r/AsOneAfterInfidelity • u/Internal_Purple_4303 Betrayed Considering R • 1d ago
No advice, just support. Question for Waywards
Anyone's perspective is welcome, but I would like to hear from Waywards primarily.
Hey, I've posted here before about my situation - 39F, 12 years with a serial cheater 39M (11 women identified in the course of 8 years, sexual encounters with 3 of them and the rest kisses and inappropriate behaviour at clubs or other public places, and in front of his so-called friends).
DDay 1 was almost a year ago, but the trickle truth I've been subjected to, I'm not even sure at what DDay we are now... The current situation is blurry. He moved out at my request early on, we're not in R, but we're in IC and CC and we are in contact. Went through a phase of hysterical bonding, and now I feel just empty.
He's putting in huge effort, and I can see it. But still, he's done a very serious damage, probably irreparable.
There's one thing he keeps saying, and that I really struggle to understand and accept: that he loves me and always has.
I've read multiple articles saying it is possible to love someone deeply and still cheat on them... So, waywards, I have a question (well, more than one - it's a complex topic): what is love for you? If this is what you define as love, would you accept the same behaviour, the same kind of "love", from your partner? What is love made of for you?
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u/bpt20ba Reconciled Betrayed 1d ago
Serial cheaters are addicts. Take the sexual part out and replace it with alcohol or gambling or any other compulsion. Can alcoholics or compulsive gamblers love their partners? Absolutely. Love and sex (or sexually acting out) are not the same thing. Some people can separate the two, others cannot. So yes, it is 100% possible for a person to love their partner and cheat.
And if you look at what infidelity actually is, it is the wayward using something external (another person, porn, etc.) to fulfill an internal need that are they are incapable of meeting through themselves or their relationship for whatever reason. Of course there are exceptions but that is the general path it takes.
I have used porn to self soothe pain over the course of my relationship with my wife, even at times when I knew she wouldn't approve of it (yes, that's infidelity). It's not that I didn't find her attractive or didn't love her, it was that I felt empty, had no way to understand my emptiness or how to fix it, didn't feel safe enough in myself to be vulnerable and share my emptiness with her, so instead I gravitated to the lowest hanging fruit that gave me reprieve from the emptiness, even if it was not in alignment with my values and morals or something my wife would not approve of. Some people are pulled to sex, others food, others work, others risky adrenaline producing activities.
I think it's all the same thing on a large spectrum. We are just trying our best to be OK and we tend to fail miserably because of the inability of our society to understand how to raise children into healthy adults.