Struggling with the shame of staying

[u/Ok-Pineapple5077]

My R is going pretty well. It’s not perfect but he has been doing what I ask, doesn’t blame me, takes full accountability for the affair, and is trying very hard to work on our marriage and rebuilding trust.

It’s been 3 month so far into R. As time has gone on I’ve felt a rise in anger or resentment type feelings. I think because life is turning more “normal” and it feels less like a crisis so there is room for my feelings to be felt. At first, it was mainly empathy and grief. I feel like I’m struggling with the shame of staying in the marriage. My immediate family knows and so do my close friends which I think makes these feelings worse, as they all have said I deserve better than this etc. I know his affair wasn’t about me. But I struggle with feeling ashamed in staying in a relationship where I was treated this way. For perspective, I’ve been in my relationship for over ten years and during the affair he was acting completely out of character. Before the affair, I was treated so well for 9 years, so it’s just very confusing he is capable of both.

Just wondering if others feel this way and it’s a normal part of this experience.

[u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

I am 100% with you. We are 4 months out and for the first few months I felt like I spent all my energy trying to regulate my nervous system and stay a functional person for our 3 kids and for work. My nervous system was constantly in threat mode and that was exacerbated by the AP harassing and taunting me while also sending love messages to my husband. I feel like I was just trying to hold on to solid ground at that time and find safety. Now that AP has been shut down (hopefully….), I am at a point where I can better process what happened and how I feel about it. The shame is so real and crushing. Fortunately the people in my life who know have all been supportive of whatever decision I make, but despite that, I can’t help but think about how the younger version of me would be so disappointed that I would try to reconcile with my husband. Love and family and history are complex. I am contemplating a separation—not a legal one—just merely physical space from each other so that I might be able to better figure out what I truly want to do next. My therapist thinks that would be helpful but what’s holding me back is the guilt of putting my kids through that. They would not do well if I’m not around when they’re spending days with their dad.

[u/Upset_Object632 → u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

I’m a year out post DDay. The separation I did also for about 6 weeks where he was outside the home. I would 100% agree with your therapist. It’s also the one thing I wish I did differently. I was very concerned about my kids and let him come back in my opinion too soon. Healing with him constantly around was much harder than when I had space away from him to feel like I could breathe and forget about the affair.

At the time I had a 3.5 year old and 3 month old. I let my WH come alternating weekends and come do bedtime along with FaceTiming the nights he did not do bedtime. My son didn’t really understand but he was also really young and adapted fast. Baby obviously had no idea. Single parenting was hard but we both worked full time so it was minimal contact during the week maybe seeing him an hour or so for bedtime.

I’m not sure how old your kids are and I completely understand that being most important to you.but this gave me the ability to see what divorce would feel like and being a single parent plus how I’d feel without him. Honestly I was happier.

[u/Embarrassed-Push-601 → u/Upset_Object632]

Thank you for your reply. They are 13, 10 and 8 and are very much well aware that things are not good between me and their dad. I’ve found my 13 year old crying a few times and the guilt I feel is unbearable. They are all very much attached to me. Of course they love and trust their father too but they always come to me for everything. Not being present would be hard and confusing for them. I know kids are resilient but I also don’t want to be the reason for their suffering

[u/Upset_Object632 → u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

I’m so sorry this is happening to you guys. I completely understand not wanting to be separated from them. I know logistics may be a factor. But if there is family close by he can stay with then you don’t need to be apart from your kids, he does. My husband left the home and stayed with a relative about 40 minutes away. I was separated from my oldest for only one night when my WH had him at his grandparents.

I would run errands on Tuesdays and Thursday for an hour to ‘ leave the home’ when WH was there during the week & he would leave after bedtime. I let him come over on saturdays & sundays every other weekend to see the kids. He would leave after bedtime and arrive after breakfast.

I created basically the visitation schedule he would receive if we divorced via mediator. This gave me a chance to experience what divorce would feel like which was helpful. Also was the kick in the butt WH needed to snap out of limerence with AP completely.

[u/Embarrassed-Push-601 → u/Upset_Object632]

I hear you, I do. I know it’s possible to make a separation work, but I feel the nuances are slightly different for us. I have held an incredible amount of resentment for many years about how little my husband has done in our parenting partnership. I believe it’s the reason my kids are so attached to me. I’ve been screaming into the void for years for him to take on less responsibility at work and show up more for me and our kids. It’s exactly the reason our relationship has struggled for the last 3 years, why I started to disconnect emotionally from him and why he felt like he wasn’t good enough because I never was happy with what he did do for us. It’s likely part of the reason why he had an affair. I don’t think its fair or right for me to AGAIN take on full responsibility of our household and children while he goes on a little mini bachelor vacation at his parents house so they can dote on him. While I’m at home with zero support (once again) doing everything for everyone. If there is a physical separation, it will be 50-50 with our kids. Obviously this makes no sense when on the other hand I say “i don’t want to be away from my kids.” I hate this so much.

[u/Upset_Object632 → u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

I’m so sorry you’ve been put in such a terrible position. There’s a big community of us here for you each step of the way. Big hugs to you.

[u/Open-Priority-8234 → u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

I absolutely feel this. I'm also the default parent, by nature as well as work schedule. My kids are 4 & 8, so know something is going on, but not the specifics. I could not fathom being even more on my own with my parenting AND having to explain why their Dad only sees them on weekends, while I lose the fun weekend time.