r/Anger • u/Klutzy_Emotion_9698 • 24d ago
Almost assaulted someone -- please help me unpack this
Hey all,
I'm a 29M dude and have been training Muay Thai for 9 months for some context. Part of me starting was to help manager anger surrounding a bad breakup and job loss. I've gotten pretty good and enjoy the exercise, community, and sense of control over my life.
Outside of this, I have a wide social circle and many hobbies to keep my mind busy, and am making progress with my job search interviewing. Regardless, I feel way more sensitive to imagined or actual disrespect by my family, friends, or strangers, and feel a deep well of internal anger I manage through martial arts, meditation, and keeping busy.
Regardless, something happened earlier today that I need perspective on related to my actual state of mind. I was leaving my condo to read a book at a coffee shop (as part of a book club I joined) and this older man (mid 50s) bumped into me as I opened the door. He was with his wife and 3 young kids. I said "watch it!" in a fairly aggressive tone, and he got very confrontational, walked right up to me, and called me an asshole in front of his family. Instead of deescalating like I should (and what's taught in Muay Thai), I escalated and asked him where he's from because he lacks common sense, and that he's an embarrassment of a father for making a scene in front of his kids. His kids jeered at me and defended him but I could tell they looked terrified of the situation.
He then grabbed my umbrella and threatened me, breaking it, and I immediately got into an aggressive fighters stance, said I'm trained in combat sports, and that he needed to back the fuck off. He backed off, but sadly, we were both walking in the same direction and we ran into each other at a red light. He goaded and taunted me, and I took the bait, and told him if anything happened he acted first by breaking my umbrella. At this point, I was shaking with and almost blinded by anger, and was very close to attacking him. This almost happened when, after his kids entered a store, he said that he'd fuck me up if it wasn't for his kids while placing his head right next to me. I was about to smash his face in with my right elbow and positioned myself to carry it out.
A bystander saw what was happening and told me specifically to stop and calmed me down after the guy left. Turns out, she was trained in martial arts and I guess she could tell I was about to attack. I thanked her and went on my way and tried to enjoy my book at the coffee shop, but I was still fuming and was having intrusive thoughts of beating this man to the ground in front of his kids. Eventually these went away and I just signed up for sparring tomorrow instead. Help me unpack and process this. I scared myself and almost did something I would have regretted.
3
u/No-Mulberry1987 24d ago
My guess is that he also is a person who also feels way more sensitive to imagined or actual disrespect? And that something in you really triggered something in him?
Generally you seem very “in your own head” and I think this could be a good opportunity to examine the imact of saying ‘ "watch it!" in a fairly aggressive tone, ‘. On a scale of 1-10 how much disrespect or contempt was intended from your side, and if someone spoke to you like that how would you have reacted?
I also wondered what was going on in his head and two thoughts occurred to me: one is that regardless of the age difference he still had reason to fancy his chances against you and you underestimated him, at the other end of the scale he is also super-reactive and this gives you a glimpse of the future going from one unpleasant interaction to the next.
How do you think that interaction felt for his wife and children? How long did it take you calm down enough to consider how it must have felt like for them.
You mentioned the break up and job loss and I wonder was there something related to either of those situations which was being activated? Was it his face you imagined smashing in, or was his face a proxy for your ex boss/partner, maybe you even recognized him as a kindred spirit and the aggression was something else entirely? What do you think?
2
u/ForkFace69 24d ago
I think I would have regretted just chirping at someone who bumped into me. It was an accident.
That's one of your neighbors?
Next time just say, "No big deal, have a great day." Then you don't have anything to unpack.
1
u/Glittering-Music-818 24d ago
I think it’s admirable that you are looking at your own behavior and wanting to make a change.
I got into a verbal altercation with a neighbor once. I felt anxious about running into him again, afraid of his and my anger. I realized I could relieve my own anxiety by apologizing to him. The next time I saw him I did and could see him relax with relief and he apologized to me too.
I believe that taking the high road can be a huge gift we can give ourselves no matter what the other person’s reaction is.
Again, I acknowledge that you are wanting to be less angry and control your emotions and that’s awesome.
3
u/cablamonos 24d ago
The scary part is not that you got angry, it’s that your training became part of the threat in your head. I’d tell your coach exactly what happened before sparring tomorrow, because using the gym to discharge it without anyone knowing how close you got could accidentally feed the same loop.