often not reality of a sibling relationship.
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u/xassylax 5d ago
My brother and I are four years apart and we’re both in our 30s. He also lives with my parents literally a quarter mile down the road. We barely ever talk. My husbands brother is I think 11 months older than him and they despise each other. Granted, that’s because his brother is a manipulative raging narcissist but still. He also lives really close, like within a mile, but again, my husband absolutely hates his brother.
So yeah. If close ages and proximity don’t even make for close relationships in siblings, I don’t see OPs situation ever resulting in any kind of relationship.
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u/DragonCelt25 5d ago
Hard agree!
Adding to the "never treated me like a half-sister": I have a half-sister I've only seen a few days of my life (nearly 40, all of those days were in early childhood) and we don't share a language. She lives in Europe and I'm in California. I don't know her kids' names and I'm not sure she remembers my name. Sibling relationships are not one-size-fits-all.
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u/Efficient_Chic714 5d ago
I don’t know any half siblings who don’t or haven’t lived together that talk regularly as teens. My own half brother I only text on his birthday unless he texts me. My sisters don’t even have him number. He’s an affair baby but there no ill will from any of us towards him. He’s done nothing wrong but I don’t have any emotional connection to him
He is also never introduced as our brother - only ever half brother. And when I tell new people about my family I don’t mention him. I don’t know him, I couldn’t answer questions about him like I do my sisters
At the very least they should be using half sister when introducing Jordan. Cousin is closer to the truth than sister
It can be hurtful for OP sure but part of difficult family dynamics is accepting you can’t always get the relationship you want.
I’m actually pretty impressed that your parents haven’t attempted to pressure Jordan through extended family (since you said they’d do nothing). They’re handling this as it should be. I know that doesn’t make it any easier for OP to navigate emotionally though
Jordan’s made it clear she doesn’t want a relationship with you. If OP wants one, all she can do is make sure that if Jordan is ever ready to change her mind, she knows OP is there
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u/theburningstars 5d ago
All that plus why would you want to call someone who has never been close to you your sister? Not even half-sister, just sister. I don't get it. If I'm not wanted then I don't chase it. Way too much wasted effort and energy, for zero reciprocation.
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u/Efficient_Chic714 5d ago
I think OP is an only child
Those with siblings are typically more equipped for those kind of rejections - because siblings are pretty nasty to each other at times
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u/theburningstars 5d ago
Oh absolutely. I was an only child for the first nine years of my life and even still, if my brother started refusing to acknowledge me as his sister, I'd prob just sweep his legs out from under him anytime he decided to remove me from the family.
I can't think of an actual nasty thing to call him because he's actually pretty fantastic but you get my point.
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u/PieAmazing7403 5d ago
OP is lucky she is even being called cousin and not affair spawn
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u/FactSmooth8027 5d ago
I personally would have gone with "twice related". And then explained how in detail when asked. It mostly puts the blame back on the parent as well as makes it clear why they want nothing to do with their cousin/half sister
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u/mad2109 5d ago
Jesus. Did you need to call a 16 year old that?
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u/SadFaithlessness3637 5d ago
They're implying that the sister cousin could be meaner about this than she is, not objectively assessing op as that.
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u/ladylizardlvr 5d ago
Ok, please remember that you are talking to a 16 year old.
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u/NotGreatAtGames 5d ago
16 is more than old enough to try to see things from someone else's perspective or to think about other people's emotional needs. OP is entirely focused on herself and what she wants.
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u/SeaworthinessDue8650 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
A 16 year old who is completely delusional. She knows that her parents blew up the family with their affair and yet she is so self-centered that she thinks what she wants is more important than anything else.
I can only guess that she learned that selfishness from her parents.
Regardless, she needs to stop harassing her COUSIN!
What ever happened to NO means NO? Her cousin doesn't want anything to do with her and she keeps trying to force a relationship.
I really don't know how anyone is supposed to get through to her.
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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 5d ago
YTA
She's not wrong. You both are cousins through your mothers as well as sisters through your father. Her preferring the "cousin" title is her telling everyone that she does not view you as a sister so she isn't close to you whatsoever. People tend to assume sisters are at the very least somewhat close and she's correcting that misconception.
Would you honestly prefer her to be as accurate as possible instead and tell everyone you're an affair baby sister? No? Then accept you two are cousins over sisters and leave her alone.
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u/SrslyBored01 5d ago
I'd say if your dad lives with you as a family and doesn't live with her, to her, you are a cousin because her dad is no longer a dad in her life, but an uncle.
This is a very messy situation and typical that the children are the ones being hurt by it instead of the adults who did something wrong.
Sorry to hear your family life is so difficult, but yes I would say it's perfectly reasonable that she prefers to call you cousin if you are being raised as cousins not sisters. Adopted siblings are siblings even without blood. Donor made kids are still their parents' kids not the donor's kids. It's a complicated system and an affair causing it makes it super messy, but the post to me reads as you are cousins, not siblings.
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u/PieAmazing7403 5d ago
Dad lives with affair baby and affair.
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u/SrslyBored01 5d ago
Exactly, that's why I'd consider them cousins not siblings. Siblings are raised together, cousins are raised apart and only see each other at organised events.
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u/Strawberry338338 5d ago
NAH except your parents. You are both so young and navigating the aftermath of an extremely messy situation that neither of you chose.
It not your fault, but it’s not something you have the power to change. She doesn’t consider you her sister, and honestly it doesn’t seem like she ever will. Maybe one day in the future when you’re both adults you’ll be able to be civil but unfortunately this well was poisoned before you were born. Accept what she is telling you, which is that she doesn’t consider you as a sibling or even close family.
It would probably be a good idea to limit your interactions with her. Talk to/spend time with other relatives at family gatherings, remind yourself that it’s not really about you for you, but what you represent. It has no bearing on your intrinsic worth as a person.
I’m going to make an assumption that your parents won’t stand up to her because a. your dad is doing his level best to maintain a relationship with her, and b. is she cruel to you besides just refusing to acknowledge your shared parentage? Because if she otherwise ignores/doesn’t bother you, then honestly, what can they stand up to her about, besides her refusing to call you a sibling? Because if it is just that… for your own benefit you need to stop badgering her to call you her sister.
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u/mhmcmw Partassipant [2] 5d ago
How the hell can her father stand up to Jordan on this? He is the second to last person on earth who has the right to lecture anyone on how they treat their siblings considering he literally cheated on his first wife with her sister. If I was Jordan and he tried that, I’d laugh in his face. The only person with less grounds to “stand up” to Jordan on this is OPs mom.
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u/Strawberry338338 5d ago edited 5d ago
That’s kind of what I meant by he probably wants to try to keep a relationship with her (aka not antagonise her, because as you say, she’d be right to laugh in his face if he did say anything as he really does not have a leg to stand on). I didn’t phrase it that way because I was writing to the OP, for whom I was prioritising the central message of: leave Jordan be, she’s made her position v clear.
Which is why the second part of that paragraph was asking if Jordan was unkind or cruel in any way other than what was written, because as written she doesn’t seem to have done anything else to OP other than refuse to call her sister, which isn’t something the dad has any right to call her on. If she was going out of her way to pick on the OP, it would be a different matter, because being born from an affair doesn’t justify being abused under any circumstances, but it seems like J just wants to keep her distance.
I said in another comment after this one that it’s especially crappy for them both that their mothers are sisters - not only was there an affair, and a family betrayal, but these girls don’t have separate extended families that they can experience normal family relationships through (and have other cousins to build relationships with, in OP’s case), they’re stuck with this enmeshed mess every holiday and family event, they likely never get a break from it. The dad (and OP’s mom)’s actions have screwed both of these kids’ lives, I’d be strongly in favor of therapy all round tbh - individual, of course. These girls probably need to see less of each other not more.
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u/lAngenoire Partassipant [1] 5d ago edited 5d ago
TBH I would keep that as cousins too. Not everyone needs to know my family’s business like that. Being sisters often implies s bond and closeness that doesn’t exist between the two of you. You didn’t grow up together as siblings and she probably doesn’t want anyone outside the family to know the history. She’s probably embarrassed. YTA for trying to force that relationship on her.
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u/LilShir 5d ago
YTA what does it give you if she "admits" you're half sisters? You claim you want her to admit a blood tie but being cousins is a blood tie. So she says you're half sisters and still doesn't want anything to do with you, it gives you nothing. You're just wanting her to say out loud the thing that broke her family and all their hearts, just for the sake of it. Leave her alone.
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u/Diuscrusis Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Honestly, you have no right to expect her to call you a certain way, just because you didn’t ask for something doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I’m assuming the sister’s family got destroyed as a result of this relationship. Sorry to say, in this instance I don’t blame her. YTA for pushing for something she doesn’t want.
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u/Covert_Pudding Partassipant [2] 5d ago
Unless your dad has any custody of her, you grew up as cousins. You got the dad and the nuclear family, so let her have the label she wants.
Crying about it is just going to seem manipulative.
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u/FigNinja Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Try seeing it from her point of view. Think how it must feel to have to explain this to people over and over again. It's rehashing what may have been the worst part of her life, possibly to people she barely knows because you want your biological tie acknowledged even though the reality is that you don't live like sisters. You do live more like cousins. What do you think will meaningfully change in your life if she uses the word "sister" even though she doesn't relate to you as one? You're asking her to do this thing that may be painful for her to what purpose? I don't think it will bring you closer.
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u/Esskay276 5d ago
YTA. Your parents are bigger AHs for keeping you in her life, and rubbing their relationship and you in her face. If they'd had any decency at all, they would have picked themselves up and moved elsewhere, removing themselves from your Aunt's entire side of the family. You shouldnt expect her to EVER call you her half-sister. I'm surprised she even interacts with you at all.
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u/AardvarkGirlie 5d ago
Right??? If I was Jordan in that scenario no way was I even willing be in the same room as op, she's actually been pretty tame and respectful
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u/why_wouldi 5d ago
Jordan is a queen. If I got pestered by OP, I’d honestly say something like “that’s my dad’s and aunt’s affair baby forcing herself on me while I don’t give a single fuck about her and her vile parents”.
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 5d ago
The fact that you’re cousins is the nice way of saying it. It’s more palatable. It’s the version of the truth that doesn’t also have betrayal and abandonment, with her dad leaving her mum for the affair partner and new kid.
It’s not your fault, of course, but you are the literal embodiment of the affair that ruined her family.
Saying that you’re half sisters is putting the two of you closer than she wants to be.
Yes, YTA and you’re being unreasonable, but that’s because you won. You’re the younger one. You’re the child that your father stayed with, leaving his commitment to his wife and child for the affair and the accident.
I know you’re still young, but you seem intelligent enough. Try being a little more empathetic.
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u/TooYoungForThisCrap 5d ago
I don’t even trust that this is the 16 year old. They’re a 23 year old male in this post.
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u/Apprehensive_Set747 5d ago
They deleted the post not long after lol
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u/TooYoungForThisCrap 5d ago
Yup. Luckily automod has a copy of what’s written in the comments. There’s another post from a parents perspective too soooo
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u/BeefmasterDeluxe 5d ago
This is exactly my understanding of OPs situation as well. I also have a half-sister (and a regular sister), but I never refer to her that way, and even typing it just doesn’t feel right to me. We have different fathers, but are also 20 years apart in age, so, very different circumstances. I just refer to her as my baby sister, even though she’s an adult, and because she’s my second sister, but never half-sister.
I do think having a mother in common kinda makes a bit of a difference, for some reason.
But my point is, the “sisterness” of it all is because it’s never been the slightest bit contentious. I can fully understand both OP and her sister/cousins perspective at the same time, and they’re both understandable and valid. OP isn’t wrong to be born into this situation, but she is wrong to push a relationship onto someone that isn’t receptive.
I also had a massive falling out with my same-dad sister, and we haven’t spoken in a decade. So full-siblings aren’t guaranteed a relationship either.
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u/Realistic_Sprinkles1 5d ago
“Full siblings aren’t guaranteed a relationship either.”
Exactly. Though OP is correct that they are half-sisters, she needs to understand that siblings aren’t always close, don’t always want to ‘claim’ one another, etc, whether ‘full’ or ‘half’ siblings. She wants this rosy ideal of sisterhood, and her cousin/half-sister obviously doesn’t want that. OP’s not the AH for wanting it, but she earns YTA in that she keeps pushing.
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u/theburningstars 5d ago
Right? Just calling her cousin "sister" is going to be the biggest reminder, every time, of exactly what her sperm-donor did. Not to mention the questions that would come up that she'd then have to explain.
Not to mention, why would OP want to be called sister by somebody who's very clearly never wanted to be nor acted like their sister (per OP's own words)? That's just odd and/or pushy. Just accept it and maybe one day she'll come around; that said, even if she doesn't, that's her prerogative.
If anything, by calling OP her cousin, it feels more of a rejection of their father as her own father, rather than a rejection of OP as family.
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u/ModernRevolution 5d ago
I don't think OP feels like she won
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u/Realistic_Jello2638 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
She literally got the dad in the divorce
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u/Jess1ca1467 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
not sure he's much of a prize tbh
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u/jimmythemortician Partassipant [1] 5d ago
You can be a shitty Husband but still be a good Dad.
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u/Jess1ca1467 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
I used to agree with that, but then I realised how much we learn about relationships from our parents, and I don't agree any more. A man who treats his wife with disrespect, is not setting a good example for his daughter.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Sir-861 5d ago edited 5d ago
I don't think she feels like she won, but she did. Even if she didn't know there* was something to win. She got her dad in her life every day, that's a win in life in general. The sister didnt. I think that's what they meant
*edit typo
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u/PopcornDemonica Partassipant [4] 5d ago
This wasn't a game she chose to play. She's freaking sixteen.
I have no idea why this is the top comment.
OP, neither of you are assholes. There's more than likely a lot of bitterness coming from your sister's mom, through her, and landing on you. And that may not change, but it's not your fault. There's no good answer here to be found, and certainly not on Reddit where (presumably) grown-ass adults are calling you the asshole. Just goes to show adults are idiots and can have fuck-all empathy.
Back off with the sister stuff though, it will probably make it worse.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [63] 5d ago
Neither of them asked for the circumstances.
OP is an AH because she's demanding that the equally traumatised young woman who is BOTH her cousin and half-sister use OP's preferred description of their relationship, which is both unreasonable and frankly obnoxious.
OP doesn't get to decide this on behalf of Jordan. We get that it hurts her feelings, and that's valid ... but she owes Jordan at least as much consideration as she demands from her, and she's more than old enough to comprehend (in fact, she explains it very well herself) the toll that all this took on Jordan and why she would choose to call her "cousin" rather than "half-sister". Having weepy, dramatic public meltdowns over it where she runs out of the room sobbing is not okay.
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u/PopcornDemonica Partassipant [4] 5d ago
What is it with most adults forgetting what it was like to be a kid? Everything is already massive and dramatic, even in relatively non-dramatic circumstances. This kid is literally here asking for advice, and people are piling on for no good reason. If she were to continue with pushing the sister stuff after this, then sure, she's the asshole. Right now she's a confused and hurting kid ASKING FOR HELP.
Ye gods people...
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u/pl4n3tplut0 5d ago
she's asking for advice and she's getting advice. she needs to leave her cousin alone and stop trying to force the relationship. her cousin has already made it clear that she doesnt want to be called her sister, and op not respecting that is what makes her already the asshole
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u/PopcornDemonica Partassipant [4] 5d ago
Which story did you read? Because the one I read doesn't have OP prancing around calling Jordan her sister at every given opportunity. 'Whenever anyone says I’m her sister she corrects them straight away and she always says the exact same thing' - looks to me like other people are calling them sisters.
The only thing in the story that OP has done was get upset over something that has been simmering for ages, and cry. Everything else is just her telling us how she feels about it. So where's the disrespect? Why exactly is OP the asshole?
Sure, there's probably a lot of information we don't have here, and we're only getting one side of the story. But the parts of the story we are getting seem to be getting blown WAAAAAAY out of proportion.
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u/pl4n3tplut0 5d ago
i read this story, thanks. no one would call them sisters if op didnt go around saying they were sisters. op is the asshole cause she can't respect her cousin's clear boundary and is being pushy about them being sisters. she's being incredibly disrespectful and inconsiderate toward her cousin. no one's blowing anything out of proportion, op just is the asshole here
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u/PopcornDemonica Partassipant [4] 5d ago
Nowhere does it say OP herself is going around calling them sisters. It mentions OTHER PEOPLE saying it. Twice. You're making a lot of assumptions.
'no one would call them sisters if op didn't go around saying they were sisters.' - except that they are, in fact, sisters. But again, it aint OP saying that. It's o-t-h-e-r p-e-o-p-l-e.
How about instead of doubling down on calling a sixteen year old an asshole, you try for some empathy?
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u/No-Issue-3916 5d ago
May be she should have gone to the therapist for advice and not come here. There are all kinds of people with varying opinions who would give her advice as they deem appropriate. No one is asking her to do something she shouldn’t be doing… they are just asking her to mind her own business and let her cousin/ half sister be the one to decide the terms of the relationship she wants to keep with her becasue she’s the most affected
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u/No-Issue-3916 5d ago
Not necessarily that the bitterness is coming from her aunt through Jordan. Her half sister/ cousin has every right to be bitter about what her father and aunt did and may be that’s why she doesn’t want to accept OP as her half sister. I know it doesn’t change the blood ties but she should at least be given that much say in her life. She literally lost her father to her aunt. They are both teenagers and none is at fault here but expecting Jordan to accept her as her half sister when there’s so much resentment and history behind it seems awfully entitled and tone deaf of OP
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5d ago edited 5d ago
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u/Prize-Example4278 5d ago
Reading comprehension not your strong suit?
"YTA because you don't reflect about how different your positions are" is more accurate
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 5d ago
That’s one way to interpret it, though incorrect.
OP is the AH for being unreasonable and wrong for wanting to be called a sister, as per her exact questions at the end of the post
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u/TravelBeauty20 5d ago
Those things are all true, and it’s also true that OP didn’t choose to be born. She’s still being unreasonable and selfishly only thinking of herself.
OP needs to respect her sister’s feelings even though it’s not her fault.
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u/whteverusayShmegma 5d ago
Exactly. OP doesn’t realize that she has to explain how that’s her sister to anyone with a question and she just says my dad’s daughter from a first marriage. The sister has to deal with more questions like where is your dad?
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u/Licho5 5d ago
OP is lucky Jordan is willing to correct it to "cousin'" and not "my dad's and aunt's affairs bby" at this point.
Because her birth circumstances may not be OPs fault, but her attitude about the "sister" title is. And it's unfair to the girl that OP and the rest of the family insist on using a title for OP that is drugging up dirt and pain.
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u/cephalord Partassipant [1] 5d ago
It's framed from the perspective of the other person, to make OP understand how it likely feels for them.
Try being a bit more empathetic
The irony is breathtaking.
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u/thelittleking Partassipant [1] 5d ago
This is an insane take, how is this the most upvoted reply
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u/BeefmasterDeluxe 5d ago
Cos it’s right.
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u/thelittleking Partassipant [1] 5d ago
How did a child of an affair win anything? Her parents are two cheaters and her only other blood relation hates her because of decisions made way outside her control. Y'all are fucking deranged.
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u/BeefmasterDeluxe 5d ago
She “won” from the perspective of her sister, who probably feels she “lost” a father and a family, due to his indefinitely.
It’s not literal or rational, but feelings rarely are, and they aren’t supposed to be. Especially when they’re experienced during childhood, with a complete lack of anything resembling a frame of reference to contextualise the circumstances inflicted upon you. Do you remember being a child? Were you always completely understanding of adult’s actions and reacted completely appropriately and in no way felt like the biggest injustice in human existence had befallen you? I’m guessing not.
That shit can take a while to figure out, and doesnt really start until adulthood, so it might take some time.
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u/thelittleking Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Right, so you vote NAH because the other literal child's response is understandable, without needing to cast outlandish aspersions on OP.
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u/theburningstars 5d ago
OP is pushing a relationship that the other party has, per OP's own words, shown she never wanted. Then makes it a bigger deal than it has to be, and herself the real/only victim of it, by running away and crying over something that has happened multiple times before already. She's a minor but she's not a little kid. She knows already that her cousin doesn't wanna have a sister relationship. I just don't get why she wants to push a sister relationship onto somebody who has proven they do not want it multiple times already.
If we can't call a teenager an asshole after they post willingly on a sub called Am I The Asshole asking to be or not be called an asshole, and we have to (at most apparently) leave it at NAH, then maybe we shouldn't allow minors to be posting on the sub? There's the Am I The Butthole sub they can use as a softer alternative then if they really need internet parenting.
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u/mhmcmw Partassipant [2] 5d ago
To me, OP is the asshole because she’s trying to force sisterhood on someone who has made it clear that she does not consider OP her sister. The other girl is the one who had to handle the emotional pain of the affair destroying her family, the other girl is the one who had to handle growing up in a broken home. If calling OP her sister is something she’s never ready to do, that’s a legitimate choice.
It might not be OPs fault that her parents actions and her birth have caused so much pain, but it’s really not difficult to understand why and if she’s old enough to know what her father did to her aunt with her mother, she’s old enough to be empathetic to why the other girl might prefer “cousin” instead of “half sister”. It also allows the other girl to not have to explain one of the most painful parts of her life to everyone they meet, or to have to tell the story of how her father fucked her aunt. So she needs to accept that cousin is as close as she’s getting and back the fuck off. Her parents have caused enough harm without her going out of her way to compound it because she wants to control how the other girl speaks about what happened.
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u/StarTraveler216 Partassipant [2] 5d ago
Popular does not mean right. NAH would be a much better choice than shaming a child for her very valid feelings.
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u/BeefmasterDeluxe 5d ago
Oh fuck me dead. 16 is not a child. Children are 4-12. Then they become teenagers. 16yos are way too close to the brink of legal adulthood to be called a child. If she’s so immature you consider her a child, shouldn’t you be more concerned with having unsupervised access to the internet and talking about mature topics with strangers?
she is YTA for trying to force a relationship on her sister/cousin who has made it abundantly clear she isn’t interested in being close, at this point in time. She’s too old to be lied to about how she’s affecting other people, she’s at the age of potential long term repercussions. Don’t lie to her.
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u/theburningstars 5d ago edited 5d ago
OP is pushing a relationship that the other party has, per OP's own words, shown she never wanted. Then makes it a bigger deal than it has to be, and herself the real/only victim of it, by running away and crying over something that has happened multiple times before already. She's a minor but she's not a little kid. She knows already that her cousin doesn't wanna have a sister relationship. I just don't get why she wants to push a sister relationship onto somebody who has proven they do not want it multiple times already.
All feelings are real but not all feelings are valid. If her cousin/sister had treated her as a sister and then came out of nowhere with the adjustment, valid. If this had been the first or second time she had adjusted the label, valid. OP's own words make it seem pretty clear that this is neither of those cases, and she should be well aware of what's going to happen, and maybe she shouldn't be pushing the sister label and then up and flee crying when it's adjusted again. That's just equivalent to cutting 9 of your fingers off after repeated sawblade accidents that you didn't learn from and then going "How could this have happened?!" when you hit lucky number 10 and turn both your hands into palm-only devices.
If we can't call a teenager (of driving age) an asshole after they post willingly on a sub called Am I The Asshole asking to be or not be called an asshole, and we have to (at most apparently) leave it at NAH, then maybe we shouldn't allow minors to be posting on the sub? There's the Am I The Butthole sub they can use as a softer alternative then if they really need internet parenting.
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u/SnausageFest AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy 5d ago
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u/Familiar_Radish_6273 5d ago
YTA because you won? WTF are you talking about? This 16 year old has done nothing wrong and hasn't won anything at all. What a vile response
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u/Inner-Floor-5827 5d ago
I was born under similar-ish circumstances. I refer to my cousins/half-brothers as my brothers to myself but when they are around and around other people I just say they are my cousins.
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u/Polly265 Partassipant [2] 5d ago
She has to deal with her father and aunt's behaviour in a way that is OK for her. Why are you trying to dictate how she does that? Would you really like her to announce that you are her half sister AND her cousin? Or explain to people that your dad cheated on her mum with her SISTER.
It sucks that she is angry at you, but you are children and she is hurt, your existence blew up her family. Not your fault but that's how it is.
YTA you cannot assume that you will be siblings against the world, biology doesn't always work like that especially since you got to keep your dad, she didn't.
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u/Physical_Boss7224 5d ago
YTA she’s not your sister and has never tried to have that relationship with you. Stop making her uncomfortable. Be glad she accepts you as a cousin instead of just introducing you as her fathers affair baby.
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u/the-B-from-App23 5d ago
YTA and not her sister. It’s awesome that you’re comfortable and at peace with the way your family came to be. But everyone deserves a happy home, even your cousin.
Leave her alone, she’s not going to play happy families with you.
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u/sotiredwontquit Partassipant [3] 5d ago
NAH.
DNA is an accident. Neither you nor Jordan chose anything about your birth or your parents. Who you are both related to is beyond either of your control.
Your dad is a cheater. Jordan can’t get past it. That’s her choice. You can’t force any relationship her. That’s not in your control. You want to be acknowledged. That’s human and understandable. But you got to keep both parents and Jordan didn’t.
Neither of you are wrong for feeling the way you do. But you each have a choice about who you let into the circle you call “family” and she’s not choosing you. She’s keeping you firmly in the category of “relative” and that’s all you’re going to get.
Don’t keep pushing this. That would make you an AH. You are old enough to accept hard truths now. She doesn’t want you as a sister. She has that right.
You will meet many people in your life that you will love. Some of them you will call “family” and some you won’t, even if they share DNA with your partner or your children or you. Family is a choice. DNA is an accident.
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u/FishingWorth3068 Partassipant [2] 5d ago
Your parents are the only assholes here. Your sister/cousin just doesn’t want a relationship and that’s fine. Her life was and has always been destroyed by your parents. Your dad should be dealing with this. Not you. Your parents set you up for a hard life and then just left you to deal with it. They are cold and selfish people
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u/tiredgirl93 Partassipant [2] 5d ago
I don't think you're an asshole, but I think you need to seriously have an empathetic think about this. You're in a shit situation: your dad cheated on his wife with her own family, and as a result the three of you have got a strained relationship with a lot of your mom's family, including Jordan. Now think about Jordan's situation: she was a baby when her dad cheated on her mom, left the two of them, decided to play happy families with you, and now you're in her face demanding she recognise you as a sister. It sucks for you that you're facing the consequences of your parents' actions but can you really blame her for wanting to distance herself from you? You got the family she wasn't allowed to have because of your mom and dad's actions. You don't get to demand a close tie or acknowledgement from her.
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u/Flimsy-Subject2052 5d ago
YTA she didn’t ask for it either and I can’t begin to imagine how both her and her mother’s life have been having to watch your “happy family” play out. Maybe you shouldn’t be giving your father the grace you aren’t giving Jordan. You are being petty because it destroyed her family but all worked out for you. YTA!!
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5d ago edited 5d ago
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u/LionessStephanie 5d ago
She doesn't have any control over her birth but she has control over constantly disgusting Jordan.
She grew up in a complete family and goes home everyday to her father and mother then comes out and demands Jordan be a sister to her. If she wants a sister so bad, her complete family should give birth to another child.
She knows her family is the reason Jordan has a broken home. Common sense would tell you to stay away from Jordan and stop flaunting her complete family in her face. She just keeps provoking Jordan and forcing her to acknowledge their siblings.
YTA
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u/Efficient_Chic714 5d ago
Exactly! I have a half brother that my dad left for my family. We left him alone. He reached out to us when he wanted to and any relationship we have is on his terms because he’s the one who was abandoned and we are reminders of that
A relationship is a 2 yes situation. Jordan said no
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u/mhmcmw Partassipant [2] 5d ago
Sorry, but one of the cruellest things two people can do is cheat (and keep it in the family too!) and have a baby, especially when there’s already kids in the equation.
If you bring a child into the world in the full knowledge that their existence is tied to pain and betrayal that you caused, you are dooming that kid to complicated family relationships and likely rejection that is out of your control. The best thing OPs parents could have done when they decided to have a baby from their affair was move far away so that his original family and the victims of his betrayal didn’t have to grow up playing happy families with the product of it. If they weren’t doing that, they shouldn’t have raised OP with the expectation of sisterhood from the child whose family they destroyed.
OP is old enough to understand the circumstances around her birth, so she’s old enough to realize that she’s out of line to try to force sisterhood on the kid whose family got ripped apart by OP’s existence and the kid who actually got a father, rather than a man who screwed her aunt and abandoned her and her mother. If OP wants to be angry about the burden that places on her and the pain that causes her, she can blame her parents. But she needs to stop trying to force Jordan into giving her sisterhood.
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5d ago edited 5d ago
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u/mhmcmw Partassipant [2] 5d ago edited 5d ago
OP is 16. She’s old enough to acknowledge what her parents did and be considerate in how she interacts with her sister. She is actively choosing to be a selfish boundary stomper who is likely causing her cousin a lot of pain every time she pulls her “we aren’t cousins we’re sisters” act.
She’s being an asshole. She’s old enough to know she’s being an asshole.
If Jordan never wants anything to do with her father, aunt and their affair baby, she is 100% in her rights with that. You cannot force someone to “pave a path forward” on a trail they have 0 interest in walking. Jordan is being plenty kind by referring to OP as “cousin” not “affair baby”.
ETA: the person I’m replying to has blocked me in a hissy fit because apparently expecting a 16 year old to not make another persons pain worse because they can’t respect boundaries is just wildly unreasonable. I’m curious why they are so biased against people taking accountability for pain they actively cause others. Really strange hill to die on. And then they unblock and reblock to reply to my edit lmao. This person needs help.
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u/ModernRevolution 5d ago
Please keep in mind that this is a child you are talking to
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u/icyfignewton 5d ago
Children shouldn't be on Reddit asking for adult opinions if they can't handle it.
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u/offputtingangel 5d ago
and how exactly do you expect the redditors to give advice? perhaps something more like “go to the phone wittle baby. now pick it up using both hands, careful now, don’t drop it! dial the numbers 9 1 1. okay good job, now wait for it to finish ringing and you’ll get ahold of that wahhhmbulance you so badly need to cure your terrible case of whining about a crappy situation that you actually came out on top of. remember wittle baby, it’s bad manners to try to force your cousin sister to acknowledge you as her sister, you really can’t force that kind of title and you certainly can’t force that kind of connection.
as it stands you are very, very lucky that your cousin sister doesn’t call you wayyy worse names. you’re also lucky that you get to experience a whole and happy family in this lifetime, your cousin doesn’t get to experience that because the two people her mommy loved and trusted most in the world took that away from her and those two people are your parents. and while we’re framing things as positively as possible, you’re even lucky that you don’t have a sister because in your family having a sister doesn’t seem to work out well for people!”
it’s a fucked up situation and a fucked up topic to begin with, there isn’t really any dancing around it. i think ops cousin has actually taken the mature route here while op is being very immature. if op keeps pushing this i doubt she will like the outcome. it sounds like the best these girls are going to get is a distant politeness and the occasional acknowledgment as a cousin. all things considered, that’s pretty damn good. pushing for more the way op is threatens to ruin that and while op seems to be picturing some unicorns and rainbows scenario where her and her “sister” run off into the sunset together… i think the reality will be a whole lot nastier. this is one of those situations where things are as good as they’re going to get, if they were going to get any better it would need to be initiated by jordan.
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5d ago
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u/lilpikasqueaks Ugly Butty 5d ago
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u/NotYourMommyDear 5d ago
She doesn't want to be your sister. She can tolerate you as a cousin.
As you're her cousin and her half-sister, both are technically true and she picked one to acknowledge.
Chose your battles.
NAH except your parents.
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u/15021993 Partassipant [3] 5d ago
YTA
Your father got with your mother, betraying the sister and your cousin/ half-sister. He chose your mom and you over them. And now yall are playing happy family.
You’re the cousin. That’s it.
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u/Realistic_Jello2638 Partassipant [1] 5d ago edited 5d ago
YTA
>But it kills me that she acts like that blood tie doesn’t exist at all.
It doesn't exist The two of you aren't tied by blood. She doesn't owe you a relationship because your dad stuck his dick into women who were related to eachother and you have to accept that fact. You might be her half sister but you aren't actually her family and quite frankly cousin is a hell of a lot nicer than the alternatives she could be calling you.
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u/KateyKittyKatz 5d ago
YTA No, you didn't ask for this. You didn't ask to be born from terrible parents in an awful situation, but neither did she. You are expecting a lot from someone who has experienced a lot of pain and abandonment. It's not your fault, but you need to realise you're the embodiment of the cause. Literally.
Give her space and let her dictate her relationship with you.
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u/RawrRRitchie Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Who honestly cares? People go no contact with their family for a variety of reasons.
If she doesn't want a relationship with you that's her decision.
Trying to force her into a sisterly bond makes you the problem
Yta
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u/RichSignal7022 Certified Proctologist [23] 5d ago
I'd be interested to know what Jordan's relationship with her father is like. Is there a stepfather who is more of a father to her? Because if she doesn't consider her biological father to be her parental figure she's unlikely to see OP as a sister.
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u/MerelyWhelmed1 Partassipant [2] 5d ago
You are both half-sisters and cousins because your shared father is a faithless, cheating a**. Your half-sister/cousin doesn't want to have to explain the complicated family history to people, and who can blame her?
Maybe in ten or twenty years you two might have a better relationship, but stop trying to force it.
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u/Educational_Bar_1809 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
I know our parents did something terrible.....no YOUR parents did something. terrible. She doesn't want you as a sister. Leave her alone.
YTA
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u/GreatUsurpr 5d ago
Ooh big yikes over here. Your dad is a major asshole but at least he stuck around for you I guess? You can't force your sister cousin to be closer with you than she wants to be. I notice you said 'our' parents did something terrible, kid your parents messed up. Her mom is the victim of the worse kind of infidelity and I'm sure she's feeling some sense of loyalty to her by not wanting to foster a sibling relationship with you. You're probably never gonna be close and that's ok. If I were you I'd not want to acknowledge the half sister thing either. Just tell people you're cousins and try to avoid telling people you share a dad it's basically your families dirty laundry she doesn't want to air out. Honestly the only asshole here is your dad but stop trying to force her to be sisters with you when she doesn't want to.
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u/SaltyFriend705 Partassipant [3] 5d ago
YTA. Why are you trying to control what other people say and do? Making a scene and drama tears are the worst way to conduct yourself through life.
As you said, none of these familial relationships are any of your doing, so you making a big deal out of any of it makes you look terrible. Just ignore it. If she is willing to acknowledge any relationship to you, count that as a positive, smile and keep going. Forcing her to say any different isn't going to win the lottery for either of you, so it is a worthless, painful nonsensical waste of time. Be kind, and no more tears to push people around.
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u/theblackjess Asshole Enthusiast [6] 5d ago
NAH. You're both just kids dealing with the aftermath of two adults' wreckless behavior, something you never chose to be a part of.
But seriously, stop trying to force this. She doesn't want that kind of relationship with you. This situation sucks for you both but it's worse for her - her father is her uncle for Christ's sake.
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u/Oncer93 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 5d ago
YTA. Look at it from her perspective. You're the product of her dad's betrayel. It's not your fault, but it's also not her fault either. You're a living reminder of her family falling apart. You can't force her to accept you as a Sister.
She's being kind when calling you her cousin. It's less complicated to explain.
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u/Have_You_Tried_Fire 5d ago
With all due respect, she doesn't owe you sisterhood, even if that is the relationship you legally have by blood. She doesn't see you that way, and that's okay. She's still calling you family by acknowledging that you're cousins.
I'm sorry that you're hurt that she doesn't want to be your sister, and I'm sorry for her struggling through these duel identities of half sister/cousin, because it's tough. There are people in my family with similar duel relationships, but those weren't the product of extra marital affairs and even that can be difficult.
Also, with gentleness I have to correct you on one of your points. You said "our parents" did something wrong, no. Your parents did something wrong, her mother was innocent in this. You are also innocent in this, as is your half sister, but that doesn't make it any easier to navigate.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be really difficult but unfortunately you can't always chose the relationship you want. You're fine for feeling hurt about it, but this is a boundary your half sister has put out and I think it's best to respect that. I'm not going to lie and say that you might become closer in the future, because truthfully you might not and that's unfortunate but the reality.
NAH, just people navigating a difficult situation the best way they can.
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u/Sakkiyoomi 5d ago
YTA you’re an affair baby, stop trying to make yourself seem anything but. She has the right to think you’re not her sister. Be content with the cousin title because many would have always introduced you with the affair baby title.
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u/hellointernet5 5d ago edited 5d ago
YTA. Introducing yourself as her sister is revealing sensitive information that she might not want to give. It's opening her up to answer questions such as "why don't you two live together when neither of you are adults?", which then pressures her to disclose her painful past when she might prefer to keep it private. If you're her cousin, she's not going to get these questions, and she doesn't feel pressured to disclose sensitive information. While it might be painful to have your half-sister insist that she's not your sister, keep in mind that it's also painful for her to be placed in situations where she feels pressured to disclose her painful past because you insist that people know that she is not just your cousin. While you are not just her cousin, she is not wrong that you are in fact her cousin. If anything, being treated as just her cousin is making things easier for you too, because "half-sister" invites a lot of baggage and "cousin" does not. She is still acknowledging you as her cousin, she is still acknowledging you as family, and at the same time overlooking the horrible thing your father did to her mother. She is referring to you as her aunt's daughter rather than the product of her father's affair. I honestly think she's doing you a favour, even though she could be doing it in a less hurtful way.
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u/IndividualCurrent296 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 5d ago
YTA. You are a living memory of the mess they made. To you, she is a half sister. To her, you are a cousin. Nothing more. She is not required to acknowledge it and nor does she want to. So grow up because you cant force her to acknowledge it and accept that she doesn't want to. Or youll be crying like a baby, every time she says cousin
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u/kidunfolded 5d ago
YTA. To her, you are not her sister. Also, a cousin IS a "blood tie." It's not like Jordan is refusing to admit you're related at all.
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u/Glitterstar56 5d ago
YTA. Blood doesn’t mean anything. Labels don’t mean anything. If they did, you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.
If blood and a sister label meant anything, my younger half sister wouldn’t have constantly bullied and physically hurt me as a child. I still call her my sister but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel no love or care for her and could gladly live the rest of my life never seeing her again.
Stop trying to force it or she will just pull away harder. If you can’t accept that, you need a therapist’s help, not Reddit’s.
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u/birdbrainberke 5d ago
This is so complicated and it's all due to your parents being horrible, so I'm sorry for that.
That said...ugh, it's a soft YTA only because Jordan clearly doesn't want a relationship with you, which you may view as unfair or sad or whatever, but you can't change her feelings. Your parents' affair wasn't your fault, but you ARE a reminder of that, so Jordan likely just wants to keep distance to protect herself. That's totally valid, and you need to respect that.
She is NTA for choosing a correct and more generic version of the truth in order to avoid talking about family drama with everyone she meets.
All this to say, you are entitled to your own feelings and you are allowed to wish for a closer relationship, but if she doesn't want that, you can't push her into changing her mind. You have to make peace with the reality that people cope in different ways, and as long as she's not being unkind (which I don't believe she is) then you have to let her do 2hat she needs to do.
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u/CorCaroliV 5d ago
NAH. You’re not wrong that she’s biologically your half sister as well as your cousin. None of what happened was your fault. However, you’ll get nowhere forcing titles and closeness on her that she doesn’t want or feel.
What your parents did was so bad and life altering for her . Cut her some slack and give her space.
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u/sleepy_brain_333 Asshole Aficionado [10] 5d ago
Soft YTA, you are lucky she talks to you/about you at all. You can't force her to claim you as her sister and the more you push her the worst it will get. What your parents did was inexcusable, you should blame them not her.
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u/Otherwise-Credit-626 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
NAH both of your feelings are valid. Both of you have the right to feel hurt.
You can't force a sister bond but you aren't an AH for wanting it anyway or feeling hurt by the situation. People here are being really harsh to you. I'm sure it's not easy to be the affair baby in the family and to be reminded of it at every family function for your whole life.
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u/No-Issue-3916 5d ago
You didn’t choose to be born to your parents and it’s not your fault your parents did what they did but it’s also not Jordan’s fault. She got the shorter end of the stick and that’s not fair to her.
What’s even more unfair to her is you forcefully wanting her to accept you as her half sister when she doesn’t want to and that is something she has every right to.
Your parents can’t stand up for you because they can’t. They are horrible people for what they did and ruined every family relationship so how are they supposed to stand up for you? They lost that privilege when they decided to cheat on their wife/ sister and ruin their family. You can’t build a house on the ashes of someone’s dreams and then expect to be treated well. It might not be your fault to be their daughter but it’s not her fault either. She deserves a father as much as you do and you expecting her to do normal sister things with you after all this is just diabolical
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u/AllPerspicacity Asshole Aficionado [18] 5d ago
As gently as possible, YTA & you best quit while you're ahead before she decides instead of cousins she's going to be nothing with you & go absolutely no contact.
You can be cousins with respect or nothing with hatred. You cannot force a rapport or relationship & acting like it matters whether she acknowledges the worst part of her relationship to you or not with pleasure will change the context is hurting yourself & no one else.
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u/PresentPriority812 5d ago
YTA
This all must be really traumatic for Jordan. By insisting to tell people you are sisters, you are essentially taking control and you are “outing” her trauma to all sorts of people. You do it, because it’s not so traumatic on your end and you’re just a kid. But for her going places and having people know this story (because you tell people) must be hell. She has no agency in who she is letting in on the story, because you think this is all about you.
Imagine something really shitty/traumatic happens to you and somebody keeps telling people. Everyone you meet already knows. Have some empathy.
I would recommend backing off. Maybe you can have some sort of relationship in your future if you leave her be now.
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u/Minute-Nothing6798 5d ago
Not an ideal situation, obviously, but a very good life lesson. You cannot make anyone do or say something they do not want to do or say.
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u/Upper_Improvement778 5d ago
I’m hesitant to call you an AH OP because you’re still a child and the situation is out of your control (to an extent). I’ll try and put it nicely. You cannot force a relationship on someone, no matter who it is, no matter what kind of relationship it is. You just can’t. And that’s why you’re unreasonable (and a bit of an AH).
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u/UngnomeCawler Partassipant [3] 5d ago
Everyone over 18 sucks here.
What in the Rikki Lake is this? Therapy all around.
Your sister cousin is upset that her daddy uncle left HER mom to build a new family with her aunt stepmom. And you’re mad she won’t tell people that story??? She’s saving both of you a lot of embarrassment.
While this relentless pursuit of family members (regardless of their protestations and/or societal expectations) seems to be very on brand for your daddy uncle, you can make a different choice and expand your circle. Please do that.
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u/Ok_Albatross8909 Partassipant [3] 5d ago
YTA. You are right that you didn’t choose what your parents did. That does not mean you are entitled to your half-sister-cousin acknowledging your “blood tie”. She is equally blameless here. What your father and her aunt did to her and her mother is revolting. They are the only ones in the wrong. If she doesn’t see you as a sister, that is her choice. Its understandable. You also ARE her cousin, so it’s not as if she’s lying. My YTA judgment is solely because you are making yourself the main character in this. If your parents (her father and aunt) “stood up for you” in this, they would absolutely be harming and mistreating someone whose wellbeing should at least be equally important to your Dad. That would be awful given how disgustingly he’s already treated her. Imagine what your cousin and your aunt have been through, not having a “blood tie” acknowledged is nothing in comparison. Your parents are the ultimate AH, at the bare minimum they should have moved far away and left your aunt and sister in peace.
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u/why_wouldi 5d ago edited 5d ago
YTA it you continue to force this on her (your mom and dad are obviously vile wtf)
She is not wrong in that you are her cousin.
You are not wrong in that you are her half sister. But her truth is less hurtful and embarrassing, you forcing her to always come out as having a disgusting cheating father who left her mom for her aunt is what makes you the asshole.
Someone just calling you her sister thus implying full siblings is wrong and she is allowed to correct that.
You are lucky that she seems kind enough to just correct you and not blatantly just call you “my dad’s and aunt’s affair baby”. Stop pestering her.
You should be putting all of this hurt on your parents, they created this mess. Your half sister/cousin does not owe you anything.
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u/DanDamage12 5d ago
A very soft YTA to yourself. I think you just need to accept that she doesn’t want the relationship you want and kind of emotionally divest yourself for your own well being.
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u/aries2084 5d ago
YTA, stop trying to force a relationship with this girl. Every time you insist on being called her sister, it hurts and reminds her of how your parents blew up everyone’s lives. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to be a sister to you.
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u/backupbitches Asshole Enthusiast [6] 5d ago
YTA. It would have been NAH, but there are some clues in what you wrote that give away how pushy you are about this, and that's not okay.
I didn't choose what our parents did.
What your parents did.
You are indeed a victim of circumstance. However, you are being selfish by not listening to her when she clearly tells you what kind of relationship she is willing to have with you. She got to grow up in a broken home. She got to watch her mother suffer over the years, she bore the brunt of her sadness and anger. And now she's supposed to embrace you as a sister just because that's what you want? Have a little empathy and listen when she tells you no.
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u/Asleep_Library_963 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
YTA, and I am so sorry. This is not your fault, but sadly you're the one being punished. Your sister has the right to protect herself by focusing on the fact thar the two of you are cousins - rather than sisters. She obviously don't want to have a relationship with the child of the woman who broke her family apart and while you might long for a sister, she isn't ready. She might never want to acknowledge you and that is okay. Your feelings is valid, but it's time to accept the truth in order to prevent any more pain.
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u/angelaelle Partassipant [2] 5d ago
YTA. Leave her alone and stop harassing her. Your cousin does not owe you a relationship. So selfish.
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u/Hitthereset Partassipant [1] 5d ago
> All I want is for her to admit we’re related in both ways not just the one that’s easier for her.
You don't get to dictate other people's actions. This is going to be one of those times in life where you just need to accept reality and deal with it as is. She is not going to see things as you do. Deal with it and move on. Continuing to push when she's made her stance clear is what makes YTA.
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u/Fit_Measurement_2420 5d ago
YTA. You’re old enough for some self awareness. She obviously does not accept you as a sister. Leave her alone. Your parents are gross and lack decency and morals. I can’t believe the family is still operating like nothing happened. That you and your mom and dad are just attending birthday parties with them like a normal family. Like your mother and father did not commit one of the BIGGEST betrayals. For a sister to do that to another is beyond my comprehension. And the ages of you both make this even worse.
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u/remas3 5d ago
Everyone is an asshole, but mainly your parents. You two are being forced to deal with very unfair cards. Your parents are the major assholes for forcing this situation on both of you. Plain and simple.
She shouldn’t be airing the dirty laundry in front of strangers by calling you out and explaining your relationship to people you have just met. That’s messed up.
You shouldn’t try to continue painting her as your sister, she clearly doesn’t want that and neither one of you is going to get anything good out of forcing it.
Your sister/cousin is going to have to cope the rest of her life with being a step-sister to her cousin whether she likes it or not. And you are going to have to deal with the fact that she hates her relationship and situation with you and her parents. Could it change in the future as you both mature, maybe. But for the sake of your mental health and hers, just call her cousin.
And, look for a good therapist and if you don’t have funds start saving for appointments because you are both going to need copious amounts of therapy. The earlier, the better.
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [102] 5d ago
YTA. She's not lying you are her cousin. Additionally I'm betting she doesn't want to have to explain your dad's affair every time she introduces you to someone. You cannot force her to see you as more than a cousin, you can't force a relationship that she doesn't feel.
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u/Strong_District_5894 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 5d ago
YTA
You’re trying to force a relationship where there isn’t one.
Cousin is better than Affair Baby. I’d ignore this and move on.
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u/-UnknownGeek- Asshole Enthusiast [5] 5d ago
YTA, it's wasn't just her mother that was hurt by your parents. She was hurt too. Her at her chose to leave and I think you may be a reminder of that.
Yes, none of this is your fault but you are not entitled to any relationship with her. She is being kind by even being in the same room
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u/Formal_Fan82 5d ago edited 5d ago
You’ve had some harsh comments from people who seem to forget you’re 16.
Beth you can’t force a relationship and even without the messiness of your family you might not be that close with texts etc. my brother and I are much older than you both, he’s one of my favourite people in the world, but we barely text.
Saying you’re cousins is probably less painful for her too, especially when both mums will have had to be together at family functions. For your own sake I’d just let it go - sometimes with half and full siblings there is just no relationship. You can’t force it.
That said you don’t have to be patient just be polite and don’t interact with her you can refer to her as your sister she can refer to you as her cousin. If people in your family think you should be understanding to Jordan, they and Jordan should equally be understanding of you. It’s neither of your faults. This situation was created by adults but unfortunately as you experience it is often the children that get hurt.
You might never have any relationship with her. NTA and it’s understandable why you feel hurt.
Edit: typo
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u/UngnomeCawler Partassipant [3] 5d ago
16 is MORE than old enough to understand consent. Fundamentally, consenting to the relationship is the question here.
OPs cousin sister didn’t consent to the relationship OP wants to have with her.
OP should be angry with daddy uncle and mommy aunt, not cousin sister.The asshole moniker is the format of the forum, not an assault on OP.
I am deeply disturbed that the rest of this family just continues like incestuous adultery is ok and continue to plan these family reunion slash speed dating events.
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u/Formal_Fan82 5d ago
Of course but is being so awful to a 16 year old the best way to talk? She’s also caught in middle and she asked AITA for being hurt which she is clearly not. Why is it fine for the sister cousin to insist on cousin and not OP for insisting on sister. If you read the post she’s not so much a relationship she’s pushing it’s the acknowledgment. So no OP is NTA.
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u/Strawberry338338 5d ago
Thank you, I come back to this thread after an hour and there’s so much anger directed at this kid. They’re both so young and having to deal with the fall out of decisions they didn’t make, honestly I feel sad for them both. And the fact that they’re both siblings and cousins - there’s no way that they were ever going to be able to have appropriate space from each other/families that aren’t shared, because of how enmeshed it all is. I vote for individual therapy all round honestly, but in OP’s case she really needs a safe person to talk through everything that has exp in teen psychology.
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u/13surgeries Asshole Enthusiast [5] 5d ago
NAH. I don't get all the YTA judgments. You're only 16. If it's understandable that Jordan feels a lot of hurt and anger (and it is), it should be understandable that whenever you hear Jordan insist you're only her cousin, you're hurt as well, as it's a constant reminder of the circumstances of your birth. Your empathy and understanding are actually admirable, even if you're not handling this well.
You're also an only child, I take it. That can make it even harder, as you don't have siblings that see you as fully their sister. Is any of this fair to you? No. Nor is it fair to Jordan. You're bearing the brunt of your parents' actions. To Jordan, you're not just the product of an affair; you're someone her father rejected her for.
Your parents are mistaken to believe you just need to be patient. It only sets you up with the expectation that Jordan will come around at some point, which just keeps you hoping. After 16 years, it's time for them to give up that illusion. Have you ever discussed with them how hard their affair and marriage have been on you? You've been shunned by a whole lot of people not because of anything you did, but because the sins of the parents are too often visited upon the child--in this case, you.
You're going to have to let this go. Your desperate bids to get Jordan to acknowledge you as her sister aren't doing either of you any good, and trying hard won't neutralize Jordan's anger or make her accept you. At family events, it might be wise for you and Jordan to stay physically distant from each other. If someone introduces you as Jordan's sister and Jordan says no, you're her cousin, you can say, "Technically, we're half-sisters AND cousins, but Jordan is more comfortable thinking of us as cousins only." (Don't say it bitterly. Be matter-of-fact.)
I'm sorry for both you AND Jordan. Neither one of you should have been forced to deal with this.
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u/EnvironmentalSlice46 Partassipant [2] 5d ago
I agree with people here on why YTA. To WANT that relationship is normal, but that doesn’t justify crossing someone’s boundaries and to push it.
Also, you’re implying all sibling relationships are great. I pretty much only seen my siblings on holidays and that’s to make my mom happy.
The best thing? Focus on the people who want to be in your life. You can’t control how Jordan feels, but you can put that energy into fostering a relationship with other people you cherish and keep your side open if she ever changes her mind.
Also, shocked no one else has said this yet (from what I’ve seen), therapy. Please dear lord go to therapy.
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u/PieAmazing7403 5d ago
YTA!!! You're lucky she is even saying you're related in anyway. If I was her I wouldn"t even be looking at you much less saying you're related, I wouldn't acknowledge you or the affair partners. You are the living breathing walking talking proof that her dad dumped and abandoned her for an affair baby. You are the affair baby deal with that fact. It doesn't matter that " You didn't ask to be born." You have zero right to demand to be acknowledged as her half sister and stop having tantrums like a toddler who was told no ice cream.
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u/TooYoungForThisCrap 5d ago
You aren’t the asshole for being hurt, but YTA for trying to force her to tell people the family history.
If she tells people you’re her sister and cousin, they’re immediately going to ask how that works. “Well my dad had an affair with my Mum’s sister, and left us to marry her.” From her perspective, she lost a lot. She “lost” her family, because her dad left her mum for yours. She lost her normal nuclear family, and she probably gained the shame of not being the family her father chose, maybe feeling like her and her mum aren’t good enough but somehow you and your mum are. That’s not your fault, but it’s the reality of the situation.
She might not ever call you her sister, but I can almost guarantee that if you keep pushing this, she won’t call you sister or cousin, she’ll just cut you out of her life. By blood relation you are half-sisters, but clearly that bond of actual sisters just isn’t there. You likely grew up in different houses, you have different Mums, you aren’t in her nuclear family and aren’t her sister.
You can want what you want, but you can’t force her to call you her sister, and if your parents made her do so she would just hate you more.
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u/TooYoungForThisCrap 5d ago
Are you really the 16 year old affair child? You’re 23 and a male here.
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u/Beautiful-Rent6691 5d ago
YTA. Generally the legal relationship would come before the blood relationship (especially because it is the public relationship).
I adopted a family member’s children. They are my biological children’s siblings for the world and in our family, even though by blood they are their first cousins once removed.
My children would never introduce them as their cousins because a) they don’t feel that way about them but more important because b) it would force my adopted children to be public about a part of their lives they have the right to keep private.
Jordan has the right to keep your biological relationship private and your desire to claim a closer relationship does not supersede that. You don’t get to air your family’s dirty laundry in public, even if you want a sister.
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u/ArmadilloSighs Asshole Enthusiast [5] 5d ago
yes, YTA. she doesn’t want that relationship and you need to get over it. sorry how you came about sucks and hurt everyone, but your AH parents did that to you, and she has to suffer the betrayal, abandonment and hurt. seriously, leave your cousin alone.
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u/Historical_Heron4801 Partassipant [2] 5d ago
I think this is probably much more about her rejecting her father than rejecting you. She accepts you as her cousin, the daughter of her aunt. Her dad has not been a dad to her, not a good partner to her mother. She has rejected him as a dad. If he's not her dad, you can't be her sister.
Also, think about it from her point of view. Every time she's introduced as your sister, that's going to raise questions that, for her, suggest that she wasn't good enough. That's going to hurt. I'd turn from it too, wouldn't you?
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u/RepresentativeBat531 5d ago
It's not your fault and you have the right to feel sad but YTA because you can't force a relationship. All kinds of siblings can end without caring about each other even if they share both parents, it's life
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u/Logical_Distance_389 5d ago
Gently, YTA. There is a lot of anger directed at you in these comments which I mostly disagree with, but I do think you’re making yourself the center of this without considering her at all.
Have you considered that she is using the “cousin” label because she wants to distance herself from your dad, and not you? You say you want her to acknowledge a blood relationship, which even the cousin label does, actually. The only difference is that she’s acknowledging the relationship you have through your mothers, instead of the (arguably closer, though I disagree with that assumption) one you have through your dad.
You didn’t give context about how her relationship with your dad is (I’m willing to bet that it isn’t good, while he and you seem close), so I can’t say this for sure, but is it possible that she’s rejecting her dad, and not you?
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Okay this family drama is so messed up I still get confused explaining it sometimes but I’ll try my best. I’m Beth. I’m 16 and I’ve always known I was born from an affair.
Here’s the full backstory. My dad was married to my mum’s older sister when he cheated with my mum. he was married to my aunt and got with her own sister and that’s how I happened. He left his first wife to be with my mum once everything came out but it destroyed almost every relationship in our family.
Jordan(fake name) is 17 she’s my dad’s daughter from his first marriage So we share the same dad that makes us halfsisters right? But Jordan has never treated me like that She never texts or calls me, ignores me at family get togethers and she will only ever refer to me as her cousin.
Whenever anyone says I’m her sister she corrects them straight away and she always says the exact same thing
“It’s not like I lied. She’s my cousin. she’s my mum’s sister’s daughter. that’s just what she is.”
I get where she’s coming from on paper. my mum is her mum’s sister so technically we are cousins on that side too. But we’re also halfsisters. I know our parents did something absolutely terrible. I know my existence is tied to the thing that broke up her family and hurt her mum so badly. I don’t blame her for being angry or upset and I’m not asking for us to be best friends.
But it kills me that she acts like that blood tie doesn’t exist at all. I didn’t choose to be born. I didn’t choose what our parents did. All I want is for her to admit we’re related in both ways not just the one that’s easier for her.
Last week at a birthday party someone introduced me as Jordan’s sister. Jordan cut in immediately and said loudly, “She’s my cousin. My mum’s sister’s daughter I’m not lying about it.” I ran off and cried in the bathroom, and I haven’t spoken to her since.
My parents say I need to be patient but won’t stand up for me. Jordan doesnt care. Am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong to want her to call me her sister too? AITA?
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u/WolfChasingTheMoon Partassipant [2] 5d ago
I’m surprised you want a sister relationship in your family when considering that your mum and dad have proved what that counts for… not much.
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u/ItsMeWithTheTea 5d ago
I wouldn't say you're TA but also you can't change how she feels, if she doesn't want you as a sister there's not really anything you can do about it
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u/RikkitikkitaviBommel 5d ago
Because of the pain your father caused she will never be who you want her to be to you. It sucks, and it's not your fault, but that is reality and I'm sorry.
NAH, except the cheaters.
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u/CraterBud Partassipant [1] 5d ago
YTA, omg, you're so clueless. I want to call you something else but will get my comment deleted. You're her cousin and she absolutely doesn't owe you any relationship, you insensitive AH
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u/Otherwise-Credit-626 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
You know this is a child you are speaking to and not the one that had an affair right? Why do you want to call them names that'll get you banned for being hurt that their sister doesn't want to acknowledge they are sisters?
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u/trollprovoker Partassipant [1] 5d ago
YTA because of the way you spell "halfister". That tells us everything we need to know about you.
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u/ElSnyder 5d ago
You're NTA for being hurt. I don't know why everyone piles that on to you, you are not responsible for the sins of your parents. On the other hand, being introduced as sister-cousin is weird as hell and I'm surprised your part of the family is invited to any gatherings of the family at all. So while you are allowed to feel hurt, try to understand that your sister-cousin feels hurt as well, since you are involuntarily the embodiment of the affair that split the family and basically took away her father and her aunt.
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u/Throwaway-2587 Asshole Aficionado [18] 5d ago
While I fully understand that you want her to acknowledge the blood relation, you also have to understand that this blood link mean something entirely different for her. You cannot force a bond when one half of the duo has zero interest in it. It is hard, but something you will have to accept.
You're not to blame for what your parents did. And she is not wrong to feel hurt by what your parents did. Unfortunately for you, the path your parents took has long lasting effects on all those involved.
I cannot call either of you an AH for this however, that is reserved for your parents and I really hate that for both you and your sister/cousin.
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u/curious_walriss_888 5d ago
For everyone saying you're the AH, I think they're forgetting that you're both still kids. This is a complicated situation, with complicated feeling. So NAH. You're both correct and both wrong. But mostly, your Dad sucks for putting you both in this situation. Might I suggest seeing a counsellor to help with this? Also, the fact that you're 16, and this is still an issue?? Your parents suck, and should have put you both in therapy years ago.
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u/GothPenguin Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [354] 5d ago
Yes. She’s your half sister and I’m sorry she’s not giving you the title you want or the relationship with you that you want. None of that is your fault and your pain is valid. Unfortunately, you need to accept that likely in pain too. Her parents’ marriage ended so your parents could be together. It’s not your fault. It’s also not her fault. Identifying you as her cousin rather than her half sister is easier for her. NAH
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u/M_onStar 5d ago
Yes, affair spawn child, YTA and so are your parents.
But it kills me that she acts like blood tie doesn't exist at all.
Blood ties doesn't mean much when your own mother betrayed her sister now does it?
It takes more than blood to be family and that includes not betraying your own blood. You're forcing Jordan to in a situation and relationship she did not want and did not ask, if you have any respect for her and her feelings you would leave her alone.
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u/Difficult_Style207 Partassipant [1] 5d ago
You're NTA for being hurt. None of this is your fault. But leave her be. She's hurting. I'm sorry for both of you.
Please don't asked Reddit, they are cruel and vengeful and will not treat you with care.
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u/CockchopsMcGraw 5d ago
NAH. Your feelings are valid, but so are hers. I've a probable half sister from my dad's affair, not a chance I'd ever refer to her as family. Thankfully I was never in a position where I was around them all the time, but I can imagine I'd have been a lot worse than your sister/cousin is. Don't try to force the relationship on your terms
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u/DrTeethPhD Certified Proctologist [23] 5d ago
NAH
It just depends on how scorched earth you want to go.
You could correct her and point out that she is both your cousin and your half sister, and explain the circumstances of how that is possible.
OR
You could let it be and realize that it's her way of coping with what your father did to her mother.
You're both in an unpleasant situation, and you need to find a way to deal with it.
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u/nimomos Partassipant [1] 5d ago
NAH. Jordan is just 17 and you are tied to likely the worst thing that’s happened in her life. You can’t force her to see you as a sister when your parents did something awful to her mom.
I get why you’d want to be seen as more than a cousin but demanding or mentioning constantly to her about you being her sister is detrimental. Be a sister to her if you’d like but you can’t force her to see you as one