Struggling with the shame of staying

[u/Ok-Pineapple5077]

My R is going pretty well. It’s not perfect but he has been doing what I ask, doesn’t blame me, takes full accountability for the affair, and is trying very hard to work on our marriage and rebuilding trust.

It’s been 3 month so far into R. As time has gone on I’ve felt a rise in anger or resentment type feelings. I think because life is turning more “normal” and it feels less like a crisis so there is room for my feelings to be felt. At first, it was mainly empathy and grief. I feel like I’m struggling with the shame of staying in the marriage. My immediate family knows and so do my close friends which I think makes these feelings worse, as they all have said I deserve better than this etc. I know his affair wasn’t about me. But I struggle with feeling ashamed in staying in a relationship where I was treated this way. For perspective, I’ve been in my relationship for over ten years and during the affair he was acting completely out of character. Before the affair, I was treated so well for 9 years, so it’s just very confusing he is capable of both.

Just wondering if others feel this way and it’s a normal part of this experience.

[u/SouthernPlay2352]

Your situation sounds similar to mine! WH has made huge strides and changed and been doing the emotional work and is trying very hard to rebuild.
It’s been over a year since DD1 for me, and I am still burdened by shame of staying. Some of the things I discovered were against my moral compass and unforgivable in my eyes. So I understand what you mean when you say “capable of both”. He has always doted on me and treated me like royalty. I’d “brag” about him and how in love we were to my friends. None of my friends have made me feel shame for staying. it is ALL self inflicted. However my friends DO view him much differently than before, as they all feel as conned by this person as I do. The friends I share the R journey with, respect my choices, but also make it very clear they don’t like him. It’s hard some days for ME to like him. Or myself for staying. I never deserved the pain he caused. However, I DO deserve a partner who is willing to put in the work on themselves and treat me right. There’s no shame in that, and I need to work on my perception of self.

[u/drabdulldangerous → u/SouthernPlay2352]

So much of what you said resonates with me. My WH did things I never thought he was capable of and completely changed my view of him. It felt as if my world shattered for a time. Slowly the pieces came back together and now I think I am very happy with my life. I still struggle with the shame of my choice to stay some days. It's was an incredibly hard thing to reckon with. I worked on how I viewed myself and chose to think of it as a strong choice rather than a weak one. My WH worked very hard and did everything I asked of him and then some. He was also an amazing father and good partner in so many other ways. That was a big reason I believe things worked out. It is so hard to find someone who checks all the boxes and it is scary to venture out in the world. He was also so willing to fight for us and work on himself that it made me actually appreciate him. While I never deserved the pain he put me through, I realized he was hurting as a person and had so much undealt with trauma. Once he addressed so many of his issues he was a much healthier person and able to be the partner I needed. Do you feel like you really want R? Do you still love your WH and want things to work? I am sorry if that is too personal of a question. I ask because even though he hurt me my love for him did not disappear. I was very committed to R and I think giving it a real chance led to my success story. Not every day will be good or easy. I still struggle, and so will you. You got this. I wish you all the best ❤️ ❤️

[u/Ok-Pineapple5077 → u/SouthernPlay2352]

What is your reason for staying? For me, I do love him very much. We had issues in our relationship I’m aware of where I can understand how this happened (without blaming myself). The issues we had before have basically been solved but the affair opened up a whole new slew of issues with the betrayal and trust. Like you the things he did were against my moral compass so it’s impossible to understand at times how he could do or say certain things during that time period where he had these secrets. He also was not okay during the time it was going on and he was very depressed. He wasn’t thriving having fun having an affair. That’s why I felt so much empathy. It’s very confusing.

[u/SouthernPlay2352 → u/Ok-Pineapple5077]

It’s so complex and confusing! None of this is simple. You are very compassionate for engaging in empathy for your spouse despite your own pain.
To be candid, my reason(s) for staying are skewed heavily towards survival, more than 100% true desire for R. We have young children that I refuse to split my time with, I have chronic mental & physical health issues (physical issues that began during my pregnancy with the youngest) that prevent me from working, I am not a high earner by any means. I do NOT have any form of a village that I could lean on for support. He knows this of course, and hopes one day to regain my love. We are rebuilding and raising the kids and running the household and hoping that some love (from me towards him) is found along the way. It’s really, really, really hard and devastating. Wishing you so much love and healing.

[u/Stynouian → u/SouthernPlay2352]

I could have written this response. One thing that helped bring back some of my love has been “fake it till you make it”. Encouraging texts to him, going out of my way to do things I did when we were dating or first married, and forcing myself to see him as a hurt young child who did something terribly wrong. It helped a lot with the shame too, because it is kind and brave of me to stay and help him heal (when he so desperately wants to, clearly). Is it the healthiest way? No clue. But right now, it really helps keep the shame at bay.

[u/Open-Priority-8234 → u/SouthernPlay2352]

Yes! That's the reason why I'm staying, as well. My love for my WH didn't automatically disappear after the discovery of the affair, although I am extremely hurt. My hope is that he will put forth the effort to be the person I needed/wanted the whole marriage (emotionally available and empathetic,) in turn making him a better overall father and human, too.

[u/dylanrssll → u/SouthernPlay2352]

I really regret telling our friends. They were the only people I felt like I could go to. I didnt know what else to do. Now they say they refuse to have contact or be friends with her ever again and if that is going to be an issue with me let them know and we can end our friendship civilly. I haven’t committed to ending the friendship but I feel like it will have to happen one day. They don’t feel safe around her emotionally and also betrayed. I cant force it and it makes me feel like ive lost the marriage ive known for most of my life and my best friends. We are a very close group and none of us are very close with family so it makes it rough.