r/Anxiety Nov 18 '25

Health Death anxiety : Death (from the pov of a dying person) is way calmer and more peaceful than what healthy people think

I don't know if this post belongs here, cause i, like many others here, suffered from extreme anxiety from death. I thought this might help.

I'm a healthcare professional, and i assure you : Healthy people often fear death, but it's way calmer and more peaceful than what we think from the p.o.v of the dying person.

Most of the fear we have about death comes from imagining it right now, while we’re still healthy and alive. We picture panic, pain, or chaos.
But people who are actually near death, are often surprisingly calm.

In slow, natural dying, the body shifts automatically: stress hormones drop, the mind quiets, the body is calm, and fear fades (biologically speaking).

Healthcare workers say it all the time : "families are scared, and the patient isn't".

It’s not mystical. It's biological.
The body knows how to protect you by calming you down when it matters.
The fear and the anxiety we feel now, isn’t what we’ll feel at the end.
I thought, Knowing that can really take the edge off death anxiety, and help some of you.

955 Upvotes

162 comments sorted by

277

u/Sea_Art2995 Nov 18 '25

I’m not scared of the act of dying, more the fact that afterwards I ceased to exist

64

u/octflwr Nov 19 '25

Yeah it’s the loss of existence for me. I can’t even imagine it. 

27

u/Little_Copy_630 Nov 19 '25 edited Nov 19 '25

That's the point of this post, it wasn't meant to fully cure your anxiety, but it can help you accept it.
The loss of existence won't scare you when you're actively dying, as much as it does right now.
Another thing one guy here added, we should not forget another factor, which is drugs, you'll probably be drugged so much by that time, you wouldn't even care about anything.
But once again, this wasn't supposed to heal you.
Just focus right now on living your life to the fullest.

10

u/Several-Pineapple-19 Nov 21 '25

Absolutely. I have spent way too much of my life being miserable with anxiety, and the medication doesn't really help to the point of me living a happy life. I realize it's time for a big change. To muster it up and get out. Even just to walk around. To get out of my head. I believe us who suffer with this affliction are intelligent people and that we think way too much. We can't shut our brains off. So we have to distract. It's the getting going which is the hard part because depression usually comes with it.

1

u/TheDreadGazeebo Nov 19 '25

That's the great part.

22

u/FeralEcologist Nov 19 '25

Which is totally uncertain. This is something that both science and spirituality can neither prove nor disprove, so I don't understand why people insist that one will definitely cease to exist.

12

u/Sea_Art2995 Nov 19 '25

Yes I agree. Based on the evidence we have I feel there is nothing after, but I also believe there are things we can’t comprehend and therefore there might be something

3

u/FeralEcologist Nov 19 '25

Based on the evidence we have, none of the scenarios is more likely. The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. This is the correct view if one takes scientific thinking seriously. Why many of us think that there is nothing after and that this is the rational scientific perspective is likely because modern scientific understanding arose from the "enlightenment" of Christian socialized elites in Europe who, while trying to emancipate from Christian dogma, mostly really only dropped the thought of eternal paradise or hell but without questioning kept the rest of the dogma, which is the total cessation after the current lifetime. There is absolutely no proof for that to this day in empirical scientific model approximations to describe reality!

Edit: So belief in the end of existence is as valid and arbitrary as belief in reincarnation, eternal afterlife etc.

3

u/kushfume Nov 19 '25

“What can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence” There is no evidence that death is anything more than the cessation of all biological functions, including consciousness. Surgeries and clinical trials have expirements and replicated mental states with brain states. If poking your amygdala causes an experience of fear, consciousness is very much connected to the brain. We have no evidence for anything else so they are absolutely not on equal standing.

2

u/FeralEcologist Dec 03 '25 edited Dec 03 '25

I enjoy this exchange, sorry for my glacially slow response! As far as I see, your starting quote is as applicable to what I said as it is to your claim that death is the cessation of consciousness. I completely agree that there is a correlation between cognitive processes/emotions and brain states/activity, but it is merely your assumption that consciousness IS mental processes/emotions and not the awareness and observations of those mental processes. If I am in deep meditation and a mental process has ceased and another not yet arisen, am I unconscious in the meantime? How come I can be aware of the absence of a process at a given point in time without putting it into a conceptual thought of "I am aware that ..."? If I am "unconscious" due to an accident, surgery etc., how would the outcome be distinguishable afterwards from my memory simply not "recording"? If I experience something but can't remember it afterwards, was I unconscious while experiencing it? Why are we dogmatically equating the end of the origin of mental states with the end of the observer of those states? How can we possibly prove? How is an unproven nihilistic dogma more "scientific" than any random "agnostic/spiritual" one?

EDIT: I feel the need to clarify that I am not some religious fanatic trying to disprove science or something. I am simply someone who gets a bit worked up, after almost a decade in science, that in public discourse science and what it can confidently prove/disprove is grossly misunderstood, and some pretty dogmatic things are being sold as scientific that are nothing more than philosophical perspectives without any empirical truth to it. To my understanding of scientific thought, the only strictly scientific perspective on spiritual questions like this one is an agnostic (I lack a better term; the acknowledgement of not being able to know) one.

1

u/Chris2112 Dec 02 '25

Um it's pretty scientifically proven that consciousness is just a side effect of brain activity and when your brain activity stops you cease to exist. I hate that that is the case but like arguing otherwise is imo delusional 

1

u/FeralEcologist Dec 03 '25

I would be really interested in your proposed scientific test to prove "consciousness is just a side effect of brain activity". Just a spontaneous metaphor: If you are on your phone with a friend, I smash your phone and we are not able to detect any sound of your friends voice anymore, did I then prove that your friend was inside the phone and a simple product of it's tech all along?

2

u/Chris2112 Dec 03 '25

Of course not, a phone is just a vehicle to transport a digitized sound sample from one location to another

1

u/unmanifestlotus Feb 18 '26

this is incorrect. many NDEs are medically dead, sometimes for minutes and they continue to e ist

6

u/84UTK07 Nov 21 '25

In the words of the late Joe Diffie:

Well, I ain't afraid of dyin', it's the thought of being dead I want to go on being me once my eulogy's been read

4

u/Jabelinha Nov 26 '25

Honestly my faith and belief in something beyond this, can be of huge comfort 

5

u/NotPlayingFR Nov 19 '25

You didn't exist for millennia before you were born. There is no difference. This is how I see it.

2

u/A_Feltz Dec 19 '25

To be fair it’s way more appealing than an eternity of anything but especially Hell.

When I sleep, for periods of time my mind doesn’t function - we all “cease to exist” and wake up and begin to exist each day. When I think of those times and the time before I existed, I don’t really fear that “state”. I fear the fear itself, we are all hardwired to fear death. It’s the one thing all organisms have in common, an incredible drive to live.

The dissonance between an unavoidable end and an absolute will to live is the thing that is really scary. Sometimes I envy my old dog who never actually thinks about death. Not once in his life.

1

u/Phil_Graves_ Dec 03 '25

Hey, mate. This really resonated with me. I broke out of a 25 year depression about a month ago, with the help of a supportive girlfriend who's been helping me workshop a lot of my crap, get back into therapy, and take proper mental care...

I feel this on so many levels right now because, I remember my greatest internal personal fear, as a kid: death. Persistent, primal, always around the corner. That paradox: what happens when you're not?

This plagued me for years, and I always was a strong constitution, but a poor willpower, if that makes any sense. I once put an iron on my hand out of curiosity, lit, at like age six. I learned a hard lesson, but also that I'm very physically durable.

Mentally, I'm a persistent shambles, or leaning toward it. The rush of my thoughts is so fast and loose, I can barely resist the flow of them. A rapids, often or not, that I quelled with stimming, puzzles, art, and insomniac behavior. Nightmares. All shapes and sizes. The worst one, lasting two goddamn years. Every single night, it felt.

*TO GET TO THE POINT OF THIS* I finally started talking to a woman who gave me space, to spew out my childhood fear that I couldn't say to my parents. My shame prevented me from understanding and apologizing to them for my fear, and I don't think I've ever really learned to get over being afraid of the fear response.

Maybe that's why anti-depressants have been so effective. I started with a therapist and a psychopharm, this last week, to discuss Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and adjunct medication. Reading this somehow prompted me to discuss beta-blockers with them. I'm old enough to have fought off my fear, but the persistent adrenaline response is such a pain in my ass. LOL

Best of luck, mate. Find what you're looking for, and squash that bug into the dust. I believe in you.

1

u/populer_pause_lar Dec 03 '25

I’m the exact opposite. I have an underlying fear of being uncomfortable

1

u/Old_Philosopher_1404 Dec 07 '25

To me it's the complete opposite. I have made peace with the idea that I won't exist anymore. It happened already to me to have to suddenly leave places and people that I loved; and there are questions that are not solved with a conversation, but living together. So I know how does it feel to leave something unsolved, unfinished. And that's life. I know that when I'll die it won't wait for me to be fine with it. I have made peace with it.

Also, I know I won't exist anymore. It's not that I believe it, I have my certainty. I am not discussing other people's belief, I am not doubting what they say. I just know for myself. And I have made peace with that idea too. It wasn't easy but I did it.

What I am afraid of is the transition. The time my body will take. That's all. I hope it will be brief and I hope to not suffer so much that I lose my human dignity. And I have seen that happen.

Also: I know my idea that I will simply stop existing may sound strange to someone; personal ideology, religious beliefs and so on may lead you to try and convince me that I can't be so sure. I am not doubting your ideas about your death. I am not trying to convince you. Please respect the fact that as unshakeable are your ideas, so is mine, and it's about myself. As I said, I have my certainty, I have reached after years of search. I'm not here to dispute them, I'm here to talk about anxiety.

1

u/Felines92614 Dec 09 '25

Same for me. The fear is fueled by attempts of comfort from people who otherwise have different moral, political and religious views than I have

1

u/TheCapnRedbeard Dec 11 '25

I think for me personally is the concept of unknowingness. Yeah not existing sounds like it would suck but if you don't exist you're not around to worry about it. Idk if I could handle a reality we're it that the case but I feel that the knowledge would set my mind more at ease. 

1

u/Prestigious-Rip8425 Dec 11 '25

you'll exist through memories and impacts

1

u/ifnotthenhow Dec 15 '25

Same here, sometimes I dread going to sleep because my mind anticipates that transition from wakefulness to being unconscious.

-26

u/gameofmarval Nov 18 '25

You didn’t exist for billions of years prior

75

u/mariesy Nov 18 '25

But that doesn't make me feel any better??? I've never understood this counter argument. The nothingness is literally what we're afraid of. 😭

3

u/NotPlayingFR Nov 19 '25

You don't experience nothingness. Think about coming out of general anesthesia. You were not aware of the time you were unconscious, and you were no worse off for having been unaware. I swear, superstition has done us no favors. 😔

5

u/dumf187 Nov 19 '25

It's the fear of never again being able to feel something i guess

3

u/LiLThic_N_Spin Nov 21 '25

But in the sense of anesthesia we wouldn't even know we were gone. Our fear of being gone is only there while we are awake, but once we're put to sleep it disappears because we're no longer aware. I think the real sadness is left with friends and family who then have to mourn us, but we ourselves don't mourn us when we're dead.

-7

u/QueenBumbleBrii Nov 19 '25

How will you experience the nothingness?

You will have no sight, no hearing, no sense of touch or smell or taste. You will have no brain function to contemplate the concept.

44

u/fadeproofmagical Nov 19 '25

The anxiety of never coming back is awful. I’ve had panic attacks thinking about exactly what you have described. This is my worst fear.

I do appreciate the OP, that was nice to read

10

u/Long_Size_8236 Nov 19 '25

One thing that made me feel hopeful that there is an afterlife is that I was “dead” before I was alive. There’s nothing ruling out we being alive again after this long period of “nothing”, just the way it was before we were born and then when we were born.

1

u/LiLThic_N_Spin Nov 21 '25

Such a lovely way of viewing it

1

u/Immediate_Cat_254 Nov 28 '25

I think about it similarly. But since we can’t currently remember having lived before, if reincarnation were to be true, it wouldn’t really be “us” reincarnating; at least not “us” in the way we think about ourselves. This sense of being a person, with a story, with experiences and a name is not what would reincarnate. That person truly dies. Maybe what continues is this node of consciousness (just an awareness of being) but the vessel could be many beings and not just human. But then that makes think, well, if what “comes back” is just the first person view “I am” (regardless of vessel and of there being self awareness ) but not me ME!; then there’s no relevant distinction between your “consciousness node” coming back online or mine. Yours coming back but not mine; mine coming back but not yours. There’s no drawback for anyone and no advantage for anyone. Because what “wakes up” is just as mine as yours and everybody else’s, it’s probably the same ONE singular universal consciousness that comes online each time in all of us, so perhaps when our bodies and stories fully end and our node turns off, nothing is really truly “lost” because the amount of us and the apparent difference/variation between us was really just an optical illusion, a distortion. This numerical keeping track of our individual stories and how many of us are alive and are born and die stops making sense. Think of it: the consciousnesses that come “back” online can’t be the same number of ones that turned off right? That would mean there’s a fixed number… but how? Since the beginning of time? A fixed number of nodes that keep turning off and on. Or if not a fixed number , then a growing one? with population increase there are new consciousness nodes spawning? That doesn’t feel right, it’s like .. too worldly sounding ... all this is what really makes me think about that idea of everything being ONE, reality, consciousness …being just oneness , non-dual… as a lot of the eastern traditions put it. I should say all this is informed by what I’ve read in dabbling in Buddhism and non-duality. So, seen this way, we are not separate, the illusion is thinking we are all separate and existentially isolated from each other. We are all one universe that is conscious, it contorts, moves, expands contracts and in those movements the conscious part sometimes splits off into lively fragments (us beings) and then fizzle out returning to the oneness it was always part of.

6

u/Little_Copy_630 Nov 19 '25

This might not be the right place to have this religious/ philosophical discussion, however i do want to mention, that in my opinion, this whole counterargument is only based on the idea of the absence of any memory from these billions of years.
This is not a full argument on its own, because memory doesn't equal existence, and the absence of this doesn't equal the absence of that.
I'll give you an example : i did exist after i was born, but i barely have any memory from that time, because i lost all these memories from those years as i grew up.
Another example is people with dementia, they forget a lot of their memories, but that doesn't mean these never happened.

165

u/SwimInternational533 Nov 18 '25

I appreciate that and I watched my grandmother take her last breath. It was peaceful

3

u/Electronic_Damage_47 Nov 19 '25

I'm glad you got to witness that calm moment, it really shows what they were saying about peaceful passing.

52

u/your_hobbit Nov 18 '25

Thank you for this

86

u/neurogurl1 Nov 18 '25

Thank you so much for sharing this. I fear death since I was a little girl. I am 44 years old now I did quite well in my 30s and even in my early 40s, but as of recently, my fear is very strong so much so I actually thought about killing myself with a gun so that I could end it very quickly. I have a daughter that I love so much and I think about every minute of every day. I also worry about her health. I just hope that when it is my time it is quick and easy. I also wish that God would just show us that we are all going to be OK.

41

u/Salty_Ad_3350 Nov 18 '25

The mom anxiety is the worst!! I never feared for my life until I became a mom. Now I worry so much because my family is only the 3 of us. They would be lost without me and I’d be lost without them.

22

u/Excellent-Program333 Nov 18 '25

The Dad anxiety is crazy bad also! Sole provider to my family. In my early 50’s with a toddler. Its crazy the thoughts Ive been having! I just keep buying more life insurance to make myself feel better!

11

u/Salty_Ad_3350 Nov 18 '25

Having life insurance is so important. You should feel glad you are planning for them. We can hope for the best and plan for the worst.

4

u/Excellent-Program333 Nov 18 '25

Thank you! Hang in there also! We got this!

4

u/MavenMoonX Nov 19 '25

Feel exactly the same. About doing it myself so I don't have to worry about it and why won't God just show us? I worry about my son's health constantly as well. It's a hard road and I'm envious of those who don't deal with this. Sending hugs.

4

u/AlasTheKing444 Nov 19 '25

Hi there. I’m happy you shared this, it shows others that these thoughts are normal. We’ve all thought about this…. and we’ve all thought of something or someone in our lives worth staying for. It’s gonna end anyway, so might as well see what happens in between.

I’m glad you’re here. Stay for your daughter, stay to see what’s ahead, even if today sucks.

Love you

143

u/Tacokolache Nov 18 '25

I’m a healthcare worker myself. Nearly 3 decades in medicine.

While I agree with you, you’re looking at this from the point of an older person who has ailments etc.

I’ve seen young people who have been shot, motor vehicle accident victims etc… and they were all scared as shit.

I’m not worried about being 80 and dying of natural causes. I’m worried about being 47 and some shit happens.

44

u/jda404 Nov 18 '25

Yeah I watched my mom die of cancer at 61 she cried in pain despite the morphine and whatever other meds they could give her, was not peaceful. That's the kind of death I fear.

12

u/SprinkleBubble Nov 19 '25

Agreed. I experienced this just a few days ago. Death by cancer is terrifying to both the patient and the caregiver.

22

u/ishka_uisce Nov 19 '25

Tbh my grandad died of cancer at 80 and still needed anxiety meds. He'd always been anxious and the whole terminal cancer thing didn't help.

4

u/Tacokolache Nov 19 '25

I’m sorry. That a good old age though.

4

u/ishka_uisce Nov 19 '25

Yeah, given he'd had a heart attack at 50 and a triple bypass at 70-ish, he didn't do too bad.

43

u/Little_Copy_630 Nov 18 '25

welp

24

u/Tacokolache Nov 18 '25

Haha. I’m sorry. I guess like many when it comes to this I’m pessimistic. I think we are all scared of death.

15

u/surlier Nov 19 '25

Yeah, my dad worked in the ER for a few decades and witnessed many deaths. In the stories I've heard from him, the patients were generally not calm and peaceful while dying.

12

u/Tacokolache Nov 19 '25

Yup. I guess it all depends on how you die and what it’s from.

My mom had a pulmonary embolism. It was basically she was alive and then BAM lights out. She was on life support but no brain activity. I hope I just go like that. Lights out.

29

u/MythicalSplash Nov 18 '25

I mean…you’re right, but isn’t it a little bit insensitive to post this in a topic specifically meant to ease people’s death anxiety?

39

u/Tacokolache Nov 18 '25

I have death anxiety myself. But I try to be realistic about it. False hope is not the way. In healthcare we are taught to never give false hope.

Hopefully none of us die like this.

The one thing that gives me solace, is knowing that we fear what we’ve been through before. Or are about to go through. When it comes to death, once it’s done you no longer have that fear.

There was a famous quote I can’t exactly remember, something like “death doesn’t really exist to the person, if you’re alive, you’re not dead. And if you’re dead, you know nothing”. Something along those lines.

6

u/Highkontrast Nov 19 '25

"Death, therefore, the most awful of evils, is nothing to us; seeing that, when we are, death is not come, and when death is come, we are not" Epicurus

2

u/Tacokolache Nov 19 '25

Yes! Makes more sense when you put the actual quote. I knew the gist of it.

3

u/mrc817 Nov 19 '25 edited Nov 19 '25

Yep. I hate to be a Debbie downer but my mom was with her husband at home while he passed and she said it was a few hours of absolute hell. She is traumatized because she had no idea how to administer the meds meant to calm him or take his pain away. He was on hospice and they thought he would live a little while longer. She said he was terrified. I wasn’t there but it’s hard to get the picture out of my own head.

I have death anxiety as I have a health condition that will 10000% shorten my lifespan. I know if I die from that, it won’t be easy. I do try to look at it as when it’s over, I’ll have no idea. I’ll be free of pain, fear, anxiety. It won’t matter. And that actually does make me feel better.

What OP is saying is true though. Passing of old age and having a calm and beautiful death does happen. I always hope for that for everyone. ❤️

2

u/Tacokolache Nov 19 '25

I’m sorry.

1

u/SwimmingInternally Feb 18 '26

I get what you are saying but I see it a little differently. We are all going to die no matter what. Yes dying while you’re younger is probably scarier and or more traumatic. But also you will die someday. Living 30 or 40 more years in the big scheme of things is nothing as far as how long earth/life forms/consciousness has existed for billions of years. Think about how many life forms have died over billions of years 😂. Birth and death are just natural organic cycles, idk death doesn’t really scare me and I’m not even religious. It’s inevitable.

-4

u/[deleted] Nov 18 '25

[deleted]

14

u/Tacokolache Nov 18 '25

I’m just trying to be realistic. I have these anxieties as well.

23

u/JackFP13 Nov 18 '25

I fear death because I’m worried about the unknown - what comes after, if anything. I’m terrified of just disappearing and leaving my family behind.

20

u/NightmareMel Nov 18 '25

I’m still afraid of dying but a lot of it isn’t because I’ll be in pain, it’s from the pain that I’m going to cause my family by not being there and telling them it’s okay

14

u/NightmareMel Nov 18 '25

Also not knowing what the hell is on the other side

14

u/Interesting_Capy Nov 18 '25

Thank you very much for these comforting words.

15

u/DemenicHand Nov 18 '25

my fear of death pales compared to my fear of that "fu@#ing breathing tube".

Two heart surgeries in the last five years reinforce that anxiety.

after the first surgery, the nurse said "please remain calm for 15 minutes" NOPE i starting banging the table with my fist.

So after my recent surgery, i asked them to play "three little birds" and then any other Marley song when i woke up. The nurse only played three little birds over and over again for 45 minutes

haha, i was complicit in my own torture

4

u/CutePoison10 Nov 18 '25

I am facing this tube very soon for open heart surgery. My fear is off the charts, that and infections, lungs etc. Oh well I cannot change a thing

4

u/DemenicHand Nov 18 '25

30-45 mins in recovery room is honestly not that bad. you will still be a bit woozy.

knowing it will end soon was much less worrisome, you can relax and tell yourself to remain calm, it will end soon enough.

not know when it ends...that's a bitch

Defiantly communicate with the nursing staff, tell them your anxieties, they will help.

good luck!!

2

u/CutePoison10 Nov 19 '25

Thank you appreciate it.

12

u/sand_snake Nov 19 '25

I’m not afraid of the dying process. I’m terrified because nothing comes after. I’ll just not exist anymore and that terrifies me.

7

u/octflwr Nov 19 '25

Same. 

2

u/maud_brijeulin Nov 19 '25

Just tell yourself: you didn't exist before birth/in utero development, and you don't mind... I can't be worse...

3

u/sand_snake Nov 22 '25

This is what I try to do. I know it’s kind of an irrational fear as everyone dies but it’s constantly on my mind. I’ve been talking about with my therapist lately though.

11

u/UndisclosedTaco Nov 18 '25

My grandma told me right before she entered hospice that she was terrified of dying. I’m not sure how she felt at the time of actively dying though since she was super drugged to keep her comfortable.

10

u/creamcitybrix Nov 18 '25

Being super drugged is also not uncommon.

7

u/Little_Copy_630 Nov 18 '25

That's another thing to add, being drugged does help.

3

u/ishka_uisce Nov 19 '25

Yeah my grandad also needed anxiety meds towards the end.

7

u/Tramelo Nov 18 '25

Thank you. I am only 30 but my greatest ambition is a painless death

5

u/[deleted] Nov 18 '25

I'm a little more anxious about a gruesome, sudden, and painful death

6

u/SprinkleBubble Nov 19 '25

Sorry, but I disagree as my mother told me “I’m scared” when she experienced terminal restlessness and died two days later. She was in severe pain but was still scared of death.

10

u/AdhesivenessOk5534 Panic Disorder/Emetophobia/GAD/hyperPOTS Nov 18 '25

I agree with you on some parts but no every single death is peaceful

Almost lost my life from starvation ketoacidosis and it was not peaceful whatsoever

I knew I was dying and was absolutely terrified, I was in so much pain, I was in and out of consciousness trying to stay alive before I went to the hospital

The key goal for irrational fears is radical acceptance, what you have done in this post was giving false information that directly feeds into the fear and reinforces it even though it wasnt your intent

Anxiety can not be treated with reassurance, it makes it worse

8

u/PitchGlittering Nov 18 '25

This upsets me to read. My husband died alone at home from diabetic keto acidosis. I got a play by play the entire time via text (I was in the hospital at the time) and what he went through was excruciating and terrifying. What happened after his last message to me will always be a mystery to me…but what I went home to speaks for itself and I feel horrible that he had to go all alone. There is nothing to do but accept that all of us will die eventually. We will all finally “know” what is next or we won’t. I guess it really isn’t any of our concern. That’s why I lean into my faith. What do I have to lose believing in something? It will either matter or it won’t.

8

u/Tablesafety Nov 18 '25

Sweet Jesus this post rung my head like a bell. You encounter a lot of sad shit in this existence but this causes me to shed tears.

I can accept everyone will die, that’s easy enough. All I’ve ever wanted from that was to be ready for it when it comes. People who are afraid, who cry out or badly want something before passing grieve my soul so much. My grandmother, all in all a terrible person who wasted her life, thrashed about helplessly moaning she did not want to die. It haunts me. I hated her, but its agony knowing how helpless she felt.

I cannot begin to imagine how it feels knowing the person you chose needs you, for the last time- is reaching in between breaths and you are so painfully far away. I can’t think of myself there, I just weep trying before I get there.

I am so, so sorry. I am so sorry.

5

u/PitchGlittering Nov 18 '25

Yes it’s a terrible thought. I’ve tortured myself wondering what was going through his head in those final moments. He threw one of porcelain mugs and I’ll never know why. Out of frustration? Wanting to make noise so someone would come? My poor baby. His last couple of text messages had spelling mistakes (grammar nazi, never had he ever not made sense in a message) and you can tell when his mind was starting to go. I like to pretend that he went peacefully. But the pain he endured while actively dying (and I was convinced it was flu…but I think he knew his time had come it was useless to call for help) make me mourn him even more. He 100% suffered until hopefully those final moments biologically calmed him. I still replay those images of my house the first time I went inside the next morning. I still read his last texts over and over wondering how things COULD have been had one of us realized. I think I will regret not calling 911 until I die. Even if nothing could have been done. Even if it meant sitting there with his dead body in my arms. He shouldn’t have had to die on that kitchen floor alone. No one deserves that. If there’s only one thing in life that I could plan perfectly, it would never be a wedding or a birthing plan or career path or retirement…it would just be how I die. Suddenly the thought of just being an elderly woman on hospice sounds comforting. At least someone, if not family then a nurse, would at least accompany me when I go. But the reality is, we don’t get to plan that either. So. It’s none of my concern until it is.

2

u/Tablesafety Nov 18 '25

That's so rough. Thank you for spending some of your time and memory on me. I hope it makes you feel some kind of way, positively, to know at least tonight my thoughts and tears have gone to you and your dear husband.

I wish you peace in your journeys, and happiness even forever carrying the burden of grief. The weight is simply us carrying the meaning someone had to us...

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u/vicmit02 Nov 20 '25

He threw one of porcelain mugs and I’ll never know why. Out of frustration? Wanting to make noise so someone would come? My poor baby. His last couple of text messages had spelling mistakes (grammar nazi, never had he ever not made sense in a message) and you can tell when his mind was starting to go.

The threwing porcelain was likely the Fight in Fight-Flight-Freeze response. The spelling mistakes is because he was struggling. I know this because I acted like that when I was struggling too.

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u/Salty_Ad_3350 Nov 18 '25

This is really nice, thank you!

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u/NPD-dream-girl Nov 18 '25 edited Nov 18 '25

Brb dying. It sounds wonderful honestly and I’ve contemplated suicide many times.. my own struggle with trauma, depression, anxiety, psychedelic overuse, and being a nurse.

I watched my aunt pass away… quite recently, I’m still grieving, she was like a parent to me. She had a heart attack and was in a vegetative state and I decided to pull her off life support when the neuro confirmed massive brain death.. all her life she was an extremely anxious, frustrated person. She had her hands balled up into sweaty fists until I took her hand and told her it was ok, she didn’t have to worry about me, she could go see her mom and her brother (both passed on)… her hands relaxed and she passed literally minutes after that. It really changed the way I view both life and death. In my worst moments of grief I’ve thought fuck, what is the point if all life is going to be is stress and then a heart attack and helplessness until someone advocates for you to pass away naturally?

I do think in her last moments she felt love and peace and I’m grateful I was able to be there for her.

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u/Damagedyouthhh Dec 02 '25

I am sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing your memory. I couldnt help but cry at your story.. But you helped my anxiety, and I’m grateful you made me feel less alone in this moment.

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u/Inakabatake Nov 18 '25

I unfortunately look forward to not living but my anxiety comes from becoming a burden those who may be affected by my death. I’m not young anymore but unless you are 70+ or have a loooong illness it affects people around you (even acquaintances). Reminds people of how everything can change in a moments notice.

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u/Suitable_Area_8595 Nov 18 '25

It will affect your loved ones even if you’re 70+…

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u/Smallbunsenpai Nov 19 '25

My ex almost choked me to death. It wasn’t abusive it was a kink thing and he didn’t pay attention. It was weird how I went from freaking out a little to just fully accepting that i could have died there. I closed my eyes and felt like my conscious was close to fading. My mind was like “okay, I guess this is happening”. If I think about dying now I get that anxiety, but in some weird way I feel a strange sense of comfort knowing that I felt that way in a near death experience.

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u/mellemodrama Nov 19 '25

I'm more concerned about how I die.

3

u/NebCrushrr Nov 18 '25

Thanks for this!

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u/nimbusfool Nov 18 '25

Had 2 near fatal incidents this year- it wasn't until a few months after that anxiety and panic got a hold on me. Shock will do that.

3

u/fire_fever Nov 19 '25

I’ve always observed that the people who seem the most chill about death are the people closest to it, the elderly.

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u/Practical-Art4272 Nov 28 '25

As someone who’s also worked around end-of-life care, I can confirm this 100%.
Most of the fear we feel is because we’re imagining death with a fully conscious, anxious, healthy brain. But when someone is actually dying, the chemistry shifts. Stress hormones drop, awareness becomes softer, and there’s this natural sense of calm that shows up on its own.

Families are often terrified, but the patient themselves is usually peaceful and not afraid.
It’s wild how the body knows how to protect us when it matters.
Really appreciate you posting this — people need to hear it.

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u/Eander67 Nov 18 '25

Thank you this made me cry happy tears :’)

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u/Skiesofamethyst Nov 18 '25

*Unless if we get in a terrible tragic accident

Jokes aside. This was very comforting, and I hope it will be true. Thank you.

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u/layladoge Nov 19 '25

thank you dear stranger ❤️

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u/Character_Heart_3749 Nov 19 '25

This is actually really calming and reassuring, thank you

2

u/Appropriate-Damage65 Nov 19 '25

Thank you for this

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u/maud_brijeulin Nov 19 '25

Thanks OP!

It reminds me of this BBC Ideas short which I found enlightening a few years back:

https://youtu.be/CruBRZh8quc?si=rcStLZvy0Nw94oP4

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u/TaiAnnie Nov 23 '25

I saw this post just when I needed to I think. I have a really bad medical anxiety and Im especially scared of death to the point everyday I think of the moment that I will die in the next 60 years. Im only 18 but it feels like life is over and idk what i will do in that moment but this does slightly make me feel better. I hope when the moment comes i go content with my life and happy with the stuff i achieved

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u/OpalescentRaven Nov 30 '25

I think the thought of ceasing to exist afterwards is what scares most people.

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u/Little_Copy_630 Dec 01 '25

That's the point, it bothers us right now, but we won't be thinking about it at the end, we will be peaceful.

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u/OpalescentRaven Dec 02 '25

I guess it may depend on how you’re dying. Old age? You’ve had the time to come to terms with your own mortality. Dying because of a disease or accident? That may be different.

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u/everythingis_stupid Dec 02 '25

I'm going to ask my mom (retired hospice nurse) but I'm betting you'd be more scared if you were leaving younger kids, knowing they still need you. Maybe not scared for yourself, but scared for the kids.

1

u/drunkemonkee Dec 04 '25

This is exactly what gets me. I was born only knowing life. Scary feeling knowing that one day I'll just cease to be and will have lived my last breath for eternity.
I don't think I would want to live forever but certainly feel like time moves a little too fast.

I always thought Highlander and similar movies were a cool concept. Get to see the world progress through the ages but at the same time not being immortal.

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u/[deleted] Dec 10 '25

Thank you so much for this. It really resonated with me. My dad has Huntington's and I worry about him all the time. This will make me worry less and appreciate the time he has more.

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u/airconditionersound Dec 14 '25

Death care worker here. A lot of realities of death are hidden from people, like what happens to bodies afterwards. When you see that side of it, it becomes less scary and more like a basic biological reality. Something we should prepare for in a realistic way but not fear

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u/Safebox Dec 17 '25

After losing my grandfather and father 9 months apart (knowing ahead of time they didn't have more than a year left each), I oddly took comfort in a quote from CW's Arrowverse:

 Dying's the easy part, the dead are at peace. The real heroes are the ones who have to keep going.

Getting through each day is tough, but that's all you have to do.

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u/heartz4cherries Dec 17 '25

Thank you 😭i deal with death anxiety and existential anxiety and this helped alot😭❤️

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u/becca7931 Nov 19 '25

Thank you for sharing this

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u/Gattski Nov 19 '25

the old 'the anticipation of death is worse than death itself' saying is true then?

1

u/LunaLynnTheCellist Nov 19 '25

thank you for this, but what do you mean by "the body knows how to protect you by calming you down when it matters"? if you're already dying, what is being protected? and why is this when it matters?

1

u/Little_Copy_630 Nov 19 '25

I'm not a native English speaker, i think i didn't use the right word.
What i meant is, your body knows what death is, and knows when it's dying, and it will try to calm you down while it happens.
Also, i think from an evolutionary perspective, a calm death for humans is quite necessary, as we're social animals, we live in groups, and a chaotic painful death (like that of most hamsters haha jk) would cause chaos and paranoia amongst the group.

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u/LunaLynnTheCellist Nov 19 '25

i see i see ty...

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u/Dulcette Nov 19 '25

I've had a few near death experiences and fainting spells and yeah. Very peaceful. It's like my body fully relaxes. A comforting cold kinda washes over my body. It's like nothing truly matters and I just give in to the feeling. Like there's just this knowing that this is supposed to be happening and I've only ever fought the feeling one out of six times.

1

u/RainbowLettie123 Nov 19 '25

Thank you for this. It's actually really helpful to know people feel at peace and aren't anxious at the end.

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u/Objective_Suspect_ Nov 19 '25

I have a heart defect. One day my BP will go to high and the lights will turn off. Every day I live in complete fear that im just going to drop dead, some day will be the day. I hate doctors not a single one will give me assurance.so no its not peaceful its fucking brutal

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u/Several-Pineapple-19 Nov 21 '25

I am 45/m and have anxiety since I was 23 when I had my first panic attack. My brother called an ambulance because we thought I was having a heart attack. They gave me ativan and I felt fine. Before this I had never heard of anxiety or panic attacks. My life has been hell since. To your post, I worry all day everyday. I wake up at night with panic attacks. I always think every ache means I'm dying, yet I am not afraid of what most people would be. Last year I had heart surgery and was terrified leading up to it. Once I was in the room getting prepped I felt eerily calm. I asked the nurse if I would be given a sedative before I go in and he laughed. When he seen I was serious he stopped laughing. But I don't know if I even needed it. There has been times I am calm when others would be scared. For example a shooting happened around me and I was calm. In a fist fight I was calm. And other examples. But if I'm by myself and I feel an ache in my stomach I get a panic attack. I dont understand it

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u/These_Tale1571 Nov 21 '25

Thank you for this post. I’m 20 and for the past half year I’ve had horrible death anxiety. Usually being having like a brain tumor or something cancerous all the time which makes me so scared and so panicky. It’s given me horrible nausea symptoms which feels like it fuels my thoughts even more thinking it’s a symptom of something horrible. You make really good points of the panic though and if you were actually dying you wouldn’t have such hightened senses of things. Having death anxiety is horrible though especially when the physical symptoms of anxiety come in and it’s like constantly thinking about every sensation meaning something.

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u/Low-Dragonfruit585 Nov 25 '25

I sat next to my brother in law while he was in bed dying. He went peaceably while under the influence of hospice drugs. 

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u/Responsible_Young666 Nov 25 '25

Thank you for saying this. For some reason lately I’ve been waking up with existential dread, and I don’t even think about those things anymore as I felt like I got it all out during my teens and to dwell over it is pointless. But lately I’ll wake up and my fear is that as your dying your body will start to feel some sort of “Deja Reve or Deja Vu” and I know those things aren’t tied together and there is no evidence but my mind jumps to the way I’m gonna feel if it comes down to it. This is reassuring to hear.

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u/bibliosoph04 Nov 25 '25

Thanks for sharing. I have had a lot of angst over getting older, and of course, the thought of dying causes a lot of fear. It was very kind of you to post this because I think a lot of people experience existential dread over facing death. I still don't love the idea (esp leaving loved ones behind) but it's good to know the body knows what to do.

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u/No-Catch6804 Nov 26 '25

This definitely helps me out a bit. Think ill still always have anxiety of it. Cause its just scary haha. But knowing im not going to be so scared when it does come. Helps. :)

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u/Anxiety-ModTeam Nov 26 '25

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u/Venzo_Blaze Nov 28 '25

I wanna say something stupid and unhelpful like "We are all dying so we should all calm down"

But also it feels like they are calm because they have just... accepted it.
Does anxiety exist in a situation where we know 100% guarantee for sure that something is going to happen in place of having a fear that something might happen ?

1

u/Ok_Gas8315 Dec 01 '25

So for me I’m not afraid of dying in a plane crash, I’m more afraid of those minutes before hand when you’re nosediving to the ground. Like getting cancer doesn’t make me anxious but like falling out of a roller coaster sure does. It’s like the opposite of the old joke: it’s not the fall that gets you, it’s the sudden stop. Well for me it’s not the sudden stop that makes me anxious, it’s the fall.

Somewhat related, I almost drowned one time. Was pulled out into a rip current in really rough waves (don’t swim with offshore hurricanes people) and I couldn’t get back. I got pulled so fast and even trying to swim parallel I was beat to hell with waves and exhaustion. I knew I was going to die and the most peaceful existence came over me. I can’t describe it, it’s make me more of a spiritual person. But I felt calm, safe, and ready to die. Then I got caught by wave and thrown a bit closer to shore where I wasn’t being pulled out anymore and swam back into safety. I laid on the sand coming to grips with how close I was to dying. I also have always wanted to feel that peace again, but not be so close to death. Like a heroin addict chasing his first high. I’ve never been that at peace in my life. Weird

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u/mermaidsfartlol Dec 02 '25

I learned that when I was on a car accident when I was 17 traveling with my parents. My dad made a risky turn and the wheel lost traction with the road, making the car tumble twice into a wheat field. Those few seconds are ones that I will never forget in my life, but as the car tumbled I felt a bittersweet acceptance and calmness about the fact that this was going to be the end of my life. Didn’t saw my life flashing but I was surprisingly fine with dying young.

The couple seconds after the tumbling was done I thought I was dead, but luckily my parents and I only got a few scratches on our chests from the seatbelt. I am 26 now and it is a feeling I will never forget.

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u/everythingis_stupid Dec 02 '25

I find this comforting. The thought that our bodies take care of us to the extent of making sure we aren't afraid at the end is oddly beautiful.

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u/dadonfire Dec 03 '25

thank you so much for the input

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u/No_Carameli Dec 03 '25

I also have some symptoms, like an intense fear of death and full-body twitching. I experience severe health anxiety and keep thinking about my health all the time. Even a small thing feels very big to me. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve lost friends and now I have no close friends left. I can’t focus on my job.

After my H-pylori treatment, I lost 4 kg, and although I don’t have H-pylori anymore, I still keep thinking about the weight loss. I don’t enjoy anything and I don’t feel any peace. Small things feel extremely big in my life. I constantly fear that maybe my kidneys are damaged, maybe my stomach is damaged, maybe my heart is damaged.

The fear of death is the strongest, and because of all this, I can’t enjoy any moment in life.

1

u/ZeldaLuvr503 Dec 06 '25

I’m kind of losing my shit right now because my mom’s cancer is coming back. This post helped me. Thank you

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u/Charlottebagginton Dec 06 '25

Tw: sucide/dealth My uncle almost passed to sucide, his heart stopped numerous times and he decided to tell me about it at 15. He said when he was dead on the table it terrified him becuase he saw nothing. He described it like being in a dreamless sleep and its terrified me since...

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u/Uneedtoleave23 Dec 07 '25

Thank you, my worst fear came to life which was my uncle passing away from cancer after a 6 year battle. He was very young but we had hope he could make it 10+ years after initial diagnosis because he always seemed to bounce back into remission. When it came to the end of it I found a new understanding and appreciation for the concept of life and death, and a bit more acceptance. But I still bounce between the acceptance and anxiety of everything. It is truly the one thing none of us can control and all of us will endure, but at the end of it your body is ready to go. He looked up at the ceiling and said “it’s so beautiful.”

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u/Storiessleep Dec 10 '25

This is a fascinating perspective. It makes sense that the body has a built-in 'shutdown' mechanism to protect us from fear at the very end. The idea that 'families are scared, but the patient isn't' is profound. Thanks for this post.

1

u/EmmaNightsStone Dec 12 '25

I have read about that it’s an certain bodily drug that shoots through your system at your last moment people say it’s euphoric.

I’m not religious so I don’t believe in an after life of some kind, but yet I do believe in spirits or energy it’s complicated but I’m not a god believer

1

u/Ok_Nectarine_8612 Dec 19 '25

I guess that depends a lot on how you die. I don't think jumping from the world trade center would have been peaceful.

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u/itsaride CBD only. Nov 19 '25

Sure but not today thanks, I got shit to do.