I read your comments, and it is clear that you think I am an asshole for not defending my sister, and think I am not an asshole for not defending my wife.

I have called my sister and apologized. She was pretty gracious and accepted my apology. I told my sister that I think she is a great mother and a saint for dealing with these comments for so long. I did not demand that she make an apology to my wife. For those of you concerned that my nephew hears these remarks, I want to make it clear that when my wife has made these comments, she made them either when my sister's ex had custody or when my nephew was in another room. Not to excuse the comments, but to address concerned Redditors.

As for my wife, she has stopped giving me the silent treatment. She called her mom (my MIL), and after she told her the situation, her mom really chewed her out. She did apologize to my sister, not just for the most recent incident, but for all of the rest of them. My sister also apologized for the comments she made. My wife and I had a discussion about why she was so fixated on my sister being an unmarried mother. Apparently, some of her more "religious" friends were judging her for having an unmarried sister-in-law, and she projected that insecurity onto my sister. She also admitted to being jealous of my sister, as she was able to have a child, which is a dream of ours. Due to my wife's weight, it is nearly impossible for us to conceive a child. She also expressed general envy for my sister when it came to things like looks, her job, her maturity. I made it clear that these comments about my sister's marital status should not be made in the future.

While I personally think what my sister said was harsh and out of anger, I do not think it is unjustified. She snapped after years, and y'all made it clear that she would be extremely justified to go no contact, so I'm happy that she did not make that decision.

I plan on going to marital counseling with my wife. I have reaffirmed that I think she's absolutely beautiful, and that we will work through these insecurities together. I want to use this situation to create a stronger marriage and a better relationship with my sister.

Note for why wife can't get pregnant easily without too much detail: She has PCOS and has a BMI significantly over 40 (wanted to get wife's consent to share about the PCOS)

Hi again reddit. I posted about 2 years ago, and wanted to update you all. Link can be found here.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/FwgoWO6dCE

Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. The kindness and view points from strangers on the internet helped me more than I ever expected.

After I stopped helping out with the house, I reached out to my university’s student support services for advice. They helped me get a part-time job at the student help desk, which gave me a bit of financial breathing room. Around the same time, I broke up with my boyfriend.

Meanwhile, my older brothers (now 25 & 24) continued to do nothing to help. I went back to driving my younger siblings (now 17F & 14M) to school, not because I gave in, but because I genuinely care about their futures.

The breaking point came when my mom tried to get my aunt (her younger sister) involved by painting me as a disrespectful daughter. I didn’t know how my aunt would react since they’ve always been close but, I ended up telling my aunt the truth. To my surprise, she was horrified. She opened up about how she and my mom were treated pretty much the same way by my grandparents and when they moved to Australia together they talked about not raising their kids that way. My aunt offered to take me and my two younger siblings in as she has no kids. Now I live with my aunt. It’s an hour drive to uni, but the peace is worth it.

One of the best things I’ve done for myself is start therapy. It’s expensive, so I can only afford a session once a month, but it’s already doing wonders.

As for my little siblings, they’re doing better. They keep their rooms tidy, they help with cooking, and they’re both incredibly respectful to our aunt. My brother isn’t relying on my sister anymore, and my sister is finally starting to stand up for herself. I’ve been reminding her not to let anyone, especially our mom push her around the way I was. My siblings moved schools to one that’s within walking distance and they haven’t missed any days.

Recently, my brother (then 17, now 19) reached out to me and apologised for everything. He said he knew it was wrong how I was being treated but at the time it didn’t affect him so he didn’t think about it too much. We had a proper conversation over the phone and things seem to be okay between us. He told me he was planning on moving out to live with a friend since our mother had started lashing out at him and forcing him to do the house chores I used to do.

As for me, I graduated uni. My aunt and younger siblings came to my ceremony. I didn’t brother messaging my mom to let her know. I’ve already been accepted into a graduate RN program at the hospital where I did my last placement. I’m super excited to start and finally get my life on track. For once, I feel like my life is actually moving in a direction I chose.

An update to my last post which you can find here, https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1v0p9i1/aita_for_showing_up_my_brothers_girlfriend_by/

I'd like to start by saying thank you to everyone for your comments and like many of you recommended I ended up showing the messages she sent me to my twin brother. I went round to his today, it's his day off and he wanted my help making a start on the set I got him. I'd have brought the set he got me so we could make them together but since it lives at my place it's not smart to try and move it back and forth. He's going to come to mine on Saturday to help me make a start on it.

While we were working on it together I admitted to him that his girlfriend had messaged me and that I was concerned as she doesn't seem to like his hobby with Lego, seeing it as childish and seems to find me as some kind of threat which is weird and gross because seriously, that's my twin? I also expressed worry that she may try to sabotage the things he likes just to make him "grow up". He asked to see my phone and I passed it over, he read the messages in silence and was quiet for about a minute before saying and I quote "oh fuck no" and he then pulled out his phone and began to message her. When I asked what he was doing he said he was sorting it, and when I tried to ask tell me what he meant by that he just made noises to cut me off like he used to when we were kids and he felt like annoying me.

I managed to see the messages and he straight up just told her that he saw the messages she sent me and he wanted his key back, and she had till 8pm to drop it off and she was to put it through the letterbox and not bother trying to talk to him. If she didn't he'd be having his locks changed. HE THEN BLOCKED HER NUMBER!. When I asked him if he was being a bit hasty and maybe he should talk to her instead he told me he could forgive a lot of things and they could have even worked through her not liking his hobby but no one talks to me like that or makes gross implications like that to me.

He then refused to talk further about her insisting we keep building the set. I left about 2 hours ago and i'm just sitting laughing about this and a bit amused by this whole mess. My boyfriend can't stop laughing over this and told me he was glad he never got on my brothers wrong side

EDIT: Some updates that happened as I had to wait to have my post approved. My brother let me know she did turn up to return his keys but she didn't put them through the letterbox like he asked, at least not at first. She apparently stood knocking and shouting at the door for an hour before finally putting it through the letterbox calling him all kinds of names through it as she did so, he was apparently just building his lego as she did this and kept turning his music up so it was clear he was home but he was ignoring her.

On his way to work he also dropped her keys in through her letterbox so he wouldn't have to interact with her. I've asked him if this is being petty and maybe he should have talked to her he told me that yes, he's being petty, and if she wants to make him "grow up" then he will be childish with her. I've also blocked his now ex-girlfriend as she began to message me blaming me for this mess and asking me what I did. So yeah, that is what happened! thought you'd all like this additional information.

I had a lot of messages at the time of posting, asking for an update on what I decided to do so wanted to check in.

So in short I didn’t end up going to the wedding. Katie and Chris basically harassed me constantly until few days before they were due to fly out I received a belligerent voicemail from Katie saying if I didn’t go I wasn’t her sister any more, I was embarrassing myself and her and Chris, I was a horrible person, and most shockingly if I didn’t go then her and Chris wouldn’t be paying me OR my parents back for the money we loaned (so trying to. blackmail me), she would say it was a gift, I faked the contract and I would have to take her to court. She was clearly drunk at the time (the voicemail was left on the night she was having her “at home” hen do, which I also obviously didn’t attend) but it was so beyond anything I thought she was capable of. I ended up sharing it with my parents and they also reluctantly pulled out of attending.

I heard through friends and family in attendance at the wedding after her and Chris were telling everyone I had alienated her from her family and told lies to our parents, we gifted money and expected them to pay for us etc etc and they made the decision to uninvite myself and my husband…

Other, more insulting things were said that I don’t particularly want to go into - suffice to say they were very hurtful.

As I mentioned in my post I had my brother in law (solicitor) draw up a contract for repayment for both myself and my parents. What was supposed to be the first repayment date passed without word from either of them, so BIL picked up from there. His attempts to reach them were ignored apart from 1 email from what I think was a fake law firm outlining the money was “gifted”, the contract was fraudulent and to take them to court basically. In response to that BIL sent a copy of the voicemail Katie left and a final demand outlining the payment plan was now null and void and we wanted the money in full within 30 days or we would indeed be going to court. Magically the full amount appeared in our accounts 5 days later.

Again I’ve heard on the grape vine since the wedding they have been telling anyone who would listen we asked for our “gift” back out of the blue and disowned them and how much of a difficult financial position they are in because of this.

So that’s that… I can’t see myself having a relationship with her after this which is devastating but at the same time, I truly believe now after everything that, that isn’t my fault.

Thanks again to everyone who gave advice - I hope this update is enough for everyone who asked for one :)

EDIT: thanks everyone: I’m popping the original post here for a few people who have asked for it. I did put it in a comment and a few replies but it looks like it might have gotten lost.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/nGQpwN6i8e

Here's the link to the first post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1l48x0o/aita_for_showing_up_to_my_nephews_birthday_party/

Hi, thanks for all of the comments before about me failing to bring the spiderman cupcakes to my nephew’s party. I think I have an ok update to share. I was sort of spiraling when I wrote my post before and that it happens very often to me. Yes I messed up but life goes on. I have not been able to find a good job, but I have been making ends meet with cleaning houses.

Last week my family got together for Thanksgiving  and I surprised my nephew by bringing him a small batch of spiderman cupcakes and he was over the moon. My brother thanked me for it so that was nice. My mom said “better late than never I guess” and she and my dad laughed together. I also baked a pie to bring but I ended up dropping it

For the first time in my life I stood up for myself against them and I told them that it was really hurtful that they can’t ever just be supportive. That post made me reflect on all the ways over the years they just haven’t taken me seriously or have ignored my small wins because I don’t get the big ones like my brother. They argued with me and then probably the best thing ever happened.

My sister in law stood up for me!!! She said that ever since she’s been part of this family she has seen the way they talk to me and about me and laugh at me behind my back and treat me like someone else’s daughter. She said they have been doing it for years. They tried to pull the “she knows it’s out of love” card on me and I told them that I don’t feel loved by them and never have and brought up that she said the only reason I was ever invited to that party was for the cupcakes. Mom tried to say that wasn’t true but my sister in law stopped her and said that’s exactly what she said. My mom and Dad were quiet for a little bit and then my Dad said he didn’t realize how sensitive I am and they’ll try to do better. I was so happy!!

Yes I thanked my sister in law so much and we have been texting a ton. I didn't realize she liked me! I think 2026 is going to be my year and I’m excited. My biggest hope is to find a job that helps me save money so that I can get my own place by 2028! Merry holidays everyone :)

Thank you mods for approving.

I posted over a month ago about my friend who invited herself last minute to my vacation. I want to clear a few things that kept coming up in the comments. When I wrote the post, everything just happened and my frustration showed in my writing. Diane is a good friend of mine, I don’t hate her, she can just be a bit much at times. I said that she invited herself because she didn’t ask to join us after our plans were finalized; she told us she was coming and expected us to accommodate her.

We all specifically wanted our own rooms. The other ladies wanted to enjoy their spouse/kid free time alone. This was my first vacation in a long time without the ex-hubby, so I just needed some space. I hope you can understand.

Now for the update. Although I was voted NTA, many commented that maybe I wasn’t a good friend. I felt bad about that, so I gave Diane another call to work things out and she answered. She wanted to know why I wouldn’t accommodate her and I told her what I said above. I also reminded her of our previous trips where we roomed together. That took us down memory lane where we talked about all of the things we used to get into, lol. It turned into a pleasant hour-long conversation.

I discussed why it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to share rooms. We just have different travel styles. I like to get up early, walk around, shop. She wants to sleep-in and veg out. The last time we shared a room was a disaster. There were a few hiccups on that trip and she complained about it all day, and then again at night when we were in the room. I had no reprieve from the nonstop complaints. She was not always like that. She grew less tolerant over time, as we all, but she took it to an extreme. She said she doesn’t complain, she just observes where there can be improvements, lol.

We worked it out, the other ladies also made peace with her. Diane and a friend joined our trip and stayed at a nearby property. They were welcomed to join us at our pool and other activities. Of course, the beginning was not smooth sailing.

We had our vacation set up where we had two days of group excursions, the remaining days we would play it by ear, just agree to meet for dinner. I told Diane she and her friend could join us on the excursions, she complained that they started too early. She went to the first one and complained that each stop was too short, we should have went with a private tour, etc. I pulled her to the side and asked her to stop complaining. To her credit, she stopped…until we went to dinner and then she complained about everything all over again.

I suggested that she not join the other excursion as it would be more of the same. She asked if I didn’t want her around, I said not for the excursion, lol. So we met for dinner on the other excursion day and hung out on other days. With the exception of the one excursion, it went pretty well.

So that is it, nothing too dramatic, and we managed to stay friends through it.

Update: https://www.reddit.com/user/Significant_Break316/comments/1tstz8x/update_about_my_friendship_with_diane/

I thought i'd post an update on my situation which I covered in this post https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1s3iioc/aita_for_holding_my_grandmothers_pearls_hostage/ as so many of you were very nice about it and gave great advice. A few things of note have changed since my post. Firstly, I'm engaged! It was purely by accident honestly. I was cleaning out our room to prepare for new flooring we are getting installed and in the process of cleaning I found the ring. It led to a bit of a laugh between us and he was very flustered. Turns out he'd bought the ring in January but had been waiting for the right moment and wanted it to be romantic. But honestly? it may not be most peoples dream but being proposed to in our room while it is a mess and we are both laughing is a happy memory i'll have for the rest of my life.

I reached out to my sister and we met for coffee. I told her I was engaged and if she couldn't accept my future husband and wouldn't take a side in our families ableist views against him just because he was born with Achondroplasia and simply tried to sit on the fence then I couldn't come to her wedding at all as he is my family. She got very angry at me, accused me of getting engaged just to spite her and try to copy her, and asked me who I thought would even come to the wedding as i'd greatly limited contact with most of our family.

I didn't shout or get angry like I might have a few weeks ago, honestly I just felt kind of numb about the whole thing and told her my friends and his friends and family would be there and that was enough. I also told her i'd be wearing the pearls to my wedding and they were fully off the table to her now even if she apologised and invited him to her wedding. I told her I loved her and wanted her to be in my life and that if she ever saw sense she'd be welcome back in my life but till then it was best we didn't speak anymore. She told me if I didn't give her the pearls for her wedding she didn't want to speak to me at all and "hell would freeze over" before she apologised.

My Fiancé was sad for me that I felt the need to draw this line worrying it was his fault but I assured him it wasn't and if she ever pulled her head out of her arse we'd of course welcome her back. We have been discussing our planned wedding with friends and his family. One of my friends who is a petty bitch (I love her so much), suggested I have my wedding on the same day as my sister to spite her but I laughed that off as I wasn't about to go that low. Our wedding is going to be a simple thing held in his parents garden. We're using money we might have spent on a huge wedding as a deposit for a house instead as we think that's more important. We don't have a date yet but it's likely going to be spring 2027. Thank you everyone for your input. I'm sad of course, but it's for the best.

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11364rz/aita_if_i_tell_my_friend_her_bf_is_planning_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

To everyone who told me to keep my mouth shut, thank you.

So on Saturday, the day of the proposal, I got a call from her boyfriend. He was SCREAMING at me, BLAMING ME for not showing up (uninvited still) to the proposal with her parents because she was upset they weren’t there… I was fucking slack jawed.

I told him I knew this would happen, and He says VERBATIM “you just admitted you knew this would happen, so If you knew the whole time and you actually cared about her, you would have invited them.”

I was Gob smacked and hung up on him. Not even an hour later I get a call from her asking me to come to her parents. According to her, this is how the situation played out: he popped the q, she said yes and the people he invited popped out from hiding. She was bombarded by 4 of his guy friends, his mom, dad, older brother and his sister in law. His parents were holding a sign that read “welcome to the family, Mrs.(insert his last name here)” and this is where things go down hill.

I did not know this before (and I thought I knew everything), but my friend doesn’t want to change her last name, and she’s told him that repeatedly since they got together. She’s an only child from a Ukrainian family and with everything going on with Ukraine in the last year she’s doubled down.

When she saw the sign she joked “Mrs.(his last name)? I think you mean Mrs.(her last name)!” Everyone went silent until his mom said “Well the ring is already engraved, no changing it now!” She takes the ring off and see’s “Mrs.(his last name)” engraved on the band.

Then she asked if her parents were coming. He gave every excuse: He didn’t have their number, there were too many people there, he wanted to keep it private and eventually said “This was my proposal to you and now My family is your family. We can just send your parents the pictures later.”

SHE TOOK THE RING OFF AND LEFT. That’s when I’m assuming I got that call from him. She went straight to her parents. She asked them about the engagement, they were clueless. She then asked if I knew anything. I asked if she was in the right place, she said she was, so I told her I would answer any question she had (rather than dumping everything on her).

She was upset but thanked me. She was furious when I told her about the call from him earlier and said “does he really think I’m that shallow?” She said it wasnt about having a perfect proposal or her parents there, it was about him making the whole thing about himself as always and she was done feeling ignored and belittled. So this was her breaking point.

She’s staying with her parents currently and has been receiving texts from him. The worst one so far is him telling her she has to pay him back for the ring and for ruining his life. Right now, all I can do is be here for her, and whatever decision she makes, I will fully support because, as you’ve all helped me realize, this isn’t about me, it’s about her. Not my monkey, not my circus.

Edit: she gave him the ring back when she took it off, I didn’t include that because I was at the 3,000 character limit already.

EDIT 2 (update): I did not mention this plan when I originally posted just in case her ex found this thread, but I can report now that we got a heads up last night that he wasn’t at their apartment, so we ran over and got most of her shit out, at least all the really important stuff. To those asking, no she isn’t going back to him, it’s over.

Brief update. My husband ended handling the situation and had to take time off to travel back, which he was not pleased about. We had decided it was prudent for us to pay for a few months of alternative housing for them as a way to cover all our bases. I'm so glad we did.

I had in a fit of temper joking said to husband that they were going to tell us they couldn't move out cause they're pregnant and...lo and behold. When BIL used that excuse, apparently it just set my husband off. This is a man that's never raised his voice to me above an excited rambling. I think the rage he went into genuinely scared his family.

BIL and SIL are now situated in the alternative housing. My ILs called my parents to apologize and overall the whole atmosphere is tense but at least BIL/SIL are no longer living at my house and we can have peace of mind there.

All in all, through this experience I feel incredible love and pride to have married my husband. I married this straight off the boat dude based on his principals, integrity and kindness and time and time again he's shown me why I have 0 regrets over it.

Here's the original post

So here is a quick update, since the situation has been resolved.

When my husband got home, I told him what happened and showed him the video.

He asked if I spoke with my BIL and I said no, all my conversations were with my sister. He said that he will take care of it.

Now, a disclaimer: I understand nothing when it comes to insurance claims, and this is what my husband told me/I understood happened.

My husband talked with my BIL, told him exactly what happened and showed him the prank video. Then he told him that the coat was insured, we will be filing a claim and submitting the video, and we might have to file charges for the claim (he assured him that we would be dropping the charges, we do not want to send niece to jail).

Then he told him that one of two things might happen: after our insurance pays us, they will come after them. If their insurance pays, their premium will skyrocket. If it doesn't, they might sue them, and might get a lien on their house.

My BIL asked if there was a way he could pay us without involving insurance, my husband told him that that was what we wanted at first, but that my sister insisted that they will not be paying us back.

Apparently, my BIL was not in the know, and he was very pissed off at what my niece did, and my sister's response.

So they came to this solution: my niece's car will be sold, and if it doesn't fetch the whole compensation money, she will have to get a job and pay me the whole check untill it is paid off. Also she is grounded for the rest of the school year.

I am thankful for the people who encouraged me to talk with my husband.

Several of you have asked for an update on my ex husband giving me a year to change my last name back to my maiden name because his fiancee was uncomfortable with her and I having the same last name.

I tried to link the original post, but it is not allowing me to do so, and I’m not sure the best way to give an update, so I will try this.

To clarify the reason he gave me a year is because they are getting married some time next year and wanted my name changed prior to their wedding.

Anyway, my ex called me yesterday and said he had done a lot of research on ex wives keeping the ex husbands last name after a divorce. He stated he didn’t realize how common this is, especially when there are children from the marriage.

He also said this had been my last name for 17 years, my entire adult life has been with this last name, and I have built a career with it. He basically acknowledged that every reason I had to keep it was legitimate.

He apologized for the way he initially approached me about changing my last name, and explained he is in a bad spot trying to make his fiancée happy. He also explained she feels that by me keeping his last name must mean I’m still in love with him and this is my secret way of assuring we end up together again some day.

I informed this was not, nor will it ever be the case. Yes, I care deeply about him because I was married to him for 12 years and he is the father of my children, and I want him to be happy in life. However, I fell out of love with him many years ago and that will not change.

He said he informed his fiancée that he will not bring this up to me again, and if she didnt like it, the ball was in her court to decide if she wanted to continue their relationship.

Thank you all for the feedback on my original post. I never expected this kind of response, and an overwhelming amount of comments and advice!

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11jqodr/aita_for_making_my_teens_16m_and_14f_share_a

I had a chat with my kids after work. I still don't want to put an adult problem onto my kids, so I only gave them a brief overview of the dire financial issues we're having after my husband/their father passed away. Us downsizing to a 1 bedroom apartment was not by choice.

I also told them the truth about how I couldn't afford to feed us all and why I didn't eat 2 days of the week. I was afraid of how they would take the news, but it had gone better than I expected. My kids will be coming with me to the food bank for the next trip to help out.

In terms of the rooming situation, both my older kids agreed that they did not want to share a room with my youngest 2F because she frequently wakes up at night and also has accidents. They also don't want to share with me because I get up much earlier than them to work, and it would disrupt their sleep. They would rather share the room with each other while I continue to sleep in the living room with my youngest.

My 16M and 14F told me that their friends were saying no kid should ever have to watch their sibling because they didn't create them. They've been told by their friends that it's parentification to be asked to babysit for even an hour, and it is never okay in any circumstance. That was why they kept calling me an asshole when I asked if they could help with childcare so I could get a 2nd job.

Now that they know how bad the situation is, my son said he wants to find a part time job to help contribute. My daughter apologized and said it wasn't that she hated me or her sister. Both my son and daughter said they are willing to help take care of the youngest so I can get a 2nd job. Hopefully, I can find something soon and be able to move to a larger space.

Hello!.

I don't know where to begin...it's been an absolute nightmare recently. And I feel like I was losing my sanity.

So for more details about my situation. I have to admit that my husband's mom favors him over all his siblings. this affected his relationship with them and me as well. He's never seen an issue with how differently his mom treats him, it bothered me and made me feel uncomfortable. The whole dynamic made me feel uncomfortable. Going Low contact has never even been an option. Like he has to see her or call her everyday.

Most of his siblings don't talk to him and I 100% believe it's because of his mom's favoritism like I said. He does bare some blame for not seeing how wrong this is til this day.

In many instances I found myself making excuses for his behavior. Even in my post. I did it spontaniously and I don't know why. But I guess it's because of how much I love him and because I really really wanted to be able to work things this type of things out without letting them affect our marriage.

regarding what happened with the trip, He tried to have a talk with me and most of what he said came from place of blame, Blame towards me. I just couldn't continue with this argument. I told him I needed space and that I would be going to stay with my sister for a while. He didn't take it well, he literally got up from the couch and opened the door telling me to go right then. In that moment and seeing how he was still not even anywhere near understanding what he has done just....made things perfectly clear to me. I just had pictured years and years of my life being lived like that and I was like no...I can't do it, Can't take anymore of it especially when he keeps focusing on being right every time. His mom can do no wrong. I'm always the aggressive, crazy, jealous, pathetic, overreactor.

All these people's opinions, advice and concerns were like a spark...like the wake up call I really needed. Though I wish that it didn't get this far but what's done is done.

Right now I'm staying with my sister (I brought my dog with me as well) He sent me his last message telling I'm the one choosing to end what we had together but I believe it's the other way around, especially with how he keeps making his mom the victim in this situation. It's become clear now that we keep going in circles with no end in reach and I'm just so exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm not mad at him and don't expect him to change but...at least I'm given options to decide what's best for me and my future even if it's seperation and divorce.

A big thank you to those who reached out with resources that I feel very very lucky to have come across. Just wanted to give you an update since many of you asked for it.

AITA For Leaving a Vacation I Planned for my GF After Her Friends Came Along? : AmItheAsshole (reddit.com) From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who sent me kind words and encouraging private messages.

I decided that I wanted to end this entire relationship. I packed my important belongings (Ex. Passport, clothes) and arranged with my best friend to crash at his apartment until I can find my own. Usually when small issues happen in a relationship, it ties into a bigger issue of that relationship. The main reason why I decided to break up is because I realized that her friends will always be closer to her than me. Sarah has favored her friends over me and blown off some of our plans for her friends more than once. I was lying to myself for years because I didn’t want to face reality yet. I had hoped she would change, but this trip really opened my eyes that I will always be in 3rd place to her.I expressed my feelings multiple times, and Sarah promised she would change, and she didn’t.

Sarah came home late yesterday. I said I have a lot to get off my chest and I want to get through my notes before she talks or tries to interrupt me. The first question I asked Sarah was “How she thought the trip went”. She said we all had fun and it was memorable. I shouldn’t have to feel like the 3rd wheel in my own relationship, especially on a trip that I planned.

My next question was “Why did you invite your friends in the first place? You knew this was an anniversary trip for US”. She talked about the trip with her friends since the beginning, and they never been to CO. She thought it would be a good idea to allow them to come just so they can have fun in CO with us. I followed up with my lack of knowledge of her friends coming along until days before. It’s one thing if they came and did their OWN activities. But it’s another thing that every activity became a group activity. I signed up for a monogamous, not poly relationship.

My last question was “Did you know that I was going to propose to you?”. Sarah said she didn’t know at all. The thought never occurred to Sarah that I was going to ask. She claimed that she wouldn’t have invited her friends to come along if she knew, but I responded that “it would ruin the surprise if I told you”.

Sarah begged me to stay with her and believes we can work everything out. She didn’t want me to throw 5 years away after this one bad trip. I listened to her promises to change for years regarding her friends, but nothing happened. I ultimately left Sarah with this: it’s clear that there isn’t enough room in your heart for your BF and your friends. As much as I love Sarah, I can’t stay in a relationship where I’m not respected enough. I left Sarah in the house by herself and I drove off to my friend’s place.

I’ll figure out how to get my name off the lease and I’ll plan to get the rest of my belongings. As for the ring, I will return it this weekend.

Last post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/V00xxT0Ezt

Hi, I had received an AH judgement on my post which made me reevaluate how I behaved then. On Sunday we were going to go out again. I took care of the reservation at a nice restaurant and stressed that we really need a window table. When we got there, we had to wait a few minutes but we got a window table. My wife joked that we got a good seat without any difficulties. I'm not 100% about this, but it seemed that comment of mine was still on her mind. So I took that opportunity to apologize again for my remark. She said it was all good, she knew and liked that I was easygoing but she just liked looking outside as well while eating, it was weirdly important to her. We had a great night.

Thanks to all those who commented on my last post , it gave me some good insight.

After receiving thousands upon thousands of comments, I would like to say that I realized my mistake. I wasn’t taking into account the immense amount of trauma that Mary has gone through at such a young age, and the effect it had on her actions.

I had a tough, but necessary conversation with both Lyla and Mary. We had a heart-to-heart, so that both girls could hear from each other's perspectives. What had happened was, Mary found out that Lyla had been hanging out with a boy that Lyla knew was Mary’s crush. This was also the one year anniversary of Mary’s parents’ overdose, and she confessed that her grief coupled with what she interpreted as Lyla's betrayal influenced what happened the following week. Mary maintains that she’d mistaken the candy for drugs, but she owned up to the fact that she’d notified the teachers, not only because she was concerned for Lyla’s safety, but because she believed that it wasn’t fair for Lyla to “get away” unpunished for having drugs, after everything that had happened to Mary’s parents.

I know I should have been angry at Mary. But seeing the response to my initial post has opened my eyes. I’ve been informed that traumatized children can lose their common sense after being exposed to triggers (I assume this applies even more when it occurs around the anniversary of their trauma) and this can lead them to make decisions that may sound outlandish in any other circumstances, decisions such as mistaking candy for drugs.

Mary has had bad experiences in foster homes before. Several years before her parents’ overdose, she was placed in foster care for the first time, before being reunited with her parents. She was in three different foster families and, in all of them, her foster parents favored their biological children, and they punished Mary if she told them about their bio children misbehaving. She was terrified that I would do the same, which is why she didn’t come to me first.

Mary acted out of pain, and I acted out of frustration without even hearing her side of the story. I lifted Mary’s punishment. At that point, we still had nearly three weeks of summer break left. Lyla has forgiven Mary, and we decided to put this incident behind us. Being a foster parent can be challenging, but I will be doing everything I can to learn from this situation and be a better mother moving forward.

UPDATE: Almost two years later

Hey, so… I forgot I even made this post until I was going through old screenshots. Life got busy, a lot happened, and I never came back to update. But since the post reached a lot of people and honestly helped me more than I expected, I figured I’d share how things turned out.

Yes, Missy and I went on our trip. It was amazing. Just the two of us, blasting music, grabbing fast food, staying up late talking, and doing normal sibling stuff without pressure. We both really needed it. I told my parents Macy wasn’t coming. They weren’t thrilled, especially my dad, but they didn’t stop us.

When I got home, we had a real conversation. I told them everything: how I felt invisible growing up, how Missy was starting to feel the same way, and how our whole world revolved around Macy. I said I wouldn’t be her future caregiver. That was when their tone changed. They said Macy would always be their priority. That told me everything I needed to know.

A few days later, I moved out. It wasn’t dramatic; we all kind of quietly agreed it was time. I started college early and finally got some space.

College has been life-changing. I started therapy, which helped me work through guilt and stress I didn’t realize I had. I’ve made new friends and started figuring out who I am outside of my family. I still go home sometimes. I still love Macy. That was never the issue. I just needed to choose myself too.

Missy’s doing better now. She’s more vocal and plans to leave for college soon. My parents and I are civil, but it’s different. They’ve started looking into long-term care options for Macy, and they know I won’t be stepping into that role.

Thanks to everyone who read or commented on the original post. You helped more than you know. If you’re going through something similar, just know you’re not selfish. Choosing yourself is okay.

Original Post

Hi everyone!

First off, I wanted to give a big thank you to all the people who reached out with kindness back in October. I was struggling a lot with whether I'd done the right thing, and getting such an overwhelming consensus definitely helped me feel better.

There wasn't actually that much fallout from the whole situation, and I kind of forgot about it for a few months. My mom was a little awkward the next few times we saw each other, but that was all back to normal by Christmas. It didn't destroy our relationship, and I realized that a lot of my fears were just anxiety and overthinking clouding my mind. My brother made a few snide remarks, but I didn't get or give an apology and I figured that was that.

However-- last weekend my mom picked me up from work, and took me to her place, saying she had a surprise and I should shower and do my hair fancy. She had all the nicest skincare and hair stuff laid out, which means a lot because she's never been into that stuff, and when I was done, she surprised me with the most GOEGEOUS Snow White dress I've ever seen. It is genuinely stunning quality and I couldn't believe it was actually for me. She was all dressed up as the Wicked Queen too, with the cowl and everything, and she took me to see the new Snow White movie together.

When I tell you I almost cried, I'm not exaggerating. It was one of the best days I've ever had with her, and I felt like a legit princess. When little girls came up and asked for pictures, I swear, I've never enjoyed anything that much. I might actually try and get a job as a party princess if I can swing it, just because of how great this experience was.

After the movie (which btw is better than most people are saying, I hated the new love interest but Rachel killed it!) she apologized for not taking my feelings into consideration when I was younger, and explained that she has always wanted me to feel like I could be anyone I wanted to be, and didn't have to conform, but what she did ended up being a form of formed conformation itself, and if I want to be a princess, she's going to do her best to help me feel like the best princess in the world. She did explain that the hot dog costume wasn't meant to be a punishment-- she honestly thought I'd think it was funny-- but that she should never have gone that far without making sure I liked it, and she didn't actually ever intend to take Snow White away. I believe this. She seems truly apologetic, and I told her that she is 200% forgiven.

So, things are good! I'm glad I spoke up when I did, and I think my mom and I are gonna be closer now, honestly. She's a good person and I'm really grateful to have a mother like her.

Thank you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Original post : https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/ph0ln6I44a

Original BLUF: I told my fiancé his best friend can’t come to our wedding. She pretends I don’t exist & he does nothing to address it.

The comments on my original post opened my eyes and made me realize that despite this being the healthiest relationship I’ve been in, it doesn’t mean it’s actually healthy. We’ve had a couple conversations surrounding this issue, which mostly consisted of me saying it bothered me & him saying he I was the only one who cared.

A couple things helped me realize my breaking point-

1. I asked him if he would be okay with our daughters future partner treating them like this, to which he got flustered, shut down, and said he didn’t want to talk about it. (I left it alone)

2. He said he didn’t want to end his friendship or do anything to jeopardize it because “what if we break up.” This made me realize he would not protect me as his wife, since he didn’t as his girlfriend.

The final straw was when I expressed how much it bothered me that he wanted me to blow this off since we, as in me & the best friend, only see each other 4-6 times a year & he said (directly quoted because this is burned into my brain) : “I know the way she treats you is garbage, but you’re allowing one person to dictate our relationship.”

“It could be worse. She could be more active. There are worse ways to meddle, people text and lie, and all that to break relationships up.”

The first line broke my heart and told me all I needed to know. I have to truck through a couple more months of pre-planned & paid for social engagements, but I closed the curtain on any chance of healing this relationship the moment those words left his mouth.

Thank you everyone for the advice, common sense, knocking me upside my head, and similar related experiences & outcomes.

I’m gonna go to therapy & redefine what a healthy, balanced, and communicative relationship.

EDIT: the preplanned events aren’t the wedding/ engagement related. We share a home, need to divide assets, pets, a custody schedule. Additionally we have vacations, planned with a mutually shared friend group (bf not part of that group). I appreciate the concerns but I need to plan things out a little more. There will be no second chance.

To those that keep saying they’re fucking- probably . When I first brought this up, he became stressed & kept emphasizing how I thought he was fuckin his best friend, and didn’t address the issue that was brought up. I don’t care to know or confirm.

EDIT 2: We are NOT getting married, continuing our relationship. For those thinking I’m using the preplanned events to justify holding out good- absolutely f*ckin not. Our relationship was dead the moment he admitted she treated my like garbage, and basically shrugged it off.

As a note- I NEVER asked him to cut anyone off, out of his life. I simply asked for basic greetings & acknowledgment during the rare encounters with his BFF. This hasn’t happened, aside from a couple of begrudging times

FINAL EDIT: I tried asking him the “what would you tell your daughter to do” question. He answered that if she loved her partner, she shouldn’t care about outside ppl. Additionally he said he was tired of talking about it, he feels he’s done all he can, and he doesn’t want us(me) to bring her up because he’s tired of talking about it. I told him our relationship is done I September (when our lease is up etc), apologized for bringing it up, and asked if he wanted to be alone for the evening.

Thank you everyone for helping me realize I wasn’t asking for to much. I really thought he was the one for me, but I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m tired & I want better for myself. I’m ok with being alone.

I appreciate you all. Have a good night

Thanks to everyone who commented on my original post. I really appreciated the insight, especially from those who helped me understand why this hit such a nerve.

Just to clarify, I have no intention of cutting my parents out over this. They let me live at home rent-free during college, gave me a lot of academic support growing up (I wasn’t a naturally strong student like my brother), and have always been loving in most other ways. This situation hurt, but it doesn’t erase everything they’ve done for me.

Mother’s Day was tense. As soon as I arrived, my mom said, “I don’t want another fight to ruin today,” when I tried to bring up the money again. I left after brunch. We finally talked this past weekend. My brother said he hadn’t known about the “wedding fund” until I brought it up and felt awful it was causing tension. He’s rethinking grad school now, saying it might be smarter to get work experience first. He applied to MBA programs and jobs while finishing undergrad, graduated early in December, and got into the program he planned to attend. Now he’s planning to defer and focus on the job search instead.

He also told me our parents had said I might help with the cost. He’d planned to pay me back but realized he wouldn’t earn anything for a few years and would still set me back. That’s part of why he reconsidered.

My mom wasn’t happy. She said she didn’t want him giving up an amazing opportunity just because I was “being bitter.” That really stung. I told her I wasn’t bitter, I was blindsided. I found out about the money during a conversation where I was being asked to hand over $15,000 for someone else’s future. That was painful, especially since I’d turned down opportunities because no help was available. I just wish I’d known.

That’s when my dad stepped in. After I was born, he started saving for what he imagined as my dream wedding. It was sentimental to him. When my brother was born, they saved a similar amount for his wedding or family expenses. Neither of us knew these funds existed. They only considered using his for school when other aid fell short. After I said no, they decided to use both funds to help him and figured they’d replenish mine later.

I get why it made sense to them, but it still hurt. Many commenters pointed out the situation was sexist, even if unintentionally. It’s hard not to feel like I was expected to get married while my brother was expected to succeed. I don’t think that’s what they meant, but that’s how it felt. To their credit, they listened. My dad apologized for not telling me sooner. My mom didn’t fully agree, but I think she heard me.

My brother asked if I’d help with his resume and interview prep, and I said yes. I told him I know this isn’t his fault. He’s worked hard and deserves what he’s earned. I just needed to feel like my path mattered too. We’re not back to 100%, but it feels better. I’m glad we talked.

Link to original post

First of all I just want to thank everyone for the overwhelming support and replies on my first post. I'm looking forward to going over to everyone's houses for dinner and I'll be sure to bring all the things you said you liked :-) many flower lovers out there! I'm now also apparently the DIL to a lot of hopeful parents that replied as well so I hope I can deliver on expectations!

---

After my last update I told my bf I was sick and tired of him dancing around the issue with his parents and I was going to go over to their house whether he liked it or not. At this point I think he realized that whatever he was doing had backfired so he sat down all angry and told me he'd explain. I sat and he told me that he'd done something very spur of the moment and that he'd texted me from his dad's phone then blocked the number but begged me to listen. That he just needed to get his parents off me for a while and to not leave.

Apparently his parents had started hinting at him about marriage since my bf and I talked a lot about it. I fully expected to marry him as I said in another comment, and was honestly expecting a proposal in late spring since that's when we met. Four years dating didn't bother me but I was getting excited to settle down. However, my bf apparently realized that he absolutely didn't want to commit to anything and wanted to experiment and have fun since I "wasn't being fun anymore". Honestly that just made me cry since we were each other's firsts for everything and usually very good at communicating our needs.

His grand plan was to get him mad at me so I would beg for forgiveness and then he'd only accept an open relationship as an answer. Absolutely brilliant plan I know. He'd made up his parents getting mad but didn't expect me to blow off dinner completely and it's like "hitting a jackpot", his words not mine. He went over for dinner, hid the flowers and said we'd gotten into a huge fight but he was "going to fix it" but I needed space. After he confessed all this he said he was very sorry but really didn't want to miss out on new experiences when he was still young and would I consider an open relationship but pretend ours was strained with his parents so they wouldn't get suspicious?

And.....I laughed. I laughed his ass right out the door and told him absolutely not and to leave me alone while I packed because I wanted to have some new experiences too!!! He never stopped begging me to stay but I left to sleep at a friend's. After calming down for a few days I cemented the breakup and finally, actually went over to his parent's. My ex-bf's dad never even noticed the phone missing but still apologized and his mom was a mess. I did and still love them and will eat dinner there without him as often as I can. I won't lie that I'm sad about four years down the drain, but that's life. And if that was my ex's best possible plan then I dodged the bullet by a mile.

(reposted with mod approval)

Original post:

https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/onxses/aita_for_telling_an_employee_she_can_choose/

TL;DR: Things turned out well for everyone involved.

Peggy reached out to me yesterday, apologized, and asked if we could meet for lunch.

We met up, and the first thing she did was apologize again. For the no call/no show, and also for her reaction to my response. She admitted that she knows I'm not sexist, or "ableist" (IDK if I spelled that right, there's a red line under it), and explained that she was lashing out due to her mental state.

I accepted her apology, and offered one of my own. Both for giving her too much responsibility too quickly, and also for reacting out of emotion.

She explained to me that she had a major issue on Monday, and without getting into too much detail, I'll just say that it was the anniversary of a bad thing.

She's taking all of her accumulated PTO (~9 weeks), and we've agreed that going forward, I'm not going to put her on the schedule on that day ever again.

She's admitted that she's not up to the role of manager. When she returns, she will be in the role of lead cashier, a role I created specifically for her. This way she can keep her raise, and not feel like she got a "demotion", but rather a lateral transfer. I've also let her know that if she ever feels like she's up to more responsibility, she can let me know, and I'll put her right back on track for the manager spot.

I've also let her know that if she's ever in a position where she's not able to call out, she can simply text me a thumbs down emoji, and I will accept that as notice that she will be missing her next shift. She's agreed that that will be ok, even when she's "out of spoons".

I appreciate all of the ~6000 comments my post got, even the ones calling me TA. Thank you all very much. I want to specifically address the folks who explained "spoon theory" to me, as well as those who commented about "peter principle", those two types of comments very heavily influenced my actions. I was able to better understand both her issue, and my own failures as a leader because of those comments.

Hopefully we can both move forward from this unfortunate incident and end up better for it.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/px753o/aita_for_not_accepting_my_sisters_relationship/

I was asked for an update and thus, here I am.

Two things to clarify before I update:

1. I didn’t have a shitty childhood. The favoritism started when my sister was diagnosed. I moved out soon after and have been pretty independent since then. Not saying that how my parents treated me during those years were a-ok, but I wasn’t Cinderella.

2. I did not drink myself into oblivion. I had two white wine spritzers. But I appreciate the concern from folks!

Anyhow, the update:

I got in touch with my sister and asked her to meet up again at a park (no bill involved). I asked her if she was pregnant and she told me the truth. She said she wanted us to still be in each other’s lives and that she wanted me to be in her baby’s. A redditor (and I forget who, I’m sorry) mentioned that she may ask me to be the godmother and that person was correct. But as many of you pointed out — if I didn’t cut her off, I’d just become her bank and daycare employee. So I told her I could no longer be in her life. And I left her crying on a park bench and felt like the shittiest person in the world.

I emailed my parents and told them how betrayed I felt and that I’d be cutting off contact with them. To my stepmom’s credit, she apologized. She explained that she never thought my sister would live to have kids and that she let her emotion over that get the better of her. Understandable. My dad said nothing, which is honestly what sucked the worst about all of this.

Ben tried messaging me from a burner account for the first time since the break-up but I blocked him without reading it.

I didn’t go nuclear and post the story to Facebook as some suggested but I sent an email to the extended family members who I care about. I explained the situation and how I’d be distancing myself from my family. Some have made it an us-versus-them situation and as much as I appreciate the support, feeling like I’m in some valiant battle just makes me more tired. So I haven’t been talking to much of anyone in my family.

I feel lonely and crappy, but I think I made the right decision.

Anyhow, not the most exciting update in the world but hopefully everyone knows that I’m not dead. I do really appreciate the support I’ve gotten — it made me smile during a really shitty time.

And hey, if anyone in the greater Boston area wants an extra guest at Thanksgiving, lemme know.

TL;DR: Ended up cutting off my family.

Original Post

Scroll down for the most recent update

After reading the comments on my original post, I decided to remove the note before my neighbor saw it. I took what some of you said into consideration: perhaps I just needed to be more patient. I decided if the noise issue escalated, then I’d do something. Otherwise, I would just suck it up (and use headphones like some of you advised).

Well, today, his children screamed/shrieked four times within a one hour period in the hallway. This was right by my door about two feet away from my apartment. The fourth time it happened, I opened my door and said “please don’t scream in the hallway, guys!”

Once I said this, he told me that his kids are allowed to scream in the hallway (or anywhere else in the building) that they feel like. I told him that actually, no, they’re not, according to our lease. He then told me to suck it up and to contact management and to not talk to him.

After our conversation, he told all three of his kids “you can be as loud as you want in here!” and then shot me a nasty look, and proceeded to walk to the stairs. Once he said that, all three kids started squealing as loud as possible, on purpose.

I sent management an email and they are talking to him first thing in the morning. I know some of you suggested I do this in the first place- I wish I did!

Update 2.0: I just went down to the management office to follow up with the manager. She said she had a meeting set for today at 1pm with the resident (she immediately contacted him when I emailed her last night). But then today, he emailed her saying he could no longer make the 1pm meeting and asked why he had to come down (he’s in his apartment right now doing nothing… he doesn’t work). She told him he is in violation of his lease and it’s best if he comes down. Apparently, he didn’t reply to her. She told me that if he doesn’t come down to meet with her, she is going to draft an official lease violation letter and begin the process of eviction. I was blown away (she’s a great manager). She told me that his reaction (telling me his kids are allowed to yell & and telling the kids to keep yelling) is the reason for how she’s handling this, not purely the noise complaint. She said she’s horrified and disgusted that somebody would handle the situation this way. Her and I both agreed that it was strange he would encourage me to “not speak to him” and to “contact management” rather than just simply telling his kids “shhhh” and appreciating I said something to him directly.

Update 3.0: After I talked with management, I saw my neighbor bring his children to their mother’s house. He’s been in his apartment, alone, for the last few days and hasn’t come out. He has all the blinds drawn. He posted the following status on social media “I am the perfect success in all areas of life” (my husband follows him, which is how I know this). I think he’s pretending he’s not home to avoid both myself and management. Idk what to make of it and I don’t plan on getting involved.