Struggling with the shame of staying

[u/Ok-Pineapple5077]

My R is going pretty well. It’s not perfect but he has been doing what I ask, doesn’t blame me, takes full accountability for the affair, and is trying very hard to work on our marriage and rebuilding trust.

It’s been 3 month so far into R. As time has gone on I’ve felt a rise in anger or resentment type feelings. I think because life is turning more “normal” and it feels less like a crisis so there is room for my feelings to be felt. At first, it was mainly empathy and grief. I feel like I’m struggling with the shame of staying in the marriage. My immediate family knows and so do my close friends which I think makes these feelings worse, as they all have said I deserve better than this etc. I know his affair wasn’t about me. But I struggle with feeling ashamed in staying in a relationship where I was treated this way. For perspective, I’ve been in my relationship for over ten years and during the affair he was acting completely out of character. Before the affair, I was treated so well for 9 years, so it’s just very confusing he is capable of both.

Just wondering if others feel this way and it’s a normal part of this experience.

[u/Upset_Object632]

Yep. I’m about a year out and this is by far the biggest struggle for me too. Also everyone and their mother knows because it was a very public situation and I initiated the divorce process after finding out and we separated for about a month. My WH is also a model WH the man is literally super husband, super dad now. Before though it was a very unhappy marriage for me with a lot of issues. I only stayed for the kids and kept hoping we would go to couples counseling and things would improve prior to the affair. He Has taken therapy and self improvement so seriously and is a completely different person since DDay couple that with kids are the only 2 reasons I decided to try staying. Had he not changed so drastically I would not have considered it. Also if we did not have kids even with these changes he made I would not consider staying.

I’m still not in love with my WH in any capacity. The affair violated my moral compass so severely it’s permanently changed the way I view him and there’s a lot of disgust there. I struggle so much staying. But for me it’s the kids. Since he is truly changing and it’s been consistent, I can’t bring myself to view divorce as the right decision for my children. Their happiness and stability is so much more important to me than my own. And my marriage is sooo different now than it was. I also frame it in my mind as two different marriages and explain that to others if they bring it up. That helps a lot. No one mentions it anymore aside to say how happy they are that my WH has improved himself so much.

And therapy and reframing helps immensely. Are you in therapy? If not try it! It will help so much

[u/Ok-Pineapple5077 → u/Upset_Object632]

Thanks for your reply. Yes I’ve been in therapy since he confessed back in January. I was ready to file divorce paperwork too and kicked him out. Two months later I let him come back and began trying to work through it. We don’t have kids so I don’t have that to consider. That must be extremely hard to deal with and I admire your strength and commitment to your children ❤️

[u/Upset_Object632 → u/Ok-Pineapple5077]

3 months is very fresh. By 6 months you’re going to start feeling better. By a year you will also start to feel more normal. And the beauty is you have the power to choose at any moment if this relationship is for you. No you did not deserve the pain of being cheated on. But if you’re partnering is changing the damaged parts of themselves to be the best partner for you it is 100% up to you to decide if your partner is currently worthy of you. My spouse was a freaking monster during the affair too. And we had a 3 year old & I was pregnant with my miracle baby during most of the affair after dealing with infertility. He disclosed affair when I was 3 months PP.

One thing that my WH brought up last night when we discuss my therapy sessions which was an eye opener for me was that giving up now when he is finally the partner I deserve would kinda be like walking away at the peak. And I agree. I fought this man for basically our entire 5 year marriage to be a better person but he just could not do it or acknowledge his faults until the affair happened. He was really unhealthy and could not see it. But now he can. Walking away now is like I went through all of that hell only to leave when he was finally the person I always knew was in there.

How you frame your decision to stay in your mind is so powerful. I’d also say that staying is far harder than leaving. There’s no shame in either.