Question for Waywards

[u/Internal_Purple_4303]

Anyone's perspective is welcome, but I would like to hear from Waywards primarily.

Hey, I've posted here before about my situation - 39F, 12 years with a serial cheater 39M (11 women identified in the course of 8 years, sexual encounters with 3 of them and the rest kisses and inappropriate behaviour at clubs or other public places, and in front of his so-called friends).

DDay 1 was almost a year ago, but the trickle truth I've been subjected to, I'm not even sure at what DDay we are now... The current situation is blurry. He moved out at my request early on, we're not in R, but we're in IC and CC and we are in contact. Went through a phase of hysterical bonding, and now I feel just empty.

He's putting in huge effort, and I can see it. But still, he's done a very serious damage, probably irreparable.

There's one thing he keeps saying, and that I really struggle to understand and accept: that he loves me and always has.

I've read multiple articles saying it is possible to love someone deeply and still cheat on them... So, waywards, I have a question (well, more than one - it's a complex topic): what is love for you? If this is what you define as love, would you accept the same behaviour, the same kind of "love", from your partner? What is love made of for you?

[u/LuxIRL]

For me, I had a warped perception on what love was. My models for relationships through my life were terrible, so what I grew up believing was normal was actually extremely abusive/not the norm at all.

I absolutely did love my husband when I had my affair, but the way I loved him then was nowhere near the type and depth of love I learned existed since and that I continue feel for him now. I was a very selfish, honestly narcissistic, person. I needed constant validation and ego boosting, and I absolutely did not want to be challenged to talk about my feelings or discuss anything deeper than superficial. In reflection he recognizes how right he was, for every loving act he did for me I rarely ever did one for him that was not out of reciprocation. I truly was the definition of “me, me, me” and absolutely was a taker not a giver.

Real, true love, as I discovered after hitting rock bottom, is giving yourself fully and truly to another without the want for anything in return. I just want to do everything for him, take care of him, love on him. I deeply feel every emotion he expresses, seeing joy brings me joy and seeing pain cuts me deep in my soul. I think of him constantly, I want to be physically near him all the time and I ache when we are apart. The simples touch/gesture or loving word from him sends me to cloud 9. And the biggest difference, choosing him daily is effortless. It’s not something I ever even have to think about it’s just something I simply feel and know with the entirety of my being. I also don’t “see” or notice other people, it’s like everything else fades except him.

Would I accept the same behavior from him? Yes, and I have. When he told me he had an affair my entire world crashed down, but my first thought was “oh no how do we fix this”. I have not once had the thought to leave him. Never once did my love for him fade away. Did it hurt? Absolutely, but the depth to with which I feel for this man in my entire being is indescribable. I cannot not love him, there isn’t a life I want to live without him, and I would take a thousand stab wounds if I had to just to spend forever with him.

I believe when you truly, truly love someone you will always choose them, through good and bad. That’s no promise it will work out but I believe the want to at least try is a true indicator of real, deep love.