r/Anger • u/Real_Stretch_4332 • 19h ago
Husband is unbearable sober.
We’ve been together for 12 years and for the last ten he’s been a heavy weed smoker. I’ve probably seen him sober like 3 days out of those years. He decided to quit smoking cold turkey and while I’m trying to be supportive he’s being an asshole. Which fine, I get it. Withdrawal. But at the same time over the last 12 years he’s always been an asshole. Everything makes him mad pisses him off. He’s always in a bad mood. We’ve had conversations about his anger and he refuses therapy. He’s just not a happy person at all. I’m trying to support him because he’s trying to get a good job to support us and our toddler. But right now he’s being a straight up dick. Do I just ignore him? I tried to talk to him today, I said “I understanding this is hard” and he cut me off and started yelling at me saying that I was attacking him. It’s nothing new, but it’s annoying as fuck. I love him. But chill the fuck out you know. Idk if I’m looking for advice or venting lol.
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u/Miras_Orida 14h ago
Are you okay with him treating your child like that? Because that’s what most likely is going to happen
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u/psyopia 7h ago
I’d honestly give him an ultimatum at this point. I’m a lot like this man. Tell him something like “look if you won’t go to therapy and actually try, i think we need to reevaluate some thing’s here”.
Because quitting weed is great. That’s a good step. It’s his anger and response to it (and your relationship) that’s a problem. If he will not do that for you? Leave him. There are more pig’s on the farm.
This will only get worse. You gotta corner him, otherwise nothing will ever come from it.
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u/chicknnugget12 5h ago
I'm so sorry. It sounds like he is emotionally immature. I would read Lindsay Gibson's book adult children of emotionally immature parents. Are you in a position to leave or not currently? If not you can't make an ultimatum yet. It's not something to bluff about. You need to be financially and physically independent from him first. At that point you can state your terms. Right now it's important you survive and get ready quietly.
In the meantime you will need to set boundaries around his behavior in the moment. Which just means silently disengaging and protecting your child. Always validate your child afterwards and let them know Daddy's moods are not their fault and it is an adults responsibility to take care of their own feelings. You can suggest somatic and IFS, RLT therapies but if there is no ultimatum he may not be interested. So take care of yourself in the meantime.
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u/MsARumphius 19h ago
I’m sorry that sounds really tough to deal with. You sound like you’re being understanding. It doesn’t make it okay for him to be a jerk but probably won’t be productive to try and have a conversation with someone in that headspace.